Expectations during the first few months

[dumbass2]

So during the first few months of dating someone and spending a lot of time together, should a woman discuss her expectations at some point during that time as the relationship is obviously trying to go somewhere?

 

I'm still trying to learn from my recent ex and how she went about things and is this just the norm? It's like one thing I did that upset her (which I wasn't aware of and she came off like no big deal) at the 2 month point and then she had this long talk about we should have no expectations and then went into a bunch I guess I wasn't meeting. I'm like, "might you have shared some of these with me as we were going along?" It was like she was just keeping track in her head if I wasn't doing this or that and would not give me any hints that something bugged her. We seemed to always be enjoying each others company the whole time. The only expectations that I had at the time was with respect and communication and that we would always respond to each other in a timely manner. We got use to calling each other in the morning or evening if we weren't together. That kind of stuff, but I didn't have a list of expectations at that point, maybe comparing her to someone else I might have been with, but I think she did that with me. I think she might have been comparing everything I did to her recent ex of 3 years.

 

So I guess my question again is, should expectations be shared as the relationship is developing early on? I just don't think things should get to a point where there is a blow up out of nowhere. Maybe I'm just too naive.

[salparadise]

I wish you had given specific examples of expectations she had that you weren't aware of. Expectations are an interesting topic. Everyone has certain expectations; it's unavoidable. Yet too many, or too specific, and it increases the likelihood of dissatisfaction, unsuccessful interaction. Baseline expectations are usually cultural, and vary with socioeconomic stratum.

 

It's hard to answer your question without knowing if her expectations were baseline (meaning you should just know), or over the top kind of stuff that no one could possibly know without being told.

 

I recently dated a woman with over the top expectations. Something was definitely "off" about her thinking, but in other ways she was smart, logical, seemingly normal. It was mostly her intimate partner expectations that were out of whack.

 

Give us more details.

[Elias33]

Be yourself, do not expect, and encourage being open about things. That is all you can do. After all we want people to be themselves, not listen to how we want them to be.

[dumbass2]

I wish you had given specific examples of expectations she had that you weren't aware of. Expectations are an interesting topic. Everyone has certain expectations; it's unavoidable. Yet too many, or too specific, and it increases the likelihood of dissatisfaction, unsuccessful interaction. Baseline expectations are usually cultural, and vary with socioeconomic stratum.

 

It's hard to answer your question without knowing if her expectations were baseline (meaning you should just know), or over the top kind of stuff that no one could possibly know without being told.

 

I recently dated a woman with over the top expectations. Something was definitely "off" about her thinking, but in other ways she was smart, logical, seemingly normal. It was mostly her intimate partner expectations that were out of whack.

 

Give us more details.

 

I'll give you one here to let you know what I was up against. "Why didn't you come out to open my door when I pull up to your work?". Again this is what came out at the 2 month point, but she had been keeping things stored in her head. She also asked why I didn't come out to my gate at my apartment in the morning so she didn't have to sit there until someone else went in. I knew she was coming but it was very early in the morning. I told her to text me next time and let me know you're there.

 

She also said very early on "I like to be adored" and "you should say yes to everything and not no". I tried to not take that one too seriously. Later she told me how her last ex treated her. He though was 55 and 13 yrs older than her and not all that great looking. I guess he "adored her" by doing everything he could and then some to try and keep her around.

[todreaminblue]

i think its normal to discuss expectations of where you want the relationship to go....i also think its normal to give a bit of leadway early on as you get to know someone....doesnt all come at once.....like i expect to be treated with respect because i give respect...that doesn't mean holding the door open for me everytime....that means respecting me as a woman should be respected......i think if you put that expectation down on both sides everything else falls into place.....

 

 

if the expectation is to be respected on both sides here are four things i feel follow respect naturally

 

 

trust

 

honesty

 

compromise when conflict occurs

 

communication

 

to get into a really workable relationship if you don't have these expectations of receiving or giving respect........it will be a hard slog...

 

 

keeping tabs on how many times you hold open a door .....yeah......thats a bit much.......deb

[sdrawkcaB ssA]

So during the first few months of dating someone and spending a lot of time together, should a woman discuss her expectations at some point during that time as the relationship is obviously trying to go somewhere?

