Single people- Would you date someone who

[Popsicle]

Is separated? They are not divorced.

[PegNosePete]

As with so much in life... it depends.

 

How long have they been separated?

Are they properly separated, or "living separate lives under the same roof"?

Why have they not divorced?

[Gaeta]

Depends of the circumstances. If they have been separated for 2-3 years and it's just not finalized for some legal technicality I would consider. It took 10 years for my divorce to be finalized. We were legally separated though, which means all assets and debts had been split, and we were not legally responsible of each other anymore.

[oberkeat]

I probably wouldn't. I want someone who is like myself in several basic areas: single, never married, no kids, has a job.

[carhill]

Here's a thread I penned a bit over four years ago. IME, reading, little has changed since then.

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/dating/215832-married-separated-divorced

 

In my demographic, I generally felt like the women who responded to my thread. However, men in my demographic were much smarter about supply and demand than I was and did date separated women, or even married women whose marriages were 'on the rocks' and they succeeded far better than I did from waiting around. As an example, by the time I worked out the stuff talked about in that thread and posted up a dating profile, my exW was already living with another man and we wouldn't be divorced for another six months. That's typical, IME. In a different demographic, different customs and practices apply.

[Eternal Sunshine]

Most likely not but in exceptional circumstances..who knows..

[fortyninethousand322]

I wouldn't care.

[preraph]

I have twice and they were serious relationships, but I will tell you that it made the relationship much harder because of all the uncertainty because during this time and for months, in the best scenario, which is they go forward with the divorce, they are still being asked to attend things with the current wife and the current wife still feels she has dibs on his birthday, etc. They will have sentimental talks deciding whether to stay together or not. He will disappear for two weeks at a time and you think it's over and it either will be or it won't be. A tiny part of them devalues you because you're dating a married man, unfair as that is.

 

And the worst part for me is once they know for sure the divorce is going ahead, all their male friends encourage them to stop seeing you exclusively and go play the field for awhile. That's what screwed up the first one. The second one was spending too many weekends "dividing up belongings," but when the truth came out, she was actually using that as an excuse to get him on the weekend and then "being too upset" to continue dividing belongings, so they'd go to dinner -- in other words, dating his wife. Now, I'd find this easier to swallow if it wasn't him that insisted on getting me involved before it was time. In exchange for that, I expected much more consideration than that.

 

Usually when getting involved with a separated person happens, it either happens because they know you and come after you and "need" you or because you're just in the right place at the wrong time.

[somedude81]

At this point in my life, absolutely not.

 

I have a big enough issue with dating a woman who has been married. Now dating a woman who is technically still married sounds like it will come with a whole mess of drama. No thanks.

[veggirl]

Absolutely not. I can't see the point in it and would 100% consider myself a rebound. Not even divorced? not ready for another serious relationship.

[BluEyeL]

No. My only non-negotiable. I want them divorced AND with another relationship after the divorce if at all possible. I want someone else to be the rebound.

[HappyLove]

No, I like my men single and not married in every way.

[FitChick]

Separated people don't want anything serious. They just got out of something serious. So if you feel the same way, no problem.

 

I personally don't date anyone divorced for less than two years because I want to get married.

[d0nnivain]

I am married now but when I was single, I did date a man who was separated. I would never do it again. Even though they had been apart for several years but never filed, I felt liked I got dragged through all of their emotional upheaveal. It also took too long & caused too much friction between me & the guy. He would get mad because I didn't want to hear the details of the latest thing his EX did or didn't do

[MissBee]

My initial response is to say no, I'd rather not.

 

But I'd be willing to understand the circumstances of it before running for the hills mayyyyy-be.

 

In reality though, I wouldn't even date a guy who broke up recently, for fear of being a rebound, the same goes for a man who isn't even as yet divorced. It's more so about them having unresolved business, literally and perhaps emotionally and I would prefer to date someone emotionally and otherwise available. I am leery of people who hope from relationship to relationship who don't seem to give themselves ample time to process and to move forward healthily, and a not as yet divorced man seems highly likely to be someone who is doing that.

[No Limit]

Nope. I don't feel like being a rebound. Or at worst, getting constantly cheated on with the ex.

