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Do more mature women still want a jerk?

dumbass2

By dumbass2,
in General Relationship Discussion

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dumbass2

dumbass2

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When my ex (who is 44) told me she couldn't see me anymore, one of the things she said that stood out to me was this, "maybe if you were more of a jerk, this could have worked"

 

She had a bit of drama in her life and I always tried to be understanding and it was one of the ways I thought I was showing her that I cared about her. I was understanding when it came to anything she had to do with her kids (20 and 22), her work, which we would talk about (she works overnight), her ex who kept trying to keep in contact and I wouldn't be quite so understanding about but tried. I was a good guy to her. We didn't argue hardly at all. There were no yelling fights. There were more talks than anything.

 

Is it really necessary to have have fights and arguments once you reach a certain age and maturity?

 

Should I have expected games to be played on her end?

 

Am I just being too naive because I haven't been in many relationships and had not been in one for a while?

 

The relationship only lasted 5 months and she caused a lot of drama the last few weeks. Is it that she just couldn't handle a "nice guy" because she hadn't been around one in her only 2 relationships?

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insert_name

insert_name

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From the sound of it you should thank her- she has done you a favour by disqualifying herself early instead of you getting much more attached before she whipped out the crazy.

 

I'm sure there are women out there who don't go for jerks or crave drama, might have to search hard to find one though judging by the number of posts about them on here...

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Camaro Guy

Camaro Guy

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I'd say as a man, unless you're extraordinarily good looking, you get more out of being a "jerk" than not. I'd rather not lose my soul, so I definitely am not going that route.

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carhill

carhill

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Funny, reading the title reminded me of the old smelly (cigars) liquor store I used to go to as a kid and had to decide whether I wanted beef jerky or slim jim. Back in the old days when men were jerks (the cigar smoking liquor store owner was an outstanding example) and women loved them all the live-long day. :)

 

These days though, being amongst mature women, nah, not really. They will put up with them if they're rich enough though. See that a lot. Want, not really.

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dumbass2

dumbass2

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Yeh, I just can't see myself, at least purposely, being a jerk to a woman that I was really into and cared for. I'm just not into playing games at my age. In my 20's, been there and dealt with that. I guess I figure the older a person gets, the less drama they need in their life, but as I found out, that is not always going to be the case. I can't change that part of me and i'm not going to try just because it didn't work for her.

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BetrayedH

BetrayedH

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I try to confine my rough side to the bedroom. Otherwise, we're equals. ;)

 

And no, a mature person doesn't need to play games. Comically, your mature woman is anything but. I agree with the previous poster that said she did you a favor by deselecting herself.

 

You can find one that doesn't play games; you just have to be more selective.

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Smilecharmer

Smilecharmer

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Being older doesn't mean you're "mature" frankly.

 

Yep, broken is broken regardless of age. Find someone who is healthy. If you know they are broken, run, don't walk, away from them....don't try to stay and fix them.

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MissBee

MissBee

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Yep, broken is broken regardless of age. Find someone who is healthy. If you know they are broken, run, don't walk, away from them....don't try to stay and fix them.

 

Yea that's the other aspect.

 

Being attracted to jerks is often a deep-seated problem within you and if one never takes the time to address it, it never changes, you will go through life from 14 to 40 still being drawn to that type of dysfunctional dynamic, being older doesn't cure it.

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M30USA

M30USA

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I've said it a hundred times and I'll say it again. There's a reason why incarcerated men get proposal letters from women they don't even know. This simple truth says it all.

 

I've come to the conclusion that if I had given my ex wife a good black eye after she assaulted me, she would probably be begging for me back. But I'm glad I kept my dignity.

Edited by M30USA
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pureinheart

pureinheart

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When my ex (who is 44) told me she couldn't see me anymore, one of the things she said that stood out to me was this, "maybe if you were more of a jerk, this could have worked"

 

She had a bit of drama in her life and I always tried to be understanding and it was one of the ways I thought I was showing her that I cared about her. I was understanding when it came to anything she had to do with her kids (20 and 22), her work, which we would talk about (she works overnight), her ex who kept trying to keep in contact and I wouldn't be quite so understanding about but tried. I was a good guy to her. We didn't argue hardly at all. There were no yelling fights. There were more talks than anything.

 

Is it really necessary to have have fights and arguments once you reach a certain age and maturity?

 

Should I have expected games to be played on her end?

 

Am I just being too naive because I haven't been in many relationships and had not been in one for a while?

 

The relationship only lasted 5 months and she caused a lot of drama the last few weeks. Is it that she just couldn't handle a "nice guy" because she hadn't been around one in her only 2 relationships?

 

First, I am so sorry, but your username cracked me up...I mean, it's not a username that I'm used to seeing.

 

Well, in your title you used the term "mature"...the individual described is far from mature IMO.

 

My advice... any person who can't handle a nice guy is not for you and you should run for the hills at the first hint- and keep running.

 

Drama is for those who require toxic excitement. Life is too short.

 

Lot's of luck to you...

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Airborne

Airborne

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They might get more comfortable with the idea of dating a guy they don't have deep attraction for but is more stable and consistent the older they get. Doesn't change the fact that when they close their eyes to masturbate when you're not around it's likely the guy you call jerk that pops into their head.

