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I don't feel loved


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I have been with my husband for 9 years and married for 4. When we first meet the sex was amazing. The best. I thought he was a such a considerate lover but I always felt like I had a higher libido than him. There is no round two. Ever. He's perfectly comfortable falling asleep while I masterbate next to him. I simply don't feel desired. I can come to bed naked and he won't touch me. I have never had to worry about him "poking" me in the middle of the night. I've never told him no. We have sex once every few weeks now. It used to be 3 to 4 times per week. I could do it everyday. I have started to feel unattractive and undesirable. I have gotten to the point where I have difficulty being aroused by him because there is not much to get excited about. 99% of the time when we have sex there is no kissing. Foreplay is non existent. He has even said (years ago) that I was too much work. That comment haunts me. He would rather watch television and look at the internet until he passes out. We have not had a date in months. We have family and friends who have offered to babysit and he is not interested. I frequently have men compliment me and tell me what a lucky man my husband is. He rarely gives compliments. I feel so lonely in a house with this man. I can't imagine having an affair and ruining my family but I feel awful. I need love and affection. I need sensuality and passion. I want all these things with him. Suggestions?

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Are you doing anything to make him more interested in sex? The only thing I see that you mentioned was going to bed naked. That might be great at the beginning of a relationship, but after a while, just seeing your woman naked might not be quite the turn on it once was. Maybe you should talk to him, and ask if there is anything he would like you to do.

 

Better yet... don't ask (as that may feel like the motive is reciprocation), just do what you know he likes (generally, not sexual), and do so without any expectation of quid pro quo in the short term. Focus entirely on the giving and not the receiving. You have to put an end to this tug of war and make him FEEL sexual. You can't push a string––you have to pull.

 

Again, don't nag about sex! That is probably the least sexy thing a woman can do.

 

True. Eliminate the tension, frustration, resentment and pressure... make him feel like the most appreciated creature on the planet. Connect with true affection to reactivate him on the emotional level and he will probably respond physically.

 

The five A's of mindful loving... attention, acceptance, appreciation, affection and allowing. (David Richo). Also, Harville Hendricks' "Getting the Love You Want."

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Better yet... don't ask (as that may feel like the motive is reciprocation), just do what you know he likes (generally, not sexual), and do so without any expectation of quid pro quo in the short term. Focus entirely on the giving and not the receiving. You have to put an end to this tug of war and make him FEEL sexual. You can't push a string––you have to pull.

 

A part of her is going to be blaming him for the fact that she feels undesirable and unloved. Not surprisingly, blaming him, given his lack of response to her. For her to feel like that, and to nonetheless push herself into this "giving with no expectation of any return"....I just think she's going to be storing up more problems. Noble as it sounds to give with no expectation of return, I think when people try to live up to that they can fool themselves for a while ("as long as I'm making other people happy, I'm happy") but then at some point it all suddenly explodes in dramatic ways that truly are relationship ending.

 

What you're saying suggests that saying that his reduction of libido is on her. That it's within her power to change it. That's a lot to put on somebody. Maybe the guy's libido is reducing with age. Or maybe he's just lost interest in her because of the whole "familiarity breeds loss of libido" thing. A man's interest in sex is not always something that his partner has the power or ability to transform...and placing that responsibility on her is not going to help if she tries all this and still meets with the same lukewarm response.

 

Personally, if they have another bedroom I would recommend that she make use of it. Find a space of her own within the family home. Not in a hostile way, but just in an "I'm going through some difficult emotional stuff right now, and I'd like a bit of space of my own in which to work through it." At least that way she won't be in sharing a bed with somebody whose reactions to her leave her feeling unloved and unwanted.

 

ETA I don't want to sound critical of your advice. I realise it comes from a good place, but it's focused exclusively on her husband's needs and interests. It doesn't take hers into account at all. She's here telling us that she feels unloved and unwanted. If she follows your advice about focusing on making him feel good, gets nothing in return and is stuck with this message that she shouldn't expect anything in turn...I really don't think it'll help her frame of mind. Putting a bit of distance between herself and her husband (moving into a different room, psychologically becoming a bit more detached) might not sound like the healthiest way of dealing with this, but it's probably going to be the most effective way of getting him interested again. Assuming it's possible to get him interested again, and if not then maybe it's time for them to discuss the possibility of an open relationship given that she has an extremely high libido and that he's lost interest.

