Issues with partner's dysfunctional family

[Meowth]

First time I have had to do this... so please be patient and I will try to be brief and not too boring!

 

Firstly I am with the man of my dreams. We are both in our 30's, both clean cut living and working hard towards socially responsible careers. We are working towards moving in together as he still lives with his father after the recession and I live in a very small studio flat.

 

We both come from difficult families. Mine more due to culture than anything else. But his family are....very....different.

 

For starters, his parents separated a long time ago. The two eldest children (both girls) moved out early in life and started families. The eldest has 4 children and the 2nd also has 4. The father is suffering COPD as well as mental health issues like depression and bi-polar disorder.

 

My partner was pretty much left to fend for himself with his father by the time he was 15 when everyone left. Before that, when the family unit were together, he was abused violently. He's been whipped, cut with glass from a car light, had his head smashed into the wall until his nose bled, told he was the reason family members died...when they hadn't and would show up a few days later. And this was all from his mother. His father mainly beat him and wouldn't care for his general health at all. Instead he favored the females of the house hold and spoiled the eldest daughter and still does.

 

My partner has scars all over his body from the abuse he took over his life.

 

Now move forwards.

 

When I met him he was securely under the thumb of everyone in his family. He acted as father to the eldest sister's children as their father was always in prison. No joke, by the children's birthdays you can tell when he was in prison and when he came out and then went back in. The eldest sister mistreats her children (not with physical abuse but with neglect. She's already been pulled up with social services and been in court 3 times now) She doesn't care about anyone but herself and always uses her father to drive her around everyday when he is in his 60's and sick. She also uses his money to buy anything and everything and never pays a single penny back nor does she even say thank you.

 

To top it off, whenever the children were around me, I would always encourage them to speak politely and would praise them when they did well at school as well as "preach" about education being a useful tool. She would then openly tell them to NOT improve and called me "posh" because I support education and correct grammar! I use slang and I am far from posh.

 

My partner's mother was nice to me at first but even my father, before he passed away, warned me of her. Sure enough, she started to show her true colors as time went on. She encouraged my partner's ex to get in touch to coax him away when she realized he was started to say No a little more than she liked to her demands. When that didn't work she would force herself to have fits by not taking her medication and then drinking alcohol.

 

She has even gone as far as faking cancer. Then when she got his attention to help her get a new council house with 2 bedrooms, promising him a room of his own to get him away from London, she broke her deal once it was hers. And even though she wasn't going to give him a room she then wanted him to still pay his share of the rent even though she gets full benefits and disability!

 

When at home, the father's place is always in a state. I mean filthy not untidy. We both attempted hundreds of times, cleaning the place until it was shining and his father wouldn't even say a simple thank you. Almost on purpose, he would spend the next few days making as much mess as possible. The father sleeps in his clothes for days and never washes himself. He refuses to go to the doctor for his hernia and gets verbally abusive with his son every day for no reason at all.

 

My partner gave up. In their family the idea that the father go into care (which I believe he needs to be) was unthinkable and also unforgivable if anyone reported it. Same attitude for the eldest daughter. The 2nd daughter is the most normal, same as my partner. She stays as far away as possible from the entire mess but will only get involved when it comes to a head. She has 2 young children who has autism and so she has her hands full as it is. We get along fine thankfully.

 

I tried to deal with this even though my upbringing states I should have 1) made phone calls and reports to the appropriate people 2) Spoke up when the verbal abuse kicks off towards my partner from his father and his eldest sister.

 

But, at the request of my partner, I never did.

 

Instead, I focused my efforts on him. Gently, over the 3 years we have been together, he has transformed to a man I hardly recognize and love even more. He stood up to his family a few days ago. First time in his life. He stated he loved himself, he was worth effort, he was worth a better life and that he was leaving in due time to focus his life on himself and me. I cried I was so proud.

 

But that brought the **** storm.

 

His eldest sister spoke up and made clear what we already knew. She hated him and me. Although I have never done anything to her. His mother now hates me and my family because we nurtured him the way she couldn't. And his father is at odds with me silently ignoring my calls because the family are now in an uproar and he is the sort of man who sticks his head in the sand. I realized that part was always there even before he became ill.

 

Thursday I promised myself that it was my turn to speak up because the fight had now been brought to me with nasty texts to my partner calling me names. I know he can stand up for me but I have kept my mouth shut for 3 years and its time I spoke.