[salparadise]

I'm surprised at how much tolerance people are giving on this one. I'm with FitChick - two years is about how long it takes for a person to get mostly clear of the trauma and drama. If serious, long-term relationship or marriage is the goal and you latch onto someone who is separated or recently divorced, you'll find yourself in the position of waiting on them to finish licking their wounds. It's almost guaranteed that they'll expect you to help do some licking too. If you just want to bang, then go for it. But don't be surprised when it turns into major drama and you figure out that you were just a rebound.

[Hope Shimmers]

NO WAY!

 

The last - and only - time I did that, it screwed up 10 years of my life when he went back to his wife (and yes, he was separated, had filed, and was living on his own and had been for awhile).

[Hope Shimmers]

I actually had one guy on OLD contact me despite my clear statement that I don't date separated guys. He wrote basically an essay on how he was worthy of being dated and his divorce would be final in just a few weeks. He said he needed someone to "help him get over it" like that was supposed to be some kind of honor.

[Eggplant]

Under no circumstances ever. Before you date other people, you must not be married. This is a black and white concept, with no exceptions or excuses.

[todreaminblue]

hard to say, if it was all out in the open .....if everyone was aware fo the separation ....maybe...but even then ....if someone isnt divorced then they are technically cheating....i would wait to dat ethat guy when the paperwork was final and irreversible and if that guy didnt want to wait....then he isnt the right guy for me.......deb

[Missy0724]

JUST went through this! Date, but do NOT make decision to be exclusive or serious. Even if they say, "I'm ready". I met a man who had been divorced two months. He said he, "was ready". 10 months later - will spare you the details...but it was over.

 

LOTS of drama. I wanted a boyfriend, an US, not his exwife, a "shadow" always in the room with us...

 

He was NOT over her and it took it's toll on me and the relationship. While he still working thru his issues, his past, trying to set new boundaries with ex wife, married for 13 years, share four young children, I was ready for a relationship, divorced two years and ready! (over husband YEARS before I divorced him)

 

He would try to keep the talking about her, mentioning their issues, confrontations, to a minimum with me, but I "felt" it, felt him always thinking of her, felt the tension. Like I said, like a "ghost" in the room with us. I felt like a third damn wheel !

 

And his parents still involved in her life, helping her, blah blah. Very codependent family all around. TOO MUCH DRAMA.

 

I tried, I gave it my best. I loved him, was a great friend to him. And for awhile he was too. But we just couldn't move forward, grow. I couldn't feel 100% comfortable, safe, secure in the relationship. Very sad. He didn't make me feel like a priority, because his mind still wrapped up with her... it sucked. We had SO much in common, so much fun together, had great intimacy as friends. But the romantic part just couldn't survive. We both started pulling away from each other. It was a vicious circle. I knew he not over her - he was somewhat honest about it... But it got to a point, after 10 months, that I just couldn't deal anymore, couldn't be "understanding" anymore. What about ME? I would question him, voice my opinion, sometimes in an angry, frustrated way. And he would just clam up, wouldn't know what to say or how to work with me, to find a solution, take ACTION.

 

So I found out he did not really love me in a healthy way, he couldn't. How can you love another, when you are still wrapped up with another? How can you even think of a future with someone, when you have not shut the door on your past, ACCEPTED it as the past, and OVER. Sure, have those memories of an ex and maybe some lingering baggage... but believe me, it was awful and painful and I will never make that choice again to be serious with someone who is newly divorced, no matter what they say! I will keep my distance, have fun, date, but keep that distance. Until we can honestly talk about the situation, where we each stand, if other person can look me in the eye and say, "I am NOT in love with the ex". Then again, they could lie...who the hell knows. Just trust your instincts, look at their behaviors. Don't get all caught up and blind. SO easy to do, when you are "in love", those chemicals flowing thru your brain and body! Hard to think clearly, believe me! And so easy to give in to another person, and sacrifice YOUR boundaries. DON'T DO IT. Don't allow another person to do that to you, have that power over you!!!

 

And WALK AWAY when you see those red flags. Stand up for YOU, love yourself more! Protect yourself and your heart. Don't settle. We all deserve to be treated with respect. And to be a priority to our boyfriend, girlfriend, if two people are deciding to be that to each other... If that person cannot do that, fine. Wait, be patient. Because there will be someone out there, that CAN give you what you deserve, and love you the way you want to be loved!

