What does "Not settling" mean to you

[barbossa]

What specifically would you not settle on?

 

what does not settling mean to you specifically?

 

If you continue "not settling" wouldn't you narrow the pool so much you keep staying single? ...Forever Alone...

 

Doesn't not settling mean you won't compromise?

 

If that is the case is that the reason you are single?

 

aren't relationships/ marriage compromising on wants and needs of parties?

 

In my humble opinion

 

It is reasonable to wants someone who respects you, is honest with you and doesn't cheat on you, and there is chemistry and mutual attraction.

 

But if a person has a list of what they won't settle on, That list basically disqualifies potential mates.

 

if you won't settle and other people won't settle How do y'all expect people to settle down together?

[TigerLilly78]

Every one has different things they find important in a potential partner for some its looks for others its status/money I guess it to each their own no one is perfect if these forums are any indication tho I can see why there seams to be alot of older singles out there these days in my opinion it seams the dudes are all holding out for as close to a model as they can get and the chicks are all hung up on the prince charming thing not to mention all the "games" dating seams to come with these days!

[chimpanA-2-chimpanZ]

It means being with someone who meets all of my basic expectations of a partner (responsible, reliable, kind, etc).

 

It also means looking over at him late at night---when he's got a bit of food stuck in his teeth and he's wearing an old T-shirt with computer science jokes---and thinking "How could I ever want to be with anyone else?"

[fortyninethousand322]

Pretty much everything is negotiable.

[todreaminblue]

i cant settle with a partner who does drugs or abuses me or parties hard every weekend.......because i wouldnt be settled in that lifestyle...been there done that got the injuries to prove it

 

 

i always wanted a nice guy who appreciated me,who wants the same lifestyle i do, who is kind compassionate and understanding.....most of all..... honest ..... my other relationships have led me not to settle for less.....i don't think its unrealistic for me to want a nice guy to be with.....deb

[DrSimple]

Settling is not about a list of traits or about the person you are with, but really about the feelings you have.

 

The only situation wherein you are settling is when you have that feeling deep inside you that you feel there could be a better relationship out there for you, but because of certain factors (and there are MANY different types) you are deciding to stay with your current partner.

 

At the end of the day, settling lies in the gut. Are you happy with your relationship and partner? Or do you constantly think about how your life might be better if you tried searching again, but are afraid of leaving the situation you are in due to those factors that are keeping you around?

[jay1983]

Every one has different things they find important in a potential partner for some its looks for others its status/money I guess it to each their own no one is perfect if these forums are any indication tho I can see why there seams to be alot of older singles out there these days in my opinion it seams the dudes are all holding out for as close to a model as they can get and the chicks are all hung up on the prince charming thing not to mention all the "games" dating seams to come with these days!

 

Really, dudes are the ones holding out?

[TB Rhine]

For a man = she must be young and hot.

 

For a woman = he must be hot, have money, and/or beat me regularly.

[ktya]

This I think is a more complex question than the above posters are alluding to.

 

We have two sides to the coin.

 

Male side:

Of course men want someone who is attractive, fun to be around, fun to have sex with, who makes us feel like a real man. But we also have reservations about marriage and childrearing because the system totally screws us as it vastly favors women. So making the committment to get married and/or have children is a big deal, we all know many of our bro's who have been absolutely screwed over by women financially and who have lost access to their kids and who may have even been put in jail or accused of domestic or child abuse.

 

Plus in today's internet enabled environment women are just so... available... which makes us wonder why we would settle down at all. Case in point I became single and decided to just date last November. I've had casual sex with 14 different women ranging from age 19 to 39 in those 9 months. It made me wonder what the hell I was doing in serious relationships for the prior 17 years.

 

Female side:

Of course women want an attractive, mature, experienced and well put together man who has his act together. But feminism complicates this. They also often want the same guy with his act together to take marching orders from them like a man-child; but this doesnt come out until after a serious relationship has started because initially they are not attracted to a weenie who wants to be bossed around.