 

Slavishly attending to his needs and asking nothing in return will almost certainly just result in her being taken for granted on top of everything else, and reduce her self esteem further.

Edited by Taramere
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thefooloftheyear

I don't think there is enough background information here to draw any conclusions..

 

For example...If there are outside pressures on the guy from his job/career or other financial hardships many guys are going to shut down that part of their life....most guys cant go home and feel good about ripping apart their wives when they are one step ahead of the repo guy...And a lot of guys wont share this with their wives because it makes them feel like a failure to their family as a provider..Its been my experience that women seem to worry less about this and wont let those things get in the way of intimacy-but guys dont....Again..Im speculating here...

 

Also no mention of any physical changes....I dont want to be insensitive, but I can tell you that the number one reason that most guys(from what I am hearing out there from people I know and what I have read) lose the spark of intimacy because their wives maybe put on weight or dont take care of themselves in the same way they did when they were first married or courting...

 

If everything is in "order" then it just sounds to me like he's emotionally checked out of the relationship and the little he is giving her is to keep her off his case...

 

TFY

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thefooloftheyear
A part of her is going to be blaming him for the fact that she feels undesirable and unloved. Not surprisingly, blaming him, given his lack of response to her. For her to feel like that, and to nonetheless push herself into this "giving with no expectation of any return"....I just think she's going to be storing up more problems. Noble as it sounds to give with no expectation of return, I think when people try to live up to that they can fool themselves for a while ("as long as I'm making other people happy, I'm happy") but then at some point it all suddenly explodes in dramatic ways that truly are relationship ending.

 

What you're saying suggests that saying that his reduction of libido is on her. That it's within her power to change it. That's a lot to put on somebody. Maybe the guy's libido is reducing with age. Or maybe he's just lost interest in her because of the whole "familiarity breeds loss of libido" thing. A man's interest in sex is not always something that his partner has the power or ability to transform...and placing that responsibility on her is not going to help if she tries all this and still meets with the same lukewarm response.

 

Personally, if they have another bedroom I would recommend that she make use of it. Find a space of her own within the family home. Not in a hostile way, but just in an "I'm going through some difficult emotional stuff right now, and I'd like a bit of space of my own in which to work through it." At least that way she won't be in sharing a bed with somebody whose reactions to her leave her feeling unloved and unwanted.

 

ETA I don't want to sound critical of your advice. I realise it comes from a good place, but it's focused exclusively on her husband's needs and interests. It doesn't take hers into account at all. She's here telling us that she feels unloved and unwanted. If she follows your advice about focusing on making him feel good, gets nothing in return and is stuck with this message that she shouldn't expect anything in turn...I really don't think it'll help her frame of mind. Putting a bit of distance between herself and her husband (moving into a different room, psychologically becoming a bit more detached) might not sound like the healthiest way of dealing with this, but it's probably going to be the most effective way of getting him interested again. Assuming it's possible to get him interested again, and if not then maybe it's time for them to discuss the possibility of an open relationship given that she has an extremely high libido and that he's lost interest.

 

Slavishly attending to his needs and asking nothing in return will almost certainly just result in her being taken for granted on top of everything else, and reduce her self esteem further.

 

I dunno, T..

 

I see your point, but I dont know what good being passive aggressive is going to do to help this...

 

TFY

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I dunno, T..

 

I see your point, but I dont know what good being passive aggressive is going to do to help this...

 

TFY

 

Removing herself to a spare room/being passive aggressive would likely achieve the following:

 

1. Result in her having a far better night's sleep than she's going to have lying in a bed next to somebody who seems to have lost all interest in her, and from whom she feels increasingly disconnected due to his emotional absence in their life together.

 

2. Result in him getting a taste of what it's like to be alone in the bed. Maybe he'll like it, maybe he won't. if he doesn't, he'll start making some effort. If he does like it then that's bad news for the marriage..but at least it clarifies the position.

 

If he's really lost interest in her for good, trying to twist herself into some sort of pleasing, undemanding geisha isn't going to change that. She'll end up feeling even more frustrated and lonely, and she might well lose a bit of self respect for good measure. This is a woman who's feeling very sad and lonely right now, in a life with a guy who's showing no interest in her. She's the one who has come here looking for support and advice - yet the emphasis (in the advice being given) seems to be on her husband's needs rather than showing any particular concern for her or for the emotional toll this situation is taking on her.

