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40+ would you date someone never married?


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If over 40, never married, no kids, longest relationship 3 years.

 

What would be your most important questions in your mind that you would have about getting into a relationship with this person or is this enough to just be a deal breaker and not want to try?

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I was 39 when I met DH. He was 34 Neither of us had ever been married.

 

For me it would be more about the person than solely their track record.

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lollipopspot

I can hardly understand the concern.

 

Kids aren't for everyone (even better when the person knows it before having them!), some people don't want to commit to someone in marriage "for life" until they're sure they found the right one, and three years is an acceptably long relationship to show that they don't bolt at the first sign of trouble.

 

I mean, turn it around:

 

Would you want to commit to someone who had made a previous lifelong commitment to someone, then bailed (divorce)? Would you want to commit to someone who had kids and then broke up a family because they weren't mature enough or didn't choose well enough before committing to stay married to the person they committed to?

 

I don't look at either scenario so judgmentally, but I wouldn't throw stones if you sit in either garden. People have their reasons.

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WesternWizard

I'd actually prefer to date someone who was never married.

 

Partly it's because I've never been married, but getting romantically involved with someone who's NM means you'll never have to hear them compare you to their ex, because there isn't one.

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I would be curious why.. I've never been married and I'm 30.

 

I have no kids. My longest relationship was just a few months.

 

I don't think I can have kids. I should have had an accident by now and I've never once got a girl pregnant.

 

I don't stay in relationships with people when I know it's not going to work thus I've never been married or with someone for more then a few months.

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I wouldn't be concerned about never marrying or not having kids, but I would most certainly be concerned if the longest was a 3 year long relationship.

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Many women would see merely not married at 40 as a caution.

 

 

If the guy was 40 never married and never had a relationship lasting at least a year, most women would sprint for the hills and not look back. There guys are either serial players or are very poor at attracting women. Very few women have patience for either.

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If a man is inadequate at having a relationship at any age, that is a red flag period. That just says he isn't willing to fix whatever it is that is causing this failure.

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I'm 50 something and usually date women in their early or mid 50s. Occasionally I encounter someone attractive who has never been married and yes, the first thing I think is, uh oh what's wrong here. Their explanation is invariably that they just never met the right person. I don't buy it. A loving person will have loved before at this age. An attractive woman will have had opportunities.

 

She probably holds people at arms length because she's afraid to be vulnerable... inability to become deeply entwined in romantic relationship. It could be caused by some kind of trauma or loss early in life, by not being unconditionally loved and accepted, emotional or sexual abuse... many possibilities, but almost certainly a case of having strong layers of defense in place.

 

But exact reasons don't really matter. If you're interested, you have to figure out if they're capable of attaching to another human being, and if they're able to commit to a relationship, or if they always find an excuse to turn and run when it starts getting too real and uncomfortable.

 

I know a woman like this that I went to high school with. She's quite attractive, highly intelligent and seemingly social, but she had mother/family issues growing up and she has never been able to sustain a relationship for more than a few months. Of course in her mind it's always a problem with the guy and she has to cut him loose. The reality is that her heart is closed for protection.

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Would you date someone never married?

 

If over 40, never married, no kids, longest relationship 3 years.

 

What would be your most important questions in your mind that you would have about getting into a relationship with this person or is this enough to just be a deal breaker and not want to try?

 

I'd be shocked if ever meeting such a person, simply due to experience, but I tend to view people as individuals and their marital statuses are one part of that person.

 

If encountering such a person, the questions at the forefront of my mind, presuming I found her attractive and she treated me well, would be, absent marriage, what has her relationship experience been, including friendships, and what is her viewpoint on her family life.

 

If I were to meet a woman who demonstrated strong and long-lasting friendships, especially with other women, and didn't raise any red flags on the home front, like hating her parents, etc, then I'd have no issues progressing to a commitment or marriage.

 

IMO, when you've seen one unmarried lady, you've seen one unmarried lady. Have I always been this way? Yes! I unfortunately never met an unmarried lady who wasn't involved with someone else in my young life after about age 18-20 but dated a wide variety of women over the years. They were all individuals.