 

They want a career yet they want to be able to stay at home and raise their children, they want an alpha male yet they want him to ask how high when they say jump. They want to eat healthy but most women of marriageable age these days (not including divorcees) can barely cook - they didn't learn because they learned that "a womans' place is no longer in the kitchen". They want to travel the world and spend a fortune on plane tickets so they can take lots of great selfies to show their friends but this is not condusive to having a career, a boyfriend, husband, or a family.

 

In short modern women are wandering around in a perpetual state of confusion as to who they are supposed to be. This is starting to effect men these days as well but more the sub 25 year olds at this point.

 

So for a women, "settling" in the negative sense of the term could be with almost any man. Mr. Successful cannot travel the world and wont be bossed around. Mr. Artist doesnt make enough money for a dream wedding or to buy a house. Mr. Charming is missing out on other qualities. No man will be able to offer them everything, life is a series of trade offs, but "girl power" and the postfeminist era has taught them that they not only can but should have it all.

 

Hence we see that well over 60% of divorces are initiated by women, quite often served to a completely oblivious man who had no idea that anything was wrong at all - simply because the woman "wasnt happy", was "bored" or wants to "try something else" and runs off with an affair partner. One only need look at the hit bestseller book and movie "Eat, Love, Pray" to see that this apathy and confusion lurks large under the surface of a large swath of the female population.

 

Im not hating on women in writing all of this; quite the contrary, I feel sad for women stuck in this confusing rut. While returning to the nuclear family dream of the 1940s and 1950s where women aspired to be housewives and mothers is not the answer, women, like men, need a clear sense of direction of what kind of person that they should aspire to be.

 

Men want to be protectors, providers, the strong rock in the relationship, solid fathers, who work hard and look after their woman and family. Its pretty clear for most of us. Women have no idea what they want because they can't have it all and in many instances are shamed for wanting what is a biological imperative. Watch the poor woman who actually *wants* to be a housewife and mother get shamed by her friends and family for "wanting to waste her life" and then watch the same group of women shame a thirtysomething in the same group for *not* being married with children.

 

This is in large part why a lot of western men eventually get fed up and search for a potential wife who is from a foreign country. Women from most non-western cultures are comfortable with men being men and women being women. I dated a Filipina woman and just being around her made me feel like a God - she didn't fawn over me or compliment me all the time, simple gestures was all it took.

 

I hope that the western female psyche eventually turfs postmodern feminism on it's ass and gives it the heave-ho so that future generations of women can be comfortable doing what made women happy for thousands of years, while voting working and being educated and having fulfilling careers.

 

See:

https://www.google.ca/url?sa=t&rct=j&q=&esrc=s&source=web&cd=4&cad=rja&uact=8&ved=0CDAQFjAD&url=http%3A%2F%2Fnews.nationalpost.com%2F2014%2F07%2F25%2Fnot-all-feminists-how-modern-feminism-has-become-complicated-messy-personal-and-sometimes-alienating%2F&ei=clf3U-z6LYOHjALstoDgAQ&usg=AFQjCNEkAHdnBBteAOs2YLD9BhxuuCXmpw&sig2=Er4OgMbWrX9O2DVA98T0Jw&bvm=bv.73373277,d.cGE

 

https://www.google.ca/url?sa=t&rct=j&q=&esrc=s&source=web&cd=15&cad=rja&uact=8&ved=0CGoQFjAO&url=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.truewoman.com%2F%3Fid%3D2858&ei=clf3U-z6LYOHjALstoDgAQ&usg=AFQjCNFEB60qdm9bBgSwf6-1dOvy2YHh9Q&sig2=P4QpT3vhgNj3aF0Q57P71Q&bvm=bv.73373277,d.cGE

 

https://www.google.ca/url?sa=t&rct=j&q=&esrc=s&source=web&cd=1&cad=rja&uact=8&ved=0CB4QFjAA&url=http%3A%2F%2Fmensrightsarehumanrights.wordpress.com%2F&ei=clf3U-z6LYOHjALstoDgAQ&usg=AFQjCNHXJQXDBvjZ6WHq82_2BoNiRXMOZw&sig2=-bwosRhLeY8igyAzFc02lQ&bvm=bv.73373277,d.cGE

 

https://www.google.ca/url?sa=t&rct=j&q=&esrc=s&source=web&cd=11&cad=rja&uact=8&ved=0CBsQFjAAOAo&url=http%3A%2F%2Fafilina.com%2Fim-not-a-feminist%2F&ei=wlf3U8r_CcH3igLn1oHYAw&usg=AFQjCNGxsjl4g-YAUppVvoDFmc2eU867nw&sig2=c1PzKChQhZmOgqpHxrmUWQ&bvm=bv.73373277,d.cGE

 

Women Against Feminism

[central]

Everyone compromises. There is always a tradeoff of traits you like versus your ideal, given what/who you can attract with the traits you have. As long as you don't compromise on deal-breakers you are probably fine.

