joystickd Posted July 28, 2014 Share Posted July 28, 2014 After a lot of thinking I've figured out one of my biggest problems is that I don't have a lot of patience with single women. It's one of the reasons I've gravitated towards these unhealthy relationships with women that are already married or in a relationship. Part of it is from having my time wasted with single women and another is I'm not real big in subtlety with me it's either you want me or you dont. I guess that is from the past when I had my time wasted with ones that seemed at first like they are interested only to find out they never were and it was more of just a way for them to pass time. Link to post Share on other sites
Candy_Pants Posted July 28, 2014 Share Posted July 28, 2014 Usually it takes a period of time before strangers know they want to be with someone. If you can't give yourself or others that time then you'll encounter lots of women who simply want you to fill a void. They don't genuinely want you for YOU but more likely for the ____________ you give them. Maybe you ought to try some patience. 10 Link to post Share on other sites
Philosoraptor Posted July 28, 2014 Share Posted July 28, 2014 Take your time and gauge maturity before digging too deep. It takes time, but once you learn how to weed out the bad ones you won't have such issues. And don't settle for someone who isn't as open as you are. If they start playing games then drop them, as there are many out there who will be straight with you from the get go. They don't want to waste their time anymore than you want to waste yours. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author joystickd Posted July 28, 2014 Author Share Posted July 28, 2014 Usually it takes a period of time before strangers know they want to be with someone. If you can't give yourself or others that time then you'll encounter lots of women who simply want you to fill a void. They don't genuinely want you for YOU but more likely for the ____________ you give them. Maybe you ought to try some patience. I do but it seems like the women drag it out. This the problem I have had too many bad experiences where it got dragged out. I'm willing to wait up til a point then I just lose patience Link to post Share on other sites
Candy_Pants Posted July 28, 2014 Share Posted July 28, 2014 I do but it seems like the women drag it out. This the problem I have had too many bad experiences where it got dragged out. I'm willing to wait up til a point then I just lose patience Haven't you had a lot of bad experiences where the women DIDN'T drag it out too? Think about the end result and focus on that. With married women there is no future for you. Just some easy sex and drama. With single women you might have to earn a place in her life/bed but she's got to do the same after all. And you could have a legit relationship. Possibly including a happy ending. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
Author joystickd Posted July 28, 2014 Author Share Posted July 28, 2014 Haven't you had a lot of bad experiences where the women DIDN'T drag it out too? Think about the end result and focus on that. With married women there is no future for you. Just some easy sex and drama. With single women you might have to earn a place in her life/bed but she's got to do the same after all. And you could have a legit relationship. Possibly including a happy ending. You are right but it wasn't a drag out. Trust me I put in the work to earn a place but it's the same story. If it didn't happen like that I would have never gravitated towards married women from the beginning. I did it because even though it took time they did make it clear they were interested in me. Outside of the drama that was main reason I even had those types of relationships. Hell we talked all the time and they really got to know me so it wasn't really easy sex. I felt comfortable because they really showed they were interested Link to post Share on other sites
Author joystickd Posted July 28, 2014 Author Share Posted July 28, 2014 I think another thing me having those relationships I got used to the pace they move and single women don't move that pace so it's frustrating. Link to post Share on other sites
Candy_Pants Posted July 28, 2014 Share Posted July 28, 2014 I think another thing me having those relationships I got used to the pace they move and single women don't move that pace so it's frustrating. So much about life can be frustrating. But anything worth anything takes effort. What do you really want out of dating? 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author joystickd Posted July 28, 2014 Author Share Posted July 28, 2014 So much about life can be frustrating. But anything worth anything takes effort. What do you really want out of dating? I'm getting to the point I want to settle down. I'm just frustrated right now thinking about all of this. I always put in the effort and get 0. It's not like I'm lazy and not wanting to put in effort. Last actual single woman I put in the effort and did things to show her what I wanted and that I was into her but it didn't work. I'm just tired of putting in effort for nothing. Link to post Share on other sites
