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Is Monogamy and Marriage Possible Today?


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I have to ask a general question cause I notice this more often by the day.

 

There's a lot more cheating going on that's being voiced in relationships and in marriages than in previous times.

Back in the day this wasn't a well-voiced issue. Maybe because people didn't live as long, there were a lot of stricter codes on divorce and infidelity.

 

Anyway, just some thoughts.

 

What do you guys think? Is cheating more common now than it was in the past? Or are we just more aware of it now?

 

And for that matter, do you guys believe that marriage is even possible these days?

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Glinda, how long is yours going on?

 

 

I'm specifically referring to marriages that last a LIFETIME with no infidelity or any reason for divorce.

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GorillaTheater
Glinda, how long is yours going on?

 

 

I'm specifically referring to marriages that last a LIFETIME with no infidelity or any reason for divorce.

 

That might be asking too much. :laugh:

 

But I've been at it for a little over 30 years.

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I'm bad at these questions so let me try asking these again.

 

Do you think that people are capable of being in relationships and marriages, staying loyal, and not pursuing outside relationships?

 

Or.....

 

Are we too hard-wired and morally ambiguous to just have sex with one pereson for decades.

 

In short...

 

Can a majority of marriages and relationship end without someone being lined up after it blows?

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Philosoraptor
Glinda, how long is yours going on?

 

 

I'm specifically referring to marriages that last a LIFETIME with no infidelity or any reason for divorce.

 

My parents have been married for 36 years without any reason to divorce and no infidelity.

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Smilecharmer

The reason you see, notice and read more about cheating, divorce and terrible relationships is because those of us in healthy happy ones don't have the same need to rant and postulate.

Been happily married for seventeen. Or, maybe eighteen. Need to ask my husband. :lmao:

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Maybe it's just me.

 

But I've met 10 women over the course of two months....

 

All of them were married and looking for a way out. When given the reason, majority of them said they "Were bored with the married life and want something excited"

 

Of course, these women were in their later 20s and early 30s.

 

But I digress.

 

Between them, they were married for nearly ten years.

 

So it's safe to say they got married really young. Not to mention that they really didn't seem to care if their partner was hurt by their decisions, rather, they just wanted their piece of the pie, disregarding the kids and all...but with the financial security that came with it.

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Philosoraptor
I'm bad at these questions so let me try asking these again.

 

Do you think that people are capable of being in relationships and marriages, staying loyal, and not pursuing outside relationships?

 

Or.....

 

Are we too hard-wired and morally ambiguous to just have sex with one pereson for decades.

 

In short...

 

Can a majority of marriages and relationship end without someone being lined up after it blows?

Marriage can work if you do it for the right reasons. If both people are in it for love there is no reason for it to fail.

 

Quick-e-divorces have made bailing a too easy option, so the thought that should go into whether or not you want to marry someone is ignored. It's always easier jumping into something if you know you can easily get out. If everyone thought "this is forever" beforehand they may make a different choice.

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I have to ask a general question cause I notice this more often by the day.

 

There's a lot more cheating going on that's being voiced in relationships and in marriages than in previous times.

Back in the day this wasn't a well-voiced issue. Maybe because people didn't live as long, there were a lot of stricter codes on divorce and infidelity.

 

Anyway, just some thoughts.

 

What do you guys think? Is cheating more common now than it was in the past? Or are we just more aware of it now?

 

And for that matter, do you guys believe that marriage is even possible these days?

 

I think divorce is very common. My dad cheated on my mom and they divorced. When I got married I always had the thought in the back of my mind "If this doesn't work out I can always get divorced." It's the culture we live in.

 

The neighborhood I live in has a lot of seemingly healthy marriages. This is good for me and my husband to be around. My marriage is good. Nobody is cheating.

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There wasn't as much anonymity back in the day. You couldn't post on a message board & people were generally more private. With the advent of social media & the rise of relativity TV people will do and talk about anything that gets them attention. Divorce is also more socially acceptable rather than the scandal it used to me.

 

So I don't really think there is more infidelity. I do think there is more discussion about it & a lot of other previously taboo topics.

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Michelle ma Belle

Given the secretive nature of infidelity, exact figures about cheating and extra-marital affairs are nearly impossible to establish. But, listed below are some of the most well-supported facts about cheating;

 

1. It is estimated that roughly 30 to 60% of all married individuals (in the United States) will engage in infidelity at some point during their marriage (see, Buss and Shackelford for review of this research). And these numbers are probably on the conservative side, when you consider that close to half of all marriages end in divorce (people are more likely to stray as relationships fall apart; also see, who is likely to cheat).

