The myth of Soul Mates

[Got it]

Great article about the issues around believing in "soul mates" and setting yourself up for dissatisfaction in one's relationship.

 

https://www.yahoo.com/health/the-case-against-soul-mates-93440461633.html

[Got it]

Okay did you read it and actually have anything germane to say, or just wanted to give your sweeping opinion on "allowed" topics?

[Michelle ma Belle]

Interesting article.

 

I think it all boils down to expectations which, in my humble opinion and experience is the death of any relationship.

 

It's fine to be a hopeless romantic and aspire to be and have like the movies and novels but if you shut yourself off from all the other wonderful possibilities that may present themselves to you in one form or another just because they don't check off boxes on your expectation list then it's a problem.

 

Having said that I'm one of those people who firmly believes that everything happens for a reason and that includes meeting the people we meet and all that happens with them, good and bad. Some experiences are meant to teach us something about ourselves to help us grow into better people while other times it's our company that's supposed to help teach the other person something they need to learn.

 

Do I believe there is just ONE person meant to be for us forever and ever amen? Not a chance. I think you can have many, many "soul mates" in a lifetime be it romantic or friendship.

 

One of my favorite quotes about soul mates is by Elizabeth Gilbert, author of Eat, Pray, Love;

 

"People think your soul mate is your perfect fit. And that's what everyone wants. But a true soul mate is a mirror, the person who shows you everything that is holding you back, the person who brings you to your own attention so you can change your life."

 

Amen

[Robert Z]

I don't know about soul mates but I definitely believe in love at first sight now...actually, I know it can happen. No belief needed.

 

I think the idea of soul mates has much deeper problems. We are never the same person two days in a row. I might even venture to say that there are many kinds of love. And the love we all want is the rarest and most fleeting of all.

 

 

That is why I have held on so tightly to what I have. It is asymmetric but still a once-in-a-lifetime experience, at least for me.

Edited August 27, 2014 by Robert Z

[Taramere]

Okay did you read it and actually have anything germane to say, or just wanted to give your sweeping opinion on "allowed" topics?

 

Don't you love it when people take time out to let you know how disinterested they are in your thread topic?

 

I would definitely take the view now that a relationship is something you grow in. That you should challenge and be challenged within it on the basis that you're trying to become the best person you can be within that relationship. Previously, I was more of the pretty unhelpful "believe in soulmates" mentality - and I saw a relationship as something in which you would strive to be the best partner you can be. Then I wondered why I got dumped for being a bit too laid back, amenable and therefore a tad boring. I had just thought that as long as I was easy and pleasant to be around, that would be enough.

 

I thought my purpose was to be an endlessly accommodating girlfriend or wife to a difficult man who gave little in return. I absolutely cringe to write that, because it's so completely dire...but the purpose of LS is to confront who we actually are rather than who we wish we were. I think the way I behaved is not untypical of people who are idealistic, believe in soulmates and think love can conquer all.

[Got it]

Like Robert said, I believe that we evolve throughout our years so there is so much active energies needed to stay connected and compatible with that other person. I do believe love changes and that there are many different types of love.

 

Being the realist that I am, just looking at the stats, to find love in one's small pool of candidates, statistically looking at the entire population it only stands to reason that we would be compatible with multiple people. Plus I am glass half full so why WOULDN'T I be a good fit for many? :laugh:

 

But the easiest part is the beginning, it is everything else that is so much harder and so much more rewarding. Falling in love is super easy. Staying in love and continue to respect and appreciate your SO is so much harder. It is about keeping the elements that one loved so much when they were falling in love as a continued focus and positive.

 

It is so much easier to become complacent, tuned out, and checked out. That is just human nature to take things for granted. I am in awe of those that continue to prioritize and nurture their relationships. Those are the people to emulate. It isn't just about longevity.

[GorillaTheater]

Then I wondered why I got dumped for being a bit too laid back, amenable and therefore a tad boring. I had just thought that as long as I was easy and pleasant to be around, that would be enough.