Edited by Taramere
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Let's imagine for a moment that the OP were a man, posting as follows:

 

I have been with my wife for 9 years and married for 4. When we first meet the sex was amazing. The best. I thought she was a such a considerate lover but I always felt like I had a higher libido than her. There is no round two. Ever. She's perfectly comfortable falling asleep while I masterbate next to her. I simply don't feel desired. I can come to bed naked and she won't touch me. I have never had to worry about her pestering me for sex in the middle of the night. I've never told her no.

 

We have sex once every few weeks now. It used to be 3 to 4 times per week. I could do it everyday. I have started to feel unattractive and undesirable. I have gotten to the point where I have difficulty being aroused by her because there is not much to get excited about. 99% of the time when we kiss, it doesn't lead to sex. In fact, sex is pretty much non existent.

 

Se has even said (years ago) that I was too much work. That comment haunts me. She would rather watch television and look at the internet until she passes out. We have not had a date in months. We have family and friends who have offered to babysit and she is not interested. I frequently have women compliment me and tell me what a lucky woman my wife is.

 

She rarely gives compliments. I feel so lonely in a house with this woman. I can't imagine having an affair and ruining my family but I feel awful. I need love and affection. I need sensuality and passion. I want all these things with her. Suggestions?

 

Need I speculate on the kind of responses a man would be getting in that situation? I'm guessing that people would be none too patient with any female posters suggesting that he should be making more effort for his disinterested and emotionally uninvolved wife, without any expectation of reciprocity on her part.

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It's a very little thing but I was able to introduce more foreplay by getting DH to put lotion on my skin before sex.

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thefooloftheyear
Let's imagine for a moment that the OP were a man, posting as follows:

 

 

 

Need I speculate on the kind of responses a man would be getting in that situation? I'm guessing that people would be none too patient with any female posters suggesting that he should be making more effort for his disinterested and emotionally uninvolved wife, without any expectation of reciprocity on her part.

 

Fair enough....

 

But I still think there are some pieces of this story that are missing that might shed some more light as to why the faucet got turned off...

 

TFY

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Fair enough....

 

But I still think there are some pieces of this story that are missing that might shed some more light as to why the faucet got turned off...

 

TFY

 

It's always difficult when you only hear one side. The only clue as to what the H might be feeling here is that he once said she was hard work. Which I usually think means high maintenance. Demanding.

 

Bluntly, he sounds as though he has a pretty lazy disposition...but I could just be unfairly projecting memories of individuals I've encountered in life onto him. You're certainly right that we don't really have enough info here. I suppose it's one of the questions for the OP. Based on knowing her spouse intimately, does she feel that these reactions of him stem from laziness and apathy, or might be be depressed and stressed?

 

If he's just lazy and apathetic, any attempts to communicate with him about this are probably going to be an uphill struggle. He'd probably welcome the "focus on his needs, don't be demanding, don't nag - but be appreciative of him" etc approach. However, that approach would just be indulging his laziness and possibly amounting to the OP creating a rod for her own back.

 

It could work better if he's depressed, but then if the OP is also depressed it might not be realistic or fair to expect her to do all the running here. If it's a case of two depressed people living together - one trying to reach out to the other, who remains disengaged. Well, then I suppose the one who's actually trying to do something about the situation should probably get a bit of outside support. Maybe from a counsellor. I think this guy needs to get some clear message from the OP that she's unhappy and that the marriage is not working well. That she's prepared to do what she can to improve things - but that there's also a responsibility on him to try to work at creating a better relationship. And perhaps with some support from a counsellor she would be better placed to deliver that message in a way that will help rather than further harm the relationship.

 

Maybe I've just had too many female clients sitting in my office crying buckets over all the efforts they made to save their marriage "and he still cheated on/left me" (I do a lot of family law)...but I do think that sometimes there's such a thing as making too much effort for somebody who isn't bothering to reciprocate, and that it can take a long term emotional toll on people. Sometimes, when faced with a person who's disengaged, the only sane course of action is to similarly disengage....while giving some message that if and when they start being a bit less apathetic, things might improve.

Edited by Taramere
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I think the best advice anyone could give you would be proper counseling.

 

If you're not sure where to start, Angie's list has a breakdown of medical professionals ranked by patients/individuals in your area according to specialty. I'm pretty sure it is above the normal subscription to include medical professionals, but the results can't be fudged. Since I believe most therapists are nuts, (lol) finding the right one is really important.

