Both pregnant. Which way to turn.

[KASmythe]

I wasn't sure whether this should go in infidelity, cheating, separation or even divorce so I put it here. Hopefully it makes sense once you read. Please move if there's a better area.

 

I left my husband a little over 3 years ago. There was no-one else, the marriage just wasn’t working and after more than a year with counselors, couples retreats and anything else I could think of it just wasn’t going to improve. In fact besides a great sex life everything else was broken.

 

After I left I met another man almost immediately. No doubt it was a bit of a rebound thing but it happened nonetheless. My husband was beyond angry because to him it looked liked I left him for this man and was having an affair while we were married. I don’t really blame him for that, it would have looked bad from his eyes. He eventually moved on and although he is with a woman much younger they seem happy.

 

Now the problem is that I had been missing him sexually, I was still with the same man but he was a dud in the bedroom whereas my ex was a wizard. To that end I did something I shouldn’t have and pursued him and we have been secretly seeing each other for the last 8 months now. I know it was wrong and it was only going to be a once off but him and I are so compatible that we just kept coming back for more.

 

I started to see in him what it was that attracted me to him in the first place and I told him I wanted him back. He knocked me back saying that he would not leave his girlfriend but I was “welcome to join them”. I wasn’t having any of that and demanded he choose and he did choose me. Then as luck would have it I got pregnant to my ex. I told my boyfriend and we have now parted but my ex has dragged his feet and wasn’t telling his girlfriend and now she is pregnant too!

 

So if we can put all the cheating aside (I know it was wrong but I can’t go back and undo it) I would like some opinions on other things.

 

My ex has said he is going to leave her and wants to be with me and our baby. That plays hard on my conscious because that means I will be the cause of his girlfriend becoming a single mom. On the other hand if I push him away and tell him to stay with her I become the single mom and depending on whether or not we decide to tell her he may not be able to visit his baby often. He has also reoffered that I am “welcome to join them” but I’m sure she wouldn’t be willing and it’s just him saying it. Although he swears she has done before and would be willing. It’s a moot point anyway as I’m not about to enter into a polymorous relationship.

 

I find myself caring for his girlfriend and not wanting to ruin her relationship by taking her boyfriend away but I also don’t want to take his baby (from me) away from him which is what I fear will effectively happen if they stay together and our affair remains secret.

 

I’m sure there is no right answer here but I was hoping to get the best result for all concerned from this bad situation and as such am seeking opinions on which course of action people here would take. And please, if we can, please steer clear of making this whole thread about the cheating. I know I won’t be popular to a lot here and I accept that but surely there are a few that understand that sometimes things happen and the best result is not always coming clean but finding an outcome that puts things in the best place they can be.

 

Fingers crossed.

[ascendotum]

You should be the one to be left as the single mom. Its kind of ugly all round. His gf if she were to find out that he was seeing you on the side might in fact give you the outcome you want by telling him to piss off.

 

Your bf might be dragging his feet because he realizes the relationship with you did not work out before and there was no baby in the picture then to complicate things. You dumped him, and jumped straight into the arms of another man, which gave your ex the impression you were two timing him, just like you did with your recent bf. You don't exactly have a great track record in his eyes.

It does seem like from your perspective you are getting back to him (and a poor relationship) simply because of his bedroom skills. Not enough to sustain a LTR. There is a good chance there could be 2 single moms out this.

[Ninjainpajamas]

I think you guys already had your run and that relationship should just end, it's completely based off sex and that's not going to last when it counts, raising a child will not be about just having sex....and you guys won't get along, or work together well.

 

With his new GF, she's younger and probably not even aware of your presence, she will be pretty devastated therefore when she founds out. He should just be there for her and take care of business for now. Eventually she'll find out what kind of guy he is and hopefully leave him but probably not.

 

You should really just get yourself together and since you'll likely have an ongoing relationship and connection with your ex in some way and especially now with the child, just disconnect and do your own thing in your own separate place...you lived together before and tried all these things in the past, it didn't work, don't be stupid...learn from your lessons, you guys beat that horse already. It's not going to change because of a child, you're not going to have this wonderful family, it's not going to be a fantasy.

 

Get yourself together if you can, you're just mentally not anywhere near the where you should be. You really need a lot of self-work and to snap out of this, you have a lot of unresolved issues and if you keep trying to take the easy and emotional way out you're not going to do anything good for yourself, you're just asking for more and more drama...try with all your might, to actually act and think like a responsible adult from now on.

 

Stop being stupid and going back and forth with this guy, he's just eating it up because he's got two eats and taking big bites out of both of them, but nothing has really changed, you're all just caught up in the BS. Eventually the BS is going to clear and you're going to find yourself back in the same endless cycle.

