Afraid of love one's death

[xxmusical]

Not sure if this is the correct forum, but since the topic involves relationships...

 

2014 started out as a tough year for my family and me. We lost two love ones in the first three months. It was a depressing start to a new year. Ever since, I have been afraid that the people I love will die. I know death is a natural, inevitable thing...but it doesn't help ease my dread.

 

I'm especially scared of losing my SO. We are at that stage where we are planning and looking forward to our future together, sharing a life together, starting a family together... and I would be at a total loss if I were to suddenly lose him, especially at such an important time of our lives. I'm not the most optimistic person. I can't help but wonder where he is if he went home late, whether he got home safely, whether he's driving carefully, whether he got into a car accident, etc. All these worst case scenarios would pop up into my mind.

 

I don't think there's really a way to stop these negative thoughts...

 

So I'd just like to ask, have any of you ever been so greatly affected by a love one's death? Are you afraid of death and the baggages it brings?

[MissBee]

I think a lot of people go through a fear of death and yours seems to understandably be coming from the three deaths you experienced early this year. I'm so sorry for your loss. My grandmother passed away last summer, and although she wasn't in the best of health, it was still unexpected, she was in a coma for a couple weeks and the entire thing was stressful.

 

Stuff like that of course makes you think of your own mortality and that of the people you love and care about. When two classmates of mine died, one from high school and one from college it really affected me as they were young people and it made me consider life and the lives of those I love.

 

Perhaps you could see a counselor to talk through your feelings with and help with your grief, anxieties and fears?

 

What I tell myself about such fears is that worrying about it doesn't make it happen or not happen so it's a waste of time to assume the worst and worry myself to death about it, so assume the best, example assume your SO is not in fact in a car crash or is about to die anytime soon. Being scared he is going to die just stops you from enjoying the life you have with each other now. Death is scary especially the fact that you don't know when it will happen. It is super scary and if I think too much about it I can work myself up into horrible anxiety. But I realize, enjoy people now. Don't sit around projecting into the future and worrying about what is not happening...when the time comes it will come and I'd rather deal with it at the moment it is happening than rob myself of happiness now by worrying about them dying when they're still alive.

Edited August 15, 2014 by MissBee

[cassie803]

I don't think I'm going to be much help, but I have those same fears. Nothing in particular caused them, I've always felt that in every relationship which is probably why not many of them have worked out. I think it often translates into the realm of needy/crazy, Despite my constant efforts to explain my fears. I am married to someone now that seems to understand that and does make an honest effort to keep me in the loop so to speak when he arrives somewhere or gives me an approximate timeframe of when he will be home. He knows it's not a control thing which I think helps. I've been with other people that thought it was controlling and/or overly attached. I think the only advice to give you is to just try to take it one day at a time. Try to vocalize in some way every day what he means to you, so if the worst should ever happen, you won't have the burden of not having told him what he means to you. I'm not as much scared of my own death, but I am pretty terrified of losing loved ones.

Like I said, I'm of pretty much no help here, but just know that there is at least one person that feels the same way you do.

[Shepp]

I lost a school friend to a car accident a couple of years ago - it definetly made me feel my own mortality more than I had before but ultimately made me see how important it is to live for the moment - there's no guarantee how many more you'll get.. They say don't they - one day your life flashes before your eyes make sure it's worth watching.

 

I am someone who likes to protect the people I love, and if you think on it too long then yeah it sucks that you can't protect everyone all the time, but I try. It to think on it too much - especially being a firefighter I see so much, I get called to emergencies daily, you have to find it in yourself to switch it off and leave it at the door in order to enjoy life with those around you..

[GorillaTheater]

You need to look at this from another angle:

 

Yes, people we love may die tomorrow. We may die tomorrow.

 

So we love them and treat them as though today is the last day we have together.

[salparadise]

Learn to be present in the moment.

 

The past is fixed and exists only as a memory. The future exists only in our imagination. This moment is real, however, and the only way can actually experience and enjoy our existence is by being present in the moment.

 

Being anxious after having several deaths in the family like you did is not unusual. Try and do the things you enjoy the most, find most meaningful. Exercise, eat well, listen to favorite music, or whatever lifts you up. Understand that dwelling in the past or being anxious the about the future effectively wastes the moments spent on it. Accept that we cannot control very much other than what we think and do in each moment. We can train and discipline our minds.

 

Man's Search for Meaning by Viktor Frankl is a famous book that everyone should read. It is about living and dying and making our time meaningful. It will take you deeper into these things, so best to read when you're feeling resilient and positive.