Is he a mummy's boy? !

[kitkat1234]

Hello everyone,

 

To start with I have to say that I think I know the answer to this question but I am a bit confused because he does not fit all the criteria I have read online. So I will start from the beginning..

 

We met seven months ago and we currently live together, or to be more accurate he lives at my place every night but he is not contributing to bills etc because we have not formally moved in together. He does contribute to food expenses.

 

When we started going out together and the time came for us to sleep together I asked him if he could sleep over. His answer was that he cannot because his mum does not know me yet and she needs to meet me. This was two weeks after our first date. At the time I thought it was too soon to meet the parents but at the same time I liked the idea that someone wanted to introduce me to his parents so early on.

 

The good news is that his mum approved, to be precise she absolutely adores me. Since then he stays at mine every night and she is fine with that. She wants us to get married.

 

Once he was ill with high fever and he insisted on seeing his parents every day even with high temperature. When we went over his mum made a comment like he wants his girlfriend to take care of him now not his mum.

 

They constantly speak on the phone, at least 3-4 times a day. Once he forgot to call her before we went to bed and she called at 1am, woke us up because she was scared that something happened to us. When we went on a holiday I thought they would talk to each other less often. Don't get me wrong, I speak to mother almost every day but it is a short is all ok call. He spoke to his mother every day 5-6 times a day when we were on holiday, informing her of everything we did.

 

He does not talk to her when we have arguments because he is sure she will tell him off as he has a bad temper and 99% of the time our arguments are silly because of his bad temper. Once we had a big argument and we went over to visit his parents. His mum saw me and knew something was off. He told me that she started asking him questions, what was wrong what he did and upset me. Another time she started saying to him that it is time we have kids and settle down. We have had this conversation and we agreed that it was too early for us to have kids especially because of our finances, they are not very stable at the moment. After the chat he had with his mum, he told me that we should have kids and that his parents will help us financially. I told him that this is our decision not his mums and that we had discussed this. He immediately defended his mum and that he did not want to upset her.

 

I forgot to mention that his mum buys him his clothes and underwear. She also gives him money when for example he has to pay his car insurance, even though he earns enough to cover it. He also jumps every time she needs something, he is always available to her. To be honest though she is not that needy, but wants to see him almost every day. If she doesn't see him or me for a couple of days she calls and says we have disappeared.

 

Also his mum calls me regularly, wants to know what I am up to and if all is ok. Also when she doesn't like something that we will do she will say it. When we went on holiday we wanted to go hiking. She thought it was his idea and started shouting at him. She has an opinion in everything that we do or don't do.

 

When it comes to his behaviour when he is at mine, i had to do a lot of training, most of it unsuccessful. Most of the time I feel like I am his servant, he is very untidy and does not help out at all. He expects that I do everything for him. Once we had an argument about this and he told me "if you don't like it, I will go back to my mum, she never complains". He never says thank you about anything as he thinks that it is a given I should be doing all these things for him.

 

I don't know whether he is just spoilt and his mum over involved or if he is a mummys boy. Also sometimes I wonder whether it has to do with my situation. I left home when I was 18, moved to another country and lived on my own. He on the other hand never left home. I am close to my parents but I don't want to or have to see them every day and tell them every little detail that happens in my life. I see them once a week now that I live close to them. I find this to be normal and a healthy relationship.

 

I had a conversation with him about this. I asked him will you have to see your mum every day when we get married and have a family? He told me no, it will be different then. On another occasion though he told me that when his parents get very old they may have to move in with us as none of his other brothers will want to help them out. Ok maybe I am crazy here. But even if my parents were ill, I would never ask them to move in with me and my husband. Yes I would go visit every day if I could and get them full time help. Am I being unreasonable here?

 

Any help is greatly appreciated.

[bastus]

<p>imo , i think he is, me also close to my mother since she never been remarried while i am the only child , even so , she never interfered about my relationship stuff with women , unless i ask her opinion ..</p><p> </p><p>hopely helping..</p>

[preraph]

Well, there's a dealbreaker in this relationship and it's the fact he's letting you and his mom support him like a five-year-old. Someone failed to teach him that he has to be an adult and fend for himself. You'd be doing him a huge favor if you told him that unless he works and pays his half without help from his mother, that you are not staying with him. And there is no way in hell you should have kids with this big baby. His mother is happy to let you take him because he's a big burden. Yes, she's still worried because she knows how helpless he still is.

 

 

You shouldn't marry or have kids with a child, and that is what this guy is. His mom's main fault is she didn't teach him how to be an adult.

[kitkat1234]

Thank you so much for your messages, they are very helpful. I had never dealt with a mammas boy before, I think I was mesmerised by his devotion and loyalty, a quality I have not found in a man before.