 

Funny trap to fall into, isn't it? Because it's not something most people would see as a trap at all. Yet, it's one I found myself slipping into after years of marriage.

 

Soul mates or not, we need to challenge each other enough to keep things interesting, but not enough to be simply obnoxious. It's an interesting line to try to navigate.

[Robert Z]

It seems that over time we all change. If we both happen to change in a way that is still compatible, or manage to grow together, then it works. But I think many couples simply grow in different directions. And I also suspect there isn't much that anyone can do about that. We all have to be true to our natures.

 

If we take a zeroth order approximation and assume that there is a 50:50 chance that a couple will grow together or apart, then we would expect about a 50% divorce rate.

Edited August 27, 2014 by Robert Z

[Disillusioned]

Try telling it to people who've met theirs.

[Taramere]

It seems that over time we all change. If we both happen to change in a way that is still compatible, or manage to grow together, then it works. But I think many couples simply grow in different directions. And I also suspect there isn't much that anyone can do about that. We all have to be true to our natures.

 

If we take a zeroth order approximation and assume that there is a 50:50 chance that a couple will grow together or apart, then we would expect about a 50% divorce rate.

 

I read the article you linked yesterday, Robert - about divorce being the product of people marrying for love. I wasn't sure about its notion that romantic love was a concept that started up in the Victorian era. I think it was pretty big in the Middle Ages, with knights wooing ladies chastely and all of that. I think people have probably always had emotions like affection, admiration, sexual attraction, jealousy and so on tangling up together and creating something we now call romantic love. And that it has probably always caused people problems.

 

History focuses on society as in the wealthier society. The people with whom those who write history mingled. The wealthier ones certainly didn't care about soulmates. It was all about marrying to join up land, form political alliances and so on. What we now call romantic love was probably always enjoyed and suffered, in equal doses, by plebs. And maybe also by the higher classes (as well as the plebs, when they got bored with their selected partners) with regard to extra marital affairs they had.

 

Anyway, generally I agree with you that as people change so can feelings. You can have a connection with somebody that you honestly believe will last a lifetime one minute...and then suddenly, seemingly out of nowhere, you're struggling to feel any sense of connection with them. For people who take a fairly unemotional and pragmatic approach to relationships, that sense of sudden disconnection probably doesn't cause too much anxiety. Maybe they never feel all that connected in the first place, or just don't really notice a sudden disconnect.

 

For others who are of a far more emotional and idealistic (soulmates!) disposition, the sense of sudden disconnection is going to be far more upsetting and difficult to deal with. Those are the people who have to work at taking a more pragmatic long term view of relationships in order for them to be sustainable, whereas the pragmatists have to work a bit harder at creating a bit of idealism, romance and emotional connection in their relationships in order for them to be worthwhile.

[Robert Z]

I read the article you linked yesterday, Robert - about divorce being the product of people marrying for love. I wasn't sure about its notion that romantic love was a concept that started up in the Victorian era. I think it was pretty big in the Middle Ages, with knights wooing ladies chastely and all of that. I think people have probably always had emotions like affection, admiration, sexual attraction, jealousy and so on tangling up together and creating something we now call romantic love. And that it has probably always caused people problems.

 

True, but there was a practical element here as well. Generally, the woman depended almost entirely on the man for essential needs.

[No Limit]

There's been 2 people I've clicked really well with right from the start.

 

Person No. 1 would be my ex-best friend. We both loved horses and riding, we liked the same music, we were both open for spontaneous activities... it really had something eerie to it. A couple of months ago (it's been years since I had any contact with her) I watched the movie Avatar for the first time and loved it - and quite shocked remembered that she had loved this movie too, only difference was the time each of us had seen it. Just weird, really.

 

Person No. 2 I "met" in an online game, and even in virtual conversation it was obvious we got along perfectly, no matter what topic. A real shame the game was randomly shut down, I'd have loved to have him as pen pal (he lived too far away for a real meeting; although perhaps we could have met during a vacation, who knows).