[Tbisb74]

It plays hard on you 'CONSCIENCE', not 'conscious'. And that in itself is patently untrue. I hate to sound the big judgemental, but I am wondering just what kind of a mom you are going to be to a child who was conceived to a woman who seems to not be able to put the brake on her morals. Or lack of them. You keep telling us yes, you know, you messed up, you shouldn't have done it, it was wrong,..... then why the hell didn't you stop it when you could have done? Answer? You didn't want to. You permitted a garbled, knotted sense of entitlement to carry on and now look. A huge big mess-up, and you've essentially participated in screwing so many lives up. In your shoes, I would call a halt to this so-called relationship, be a single mom, and suck it up. You've sown the seeds, now reap the wind. Be responsible. Do the right thing and end it. And by the way: His GF deserves to know what a cheating ace-hole he is, so that she has the right and fair option of being able to evaluate and decide what to do. And sue him for paternal support, too. Do things right for your child, and start things properly. At least do that.

[veggirl]

You were having unprotected sex with 2 people? And so was he?

[Million.to.1]

The poor kids in this situation....

[KASmythe]

why the hell didn't you stop it when you could have done? Answer? You didn't want to.

 

You're right, I didn't want to, I wanted him back.

 

I'm not defending that I did that, he had a girlfriend so he should have been out of bounds but I was just thinking of myself. I'm trying to change that attitude.

 

His GF deserves to know what a cheating ace-hole he is

 

I can't see the point of ruining another life. A case of what you don't know can't hurt you type thing. It's best for her to continue on with her life with my ex. The trouble is that it will be hard for him to our baby. He will have no excuse to be visiting me.

[notserene]

You were having unprotected sex with 2 people? And so was he?

 

That was the first thought that I had.

 

I know condoms and BC can fail, but...I managed never to get pregnant in all my years of being sexually active except for the one time when I wanted to be pregnant. I was pregnant with twins within a week, so it's not like I had fertility issues.

 

Having said that, it blows my mind that you and your ex could be so irresponsible and make others the victims of your irresponsibility and lack of restraint.

[Tbisb74]

I can't see the point of ruining another life.

Er... don't you think that's already happened??

 

A case of what you don't know can't hurt you type thing.

THis is what is commonly known as Bovine Scatology, or BS for short. Seriously: Put yourself in the position of a woman still married to him, and pregnant with his child. Wouldn't you want to know now, what the hell you husband has been up to behind your back? I'm sorry, that's a crass and selfish comment. It smacks of "I don't want to be dragged in as a guilty party any more than I am now." What YOU actually want, is to not be found out to be the 'other woman'....Like I said, you really do need to screw your head on properly and do the right thing.

 

It's best for her to continue on with her life with my ex.

Who says?? What gives YOU the right to make that decision FOR her? You are in no position whatsoever to judge and decide on that. You really have some cheek, you know that? You mess around with a man whom you frankly shouldn't touch with a barge-pole, you keep having sex with him even though you know it's wrong, you become pregnant by him - and you STILL think you're entitled to decide how she plays in this??

 

The trouble is that it will be hard for him to our baby. He will have no excuse to be visiting me.

Well if you were to bite the bullet and stop thinking about yourself for an instant, and do what's right, that problem would be self-resolving, wouldn't it? Everything would be out in the open, and the Law at least would provide for the children. Then he could go where the hell he likes, with no further subterfuge. Honestly, you've got more front than Harrods.....

[KASmythe]

Er... don't you think that's already happened??

 

As far as she knows no it hasn't. She can go on to live a wonderful life with my ex if him and I can just figure out a way to keep him in our baby's life.

 

At the end of the day everybody wins, sure some more than others as I have to give up on being with him but she as far as she knows she has the devoted loving boyfriend and a baby on the way.

[central]

There is no good solution, but if you can all handle it, then move in together and form a poly relationship.

[No Limit]

At the end of the day everybody wins, sure some more than others as I have to give up on being with him but she as far as she knows she has the devoted loving boyfriend and a baby on the way.

 

That pretty image will fade. Her BF will probably sooner or later cheat again and everything will go upside down anyway.

And what answer do you have when your child asks "Who's my dad?"

 

Well done.

Edited August 2, 2014 by No Limit

[Tbisb74]

As far as she knows no it hasn't. She can go on to live a wonderful life with my ex if him and I can just figure out a way to keep him in our baby's life.

You still want the best of both worlds, don't you...? You would much rather lie, and keep the potential for sex and cheating on the cards, than do the right thing. This is going to unravel and get ugly....Or at least, I really hope it is.

 

At the end of the day everybody wins, sure some more than others as I have to give up on being with him but she as far as she knows she has the devoted loving boyfriend and a baby on the way.

There is no winning, 'some more than others'... And the main losers here will be these poor young illegitimate children. Good on you, I say. What's more, isn't it a wonderful way to begin parenthood - with some no-good, cake-eating, cheating jerk. Lovely; let's build our life on a lie, shall we...? You have no conscience, no remorse and a warped sense of entitlement, and frankly, it's a real shame you can't see that. (Or rather, you can, but you're choosing to give a damn about it.)

