Parents Divorcing soon..

[TheElf]

Hello.

 

My parents will divorce around the end of this year,but I am feeling so sad for my father I could cry.

 

My father is a drunkard who screwed my mothers and brothers life. He got us in debts ,gambled all money,he doesn't have friends anymor,he's drinking 3-5 wines every day. My brother had a bright future in IT,he was very talented ,my father couldn't pay for his university,my bro worked,father did more debts,my mother had cancer worrying so much for my father.

 

And now,after 23 years (my mom) has decided to divorce. She can't take it anymore. My father is jealous of every man my mom is around with,even if my mom is trying to survive a day to another .

 

Now my sister ,brother and mom barely talk to him. I pity him,he was in the army,he knew to do so man,he's amazing,wherever he puts his hand on ,it works,he's one of thowe people gifted on everything. The alcohol ruined him,he toyed with our future,my family can't forgive him,we begged him to stop drinking,he refuses to go to psycholog.

 

Now,:whenever I walk to the kitchen ,when I see him sleeping in the corner of the bed,cuddled,makes me wanna cry. I pity him,he could be such a great man,i am gonna cry again. My parents arguing everyday,is something I can't stand,but..seeing him like this..after we're gone he will be all alone. My granny died last year,but he was always like this . I don't know what to do,he will be all alone,no friends which left cause he drank too much,nothing. He'll be simply nothing.

 

Please..i know I shouldn't cry after all this suffering,but my heart suffers,it's my father afterall..i cried for the same reason for my friends who had similar things. And yes.i am a guy,soon 18. I know I should be strong,but I am the cry baby type. I can't help it .

[d0nnivain]

Your father made adult choices. He made the wrong ones but they were still his choices. For may substance abusers they have to hot rock bottom before they can get batter. Loosing your mother & his family may be part of your dad's trip to the bottom.

 

You mentioned his military service. That can change a person especially after combat. Perhaps when he's sober you can give him info about where he can get help from Veteran's organizations. They have all sorts of programs for alcoholics who got that way from PTSD

 

When your parents do split, don't take sides. Stay in contact with your dad but don't let him drag you down.

 

If you need to talk to somebody about all of this get therapy.

[TheElf]

I understand about all this, but I still feel sad,he will lose everything even after we warned him. He threatened my mother last week that if she did something inapprotiate,she should be worried for her life. But stil,i pity him. I can't help it,but do it.

[Quiet Storm]

I'm sorry this is happening to your family.

 

Your father just wants to be numb. It's hard for us to understand. We think, why do this to yourself? You have so much potential. You are so smart when you are sober. You can be such a great guy. I've been there. My dad is a recovering addict & alcoholic. My sister is one also. It's such a waste of a life.

 

For most alcoholics & addicts, there is deep, unresolved emotional pain. Often it's from childhood, sometimes from dealing with alcoholic parents themselves. They grow up, get jobs, have families. But that pain can only be pushed down & ignored for so long.

 

Since they don't have the coping skills to deal with life in a healthy way, they look for ways to numb that pain. Alcohol is their solution. It numbs them, it helps them forget, it helps them to escape that emotional pain.

 

When it starts affecting their family & their livelihood, you would think they'd say "OK, I am hurting my loved ones, I need to change". But they don't. Those problems just become another thing they want to escape from. If they stopped, they'd have to face the destruction. That's just too much for them to handle. They are too emotionally weak. They want to avoid any uncomfortable feelings, and booze brings them comfort. It a vicious cycle- they drink, they hurt their loved ones, they feel guilty, they drink more to escape the guilt.

 

The reason I tell you this is because I want you to really understand that his drinking is not about you, or your mom, or your brother. Its all about him & his issues, which probably go back before he even met your mother. Understanding this won't make him better, but it can help you to detach. It can help you to realize- there is nothing I can do for him. If I stay, he will drink, if I leave he will drink, if my parents are married he will drink, if my parents divorce he will drink. This problem is totally out of you & your family's control.

 

I know it is hard to just give up on him. But you need to detach. You can't allow his state to influence your life & choices. You have to accept- my father may die from this, and there is nothing I can do. It's very hard, I know. He may be at the point where he doesn't care if he lives or dies, as long as he can be numb.

 

I would get angry at my father "You are drunk & numb & oblivious while the rest of us are in AGONY!" I thought it was so unfair that his alcoholism was hurting us all- and we couldn't escape that pain. We had to live it. We had to see him like that. We felt the impact of all his bad choices, just like your dad did to your family. And although he caused us so much hurt & tears, he was oblivious in his drunken cocoon, not a care in the world.

 

So don't feel sorry for your father. Give that empathy to yourself. Focus on you. Take care of you. Fill your life with positive people and activities. Show your love to the people in your life who welcome it and appreciate it. Do your best to detach from your father & let go of the outcome.

 

My dad did finally quit drinking & hard drugs. There was no epiphany. There was no divorce that made him change. One day, he just got tired of feeling like that and being drunk all the time. He got tired of losing days, months & years. He got help. Now he smokes weed, but it's nothing like he was before. He is present, he is loving, he is funny, awake & aware. There is still hope for your dad, but he will have to be the one to change his life.