 

Settling is accepting less than you could get if you kept looking. If you can't tell the difference between compromise and settling, you may always be disappointed with your choices. Settling sometimes involves accepting a deal-breaker issue - always a really bad idea!

[fortyninethousand322]

Plus in today's internet enabled environment women are just so... available... which makes us wonder why we would settle down at all. Case in point I became single and decided to just date last November. I've had casual sex with 14 different women ranging from age 19 to 39 in those 9 months. It made me wonder what the hell I was doing in serious relationships for the prior 17 years.

 

They are only available to certain men. Your experience is not representative of everyone. There are some men who couldn't get a date (much less sex) if their life depended on it.

[ktya]

They are only available to certain men. Your experience is not representative of everyone. There are some men who couldn't get a date (much less sex) if their life depended on it.

 

While this is off topic and I dont want to digress too far from the OPs question about "settling", I'm a 37 year old guy who is in shape of an average build, who is not wealthy and I dont even drive a car - I take transit - and while I'm decent looking I'm certainly no model.

 

If I can do it almost anyone can do it.

[serial muse]

This I think is a more complex question than the above posters are alluding to.

 

We have two sides to the coin.

 

Male side:

Of course men want someone who is attractive, fun to be around, fun to have sex with, who makes us feel like a real man. But we also have reservations about marriage and childrearing because the system totally screws us as it vastly favors women. So making the committment to get married and/or have children is a big deal, we all know many of our bro's who have been absolutely screwed over by women financially and who have lost access to their kids and who may have even been put in jail or accused of domestic or child abuse.

 

Plus in today's internet enabled environment women are just so... available... which makes us wonder why we would settle down at all. Case in point I became single and decided to just date last November. I've had casual sex with 14 different women ranging from age 19 to 39 in those 9 months. It made me wonder what the hell I was doing in serious relationships for the prior 17 years.

 

Female side:

Of course women want an attractive, mature, experienced and well put together man who has his act together. But feminism complicates this. They also often want the same guy with his act together to take marching orders from them like a man-child; but this doesnt come out until after a serious relationship has started because initially they are not attracted to a weenie who wants to be bossed around.

 

They want a career yet they want to be able to stay at home and raise their children, they want an alpha male yet they want him to ask how high when they say jump. They want to eat healthy but most women of marriageable age these days (not including divorcees) can barely cook - they didn't learn because they learned that "a womans' place is no longer in the kitchen". They want to travel the world and spend a fortune on plane tickets so they can take lots of great selfies to show their friends but this is not condusive to having a career, a boyfriend, husband, or a family.

 

In short modern women are wandering around in a perpetual state of confusion as to who they are supposed to be. This is starting to effect men these days as well but more the sub 25 year olds at this point.

 

So for a women, "settling" in the negative sense of the term could be with almost any man. Mr. Successful cannot travel the world and wont be bossed around. Mr. Artist doesnt make enough money for a dream wedding or to buy a house. Mr. Charming is missing out on other qualities. No man will be able to offer them everything, life is a series of trade offs, but "girl power" and the postfeminist era has taught them that they not only can but should have it all.

 

Hence we see that well over 60% of divorces are initiated by women, quite often served to a completely oblivious man who had no idea that anything was wrong at all - simply because the woman "wasnt happy", was "bored" or wants to "try something else" and runs off with an affair partner. One only need look at the hit bestseller book and movie "Eat, Love, Pray" to see that this apathy and confusion lurks large under the surface of a large swath of the female population.