[pink_sugar]

Lies like this always get discovered. Best to be up front about it with the OW and take responsibility for yourself and what happened. Then let the OW decide what she wants to do. Better she find out he's a cheater now than years down the road and a few kids later. If my husband cheated, I'd want to know...as heartbroken as I would be so I can decide whether or not to leave. No matter what she decides, you should end it with your ex. Sex isn't enough when you're having issues with everything else together. You tried working it out and you just weren't compatible in any other ways. There are plenty of men out there with whom you can have amazing sex and a happy overall relationship.

[mrs rubble]

Have you considered terminating the pregnancy? It doesn't sound to me like anyone is sensible enough to be any good as a parent!

[newmoon]

you're essentially "the other woman" to his new gf and that imo is his "new" family. you were already without him for some period of time and know you can move on and be ok without him and that is what you should do. but there is no way this isn't going to come out and likely ruin that relationship too. but as long as you have already ended it with him they at least stand a chance. you gotta be the single mom here, and she might end up one too. he doesn't sound like the kind of man you want as a father to your kids anyway, so think about that when you think about wanting him back

[KASmythe]

That pretty image will fade. Her BF will probably sooner or later cheat again and everything will go upside down anyway.

And what answer do you have when your child asks "Who's my dad?"

 

That's a difficult question. Obviously I should tell the truth but that would lead to the next question of where's my daddy? So that makes the answer to the first question a lot harder. At least I have many years to think about it.

 

Have you considered terminating the pregnancy

 

That is an option. It would mean they could stay together. I'd prefer not to though.

 

Pretty much everyone has said I should come clean and let the chips fall where they may. I know that is ultimately the right thing to do. I am a good person and I do want the right outcome but telling a young pregnant woman that her baby's daddy has his ex-wife pregnant at the same time is not going to play well with her emotions. That will lead to a stressful time for the baby and I think that needs to be avoided.

 

For what it's worth I am listening and I am starting to lean towards telling but I am still very unsure it's the right way to go.

[pink_sugar]

She has a right to know her bf isn't faithful. She can end it now and move on while she still can before things get complicated. She may decide she wants to terminate her own pregnancy and be out of this mess.

Edited August 3, 2014 by pink_sugar

[changchewsoon]

But this seems to be quite a complicated situation you got yourself into, and perhaps I may suggest this?

 

Since you are torn in between coming clean, being a single mum or terminating the pregnancy, think of it this way:

 

If you choose to come clean, you still will up either being a single mum or terminating the pregnancy anyway.

 

Coming clean means a lot of drama coming your way too, but there is a chance you might end up having him and the baby. However, you need to think about moving forward it doesn't mean the drama stops here. All parties will need to work out a way moving forward, which at this moment nobody knows how would that pan out.

 

However, do bear in mind that if you decide to terminate the pregnancy, it is wise to do it as early as possible to reduce the risk.

 

And you can't drag this on for too long, so no matter how you look at it, it seems like coming clean right now is your best option moving forward.

Edited August 3, 2014 by changchewsoon

[No Limit]

I am a good person and I do want the right outcome but telling a young pregnant woman that her baby's daddy has his ex-wife pregnant at the same time is not going to play well with her emotions. That will lead to a stressful time for the baby and I think that needs to be avoided.

 

No need to repeat that you're being sorry and such a good person. This isn't meant offensively but ultimately everyone will have their own opinions.

 

Have you ever thought that maybe the GF doesn't want a pregnancy with a serial cheater? And that the emotions will take far more direct effect on the baby once it's entered the world? I don't understand your need to hesitate after you've played it this long honestly.

[newmoon]

did i miss something... why is the OP considering telling the GF? shouldn't that be the responsibility of the man? i wouldn't want the OP telling me, it's best to hear it from your partner, that isn't her place.

[stillafool]

As far as she knows no it hasn't. She can go on to live a wonderful life with my ex if him and I can just figure out a way to keep him in our baby's life.

 

At the end of the day everybody wins, sure some more than others as I have to give up on being with him but she as far as she knows she has the devoted loving boyfriend and a baby on the way.

 

There is a way to keep your baby in his life. Start by making him tell her the truth that he also impregnated you, wait for the fallout, and then set up child support and visitation. This child should not be kept a secret from anyone and should also have the opportunity to know their sibling. The baby cannot be kept a secret so you can have your ex over to see the baby and you.

[pink_sugar]

did i miss something... why is the OP considering telling the GF? shouldn't that be the responsibility of the man? i wouldn't want the OP telling me, it's best to hear it from your partner, that isn't her place.

 

Yes, it is his responsibility. Will he actually own up to it? Who knows. I still think it's the right thing to do to let his gf know considering the circumstances. They aren't married and she might want to walk away while she still can.

[beach]

Get honest with his Gf.

 

And get tested for diseases. She could have been also having sex with others too.

[No Limit]

did i miss something... why is the OP considering telling the GF? shouldn't that be the responsibility of the man? i wouldn't want the OP telling me, it's best to hear it from your partner, that isn't her place.

 

He'll never do it. Not enough manhood there.