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Sweetcheripie

I know of a couple - she is 55 he is over 60. Both were single and never married.

 

They dated for about 5 years and married about a year ago.

 

She is incredibly self absorbed and became a bridezilla. They lived in separate homes for most of the marriage so far.

 

He is very shy, very intelligent and a little bit of a nerd.

 

She is a music teacher, has a Master's but honestly the most air headed person I have ever known. Neither are very attractive but she thinks she is drop dead gorgeous. He is very comfortable financially and I see her spending him into the ground.

 

It makes me very sad. At first, I was very happy they would not be alone anymore but as the marriage goes on I think he might be happier alone.

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lollipopspot

Most of these answers are so odd to me. I guess I live in a more liberal area of the country where someone is not seen as really strange if they don't get married or have kids.

 

I know at least a few people like this, although I don't know for how long their longest relationships lasted.

 

To me, I don't know why this person would present more of a red flag than someone who had a crappy marriage (especially some like you see here where they know pretty quickly that they made a mistake - they just jumped the gun before they knew the person well enough to commit), or have surprise kids in that crappy marriage (and then divorce when they have babies and toddlers) or out of wedlock because they didn't manage to protect themselves properly.

 

I'm not sure why having a thoughtless ill-conceived marriage with someone, or bringing kids into the world without planning, is less red flaggy than someone who is more careful about their reproduction and choice of partner.

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I guess I live in a more liberal area of the country where someone is not seen as really strange if they don't get married or have kids.

 

You have to figure out if they're capable of attachment to another human being.

 

I'm not sure why having a thoughtless ill-conceived marriage with someone, or bringing kids into the world without planning, is less red flaggy than someone who is more careful about their reproduction and choice of partner.

 

I must've fallen asleep in the middle of this movie...

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thefooloftheyear
Most of these answers are so odd to me. I guess I live in a more liberal area of the country where someone is not seen as really strange if they don't get married or have kids.

 

I know at least a few people like this, although I don't know for how long their longest relationships lasted.

 

To me, I don't know why this person would present more of a red flag than someone who had a crappy marriage (especially some like you see here where they know pretty quickly that they made a mistake - they just jumped the gun before they knew the person well enough to commit), or have surprise kids in that crappy marriage (and then divorce when they have babies and toddlers) or out of wedlock because they didn't manage to protect themselves properly.

 

I'm not sure why having a thoughtless ill-conceived marriage with someone, or bringing kids into the world without planning, is less red flaggy than someone who is more careful about their reproduction and choice of partner.

 

 

While what you are saying isnt necessarily wrong...I think where there becomes some issue is that good, bad, or indifferent those people have walked the walk and lived that experience...

 

If someone else hadn't, then the rest are going to immediately view them as an ousider..."like what is wrong with that person"...."she is very attractive, you really gotta wonder why she is 40 and still hasnt found someone-she must be needy, hard to deal with, etc"..

 

And just about any guy that is middle aged and never married/no kids is going to immediately go into the player category, unless he is hideous looking or a low life, "live in his parents basement", type...

 

You can't change people's perceptions here...Unfair as it may seem, its life as we know it..

 

TFY

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If over 40, never married, no kids, longest relationship 3 years.

 

What would be your most important questions in your mind that you would have about getting into a relationship with this person or is this enough to just be a deal breaker and not want to try?

 

Well, that's me (if you switch the relationship from 3 to 5 years) so yes, I would certainly consider it. I would start out from the assumption that they were probably a bit like me. Maybe having spent a long long time being too disillusioned about relationships to really want to put themselves out there, having opposite sex friends which kind of removes some of the need to form any romantic attachments...basically all the things that get women, and men, slagged off on here.

 

The crux for me is that I know when I do pair up, I'm a very good and considerate partner...and so I would be more inclined to view a guy in the situation you describe as potentially being a good partner too. Dealbreakers for me are not "is this person a little bit strange?" because frankly, I like a little bit strange so long as it doesn't veer into abusive or sociopathic.