 

2. Research consistently shows that 2 to 3% of all children are the product of infidelity. And most of these children are unknowingly raised by men who are not their biological fathers. DNA testing is finally making it easy for people to check the paternity of their children (see, paternity issues).

 

3. Infidelity is becoming more common among people under 30. Many experts believe this increase in cheating is due to greater opportunity (time spent away from a spouse) and young people developing the habit of having multiple sexual partners before they get married (Wall Street Journal).

 

4. Some cultures have adopted extreme measures to combat infidelity: female circumcision, allowing only limited contact between the sexes, and death as a punishment. While many other cultures view infidelity as more of a nuance, not a serious marital problem.

 

5. Men are more likely to cheat than women. BUT, as women become more financially independent, women are starting to act more like men with respect to infidelity (see, cheating wife, cheating husband, why men cheat, and why women cheat).

 

6. In many cases, infidelity never gets discovered.

 

7. Emotionally, it is possible to have feelings for more than one person at a time. Pragmatically, loving more than one person is difficult to do (see, polyamory - Truth, Lies, and Romance Blog).

 

8. As more and more women enter the work force, "office romances" are becoming more common. Spouses often spend more time with coworkers than with each other.

The internet, e-mail, and chat rooms are making it easier for people to engage in infidelity (see, online cheating).

 

9. The initial decision to be unfaithful is rarely ever a rational choice; instead infidelity is usually driven by circumstances and one's emotions. In fact, most people are surprised by their own behavior at the start of an affair (see, decision to cheat).

 

10. Emotional infidelity, compared to just physical infidelity, can inflict as much, if not more, hurt, pain and suffering. And to make matters worse, most infidelity involves both physical and emotional betrayal (see, what counts as cheating).

 

11. Biological evidence (i.e., research on biology and reproduction) indicates that long-term monogamy is difficult for humans to achieve - NOT impossible, but difficult (see, Barash and Lipton or the myth of monogamy - Salon.com).

 

12. Almost everyone admits to having fantasies that involve someone other than a spouse (see, Hicks and Leitenberg).

 

13. Jealousy is such a fundamental, universal emotion because infidelity has been a part of our human nature for a VERY long time.

 

Just some facts off the web so don't shoot the messenger :p

 

Personally, I think ANYTHING is possible IF you wanted it badly enough. That includes a long and happy and fulfilling marriage.

 

I am nothing if not a hopeless and hopeful romantic at my core :)

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serial muse
Maybe it's just me.

 

But I've met 10 women over the course of two months....

 

All of them were married and looking for a way out. When given the reason, majority of them said they "Were bored with the married life and want something excited"

 

Of course, these women were in their later 20s and early 30s.

 

But I digress.

 

Between them, they were married for nearly ten years.

 

So it's safe to say they got married really young. Not to mention that they really didn't seem to care if their partner was hurt by their decisions, rather, they just wanted their piece of the pie, disregarding the kids and all...but with the financial security that came with it.

 

So in that same period of time you haven't met a single happily married person?

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Infidelity, like lying, stealing, jealousy all other negative human traits have existed since human beings have existed.

 

Even in the Bible there are stories of infidelity and a commandment against coveting another's spouse.

 

 

So it's been around forever and will always be around like every other trait like lying, stealing, killing etc. However, clearly some people live their lives avoiding certain of these negative traits as much as possible and others succumb.

 

But yes monogamy and marriage are possible and happen everyday.

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I think there is both more cheating and more awareness that it occurs. More people have the financial and social ability to be more independent, so the dire lifestyle consequences of cheating are less of a deterrent. This may be good overall, as it does not lock people in bad or abusive situations.

 

I still think marriage and monogamy is possible and will continue to be. Hopefully, though, it won't be the unthinking default that it used to be, and people will more carefully choose the relationship they want, when they want it. I also think there are many viable and desirable alternatives to traditional marriage and monogamy, and I'm happily living one of them.

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It's not marriage, faithfulness and monogamy that's difficult these days, but rather finding a person who also wants that. Who really wants that.

 

2. Research consistently shows that 2 to 3% of all children are the product of infidelity. And most of these children are unknowingly raised by men who are not their biological fathers. DNA testing is finally making it easy for people to check the paternity of their children (see, paternity issues).