 

I don't know if there's a thing like soulmates, but there are definitely a few people on this planet I click with.

[Sunfire73]

I agree with the article. I don't believe in soul mates per se', but I believe in there's someone more right for you. In my relationships that didn't work, I have seen and felt from the beginning that something wasn't right, but it was clouded by flattery, being in love, chemistry, butterflies that i failed to take into consideration the incompatibilities. Once you find a person that fits you, love just flows, has less drama, and yes there will be some growing pains, but it is a something that will draw you closer to one another than further apart. Granted that people change all the time, but with a person who is your friend and who you are committed to it would not be that easy to just give it up. Still you have to be honest with yourself if it no longer works, believe that there is someone else who can be your next best friend.

[preraph]

Soul mate means different things to different people. To me, it is that feeling I have like I've always known the person but it doesn't require we have been up all night talking and all that.

 

Since with years of experience I've learned that feeling someone is your soulmate is absolutely no guarantee they will reciprocate, I've developed a theory in progress and that is that maybe you DID know them in another life. Same thing with places you go that you feel a connection with. Or it could be possibly explained by genetic memory I guess.

 

I've felt it real strong on a couple of guys I fell for and basically ended up more friends with. One of them felt it back a little, but not so much in a romantic way. The other was a hot piece of property that had so many women buzzing around him I was lucky to get as much time with him as I did but never stopped carrying a torch for him.

 

After meeting him, it started with staring into a corner and having what I then called fantasies and in retrospect they were more like visions of stories of a past life with him. I dreamed about him always. One dream I saw a couple who I knew was us, even though I only saw them from the back and they did not look quite like us, holding hands back in maybe even medieval times from the dress, going through a gate down a path that led through a field to a house. I knew we were going to announce our engagement.

 

I was always a bit psychic about him, with some spiritual episodes where I got physical omens and then a voice telling me where he'd be. Then decades later, having not seen him for 20 years or thought about him much, I had a psychic episode about him that lasted most of the day and everything about him played through my head relentlessly. I assumed he had died.

 

Internet came about shortly thereafter and I started looking for his obit but instead found his resume the same year as my all-day memory deluge, so still didn't know if he was alive or dead but wrote him an email and he wrote right back. Long story short, he had seen his life flash before his eyes in a foreign country after being shot and left for dead. We couldn't pinpoint the exact day because I hadn't made note of that at the time, but it was very close in time to when I had the memory visions or whatever they were.

 

It was really after this that I had to acknowledge there was some real spiritual connection there, and that's the only answer I can come up with.

[MissBee]

I believe in soul mates in the sense of people you've felt like you've known all your life and who instinctively get you and you them...these don't have to be romantic relationships either. My best friend since the 7th grade is one such person. It's not that we agree on everything ever and never disagree but I feel so "at home" with her like I've known her for lifetimes and when we first became friends we just got on effortlessly and have remained friends ever since and I don'[t see that changing, despite living countries apart.

 

I don't think there is ONE person in the world you're necessarily meant to be with or only one person whom you can be happy with. But I do think there may be a small set of "soul mates" where these people are people you are more compatible with than others, thus SOME aspects are effortless. But that's only some aspects and there will still be conflicts, disagreements and room for growth together.

 

So I think it also depends on what definition you hold of soulmates. I don't think the one I've held is one that is airy fairy and unrealistic and about "one and only" or "happily ever after never to have disagreements again." I do like the idea of journey over destiny though. I think it also comes down to knowing realistically what a relationship can do for you and what you have to GIVE and not just what you can get or expecting being coupled to do things it can't. I see too many people, even on LS, talk about singleness as a curse and make a relationship or the perfect person seem like they will have all the answers and they will never be angry, sad, lonely, or experience ANY negative emotion ever again once they meet that "one"....I think this type of expectation plays into it and plays into the disappointment when your "soul mate" is a normal person who can annoy you and where you find that you still experience negative events and emotions and good and bad stuff still happen even though you're partnered.