Gf cheated on me but regrets it and says will end up hurting herself if I left her.

[Frostfyr]

[Please take some time to read this, Thank You]

I was in a relationship with a girl for more than 7yrs. We grew up together as neighbours. We became friends and later it grew into love. I know her inside out.

As we grew up, she got a job in another city. And long distance relationship started.

Within 4 months into her job, I started seeing changes in her. She started giving her friend more priority over me. Replied after hours. We used to chat on WhatsApp, there I used to find her online most of the time. She used to reply late and stuff. By asking her, she used to tell she is chatting in a group.

She used to come down every weekend to meet her parents and me.

In some two months, her behaviour towards me changed very drastically. She didn’t care about my life, used to reply not more than 4-5 words. I was in really pain because she treated me very badly. I always cared for her, devoted my time, and sacrificed million, trillion times for her. I’m very good at expressing my feelings. I made music for her, created images for her, dedicated songs to her, and many more things. We have gotten intimate many times, we still are virgin.

But all these, were diminishing every day, because she treated me very badly in those two months. So, I thought of hacking her WhatsApp.

One weekend I finally did able to hack, and found out she is cheating and having dirty talks with her team lead for more than 3months which is 6yrs elder to her and is a divorcee.

 

And confronted her with, she broke into piece and started crying. In her defence, she told me that all of that was just a joke and he was just a close friend. Because every colleague in her office was open minded and she thought she was too backward.

She has told him things that once she said to me like;

“In my life, I have only love you”

“I’m soo much in love with you”

“I really love you, I cannot imagine living a single day without you”

And many more things…

One time, she was begging him not to leave her. And that she belongs to him and only him.

She said, all this was said as a friend, and because he was a divorced, she cared for him.

 

They also had many nasty/dirty/adult talks about foreplay and some of sex too.

When asked her about this, she said this was written as a jokes, nothing actually happened between us. (if this all was just a joke, I would’ve seen smileys and laughs all around)

But in the chats I had, they both admitted that the kiss they had was amazing. And they really want to do other stuff in near future.

She lied to me several times, that she is going to market, doing the dishes, fell asleep.

(I know all this because I compared my chats). They both actually used to make plans to meet up.

She lied to me just to be with him. She told me that she was going to tell me at the right time because she didn’t wanted to hurt me. And she was afraid of my reaction so she hid this from me.

I know her, she would’ve altered the story in her favour and made it look like she had no control over this.

I told her that I’m leaving you because you ruined the purity of our relation, you destroyed my belief in love, trust and in YOU! Our relation was a lie and I was a fool to believe that you ever loved me. You lied to me every day, just to be with him. To me trust is the base of any relationship. And not even the biggest temptations can distract you from me. You played with me feelings, you played with my heart. You knew how freaking sensitive I am towards you. Emotionally weak. Still you let this happen to me, to us!

I loved her like crazy, She was the world to me, my life, my heartbeat, my soul mate, she defined me, defined love to me, she was everything I could ever dream of.

If you don’t believe me, visit my tumble page

 

freshfromheart.tumblr.com

 

Everything there is dedicated to her. Everything!

 

She tells me that, she will leave the world behind just to be with me. Begging me not to leave her, she cries all day. She says she admits her mistake and should’ve drawn a line. Tells me she would never do this again. Will stop talking to her friends, just for me. I can’t live without you, I need you by my side. And tells me that I will regret it later after some time that what I’m doing is wrong. She tells she would hurt herself, do something reckless. And if she can’t be with me, she will disappear from everyone’s life and would go somewhere unknown.

I got scared for a moment, because I still love her in my own ways. I respected her for being independent and other stuff. But the thought that she would do this again haunts me to the core. I’ll always be paranoid to hack her cell phone again just to check if she is doing it again.

She begged for a second chance, and that she would make me realize what I mean to her. She cried for more than 20 days over the phone, when we meet on weekends, etc.

I have no clue what should I do. Because the pain in unbearable and I can’t think straight. Her chats with him bugs me every second and my heart bleeds.

Should I give her another chance and risk of happening this to me again?

[imfine]

Only you know what you can forget. What stands out to me is the length of time she spent cheating with another guy. It's not like she got carried away one time. This went on for months. Do you really want to spend the rest of your life waiting for the other shoe to drop? Monitoring her every move?