Author joystickd Posted July 28, 2014 Author Share Posted July 28, 2014 As a matter of fact I was very understanding with last single woman I tried to date we had only went out on two dates and I spent so much time trying to get a third and was very understanding of the fact she had a very sick dad and tired to be there for her when he died. I got crap from her. I stayed around and later on I find out on Facebook she had been hanging out with friends whenever possible. She pretended the whole time to be interested in me but the reality was she wasnt. Hell even her mom liked me and was glad she found someone to date. Like i said it's not like I'm not putting in the effort and time. It's just in the end I do it all for nothing. That's the reason I gravitated towards those unhealthy relationships because at least I got something for the effort I put in. That's the problem I get no reciprocation of interest and when I do it ends. It's not like it transitions into a relationship. With that being said what do I do Link to post Share on other sites
Candy_Pants Posted July 28, 2014 Share Posted July 28, 2014 Ah I see. Two dates in and you met mom and tried to be there for her emotionally while her dad was on his deathbed. Those are nice and thoughtful things. And entirely too much for only two dates. Someone else will have to help you on "boundaries" since I'm just figuring that **** out myself. Joy, only one relationship in our entire lives will "work out", and that's if you're lucky. If you want to settle down you're going to have a lot of searching ahead of you. I suggest you keep up what it seems you're doing now, soul searching. If you keep finding yourself in unhealthy relationships maybe it's because you need to start getting healthy in order to be a truly healthy partner. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author joystickd Posted July 28, 2014 Author Share Posted July 28, 2014 (edited) Ah I see. Two dates in and you met mom and tried to be there for her emotionally while her dad was on his deathbed. Those are nice and thoughtful things. And entirely too much for only two dates. Someone else will have to help you on "boundaries" since I'm just figuring that **** out myself. Joy, only one relationship in our entire lives will "work out", and that's if you're lucky. If you want to settle down you're going to have a lot of searching ahead of you. I suggest you keep up what it seems you're doing now, soul searching. If you keep finding yourself in unhealthy relationships maybe it's because you need to start getting healthy in order to be a truly healthy partner. Well two dates and we talked everyday. It wasn't like a thing where it was two dates and no communication. We talked everyday and got to know each other. She told me about everything going on with her and her family. I understand everything won't pan out but damn at least I can get a relationship in occasionally and that is the thing it never happens. I've never really had a LTR. All I've ever done was single women I got on dates it never pans out or I have women that are married and have some complicated situation which they end up wanting a relationship. That is the thing that hurts. It's like damn why even bother all I will ever have is unhealthy relationships because I settle for them. I settle because no single woman will get to the point to want a relationship. I need to have one to have the experience. I have basically 0 experience in long term rrelationships. It's true there is only one that works but I will never have that if I don't have the experience in understanding what it takes. Edited July 28, 2014 by joystickd Link to post Share on other sites
serial muse Posted July 28, 2014 Share Posted July 28, 2014 (edited) Well two dates and we talked everyday. It wasn't like a thing where it was two dates and no communication. We talked everyday and got to know each other. She told me about everything going on with her and her family. I understand everything won't pan out but damn at least I can get a relationship in occasionally and that is the thing it never happens. I've never really had a LTR. All I've ever done was single women I got on dates it never pans out or I have women that are married and have some complicated situation which they end up wanting a relationship. That is the thing that hurts. It's like damn why even bother all I will ever have is unhealthy relationships because I settle for them. I settle because no single woman will get to the point to want a relationship. I need to have one to have the experience. I have basically 0 experience in long term rrelationships. It's true there is only one that works but I will never have that if I don't have the experience in understanding what it takes. Hm, it does sound like you kind of push forward for emotional closeness early on. Perhaps that's because, as you say, you want the reassurance that the other person is genuinely interested, and that kind of quick intimacy seems to make that obvious. And then if the pace is slower perhaps you interpret that as insufficient interest on the woman's part/too much work to pursue. I'm not trying to place blame on you because I think you were trying to be kind to this woman. But I do want to point out that you seem to have a pattern of intensity early on with people, followed by disappointment when it peters out. And then anger because you feel led on. Well, the good news is that this is something that you do have some control over - you can learn to pace yourself differently, and to adjust expectations of what's "normal" in terms of closeness and intimacy so early in a relationship. Some people - a lot of people, actually - need more time to become close to someone. If they get intimate quickly, it's often - not always, but often - a red flag. As you have discovered. You don't want to be someone's crutch in times of emotional need; you want to be selected for you. Well, that might mean you need to give things more time and space to grow organically - and yes, a bit more slowly. Just a thought. Edited July 28, 2014 by serial muse 