 

If word of mouth leads you nowhere, I would try there.

 

Good luck.

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What you're saying suggests that saying that his reduction of libido is on her. That it's within her power to change it.

[...]

She's here telling us that she feels unloved and unwanted. If she follows your advice about focusing on making him feel good, gets nothing in return and is stuck with this message that she shouldn't expect anything in turn...I really don't think it'll help her frame of mind.

 

I can see how you would draw some of these conclusions. I didn't go into the full explanation, and hesitate to attempt to in this follow up. Yes, the advice I gave is only one side of the equation.

 

I suspect that this is something of a standoff, although probably subconscious on both ends. I would be willing to bet that his lack of libido is the result of him feeling like his needs are not being met, just as she is telling us about hers not being met. If such is the case, then someone has to make the first move to unlock the situation. The tit-for-tat, quid pro quo bargaining isn't going to work––it needs to feel like it's given freely, not with expectation of instant reciprocity. This is how people are to each other during the honeymoon phase of a relationship. It triggers all of those good love hormones that make us feel energized and in love.

 

Granted, he will need to reciprocate if this is to be resolved. But just as when two people put up their defenses as a reaction to disagreement, somebody needs to be the first to say, "I'm sorry, I love you." Sometimes this even results in amazing makeup sex! This all comes from the Harville Hendricks book. The way he helps couples to end standoffs is with a plan for meeting each other's needs in surprising ways that feel as if they're given of generosity. When both people do that it becomes a fun habit and transforms to actual generosity, then affection and ultimately intimacy and the bonding is reestablished.

 

Withdrawing (as in separate bedrooms) is the opposite, and I do not think she should do this. That's basically like saying, ok you bastard- since you're not giving me enough sex I am going to withhold attention and affection. And the spiral tightens.

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I can see how you would draw some of these conclusions. I didn't go into the full explanation, and hesitate to attempt to in this follow up..... Yes, the advice I gave is only one side of the equation. .....Withdrawing (as in separate bedrooms) is the opposite, and I do not think she should do this. That's basically like saying, ok you bastard- since you're not giving me enough sex I am going to withhold attention and affection. And the spiral tightens.

 

I get what you're saying, and it does make sense in terms of breaking a deadlock. The tricky part for me is the "no expectation of reciprocity". As you say, eventually there would have to be some degree of reciprocity for this situation to be resolved...and so there is, in fact, a certain expectation of reciprocity. Which I think is normal and healthy.

 

I've been in a relationship where I got to that point where I tried to do nice things with no expectation of reciprocity. You can only chug along for so long feeling good about what a giving, undemanding person you are...convinced that you can handle your own needs not being met etc etc. I've seen the same thing happen with a few friends. And sometimes relationship books push us along that path of aspiring to be this loving, giving, low expectation having person. This is probably where a skilled and supportive counsellor would be of great assistance to the OP. She's not currently having her emotional needs met by her husband, and so she needs to find some other environment in which those needs can be acknowledged and addressed.

 

The socially unacceptable and destructive (to her marriage and family life...and possibly, ultimately, to her) way would be to have those needs met in the context of an affair. Which she seems to be semi contemplating (eg reference to other men complimenting her and a tone of "I don't want to wreck things by having an affair, but...")

 

So yes - a counsellor to listen to her emotional needs might help to some extent, and focus her away from that potentially destructive abyss that entering into an affair would entail. I think if she's going to take the action you recommend, (if she ever comes back to this thread) a counsellor would also be useful in terms of helping her establish some boundaries for herself in terms of how much she's prepared to do here, without it being reciprocated. Her needs and feelings matter every bit as much as her husband's do - and if she goes down the path you're recommending without some form of emotional support from elsewhere, then I think she could quickly lose sight of that. Fall into the trap of focusing too much on his needs and feeling guilty for having needs and expectations of her own.

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The more I read these types of posts, the more I think the less interested (or lower libido) partner just has to suck it up. They have to give their partner the love and affection they need - whether they're currently in the mood or not. Just do it.

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If he won't give you what you want and need, you need to decide if you like living that way, or whether you should go to counseling, or divorce him. Or take a lover. I suspect you've considered all this, so where is he at on this? Will he discuss these issues openly? Sure doesn't sound like he's making much effort to change anything or offer alternatives.

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