 

Im not hating on women in writing all of this; quite the contrary, I feel sad for women stuck in this confusing rut. While returning to the nuclear family dream of the 1940s and 1950s where women aspired to be housewives and mothers is not the answer, women, like men, need a clear sense of direction of what kind of person that they should aspire to be.

 

Men want to be protectors, providers, the strong rock in the relationship, solid fathers, who work hard and look after their woman and family. Its pretty clear for most of us. Women have no idea what they want because they can't have it all and in many instances are shamed for wanting what is a biological imperative. Watch the poor woman who actually *wants* to be a housewife and mother get shamed by her friends and family for "wanting to waste her life" and then watch the same group of women shame a thirtysomething in the same group for *not* being married with children.

 

This is in large part why a lot of western men eventually get fed up and search for a potential wife who is from a foreign country. Women from most non-western cultures are comfortable with men being men and women being women. I dated a Filipina woman and just being around her made me feel like a God - she didn't fawn over me or compliment me all the time, simple gestures was all it took.

 

I hope that the western female psyche eventually turfs postmodern feminism on it's ass and gives it the heave-ho so that future generations of women can be comfortable doing what made women happy for thousands of years, while voting working and being educated and having fulfilling careers.

 

See:

https://www.google.ca/url?sa=t&rct=j&q=&esrc=s&source=web&cd=4&cad=rja&uact=8&ved=0CDAQFjAD&url=http%3A%2F%2Fnews.nationalpost.com%2F2014%2F07%2F25%2Fnot-all-feminists-how-modern-feminism-has-become-complicated-messy-personal-and-sometimes-alienating%2F&ei=clf3U-z6LYOHjALstoDgAQ&usg=AFQjCNEkAHdnBBteAOs2YLD9BhxuuCXmpw&sig2=Er4OgMbWrX9O2DVA98T0Jw&bvm=bv.73373277,d.cGE

 

https://www.google.ca/url?sa=t&rct=j&q=&esrc=s&source=web&cd=15&cad=rja&uact=8&ved=0CGoQFjAO&url=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.truewoman.com%2F%3Fid%3D2858&ei=clf3U-z6LYOHjALstoDgAQ&usg=AFQjCNFEB60qdm9bBgSwf6-1dOvy2YHh9Q&sig2=P4QpT3vhgNj3aF0Q57P71Q&bvm=bv.73373277,d.cGE

 

https://www.google.ca/url?sa=t&rct=j&q=&esrc=s&source=web&cd=1&cad=rja&uact=8&ved=0CB4QFjAA&url=http%3A%2F%2Fmensrightsarehumanrights.wordpress.com%2F&ei=clf3U-z6LYOHjALstoDgAQ&usg=AFQjCNHXJQXDBvjZ6WHq82_2BoNiRXMOZw&sig2=-bwosRhLeY8igyAzFc02lQ&bvm=bv.73373277,d.cGE

 

https://www.google.ca/url?sa=t&rct=j&q=&esrc=s&source=web&cd=11&cad=rja&uact=8&ved=0CBsQFjAAOAo&url=http%3A%2F%2Fafilina.com%2Fim-not-a-feminist%2F&ei=wlf3U8r_CcH3igLn1oHYAw&usg=AFQjCNGxsjl4g-YAUppVvoDFmc2eU867nw&sig2=c1PzKChQhZmOgqpHxrmUWQ&bvm=bv.73373277,d.cGE

 

Women Against Feminism

 

The National Post article you cite doesn't actually say what you're saying here. Did you read it?

 

I'm sure there are people who shame others for going a different route, because they think it invalidates their own choices. Certainly, that might include self-described feminists who think women shouldn't be stay-at-home moms. That also (to my certain knowledge) includes women who are self-described anti-feminists who think women should be stay-at-home moms. Or even worse, men who are self-described anti-feminists who think women should be stay-at home moms. This all despite the fact that what others do is none of their business.

 

The point is, as your own citation there clearly states, that kind of judgment is actually antithetical to what feminism is all about. And no feminists I know think this way. As has been said here many times already. Sigh.

 

Anyway. I think this whole diversion is a soapbox argument and kind of off-topic.