 

The thing is.... I'm terrified it will make the situation worse. The only one who I can speak to is the father. The others avoid me or give me dirty looks. The 2nd daughter said she would smooth things out this weekend and that I didn't have to speak but I said I had to. This is my life too with her brother and not just his.

 

I'm not too sure what I'm asking...I guess, any opinions or thoughts would be helpful.

[amaysngrace]

Don't get between him and his mom or sister.

 

It's not your place.

[salparadise]

No one can choose their own family or origin, but you certainly have a choice as to whether or not you will sign into this one. I wouldn't volunteer for that madness for ten million dollars. It's not so easy for your boyfriend––he can only choose to engage, tolerate or separate, and that's a tough dilemma. Nobody can fix them, and it's almost certainly not going to improve over time. My advice would be to save yourself whether that means staying with your boyfriend only if he detaches and agrees to not live in proximity to them or making an even tougher choice... to end the relationship. It will be impossible to have a happy life and a great marriage if the two of you remain within their sphere. So based on that presumption I think you're going to have to get very real with yourself and decide what kind of life you wish to create.

[Meowth]

Thank you for your advice, it was more or less along the lines of what I was thinking. My boyfriend thankfully wants to move away and out of their influence. We both have to stay in London for our careers (he's just started as a police officer and I am a teacher in training) so it will be come time before we can move out of London. But just him moving out will be enough.

[Emilia]

Thank you for your advice, it was more or less along the lines of what I was thinking. My boyfriend thankfully wants to move away and out of their influence. We both have to stay in London for our careers (he's just started as a police officer and I am a teacher in training) so it will be come time before we can move out of London. But just him moving out will be enough.

London is a big city. It's very easy to distance yourself here.

[Missy0724]

My ex boyfriend's family was very dysfunctional. In different ways, but still very difficult for me to feel like I "fit in". A very very codependent family; parents divorced, but father still "cares" for and financially supports the mother, his ex wife of 25 years. My exBF was divorced. The parents still had close contact with his exwife and also financially supported her, gave her money whenever she held out her hand, cried "poor me, I'm divorced, your terrible son hurt me..." Just a frigin' mess... And my exBF had deep issues with his parents, would "blame them" for his issues, intimacy issues, relationship issues, etc. But this is a man who lives right next to his father, works for his father's company. Hello. And they have A LOT of money. Which after a while, I learned with money like that, SO many issues, greed, no boundaries, some people just do, take what they want, very materialistic, selfish, ungrateful, spoiled. For all I know, his father was helping support him, as well. I'm pretty sure he would not have the job he does, if not supported by "Daddy", Daddy didn't give him a job within the company.

Pathetic. And this is a grown, 40 year old man. Yuck.

 

Glad that relationship is OVER. Not for me.

 

It wore on me. I'm from some dysfunction as well, so at first, was understanding. But then when the depth of the issues came to light, it did affect our relationship.

 

No matter how much you love this man, love is never enough. You stay with him, you marry him, you also take on his family. They will always be there.

 

But yes, only realistic answer is for your BF to make choices that make HIM happy, and also take your feelings into consideration. If you are a priority to him... and this is good way to find out... I don't care if it's family or not - no one deserves to be treated like crap, abused, etc. I've walked away from family members, kept distance, cut ties, etc. Including my own mother and sister. Sorry, I don't care WHO it is, you don't abuse me or take advantage of me. So hopefully the least he can do, is make some distance between him and his family, maybe limit the contact, if they are making him, and you unhappy. Only seems healthy, IMO.

 

And if he can't, choses not to...Just give it some time. And then yes, you will have some decisions to make, of how you want your life to look. Remember, YOU MATTER. First and foremost. Take care of YOU, and make sure you are being treated well. Or down the line, you will end up unhappy, and or resentful. Not good... Maybe save yourself some heart ache now, before you get in too deep.

 

Best of luck!

[bubbaganoosh]

Has your partner sought any kind of professional help? I'm in no way saying anything in a nasty way but he sure could use the help with what he's had to put up with.

 

As far as you jumping in to the fire and going to battle with his family, I know that a person could only take so much before you finally say "enough" but IMO, I think all it will do is come back at your partner.

 

If his sister says she will smooth things over, then give her the chance to do so. Your best bet you and your partner can do is stay as far away from thee people as possible. If he finally stood up and fought back then fine and dandy but now the best thing is to avoid if all possible.

 

His sister has the right idea and that is only make contact once or twice a year. These people are not fixable, set in their ways and there isn't anything that's going to change them so the less contact the better.

 

By the way, how far away do you live from them? Oh yeah, I wish you all the luck dealing with this.