 

I'm still trying to learn from my recent ex and how she went about things and is this just the norm? It's like one thing I did that upset her (which I wasn't aware of and she came off like no big deal) at the 2 month point and then she had this long talk about we should have no expectations and then went into a bunch I guess I wasn't meeting. I'm like, "might you have shared some of these with me as we were going along?" It was like she was just keeping track in her head if I wasn't doing this or that and would not give me any hints that something bugged her. We seemed to always be enjoying each others company the whole time. The only expectations that I had at the time was with respect and communication and that we would always respond to each other in a timely manner. We got use to calling each other in the morning or evening if we weren't together. That kind of stuff, but I didn't have a list of expectations at that point, maybe comparing her to someone else I might have been with, but I think she did that with me. I think she might have been comparing everything I did to her recent ex of 3 years.

 

So I guess my question again is, should expectations be shared as the relationship is developing early on? I just don't think things should get to a point where there is a blow up out of nowhere. Maybe I'm just too naive.

 

From the handful of relationships I have had through my lifetime... Usually there is an open discussion of expectations, unless there is just dating for friendship.

 

If a month has gone by, let them know your feelings and ask them what they expect. I have found it takes more than a month to feel settled down with knowing a person enough to trust them in going further along.

 

Dating seems so busy with details, as being detracted by the moment. LDR has more depth in knowing a person by how they are able to tell their true self and wants. As time is shared without much distraction, as it is mono on mono.

 

Don't rush and be clear headed... many women are that way, unless they are clingy or too shy and not use to things going on so well or feeling pressed.

 

Many don't like not having some control, so allow for them to feel that they can make decisions about how and what they want from you.

[preraph]

Since men are notoriously skittish when it comes to freaking out and fleeing anytime a woman brings up anything regarding "the future," the man should take the lead on that -- although the woman should in a reasonable amount of time when she's nearing her expiration date and time for her to move on otherwise. A gentleman will keep a woman informed of his intentions. It doesn't mean you need to have big intentions. It can be as simple as "I hope we're still having this much fun next month."

[salparadise]

"Why didn't you come out to open my door when I pull up to your work?" "I like to be adored" and "you should say yes to everything and not no". I tried to not take that one too seriously.

 

Sounds like they may be the over-the-top variety. Princess syndrome. It has a narcissistic flavor. If there is no reciprocity, or very little, you need to rethink things––separately from affectionate feelings. Men should be getting their emotional needs met in relationship too. If she's predominantly focused on what you haven't done for her lately, rather than just naturally causing positive energy to flow between you... when you realize that no matter what you do, or how hard you try, it's never going to be enough... when she has the expectation that your job is to keep her equilibrated... well, that's a loser's game and it's time to move on.

 

On the other hand, if she is taking good care of you emotionally and just dropping an occasional hint as to little things you could do that make her feel special... then pay attention and do those little things for her. Ideally you should both be focusing more on the other than on yourselves. That comes naturally to some and not to others. You want to pick people to whom it does.

[dumbass2]

Sounds like they may be the over-the-top variety. Princess syndrome. It has a narcissistic flavor. If there is no reciprocity, or very little, you need to rethink things––separately from affectionate feelings. Men should be getting their emotional needs met in relationship too. If she's predominantly focused on what you haven't done for her lately, rather than just naturally causing positive energy to flow between you... when you realize that no matter what you do, or how hard you try, it's never going to be enough... when she has the expectation that your job is to keep her equilibrated... well, that's a loser's game and it's time to move on.

 

On the other hand, if she is taking good care of you emotionally and just dropping an occasional hint as to little things you could do that make her feel special... then pay attention and do those little things for her. Ideally you should both be focusing more on the other than on yourselves. That comes naturally to some and not to others. You want to pick people to whom it does.

 

I hadn't been in a relationship for a while and I did mention that to her. Maybe a mistake, but I wanted to be upfront and I thought she was with me until I found out her ex boyfriend was broken up with her for only about a month and not over as year like she told me before she met me. Found that out after the fact. I was not good at reading reading her. I didn't feel that I got a lot of hints. She didn't take care of me emotionally. It was a roller coaster ride with her. Seemed expectations ended up being pretty high and good for her, but also good luck finding that guy that she said she was looking for that had all these qualities she said she was looking for. She mentioned one time that she wished she could have the 5 guys with those qualities because she was aware that she probably wouldn't find them all in one man.