 

Back to topic: what would I consider settling and when is it OK? I think people know when their internal lines are crossed, and that's when it's not OK. Issues of respect, borders, and so forth - those are things that one shouldn't settle on. Long-term compatibility is a bit nebulous, but shared values make up a lot of that. I think people do know for themselves what the dealbreakers are.

 

As for looks - well. We all say on these boards all the time that people shouldn't be "required" (whatever that means) to date others to whom they're not attracted, and that's clearly true. Nobody should have to do anything when it comes to dating. But I do think that with maturity one is able to look a bit deeper - not just into others, but into oneself - about why certain personal attributes are preferred. Sometimes it's for good reasons, sometimes not.

Edited August 22, 2014 by serial muse

[PerfectStorm]

To me this is a loaded question, with many different takes. Settling IMO would be spending my life with a man with no car, living with his mom, crappy job, overweight, no ambition, no personality and not very attractive. What I would LOVE to have is hot, sexy, sensitive, passionate, manly, attentive but not needy, filthy rich but humble, awesome in bed, dresses well, motivated, funny. You know everything? Hahaha.

 

My point is, obviously I will compromise on a lot of that or die alone with 50 cats. That's not settling though.

Edited August 22, 2014 by PerfectStorm

[carhill]

What does "Not settling" mean to you

 

Feeling healthy about myself and interpersonal relationships and viewing others as equals.

[TigerLilly78]

Really, dudes are the ones holding out?

 

 

How many guys are on LS saying how they cant find a relationship you mean to tell me zero women have expressed interest in all these men?

[jay1983]

How many guys are on LS saying how they cant find a relationship you mean to tell me zero women have expressed interest in all these men?

 

you said.

 

it seams the dudes are all holding out for as close to a model as they can get

 

I really don't think these guys are passing up anything close to a model.

[MissBee]

You asked what not settling means for people yet didn't really give it a chance but proposed your own assumptions about what it means and your own conclusions about how it would work out.

 

For me: settling is accepting less than you deserve and want for fear of not finding better. It's actually being unhappy with a person but being too scared [of being alone, rejection, vulnerability, you name it] to go after what you need and want. For me looks plays no role in settling and when I think of settling it is always about more important things.

 

Relationships are hard even when you're madly in love but even harder when you've settled for something you're not entirely happy with.

 

A long time ago I compiled an actual list of Needs, Wants and Absolute NOs. The things I need to feel loved, happy and satisfied, the things I want but aren't a must have (example: physical traits) and things I absolutely under no circumstance would ever tolerate (example: substance abuser). I date and look for partners based on what I feel is a realistic list of things. I also provide room to grow and for my list to change.

 

I'm not single anymore and I've stuck to my list. There are things my bf does not fulfill and things that I may need more time with him to see but he became my bf because he matched a good amount of it and I saw room to grow. So for me the whole settling and compromise issue begins with understanding your needs, wants and deal breakers and dating with attention to those things and checking yourself all the time to see where you can be flexible and grow.

Edited August 22, 2014 by MissBee

[MissBee]

Settling is not about a list of traits or about the person you are with, but really about the feelings you have.

 

The only situation wherein you are settling is when you have that feeling deep inside you that you feel there could be a better relationship out there for you, but because of certain factors (and there are MANY different types) you are deciding to stay with your current partner.

 

At the end of the day, settling lies in the gut. Are you happy with your relationship and partner? Or do you constantly think about how your life might be better if you tried searching again, but are afraid of leaving the situation you are in due to those factors that are keeping you around?

 

This!

 

Perfectly stated as well.

 

For marriage for example, if I'm going to say "I do" I want to feel like I cannot imagine myself being with any other person. I want to feel totally content and satisfied and happy to imagine "forever" with this person.

 

I would be settling if I had the niggling feeling that maybe I could do better, or maybe I can find someone else, or if I'm still thinking of an old ex or looking at a coworker and thinking wonder what it would be like to be with him instead...

 

It is in your gut for real. I think when you're settling you may have one fit out and may be more likely to be on the look out for greener grass, whereas when you've not settled you feel like "This is IT" and can't imagine anything better

[TigerLilly78]

you said.

 

 

 

I really don't think these guys are passing up anything close to a model.