 

He is the youngest boy and from what he has told me he was spoiled by his mum, she favoured him over the others and always wanted to please him. But unconsciously I think she is also trying to control him, knowing that he is the last one, all the others are married, and that once he is gone she will be left with her husband, who she does not seem to get on with. Because she spoiled him so much, I think he feels that he has to give something back to her every chance he gets, and I think that he feels guilty deep down.

 

You are right, I was thinking about this today, he is a child, and I have to break up with the child and he will be heartbroken. He was talking about getting engaged the other day and I only managed to say that we need to wait for a year to get to know each other better. How do you have a child with a child? I think it would be better to get pregnant and have it on my own. So sad realising all this...

Edited August 20, 2014 by kitkat1234

[Missy0724]

It's called Co-dependency. Big time. I dated a man (boy at 40!) like this. Just too much involvement with his mother. He'd get an award at work, and his mother would be his "date". wtf. It's great to love your parents, but yes, agree with you OP, it is healthy to have that distance and respect with your parents. Call and chat on phone, see how they are doing, ask if THEY need help. That is how it should be, not the parents still helping a grown man or woman!

 

Yuck. Either ask him to contribute, as well as ask him who is the priority in his life - you, or his mother?

 

It's like there are three of you in the relationship. No thanks... He needs to step up, get that healthy separation from his mother, parents, or GOODBYE. Go back and live with mommy.

[leavesonautumn]

Your boyfriend sounds exactly like my ex.

 

To keep it short, yes he is a momma's boy. Just remember one important thing, it's up to him to let her know when she oversteps boundaries and not up to you. If he doesn't tell her how it is now, he never will and you will always feel like you're somehow competing.

 

Let him know your frustrations without insulting his family. Which can be tough considering it's a sensitive situation. On one hand, it's awesome that he's close to his family and treats his mom well but on the other, they will always view him as a kid and not an adult.

 

When my ex was 30/31 he told me he had no plans to move away from his mom because she "doesn't have long to live". She was 50 at that time. He has told me he feels like he is emotionally in debt with his family as they helped him through his cocaine addiction. His father has been out of the picture pretty much his entire life. It almost felt like he was replacing his dad without the sexuality.

 

Look up the book "The Emotional Incest Syndrome". It's an interesting look at this topic. You have a lot to consider if you continue this relationship.

[preraph]

Hope it goes well. Make a clean break or he will continue to lean on you. The problem is mama's boys when they come of age sometimes just try to replace the mother instead of cutting the cord and becoming a man.

[GoBlue]

When we started going out together and the time came for us to sleep together I asked him if he could sleep over. His answer was that he cannot because his mum does not know me yet and she needs to meet me. This was two weeks after our first date. At the time I thought it was too soon to meet the parents but at the same time I liked the idea that someone wanted to introduce me to his parents so early on.

 

Let me understand what you are saying, two weeks is too soon to meet his mother but it's not too soon to have him stay over and begin a sexual relationship?

 

On another occasion though he told me that when his parents get very old they may have to move in with us as none of his other brothers will want to help them out. Ok maybe I am crazy here. But even if my parents were ill, I would never ask them to move in with me and my husband. Yes I would go visit every day if I could and get them full time help. Am I being unreasonable here?

 

Even if your parents were "ill" you would "never ask them to move in with" you and your husband? There are red flags in this relationship but not for the reasons you are suggesting. He may or may not be a "mummy's boy" but there seems to be a significant difference in your values as far as family goes. It sounds like there would be lots of disagreement and conflict in your household. Besides, living together is not a good way to prepare for marriage. Neither is getting sexually involved at such an early stage. This is not an "old prude" giving his opinion but statistical truth backed up by many studies.

 

A real close look at this relationship is warranted. A real close look at your strategy for finding a husband is also warranted. I truly hope you find what you are looking for. Blessings!

[kitkat1234]

Thank you for all your messages they have been very helpful.

 

Go Blue, I would like to answer to your message directly although this is a different topic. I don't believe that one should wait very long to have sex in order to get married. I believe that it happens when one feels comfortable enough to do it. Ones character and whether a man takes them seriously is seen by other things in my opinion. I have always been taken seriously by men.

 

And I don't have a strategy for finding a husband and I never will. I am myself and if I find someone who likes me as much as I do, we love each other and I am happy and marriage comes then it comes, if not, then it doesn't.

 

Living together is the best way to prepare for marriage, you need to test the horse before you actually ride it.

 

And when it comes to studies, please don't believe everything you read. I have many friends who had sex early, even on the first date and they lived together and they are happily married.

 

I think once you start thinking about strategies and ways to get married you lose yourself. Then again this may work for you or has worked for you..

[GemmaUK]

Mummy's boy or not I wouldn't be sticking around with a man who has a bad temper or expects to be waited upon.