Edited by Airborne
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aussietigerwolf

aussietigerwolf

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Its not just women... I was dumped by a guy (36 at the time) because he wanted a relationship like his friend had, full of drama fights and arguments.

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hotpotato

hotpotato

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Its not just women... I was dumped by a guy (36 at the time) because he wanted a relationship like his friend had, full of drama fights and arguments.

 

This.

 

Also, nice guys have their own issues like being passive aggressive. Dating nice guys wont necessarily solve a womans problems, I can attest.

 

How exactly are we defining jerk anyway? A guy may look like a jerk to one person, and to another look like a person who has boundaries.

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Zeurich

Zeurich

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I don't think arguments and disagreeing needed for a relationship as far both can work it out. But I think I know what is the base. I have a friend at work. She was grown in a family where mom and dad always fight like crows. When she got married her husband was very decent handsome guy so she expect him also fight and yell like her own dad. For her it was hard to live with no fight. Once she also said to her husband the same thing" if you were jackass this might work even better" So I think that is what your girl friend gives. But I don't think you should be a jerk for some one as long as you don't want to be. Sorry honestly about your relationship.

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newmoon

newmoon

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Perhaps I only speak for myself here, but if a woman says she wants a "jerk" what she is really saying is that you are not man enough for her, or do not live up to her ideal of how a man should be. It doesn't mean that she is looking for someone to treat her badly, but for someone who understands how to straddle the line between being her ideal and treating her right. The woman you eventually find, the one who likes you, will be happy with your level of aggression, assertiveness, etc. That is really all it means imo.

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dumbass2

dumbass2

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Perhaps I only speak for myself here, but if a woman says she wants a "jerk" what she is really saying is that you are not man enough for her, or do not live up to her ideal of how a man should be. It doesn't mean that she is looking for someone to treat her badly, but for someone who understands how to straddle the line between being her ideal and treating her right. The woman you eventually find, the one who likes you, will be happy with your level of aggression, assertiveness, etc. That is really all it means imo.

 

I agree with this. I was aggressive early on in our relationship. I always took charge as far as planning things and doing things even to the end and I know she liked that, but when it came to her drama, I was too passive and understanding. She would say that I'm sweet, but also that she was looking for a man that was sweet to her. Her only 2 failed relationships (one was a long term marriage) had lots of drama according to her. Maybe she has to have someone to keep her in check. We would talk about the issues and I'd try to help her with them, but she might have been the type that needed a more aggressive man when it came to dealing with those issues. I look back and tell myself that I shouldn't have put up with some of the crap going on, but I did as that was my way of showing her I cared. That's me. Guess it didn't work for her and in my future relationships I will not be so tolerant and understanding on certain issues. I won't change my core self, but I will learn from this and recognize when I need to be less passive in dealing with conflict.

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M30USA

M30USA

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Its not just women... I was dumped by a guy (36 at the time) because he wanted a relationship like his friend had, full of drama fights and arguments.

 

Next please.

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Woggle

Woggle

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No mature women don't want men who give them nothing but drama but age has little to do with maturity. Some people live their entire lives without learning a thing.

 

Also there are women who like good men but you men won't find them until they stop trying to play the knight in shining armor to troubled women. If you want a healthy relationship you need to have a healthy woman.

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M30USA

M30USA

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No mature women don't want men who give them nothing but drama but age has little to do with maturity. Some people live their entire lives without learning a thing.

 

Also there are women who like good men but you men won't find them until they stop trying to play the knight in shining armor to troubled women. If you want a healthy relationship you need to have a healthy woman.

 

Very very true this is.

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M30USA

M30USA

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Many women love drama... and the jerk offers that.

 

I remember thinking to myself towards the end of my marriage: "This marriage could potentially survive but it requires that I turn into a complete a-hole."

 

Some women insist on turning men who are generally mild-mannered into a-holes. I think the previous poster, Woggle, hit the nail on the head by saying it takes 2 independently healthy people.

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serial muse

serial muse

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I agree with this. I was aggressive early on in our relationship. I always took charge as far as planning things and doing things even to the end and I know she liked that, but when it came to her drama, I was too passive and understanding. She would say that I'm sweet, but also that she was looking for a man that was sweet to her. Her only 2 failed relationships (one was a long term marriage) had lots of drama according to her. Maybe she has to have someone to keep her in check. We would talk about the issues and I'd try to help her with them, but she might have been the type that needed a more aggressive man when it came to dealing with those issues. I look back and tell myself that I shouldn't have put up with some of the crap going on, but I did as that was my way of showing her I cared. That's me. Guess it didn't work for her and in my future relationships I will not be so tolerant and understanding on certain issues. I won't change my core self, but I will learn from this and recognize when I need to be less passive in dealing with conflict.

 

I'm not trying to go after you but I would just encourage you to think about something that might actually be helpful: This thread is titled "do mature women still want jerks" but ... when you think about it, shouldn't you really be asking yourself why you wanted to date a jerk?

 

I mean...she's a jerk and is clearly a drama-magnet and you wanted that. Well, why? Was it because you thought you could "save" her? Was it because she injected excitement into your life? All the questions you're asking about her could just as well be turned inward. So the pertinent question to your life is really why you were drawn to her, and how to adjust and re-evaluate so that you find yourself drawn to people who aren't jerks. Let the jerks date each other.

Edited by serial muse
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