 

And sorry - loving two people at the same time is SO unhealthy! And someone will end up getting hurt.

[RonaldS]

As somebody who has both dated those who were separated but not divorced, and been the separated but not divorced person, I can speak to this topic.

 

I don't think I would seriously try to form a LTR with a person in that position, again, knowing what I know. Hang out, date, have fun, talk connect, make out, bang....yes, those things are fine.

 

Count on them emotionally.....no way.

 

And it's really no fault of their own. Divorce is a crazy monster, and emotionally, people tend to go in survival mode, often for a long time. In the moment, you actually feel ok, because in a way, you're not really aware of how effed up your life really is, not to mention the fact that you've probably shut a lot of emotional elements down. Again, in the moment you actually feel ok, but when you look back on it a year later, it's like 'Holy effing sh*t....I was a mess!'

[MissBee]

As somebody who has both dated those who were separated but not divorced, and been the separated but not divorced person, I can speak to this topic.

 

I don't think I would seriously try to form a LTR with a person in that position, again, knowing what I know. Hang out, date, have fun, talk connect, make out, bang....yes, those things are fine.

 

Count on them emotionally.....no way.

 

And it's really no fault of their own. Divorce is a crazy monster, and emotionally, people tend to go in survival mode, often for a long time. In the moment, you actually feel ok, because in a way, you're not really aware of how effed up your life really is, not to mention the fact that you've probably shut a lot of emotional elements down. Again, in the moment you actually feel ok, but when you look back on it a year later, it's like 'Holy effing sh*t....I was a mess!'

 

Yea...I think generally it's not a good investment if your interest is in forming a committed relationship leading to marriage especially.

 

I imagine most newly divorced people are in NO WAY emotionally ready to form that kind of relationship with someone else...and I suspect, as many people's stories have shared, that some may not even realize they aren't ready....until they find themselves going back to their exes or otherwise making a mess of things.

[SolG]

I'm long term separated-- more than 5 years, the first year was spent separated under the same roof--but not divorced. Other than divorce, xH and I are completely physically, emotionally and practically extricated; we even live in separate states. We discussed this at length way back when and agreed that we were better off with the fees in our own pockets until such time as divorce becomes necessary. In the event that one or the other of us decides we want a divorce, our agreement is that we'll file jointly and share the costs. Essentially, we don't see the point in divorce until that time. To us, legal marriage has no bearing on the status of our actual relationship; we don't need a piece of paper to define us as single as our actions already do that.

 

I publicly define myself as single (long story, but privately I'm an OW). I'm open about the fact that I'm not divorced, and that I don't see myself ever marrying again. Been there, done that, and don't intend to repeat the experience. And this doesn't seem to deter people from asking me out (although I never accept).

 

I'm also open about the fact that xH and I are still a part of each other's lives. We are not, and will never be romantic partners ever again. I shudder (as does he) at the thought! But we are definitely friends and family, and will always be family through the bond of our daughter (who is at college).

 

We are far better friends than we ever were partners. We talk at least weekly; we do still share some financial support for our daughter (this is a personal agreement, not a legal compulsion) and a lot of professional associations and interests. When I am in his city on business, and my daughter's schedule allows, we both go and stay with him (she also visits him on her own). We still also spend every Christmas together as a family; this was one of our daughter's requests when we separated and we continue to honour it willingly.

 

xH actively dates but is yet to find someone he connects with enough for a serious LTR; a serious LTR is his goal and he is open to marriage. He is a financially established, well-paid, emotionally mature, highly intelligent and responsible man; he has no troubles getting dates, and will undoubtedly eventually find someone special. He may not be divorced, but he is definitely a good prospect! And if the right woman comes along, he'll be divorced lickedy split.

 

I know our interactions will undoubtedly change when he finds an SO (eg, I certainly wouldn't stay with them!). But I do hope that he finds someone mature enough to understand that I am no threat; couples disintegrate, not families. And this is a necessity for me too in any prospective SO I may have in the future.

 

That was more of a ramble than I planned... But bottom line for me is that someone being separated and not divorced is not necessarily a big deal unless he or she has unresolved issues about the M (unrequited romantic feelings, hope for reconciliation, intense acrimony, etc). And as others here have said, issues are probably more likely the less time they have been separated.