 

My main focus would be "do they like animals, and do animals like them? Are they basically kind? Do I feel physically comfortable around them? Can I have a laugh with them? Is this somebody I can open up to without being judged?" A bit of dysfunction I can handle, so long as the person has a handle on it and it doesn't manifest as really creepy or abusive behaviour. What I can't handle is dysfunctional people who freak out at everybody else's dysfunction. I don't like that kind of hypocrisy.

Edited by Taramere
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I will fit into this category soon. My oddness not withstanding there is a simple reason: money. The economy has not been kind to me. Folks say "you've got no business fishing for a relationship until your career and finances are in order". Unfortunately, I made poor choices in my 20s and recovering from them is proving very difficult.

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If over 40, never married, no kids, longest relationship 3 years.

 

What would be your most important questions in your mind that you would have about getting into a relationship with this person or is this enough to just be a deal breaker and not want to try?

 

I would simply be curious about their life trajectory and curious about why they think they never got married...but I personally don't feel as though it is a deal breaker or sign of a problem.

 

I'm not in my forties and maybe by then I'd have different life experiences and needs in a partner if I were dating but there are people who didn't find anyone they wanted to marry until later in life and I don't see that as a sign of anything wrong.

 

I don't think married and divorced by 40 is a so much better or more trustworthy sign. I would ask them about it and in getting to know them I'd look for signs of anything amiss, like I would anyone else, but wouldn't automatically think they had a problem because they have never married or had kids.

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There are some pretty interesting presumptions in here about marriages that don't work.

 

I would hazard to guess that with a lot of divorces, the two people at one point loved each other and set out on what they thought was going to be a lifelong partnership. Having kids is, beyond simple species reproduction, often part of and a goal for that lifelong partnership.

 

The point is, I don't see a divorce with kids as any sort of indication of that character of that person. For those who have never done it before, I will tell you: that sh*t is hard. Especially if you were young (<30) when the relationship started. A lot of times, after the kids come, the H and W drift apart, don't grow together, don't work problems out, etc. That's really not any kind of huge red flag....it's more like, they learned that it's difficult to match the fantasy of the marriage and family with the reality of having it.

 

This notion that the person is thoughtless or wreckless because a family broke up is ridiculous and judgemental.

 

Now, if a person has been divorced more than once....now we're getting into some red flag territory.

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lollipopspot
This notion that the person is thoughtless or wreckless because a family broke up is ridiculous and judgemental.

 

If you're referring to what I said, I don't feel that way, I was just making the point that the OP's prejudices could easily be flipped around. I don't know why it's any more holy for someone to have a broken marriage and family than for someone to have not made those particular choices. Either can be looked at negatively, but if you read my first post, I don't think that people should without knowing more info. That's all, no offense meant, just trying to emphasize the point :)

Edited by lollipopspot
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Seems like an odd thread. I would never date someone that WAS married before.

 

I mean, whatever blows your hair back.

 

But there are some pretty amazing people who were once married. It was a committed relationship that didn't work, not HIV.

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If over 40, never married, no kids, longest relationship 3 years.

 

What would be your most important questions in your mind that you would have about getting into a relationship with this person or is this enough to just be a deal breaker and not want to try?

 

This describes my now-H when we met, although his longest was closer to five years (but they lived in different cities for the last year or so).

 

I suppose I had some concern about whether he had commitment issues. But, I dated him anyway because I wouldn't just write somebody off for that reason. And it worked out (we're now married with a kid), so. :shrug:

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WesternWizard

Has it ever dawned on some of you that a person who's X number of years old but never married, might be that way due to out-and-out bad luck???

 

In my case, I'm not a highly social person, but the reason why I dumped my 1st date was because she was a pothead who let music rule her life... I dumped the other 3 because all of them were mean-spirited. I can't imagine being married to women like those.

 

So if anyone ever asks me "why aren't you married?" I'm ready for them... I'll tell them my type doesn't exist.

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Just because a person hasn't been married, doesn't mean that they haven't been in a long term relationship.

 

I'd be concerned if someone hadn't been in any long term relationships by 40 years old. But whether they were married or not is irrelevant, to my mind.

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