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author joystickd Posted July 28, 2014 Author Share Posted July 28, 2014 Hm, it does sound like you kind of push forward for emotional closeness early on. Perhaps that's because, as you say, you want the reassurance that the other person is genuinely interested, and that kind of quick intimacy seems to make that obvious. And then if the pace is slower perhaps you interpret that as insufficient interest on the woman's part/too much work to pursue. I'm not trying to place blame on you because I think you were trying to be kind to this woman. But I do want to point out that you seem to have a pattern of intensity early on with people, followed by disappointment when it peters out. And then anger because you feel led on. Well, the good news is that this is something that you do have some control over - you can learn to pace yourself differently, and to adjust expectations of what's "normal" in terms of closeness and intimacy so early in a relationship. Some people - a lot of people, actually - need more time to become close to someone. If they get intimate quickly, it's often - not always, but often - a red flag. You don't want to be someone's crutch in times of emotional need; you want to be selected for you. Well, that might mean you need to give things more time and space to grow organically - and yes, a bit more slowly. Just a thought. From November to march. Don't you think that's time? Trust me it may seem like I'm in a rush but I'm not. I really give them time too much in my honest opinion. Link to post Share on other sites
Author joystickd Posted July 28, 2014 Author Share Posted July 28, 2014 Another one before that I spent months getting to know her only to realize she was never attracted to me. She actually said that then later on from her own mouth she let a guy and his cousins gang bang her. I have no problem meeting them it's just it never pans out. Link to post Share on other sites
Smilecharmer Posted July 28, 2014 Share Posted July 28, 2014 Do you think maybe you need reassurance upon reassurance because your past relationships have left you with self esteem issues? You know that those firework quick relationships end poorly because they burn out so quickly, yet anything that is healthily paced makes you feel unwanted. If it is too quick and yes months are too quick to determine compatibility (see divorce rates) then maybe to is time to give slow and steady a try. Just a thought. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author joystickd Posted July 28, 2014 Author Share Posted July 28, 2014 Do you think maybe you need reassurance upon reassurance because your past relationships have left you with self esteem issues? You know that those firework quick relationships end poorly because they burn out so quickly, yet anything that is healthily paced makes you feel unwanted. If it is too quick and yes months are too quick to determine compatibility (see divorce rates) then maybe to is time to give slow and steady a try. Just a thought. Trust me I have given slow and steady a try. I get nothing. I get no sign they are interested even if it's just more dates. How would you feel in my position? Honestly answer that and no generic responses. No self esteem issues just frustrated Link to post Share on other sites
serial muse Posted July 28, 2014 Share Posted July 28, 2014 From November to march. Don't you think that's time? Trust me it may seem like I'm in a rush but I'm not. I really give them time too much in my honest opinion. But you had only been on two dates, right? It's not about the calendar time so much as the quality, getting-to-know-you, focused-on-each-other time. I know you spent time on the phone, but it sounds like an awful lot of what time you did have together was spent in addressing (directly or indirectly) her immediate emotional trauma, rather than in more gradual getting-to-know-each-other stuff. It's kind of setting you up to fail, honestly. Her mind isn't really on you (nor should it be, of course). 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author joystickd Posted July 28, 2014 Author Share Posted July 28, 2014 But you had only been on two dates, right? It's not about the calendar time so much as the quality, getting-to-know-you time. I know you spent time on the phone, but it sounds like an awful lot of what time you did have together was spent in addressing (directly or indirectly) her immediate emotional trauma, rather than in more gradual getting-to-know-each-other stuff. There was a lot of get to know you stuff. She asked a lot of questions right from the beginning so it's not like we spent a lot of time just talking about her family issues Link to post Share on other sites
serial muse Posted July 28, 2014 Share Posted July 28, 2014 There was a lot of get to know you stuff. She asked a lot of questions right from the beginning so it's not like we spent a lot of time just talking about her family issues Sorry, I added something after that to make my point clearer - that generally speaking her mind most likely simply wasn't on you while this whole thing was going down. I'm sure she was grateful for support and for distraction and for affection, but...well, it's not really fair, is it? To anyone - you or her. People who are dealing with the loss (impending and the aftermath) of a parent are not going to be thinking clearly. I know you said she was out with her friends, and that hurt you, but the truth is perhaps that's what she needed right then. She just wasn't in a place to have a real relationship. And that's the sort of thing you can actually get better at recognizing. You were trying so hard to be there for her - for someone you honestly hardly knew! - that perhaps you weren't able to pull back and just check things out organically. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author joystickd Posted July 28, 2014 Author Share Posted July 28, 2014 Sorry, I added something after that to make my point clearer - that generally speaking her mind most likely simply wasn't on you while this whole thing was going down. I'm sure she was grateful for support and for distraction and for affection, but...well, it's not really fair, is it? To anyone - you or her. People who are dealing with the loss (impending and the aftermath) of a parent are not going to be thinking clearly. I know you said she was out with her friends, and that hurt you, but the truth is perhaps that's what she needed right then. She just wasn't in a place to have a real relationship. And that's the sort of thing you can actually get better at recognizing. You were trying so hard to be there for her - for someone you honestly hardly knew! - that perhaps you weren't able to pull back and just check things out organically. If that was the case she should have said that she wasn't interested in a relationship. She was the one that showed started the whole thing not me. I never asked for a number she found me on Facebook and then texted me. If she never wanted that then she should have never done those things. Link to post Share on other sites
Author joystickd Posted July 28, 2014 Author Share Posted July 28, 2014 I'm just frustrated and it feels like everything I do doesn't change my situation. It feels like these women are like "Hey I got nothing else to do. Let's pretend we like him just to pass the time". I know it's not that. All those times of that happening has made it to the point where I need to see they are interested to move forward now. Before it was cool but after the consistent constant incidents like this happening it made me feel I need that. I just want to know someone has some interest to pursue more maybe more dating or even getting to know me more. Hell it's why I lost patience now. It's not like I'm asking for marriage or a relationship right from the beginning. It's not like I have trouble meeting women hell I seem to date one right after another but no luck in it transitioning into more. Do you even understand how that feels? None of you never answered the question I posted before and I take it you all dont. It's why I began to prefer FWBs. Less BS and headache. I never had any issues with any single woman I had an FWB with. Link to post Share on other sites
serial muse Posted July 28, 2014 Share Posted July 28, 2014 If that was the case she should have said that she wasn't interested in a relationship. She was the one that showed started the whole thing not me. I never asked for a number she found me on Facebook and then texted me. If she never wanted that then she should have never done those things. Hey, look, like I said, I'm not blaming you. I'm just offering up how this can be a learning experience. Sure, you can choose to be angry at this woman, or at single women in general, or at women across the planet for whatever. Anyone can choose to be angry at anyone or anything when they feel frustrated. Or, you can focus on what's actually within your sphere of control: your own choices (yes, she could have pushed you away, but you also could have walked away once you felt like it wasn't going how you wanted it to, or not gotten involved with her in the first place once you knew that she had this hanging over her, right?) and what you could do differently next time. Doesn't mean it's your "fault" - it just means that it doesn't do you a bit of good to think about whose fault it is. I can validate that it sucks to be used. But I can also tell you, as a woman, that men do that shxt too, and you're only shooting yourself in the foot if you don't look at people as individuals. It's your call how you want to proceed with this. Link to post Share on other sites
Author joystickd Posted July 28, 2014 Author Share Posted July 28, 2014 Hey, look, like I said, I'm not blaming you. I'm just offering up how this can be a learning experience. Sure, you can choose to be angry at this woman, or at single women in general, or at women across the planet for whatever. Anyone can choose to be angry at anyone or anything when they feel frustrated. Or, you can focus on what's actually within your sphere of control: your own choices (yes, she could have pushed you away, but you also could have walked away once you felt like it wasn't going how you wanted it to, or not gotten involved with her in the first place once you knew that she had this hanging over her, right?) and what you could do differently next time. Doesn't mean it's your "fault" - it just means that it doesn't do you a bit of good to think about whose fault it is. I can validate that it sucks to be used. But I can also tell you, as a woman, that men do that shxt too, and you're only shooting yourself in the foot if you don't look at people as individuals. It's your call how you want to proceed with this. Trust me I do what I can control but it's frustrating when it always happens. Link to post Share on other sites
Author joystickd Posted July 28, 2014 Author Share Posted July 28, 2014 I just need to not think about it for a while. I'm just too frustrated right now. I'm straight with people and expect the same. Is that too much to ask? If I'm not interested I say it I don't waste someone's time. Later I will return when I calm down some 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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