 

As far as her hurting herself, let her close friends & family know what she has threatened & then stop all contact with her. She is manipulating you into staying by threatening self harm. Yet another sign of her selfish ways. You can't clear your mind to really decide what's best for you if you spend your days comforting her.

[d0nnivain]

She's emotionally blackmailing you.

 

You can't take her back because she's threatening to kill herself. If she does commit suicide that is on her, not you. However, the next time she says it if you think she's serious, call the police and an ambulance. They can put her on a 72 hour psych hold in the hospital if she is genuinely a danger to herself or others.

 

You need to end this relationship. She's teasing you with the sex & she's cheating on you to some extent with the dirty talk / texts with her boss.

[preraph]

I completely agree with the above post. Do not ever let anyone blackmail you into staying with them. If she makes any threats, call 911. Don't let her manipulate you. If she's bluffing, and she is, calling 911 will shut her up from crying wolf again. If she's not, she'll get the help she needs. You need to tell her you're going no contact with her and block her every way possible because of this.

[GoBlue]

I too agree with the previous two posts. If you are serious about considering staying in a relationship with her then counseling would seem to be a natural choice. Emotional blackmail is nothing more than manipulation - love is mutual care and concern. Manipulation is never a sound foundation for any relationship.

[Frostfyr]

Thank You so much for the replies.

 

As all of you are agreeing with each other, I guess I should leave her for the best. I'm surely going to miss her, as she was a part of me for so long. Forgetting her wont be simple. Any help regarding that ?

 

Should I just cut off from her in a snap, or send a Goodbye text ?

 

 

Guys/Girls, thank you soo soo much for directing me to some sense.

One more thing, my belief in trust and love is lost. I dont know if i will ever be able to love again & the most important of all, trust again.

[CarrieT]

Should I just cut off from her in a snap, or send a Goodbye text ?

No. And No.

 

Do the honorable thing; call and talk to her. Tell her honestly and openly and explain that you are going No Contact.

 

But do NOT do it electronically.

[d0nnivain]

You need to sit her down face to face & end the relationship calmly & maturely.

 

You never break up with somebody via text or e-mail.

[No Limit]

... And when you have that talk, please don't fall for lies and tears!

[seekingpeaceinlove]

Sometimes trust can be irrevocably broken. Your gf cheated on you and only confessed AFTER you caught her. Now, she is manipulating you with suicidal threats to keep you in her life.

 

Trust is the foundation on which a relationship is built and this is especially true for long-distance relationships. It'll be really difficult for you to be able to trust her again and even harder from a distance.

 

Don't let her threats tie you to her but if you are ready to end this relationship, treat her with respect and dignity. She may not deserve your kindness but be true to who you are and bow out with your values in tact.

 

Good luck.

[preraph]

I would only have that talk in person if he knows he can walk away from her manipulations because she's going to pull out all the stops. I say she's already forced his hand and no reason he ought to feel he owes her anything. She knows what she's done and what she did was really crappy.

 

I'm sorry you're going to miss her. Maybe she'll get some help but sounds like she'd rather just use mental illness as a way to entrap people, so I don't even know if she needs real mental health or just some ethics and boundaries to live by. And that ship has already sailed.

[Frostfyr]

Sometimes trust can be irrevocably broken. Your gf cheated on you and only confessed AFTER you caught her. Now, she is manipulating you with suicidal threats to keep you in her life.

 

Trust is the foundation on which a relationship is built and this is especially true for long-distance relationships. It'll be really difficult for you to be able to trust her again and even harder from a distance.

 

Don't let her threats tie you to her but if you are ready to end this relationship, treat her with respect and dignity. She may not deserve your kindness but be true to who you are and bow out with your values in tact.

 

Good luck.

 

Thank you for this. I'll meet up in person and try and do it more maturely. I just hope I dont fall for more of her lies.

Thank You once again..

[preraph]

Keep us posted. One more suicide threat while you're there, call 911.

[GorillaTheater]

I'll meet up in person and try and do it more maturely.

 

Make sure it's a public place. This girl sounds like one hell of a loose cannon, and you're going to want to protect yourself.

[54JA]

Can I make a suggestion? When you see her next time to "officially" break up with her, try to keep the exchanges short. Make your message clear and to the point. Don't sugar coat it. This is to avoid the usual trap in the long dragged out break up conversation where people end up giving false hopes for each other.

