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In long term relationship and infatuated with my married boss for 3+ years


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I've been in lust-at-first sight with my boss since the moment I opened our office doors. I was instantly insanely attracted to him. The more I got to know him, the harder I fell. I knew he was married and that it was wrong for me to feel so strongly, but I let myself become more and more enamoured with him. I had broken up with my long term boyfriend a few months back and was just excited to be having these feelings for someone new. For the first time since we had split, I was forgetting about my ex and looking forward to the future.

Fast forward several months and I was almost dizzy with infatuation for this man. I couldn't even think clearly around him. In my 24 year old stupidity, I decided that I couldn't take it any longer - I just simply had to let him know how I felt, wife or not - wrong, yes, but its the decision I made at the time.I didnt have the courage to tell him face to face, so I took the the internet and used it to do my bidding. To make an extremely long 2 week story short, his wife found out everything (perhaps he told her? I will never know), and he never addressed what I had confessed to him. He was a bit shy around me for a few days max, but then it was as if none of it ever happened.

I was emotionally devastated, embarrassed, ashamed of myself, and more. I started talking to my ex again, most likely for emotional comfort, and we got back together. I am still with him today and needless to say, my feelings for my boss have not gone away, they are stronger than ever. I won't ever approach him or dump my immature feelings on him ever again, but I cant make them stop. I dont know what to do. Im constantly fantasizing about my boss. Ive tried so many things and read articles on advice endlessly on this subject. Short of quitting my job which I refuse to do, how the he'll do I get over this? Its causing me so much pain and shame inside. Im lying to everyone in my life and keeping secrets. A couple years aho, which was a year after the "original incident" my boss asked me if I still had feelings.fot him and I lied and said no. I dont want to live in secrecy and depression any longer. Someone, anyone, please help me. I have tried to invest all my energy into my current relationship, being intimate, sharing good times, etc. While this has strengthened my relationship with my boyfriend in some ways, now I feel.worse than ever! My feelings for my boss seem to be independent of my relationship status with my boyfriend. How does one get off this crazy train??????

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I have a great job with great pay and flexible hours that work with my Delayed Sleep Phase Syndrome. Quitting my job would be foolish. I would just be even more miserable.

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First of all, get your boyfriend off your "crazy train". He is not your emotional crutch. You have to figure out by yourself on how to get over your boss.

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Do you mean I should end my relationship with my boyfriend? And I have been trying for years now to figure this out by myself and failing spectacularly. Im so frustrated I even have been considering therapy since Im clearly not emotionally stable. My whole life feels like a sham at the moment.

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littleblackheart

Does your boyfriend know, out of interest? Because if he does, he's really very understanding. If not, he doesn't deserve to be treated that way, in my opinion.

 

 

Your issues seem to go a lot deeper than just a crush on a guy you can't have (sorry if it sounds a bit flippant, I don't mean to be) - maybe talking to someone who has experience about these things can help you deal with it.

 

 

Good luck in figuring it out.

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My boyfriend knows some but not everything. It is sort of an unspoken thing between us, but we have gotten into some pretty heated arguments in the past about the subject. He knows I like him, but not to the extent I do. I agree that it is not a good way to treat someone, but I feel I am trying, albeit in vain, to fix the problem.

 

I am curious as to what you mean by my issues seem to run a lot deeper - I'm not taking offense to this, I am genuinely curious as to how this situation is perceived by others.

 

To answer the question about my father, he is mentally and physically ill (I say this with the utmost seriousness) and I don't have a close relationship with him. I used to when I was younger.

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littleblackheart
My boyfriend knows some but not everything. It is sort of an unspoken thing between us, but we have gotten into some pretty heated arguments in the past about the subject. He knows I like him, but not to the extent I do. I agree that it is not a good way to treat someone, but I feel I am trying, albeit in vain, to fix the problem.

 

I am curious as to what you mean by my issues seem to run a lot deeper - I'm not taking offense to this, I am genuinely curious as to how this situation is perceived by others.

 

To answer the question about my father, he is mentally and physically ill (I say this with the utmost seriousness) and I don't have a close relationship with him. I used to when I was younger.

 

 

How do you think avoiding the issue and lying to your boyfriend about the extend of your feelings for your boss is trying to fix (or even address) the problem?

 

 

A lot of people have crushes on people they see as being inaccessible, but having daily inappropriate thoughts over a married guy who is clearly not interested, who is your superior and who you see everyday for the last 3 years whilst in a committed relationship with someone else is not that healthy for anyone:

 

 

- for your boss, who has to deal with unwanted attention at his place of work (doesn't matter that you lied to him about it, he'll probably be feeling uncomfortable around you)

- for your boyfriend, who has to compete for your attentions for no good reason at all (for him anyway, no doubt); that's got to be frustrating, and unfair.

- and for you, because you seem a bit trapped: you can't leave your job, you can't leave your boyfriend and you can't stop thinking about that guy.

 

 

This situation will only change if you - and only you - do something about it.

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Quiet Storm

Therapy is a good idea. Its been enough time to get over this. You may not have the coping skills to manage this on your own. Its OK to need help sometimes.

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Therapy is a good idea. Its been enough time to get over this. You may not have the coping skills to manage this on your own. Its OK to need help sometimes.

 

I'm not sure what else there is. The most obvious & effective response was to 'leave your job' so she will not interact with her boss anymore and her feelings will fade, but that was shot down. For sure her bf would be devastated if he knew he was a fall back option to help her get over her failed attempt to start an affair with her boss. I know she can't help the way she feels, but it sucks to be settled for, and lucky her bf doesn't realize the full story. She is not being fair to him.

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My boyfriend knows some but not everything. It is sort of an unspoken thing between us, but we have gotten into some pretty heated arguments in the past about the subject. He knows I like him, but not to the extent I do. I agree that it is not a good way to treat someone, but I feel I am trying, albeit in vain, to fix the problem.

 

I am curious as to what you mean by my issues seem to run a lot deeper - I'm not taking offense to this, I am genuinely curious as to how this situation is perceived by others.

 

To answer the question about my father, he is mentally and physically ill (I say this with the utmost seriousness) and I don't have a close relationship with him. I used to when I was younger.

 

It seems that this man may represent a reconnection with your father whom you were at one time close too.

 

Also it is obvious that you want what you cannot have. You cannot have your father due to his illness and this man is not available. You are trying to recreate the same scenario with another man in an attempt to change the past.

 

Just my opinion, but it is clear you are attracted to the unavailable.

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