 

 

With some of the shallow responses ive seen on here from some men yeah it makes me wonder they have high standards witch is fine but then they are depressed and angry when they don't find anyone to live up to them..

 

I could be wrong and im sure not every guy is in that situation but it was just my observation..it goes both ways as well like chicks who discount guys for all kinds of silly shallow reasons..

[Eggplant]

You're settling for somebody if you aren't in love, at least in love in the beginning.

 

 

 

 

Choose to settle if you will, but be prepared to honor your promises.

[Eggplant]

This is in large part why a lot of western men eventually get fed up and search for a potential wife who is from a foreign country. Women from most non-western cultures are comfortable with men being men and women being women. I dated a Filipina woman and just being around her made me feel like a God - she didn't fawn over me or compliment me all the time, simple gestures was all it took.

Sounds like she knows how to treat a man. A rare gem from what you say. I bet you were smart and put a ring on it.

...

Plus in today's internet enabled environment women are just so... available... which makes us wonder why we would settle down at all. Case in point I became single and decided to just date last November. I've had casual sex with 14 different women ranging from age 19 to 39 in those 9 months. It made me wonder what the hell I was doing in serious relationships for the prior 17 years.

So she was great, but even that wasn't better than being single for you. Which is WHY women don't quit their day job. I bet if you had been an EASTERN man, you'd have stepped up and asked her father's hand in marriage and bought her a house.

[StanMusial]

I read an article years ago that sort of stuck with me. This is the story that was in it. Want to hear it, here it goes:

 

"There’s a story the columnist and author, Bob Greene, tells about a groupie chick from the early days of rock ’n’ roll. It turns out this young woman had set a lofty goal for herself. Not to become the next Tina Turner or Grace Slick or Janis Joplin. No, this was even loftier. This particular young roadie’s ambition in life was to sleep with Mick Jagger.

 

Truth be told, she had in fact slept with a lot of rock stars. Some she liked. Others, not so much. But at least she could say she’d had sex with one heck of a lot of musicians. And every morning, she would wake up and she would think, well, that was cool. That was fine. But he’s no Mick Jagger.

 

And then one day, she found herself actually hanging around with the Rolling Stones. One thing led to another and, you guessed it, she did sleep with Mick. Finally, she’d made it. She’d reached the mountaintop. A roll in the sack with Mick himself. And when it was over, she thought, well, that was cool. That was fine. But he’s no Mick Jagger."

[Missy0724]

I think it's about each person's personal values and boundaries. And likes and dislikes. For me it means, "Dealbreakers"

 

For me, there must be that natural "connection". That's just either there, or it's not. At least some kind of "spark". If not, then it's just a "friendship". If that is what you want, great. But a relationship is friendship, PLUS intimacy, including being physical with each other. That is pretty important. To me anyway...Must have that attraction!

 

As long as a man is respectful to me, listens to me, is a true friend, by his ACTIONS. He must have my back, is supportive with words and actions. We must have common interests.

 

Dealbreakers for me are: smoking, drugs, heavy drinking, someone who does not care about their physical and mental health, or personal grooming. And if someone doesn't like dogs. ;-) BIG ONES: Not over any exes. That is truly a PITA. Crappy communication, too much drama, complaining, negativity, laziness. We are imperfect and have baggage. But when someone has too much baggage, is a "project" or I have to be their therapist - NO THANK YOU. I want to be your girlfriend. I want there to be an US. And you better damn well make me feel that I am a priority!!! Or don't waste my time. Because that is what I want to give. It HAS to be a two way street, or it will fail. Every time...

[Weezy1973]

The term "settling" is one of those words that people that are single - and especially those that really struggle to get into a meaningful relationship - always seem to use. They mistakenly think that if they just hold out for that one person ("not perfect; just perfect for me!") that will be the key to building a happy, long lasting relationship.

 

Those that are actually in happy, long lasting relationships realize that the notion of settling is hogwash. If you go to a couple who've been together for 20+ years and ask them what the key to their relationship is - I guarantee none of them will say "we each refused to settle, and we're perfect for each other." In fact I suspect most of them will look at you like you're crazy as the concept of "settling" or "not settling" wasn't even something that crossed their minds.