[TheElf]

I doubt there will be anything to change him. He promised so many times be will quit,i can't even count . I didn't mention the faxt we became homeless for a week when a relative took us in untill we found an rent. It happened on my birthday of 17 years,we were thrown out of our own house,he went and drank,i almost lost hope. I am atheist,so I just went somewhere to cool my head off for solutions to work things out. My father says he loves us,i know he does,but he's destroying our lives. He also sends money in secret to another woman leaving us in even more debts. I am ashamed I can't go to my friends and say " ihave such a cool dad" when everyone knows he's a drunkard. Why are we always unlucky? He's always complaining he has no money,he never gave me any allowance either until last year. Am I asking too much for a dad that doesn't drink and takes care of his family? I could care less if he drinks or not,but don't screw our lives. Thanks alot for the answers

[amaysngrace]

I'm sorry that your family is splitting up but it's probably for the best.

 

I know it's hard to see that while it's happening but everything happens for a reason. Maybe your dad needs to be alone with his alcohol right now so that he realizes it's ruining his life.

 

If you all mattered so much he wouldn't have made you all second to the drink the way that he has. I don't blame your mom for tiring of someone who makes her feel less important than a substance.

 

But how can he possibly treat anybody with care if he doesn't even care enough about himself to be sober? It's impossible.

 

It's really really selfish of your dad to make you have to worry about him by the way. You're 17. He is the one who is suppose to be worrying about your future right now...not the other way around.

[TheElf]

Well,i guess I care about peopld too much,but his behavior is influencing me. I will try to get therapy in the future,i don't want to end up like him. Recently my best friend left me as well,so all I can so is worry about the important people around me,but yeah..douvt my father will take the divorce that easily rhi. He said himself they should divorce,but he also threatened my mom,but even so,i am not kind at all if he hurts my mom orfamily psihically,honestly,i would break his arms if he dared to touch anyone of my family. My mother is scared of him,since last year a family one street away from our house killed his wife and then himself out of jealousy,and after he threatened her..nothing good can come out of it. I will try to detach myself from him and bring in my life only positive things,hell,i threw away all the negative people from my life already,he's the only one left.

[Quiet Storm]

I doubt there will be anything to change him. He promised so many times be will quit,i can't even count . I drds't mention the faxt we became homeless for a week when a relative took us in untill we found an rent. It happened on my birthday of 17 years,we were thrown out of our own house,he went and drank,i almost lost hope. I am atheist,so I just went somewhere to cool my head off for solutions to work things out. My father says he loves us,i know he does,but he's destroying our lives. He also sends money in secret to another woman leaving us in even more debts. I am ashamed I can't go to my friends and say " ihave such a cool dad" when everyone knows he's a drunkard. Why are we always unlucky? He's always complaining he has no money,he never gave me any allowance either until last year. Am I asking too much for a dad that doesn't drink and takes care of his family? I could care less if he drinks or not,but don't screw our lives. Thanks alot for the answers

 

 

No you are not asking too much. You deserve a sober, caring, considerate and responsible dad. But life isn't fair. These are the cards we are dealt. It sucks.

 

I'm an atheist, too. When I was your age, I wished I believed in God. I wanted to always have a friend. To be able to pray and have faith that someone is listening. I get it. You are on your own, kid. But you know what? You will be OK.

 

Your dad doesn't have to destroy your life. That's giving him too much power, don't you think? You are in charge of your destiny. This is only one chapter in the book of your life.

 

I ended up finding a great guy with a normal and stable family, who showed me what family is supposed to be. That environment will bring you down if you let it.

Edited August 2, 2014 by Quiet Storm

[mrs rubble]

Hang in there Elf. I've got a nearly 16yo son with a dad who is exactly the same. His dad and I split up a few years ago now and it was awful in the beginning with threats and stuff. It does get better though after time.

My son's dad is still drinking heavily and my son says he never wants to turn out like his father like you do. Use this to motivate you to become a better you.

Your mum has obviously found the strength to leave and it will probably continue to be difficult for her for some time yet, so be aware she may need some support or understanding too.

My son and I went to see his dad yesterday, his flatmate said he was down the road at the train station. Sure enough we spotted him on our way back, drinking with the homeless people and it appeared he was have some sort of arguement with a Rail security officer. My son didn't want to stop and talk to him. It was obvious there was no point, he was already drunk. He (my son) said pretty much what you have about how sad it was, and how much of a disappointment and waste of life he is.

It is very, very sad. I wish you well.

[TheElf]

Thanks alot for all kind answers it makes me feel better hearing i am not alone,even tho i don't wish this to anyone else. Thank you very much.

[TheElf]

Ir seems there will be no divorcec anymore. My father had an heart attack and doctora said it's over for him. We are left in debts and others. Just great. Our life just got worse.

[d0nnivain]

Oh honey. They work miracles with heart attacks these days My dad survived 4 of them.

 

This may be his rock bottom. His health / his body are rebelling on him from the drinking. It may be the wake up call he needs to get his act together.

 

Debt can be overcome through bankruptcy.

 

If your mom isn't going through with the divorce because of the heart attack that shows she still at least has compassion & she may be hoping the man she fell in love with before he got all messed up with booze comes back

 

Say some prayers. Have some hope & hang in there.