tuxedo cat Posted July 31, 2014 Share Posted July 31, 2014 This is a question I've been asking myself for years and I feel no closer to the answer than I did as a teenager. I'm a woman who finds it easy to make male friends and get dates, but struggles to befriend women. Even though I'd rather not, I can get by without female friends, but it scares me that my discomfort around women also damages my professional life. It's gotten to the point where I feel incredibly relieved when I find out I'm being interviewed by a guy or will be working in a male office. Most women just do not like me, they consider me a weird outsider, and often when I work for them I end up getting fired because I don't fit in. I'm sure it's that I probably ooze anxiety, having missed out on the formative social years from 13 to 18. It also doesn't help that I grew up in a mostly male household. Still, I don't feel that my awkwardness explains the depth of their annoyance and hostility toward me. I mean I'm nice and reliable, I do take a genuine interest in people, and I ask questions. I'm not flirtatious. I don't steal boyfriends. I don't get caught up in company gossip. With guys it's entirely different. Not all guys like me but a lot of them seem to find me cute and sweet. They actually find my awkwardness endearing. I have made female friends here and there but it's usually with more openminded girls who are oddballs themselves. Unfortunately, these isolated friends are not enough, because it seems like I need to win over the pack to do well in a creative career. One difference I notice between how men and women relate is that with men if I do something nice for them they usually appreciate it. With a lot of women it seems to be the complete opposite--I do something nice or try to be helpful and they actually like me less. I feel like they think I'm being manipulative, when most of the time I'm just helpful because it's something I enjoy and it's how I liked to be treated by others. For example, the other day I was training at this job and I asked the girl who was training me what she does for a living. She said she's a freelance illustrator but she has trouble making ends meet. She complained that getting work in her field is all about who you know. I could relate to her struggle and I thought that I might be able to help. I told her that I have a friend who is starting up a fashion publication and needs illustrators and she could send me a link to her work that I would pass along to him. She thanked me but something was off in her tone. I felt that she was mildly put off or annoyed. Anyway, I'm really looking for some practical tips here. Are there concrete things I can work on to improve my relationships with other women? I don't know how to tame my social anxiety but maybe I can build in behaviors that will take a little of the edge off. Link to post Share on other sites
todreaminblue Posted July 31, 2014 Share Posted July 31, 2014 I find it hard to trust women......who arent in my family or who i have known for years....i have serious issues with this.,.and unfortunately , i cant change this it just takes me time to know them ....and what i do is open myself up to be vulnerable with them because i want to know them or i want to trust them so i share some of my history....i did this at church......and i regret it......i always regret it but it needs to be done.......i am a multiple personality and most people dotn know it they just think i am forgetful.....i am not forgetful at all i have masses of information and memories......its just not all in the same place.....at the one time i have foudn that most women dont like it when i succeed at anything or excel so i try not to excel....in fact i have failed on purpose.......i am sick of that......they dont like it when guys mention my name(male friends have told me this) i can do anything i set my mind too if i am failing theres a reason why i am ......and its to be less of a threat...so i dont have more than or i have often less than everyone else........when i succeed at anything i seem to cop flak.....if i am noted which i have been noted by teachers and bosses and officers i have the hardest time...and it is by women who dole it i have figured out that i am not doing myself any favors by trying to be every body's friend......or trying to fit in i just need to be me and i need to succeed to be truly happy.....if people accept me ....including women those women will be my friends regardless of failure or success i cant make them like me by sharing painful history or seeing me for who i am ...if they dont get it or me, they never will and dont deserve my friendship...i am more open with males than females due to my past i dont like catty bitchy behaviors...i have the issues not the women i meet and i realize that entirely....i seek the company of men because i relate to them better other than my close female friends and family who actually push and want me to succeed in all i do...........deb Link to post Share on other sites
Author tuxedo cat Posted July 31, 2014 Author Share Posted July 31, 2014 For clarity, in your example: "For example, the other day I was training at this job and I asked the girl who was training me what she does for a living. She said she's a freelance illustrator but she has trouble making ends meet." Your trainer works with you at the same company? The way you phrased things in that sentence, caught my eye. Anyways... You seem to be expressing a desire to expand your social interactions with women. Everyone likes, dislikes or simply isn't even aware of the next person for so many different reasons. When you engage women, are you doing it in a sincere way? Ask one of them out for lunch and entertain simple chit chat. Show them your a real person just like them. Nurture a friendship, who knows, it could be really fun! She was training me at a cafe job but we would be on the same level once I started. I found out the next day that they had fired me and replaced me with another candidate. I'm pretty sure that girl was responsible for me getting canned. The manager wasn't there while I was training and the other barista seemed to like me. This is tricky with women who already seem to dislike me. I do invite women out when I feel a connection with them but on the occasions I've forced a hangout in order to win them over they always make up some excuse not to go. Link to post Share on other sites
HermioneG Posted August 1, 2014 Share Posted August 1, 2014 Over the Internet , we cannot interact with you in a way that lets us know what the problem is, but if this keeps happening in multiple situations, no matter what women you are meeting, it seems pretty clear it's you. So perhaps therapy- with a female therapist, would be a good place to start. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
compulsivedancer Posted August 1, 2014 Share Posted August 1, 2014 You have to master female small talk. If you don't, they see you as rude, self-important or snobby. It's those little things - complimenting each other on clothing and hair, talking about boys, commiserating about shows you both like, etc. Kids with a capital K, if they have them. I have historically had a hard time making female friends. I do okay one on one, but in groups it's hard. The girl talk doesn't always come easy, and it's hard to find the right tone. With other girls, you always have a certain level of competition, so it's finding that level where you are listening and participating, but aren't one-upping them or letting them step on you. It takes practice. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Eternal Sunshine Posted August 2, 2014 Share Posted August 2, 2014 I bond with women by listening and giving advice to their relationship problems. I am really interested in that kind of stuff (hence LS) so it comes naturally. I have found that if they feel comfortable with confiding in you, they will at least somewhat accept you. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Absinthe Posted August 3, 2014 Share Posted August 3, 2014 I have a lot of female friends, but I find that it can be hit-and-miss befriending women and really depends on the group. Usually there is a ringleader commanding the tone of the group. I don't have time for such BS so I tend to make friends with women individually or as part of a group of both men and women. For this reason I'm wary of people who just hang out in a large group of their own gender - this goes for men too - as they seem to be quite cliquey. My mum once worked in a place where the women welcomed her with open arms and she had a great social life. Then she moved to a new job and the women were awful and shunned her. You say you are anxious and it may be that as a result of this you are reading too much into what women say to you. More often than not you probably haven't caused any offence. I second the advice to make small talk about boys, kids, etc. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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