 

I must admit, I have a hell lot of respect for men who don't test their children nowadays.

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*shoots self in head*

 

 

Of course it is!! There's plenty if examples all around, all it takes is both parties commitment.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Actually I bet theres wayyy less cheating these days than back when. I thought it was pretty common in the past for upper class men to have lots of girls and upper class wives to shut there eyes.

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down hearted

well my parents have been together forever long 37+ years and they are still laughing sweet loving to each other today as though they just met, my parents have never been unfaithful to each other. I do believe that there are people out there who can be faithful 100% and who are devoted to their significant other marriage or not because I have seen it. me and my husband are going 10 years together soon and I know this may not seem like a lot but 10 years is a lot in my book, it's 10 years of your life and we never have cheated on each other, it is possible to have complete monogamy in a marriage absolutely! just how I believe there are faithful people out there, I also feel there are those who can't control themselves, it depends who you choose really, because been unfaithful it's like a trait in some people they just are not happy with whoever they are with and need to constantly keep looking to satisfy them emotionally but it never really happens no matter how many people they get with.

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Most people should not marry, but many also wish to have children and families for a while so it makes sense.

 

I do believe marriage and more importantly marriage with long term sexual interest, monogamy and love is possible its just its kind of rare. Our society for a long while pushed this as common and easy to achieve. Now our society seems to be saying the best sex and fun is outside of marriage - and marriages are a mess.

 

The challenge is to be true to yourself, and also even more of a challenge to pick the marriage partner who is also true to themselves and you.

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Yeah, the internet and technology makes it all so much easier. Emotional affairs can be unintentionally fallen into so much easier, but I do not believe they were happy. You can feel yourself getting attached and if you have someone you really love...you won't go there.

 

I haven't seen one marriage I would want to have. Including my grandparents who were married over 50 years. He was the fun one and she had to be the one making sure that everything still functioned as it should. She sniped and was on anti-depressants.

 

My parents were married for 29 years, no infidelity but my mom was miserable because my dad is emotionally constipated and moved them into a life that isolated her.

 

I'm a hopeless romantic and still want it. I've been married twice.

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I think the trend twards non-monogamy in some people has something to do with survival of the species as a whole. Many more people want a life that is child free. This will actually be beneficial in the long run. I don't think it is a conscious decision, something else is going on here.

 

There are too many people on the planet. If everyone has children, and those children consume natural resources, We will be behaving like locusts...We will consume all resources and then die. People are living longer than they did a century ago. Adjustments need to be made.

 

The ability to afford children is dependant on the world economy. A direct expression of this is the ability/desire to own a home. Less people can afford homes, so there will be less children as things get more expensive.

 

Marriage may become a mating strategy which made sense at one time in human history. It does not mean that it will be like that forever though. People are questioning what they really want in life, and what true happiness really is. Some will prefer one partner for a majority of their lives. Others will prefer to experience many people rather than just one.

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Humans are neither purely a tournament (classically polygamous) nor pair-bonded (classically monogamous) species, but fall somewhere in between. We're also the only species that really consciously considers these matters rather than merely resorting to biologically programmed behaviour.

 

Polygyny--one man, more than one wife--has actually been more the norm than monogamy throughout human history. (Polyandry--one wife, more than one husband--on the other hand has been extremely rare.) Even when monogamous marriage came into vogue, as someone else here has noted, it was not until recent times that this became synonymous with sexual fidelity for men.

 

I would argue that there is actually MORE monogamy and sexual fidelity now than there ever has been due to contemporary societal norms and expectations.

 

Quick edit: By 'now', I mean from mid-19th C to the present.

Edited by SolG
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It's very hard to find but then again aren't most great things hard to find? You just have to know who you are marrying.

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Nikki Sahagin

Good post.

 

 

I think it just comes to the individual.

 

 

Some people are by natural very loyal, very moral and very happy and grateful for what they have. It's funny, when people are single they moan and then when they find a good person they take them for granted. Some people don't do that. They make the most of who they have.

 

 

Other people are never satisfied, always want more and like instant gratification. Some people don't view cheating etc as immoral but as part of life.

 

 

I believe it is possible to be monogamous but it is largely down to the character of the person.

 

 

I also don't believe that we cheat more now than we used to, but I do believe cheating is more accepted now and also temptation is thrown in everyone's face on a daily basis, making it harder to resist.

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Sure there are some relationships that are truly bad and not right for people, but I'd say a lot of them are good and one person just ends up with GIGS.

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