Sexually frustrated

[RastelloStercus]

I'm a 55 y o man in a 14 year marriage with an older woman, and she has had some very serious medical issues in the past few years.

We are very good friends, have a great time together, but she has become more sexually remote, and also in my eyes, less appealing - she has gained weight and probably due to the stress of her illnesses has not aged well.

My nearly 18 y o step daughter is stunningly gorgeous with an exquisite "surfer girl" body, and, again in my eyes, seems to be deliberately sexually provocative towards me.

I'm sure it's all in my head but unfortunately that's where everything is going on!

Six months ago I'd just decided to leave, run away, from both of them, but just as I was about to commit to the plan my wife fell, breaking several bones - ridiculously the hospital visits, the after care, and general physical stress, put the sexual tensions out of my mind, and I was actually sleeping nights without tormented fantasies.

But now it's all back with a vengeance.

I avoid my daughter as much as possible, but general household social situations make it increasingly difficult - there are only so many times I can walk the dog, go for a run or bike ride. I'm not a social person so I can't use that. Bizarrely I'm always encouraging her to go out with her friends.

To make matters worse she's a swimmer - we have a 25 meter lap pool, she swims day and night, in a neoprene one piece that makes her looked naked.

I'm constantly catching myself staring lasciviously.

Anytime I'm in her presence, despite mental exercises and self inflicted harm, I always have the most ridiculously huge and hard erections - needless to say masturbating has little or no effect on their quick return. At the end of the day my balls and groin ache uncomfortably, I sleep badly - even at work I can't stop thinking about her.

 

I think she's very much aware of the effect she's having on me.

 

Do I tell my wife and get her to intercede? How do I approach this?

 

Do I talk my daughter? What can I say that doesn't sound perverted?

 

Ras.

[CarrieT]

I think she's very much aware of the effect she's having on me.

 

Do I talk my daughter? What can I say that doesn't sound perverted?

NO, NO, NO.

 

That is a can-of-worms you cannot open and *not* sound perverted.

 

You could talk to your wife and it would immediately diffuse the situation by getting it out in the open.

 

Is there a reason your stepdaughter is not moving out on her own, either to college or with a roommate?

[RastelloStercus]

You could talk to your wife

 

Appreciate the reply, but how does that conversation start???!!!!

[hasaquestion]

NO, NO, NO.

 

That is a can-of-worms you cannot open and *not* sound perverted.

 

Wait, so "Listen honey, I'm not trying to creepy perverted or anything, but I totally want to bang you" wouldn't be an ok thing to say?

[Quiet Storm]

Why do you think the daughter knows and is deliberately teasing you?

 

Youve been in her life since she was four years old. You call her your daughter. She probably sees you as a father figure and would be very disturbed by your thoughts.

 

You need counseling or therapy. You need help training your brain not to go there. If you had came into this girls life recently, I could understand your attraction. But you married her mother when she was 4. There should be boundaries that formed over the years. Men can acknowledge their daughters beauty without getting hard. She should be off limits in your mind like your mother, your sister, grandma, etc. The fact that your mind even entertains these thoughts is alarming.

 

I think you should tell your wife, but do not be surprised if she finds this sickening. She chose you as the man to help raise her, and it will be very difficult for her to accept that you feel this way.

 

And please dont blame this on her weight gain, her health or her aging. Many guys have the same issue regarding losing attraction for their wives. They might watch porn or fantasize about a neighbor or coworker, but not their daughter! This has nothing to do with your daughter or your wife. Its about you and your poor boundaries.

Edited August 1, 2014 by Quiet Storm

[PerfectStorm]

Not trying to be offensive or judgemental but it will probably come out that way. This grosses me out, my adoptive father came into me and my mother's life when I was 3-4 years old. Seeing as how you have raised her, I can't imagine that she is actually trying to seduce you. You're a father figure who is 37 years older than her. You sound obessesed with her.

 

And you said that she is not even 18 yet? I don't think your thoughts or reaction to this girl are remotely natural and you need to remove yourself from the situation and get some serious counseling. If you let your wife in on your thought process you're likely to lose her anyway.

Edited August 1, 2014 by PerfectStorm

[ascendotum]

Oh boy what an awkward situation. Since she is your step daughter and not biological daughter and can see how she gets viewed in your mind as stunning surfer girl and not my beautiful daughter. Still its wrong to get worked up over this, like it was so wrong with Woody Allen.

 

As for conversations with your step daughter or wife. Shyte I don't know a way you could discuss this without it becoming really weird & perverted. I don't think you should. It's just going to do irreparable damage to your relationship with both of them I reckon. I think you would be better off leaving than having them know this, though that would devastate your sick wife. I think its a bit rough to push your step daughter out of home at 18 if she is not ready yet and maybe wants to go on to study & save money living at home. It would help your scenario though. If you are well off you could set her up in her own place.

 

There is counseling, that's worth a shot though I am not sure what they would say that would stop your thoughts when you see your daughter walking around in swimsuit. I think those times your daughter is swimming or walking around in skimpy gear you need to go and distract yourself on another activity. Go out some where, go online read the paper, work on something in the garage, or find a new hobby to devote your attention to. Since you are not having sex with your wife maybe you could take an SSRI that is more notorious for dampening libido.

 

I'd be surprised if your daughter is specifically trying to turn you on, but she reveling in her blossoming beauty by showing off her body and maybe also be getting a bit of a kick over the power of attention she can command over men (from 18 to 80) now.

[RastelloStercus]

I wasn't going to bother replying, but this is my TOLD YOU SO moment...

 

Saturday my daughter was supposed to go camping but it got cancelled due to weather (actually she should have gone, it was fine up in the mountains).

Anyway i spent Saturday morning cleaning out the gutters, in the rain, and washing the car, in the rain, because she was home.

In pm i was in the garage tidying up stuff that didn't need tidying when I get a shout from the house - I run in to find my wife struggling to breath. This happens occasionally and is usually resolved by talking her through a relaxation technique. But it wasn't helping. Within 15 minutes she was in an ambulance on her way to hospital, again not unusual for us, but this time they wanted her to stay overnight, she has mild pyelonephritis, again not unusual for her but this shouldn't have given the reaction it did, so they wanted more tests, they know her well there, just so much easier to do in-patient analysis. I stayed too.

Sunday I went home for a shower. No car in the driveway, no response when I called up the stairs. My daughter has the master suite with ensuite, so I walk the hall to the bathroom - you all think this is my fantasy, but this is where she usually hi-jacks me, coming or going, I have to pass by her room. (My wife has her own room downstairs).

Anyway I shower without event.

Back in my room the door handle starts to turn - I lock it every time. A soft knock knock.

I put on a robe, i figure she's here asking about her mother and unlock the door, and she is standing there naked.

I slammed the door and locked it, i hear her say "We need to talk, I can stay out here all day. We want the same thing. Please talk to me."

I change quickly, and leave my house through my WINDOW!

I spent last night in the hospital, and went straight to work from there.

She's left a dozen or so phone messages, and there were texts throughout the night - but I haven't listened or looked.

My wife will be home Tuesday if all goes well.

I'm going back to my home tonight.

 

Thanks, but I'm not looking for anyone's advice.

[hasaquestion]

so are you going to bang her?