 

I am so sorry you are going through this. This is a lot to process. But you received great insights from the above posts about how to handle your ex' reaction (threat to self-harm). Listen to them.

 

Good luck with your healing.

[preraph]

Dialing 911 is always the rational choice, but I've always been tempted in these situations where they tell them they'll kill themself if you leave to tell them "And I'll kill myself if you don't leave."

[Frostfyr]

Yes, I'll keep posting. Again Thanks to everybody, it feels very nice people help each other to a great extent. :-(

I just wish someone would actually cure this unbearable pain.

Trust and Love weren’t just another words to me, but after this, my belief in them is surely lost.

 

A question for everyone, do I need some support group or therapist where I can seek for help? If not, can someone please guide me how can I cope up with this ?

[Natsu21]

Yes, I'll keep posting. Again Thanks to everybody, it feels very nice people help each other to a great extent. :-(

I just wish someone would actually cure this unbearable pain.

Trust and Love weren’t just another words to me, but after this, my belief in them is surely lost.

 

A question for everyone, do I need some support group or therapist where I can seek for help? If not, can someone please guide me how can I cope up with this ?

 

My friend, you don't need a support group or therapist...

 

You need to drop her. You think she was joking for 6 months? You can't be that naive.

 

She cheated on you. If you don't show her any real consequences, she's gonna do it again.

 

Teach her a lesson, drop her, go no contact, suck it up cause the emotional roller coaster is going to be there.

 

Ex gf did this...she's a bag of angry cats, don't fall for it.

[54JA]

I know the initial pain of break up can be very overwhelming, but it is normal. Sometimes the pain can be so intense it interferes with your normal functioning. Therapy and/or support group aren't required for everyone, but it's up to you. If you feel like the pain is too intense and feel like you are becoming depressed, I don't see the harm in trying them.

 

You can also look up on the Internet about stages of post-break up recovery/grief to gain the sense that it is all normal. I read a book on this topic a couple of days after my break up. I felt like I was losing my mind, but reading the book helped me see that my reaction to the break up was normal and gave me hope that someday this will go away too.

[dragon_fly_7]

What a manipulative tramp!!!! So not only does she cheats for so long and would have been carrying this on if you haven't found out (she was never going to tell you herself) but she's pressuring you into staying or else she'll cut herself or commit suicide? Basically, she's making the decision about the fate of the relationship and deciding for you even though she's the one that cheated?:mad:

 

If she truely care about you after cheating, she would give you as much time as you need to heal from this and would never consider hurting herself nor committing suicide (no, normal person says that) and would probably even tell you ''I understand in the end, if you want to break up because I don't deserve you. I truly messed up and it's really up to you. I'm so sorry for this burden I placed upon you. Once again, it's really up to you.''.

[Frostfyr]

She is continuously sending me huge texts messages, begging for forgiveness and apologizing for this "mistake" of hers’. She has already sent me 52 text messages, and like 20+ voice mails. All saying sorry, telling me how much she loves me and misses me, and still saying that it was all a joke because she thought she was too backward in her office group.

[Airborne]

It's not a joke. Lots of women get the hots for guys with authority over them. Just let her know if she needs a ride to the hospital call her boss and not you.

[preraph]

You should block her every which way right before you go have the talk to tell her it's over so she can't continue to suck the life out of you.

 

If you do find you need help getting through it, there is everything from a church counselor if you're a churchgoer to Al-Anon family groups that offer support if there was any addiction component to her being like this.

 

In this case, because she used the threat of suicide as blackmail, I think maybe contacting an abuse counselor would be the best thing. True, they mostly handle victims of physical abuse, but they're well versed on the many facets of abuse, and this is one. If you Google "help for emotional abuse," I think that will lead you to links where you can find resources in your area. They can help you understand it and let go of any guilt. Talk it out and get it off your chest and it will be easier to move on from there.

 

Of course, a psychologist is always an option if you have insurance or money for one.

Edited August 24, 2014 by preraph

[No Limit]

By all means block her. And also don't get the idea tat all those "efforts" of her are a sign that she really likes you, because they're not. When a friend of mine broke up with their ex who was days away from cheating on her, he sent her over 700 texts and left countless of voice messages.

 

This is their psycho side, not love. Block block block.

[Frostfyr]

I've been looking into other post and there are even worst situations.

9yrs, 14yrs into a relation.

Why do partners cheat ?

All i ever did was love her, isn't that enough ?