Why do I feel upset?

[joystickd]

I still after finally ending the unhealthy situation still feel upset. I've been thinking and working on me. I decided to never again get into a situation like that but it still bothers me. I'm not angry or sad about what happened. I guess I'm troubled because I never really trusted anyone and got comfortable in those type of relationships. I may get upset but I guess the outcomes are expected so I feel some comfort in that. I just want to really find someone but I have major trust issues. I've been working to resolve them but once I take steps forward I get knocked right back to square one. I just seem to not be able to pick women that would make great relationship partners even if they are single. I just seem to find one with major issues. I just need help in figuring out why. I really want to be a good man to a woman and really take it to the point I get married and have kids. I just don't know where to start.

[joystickd]

I never been this upset. I'm just troubled by all of this my whole track record of unhealthy relationships. You live and finally learn I guess. I hate it took this long.

[ayee_again]

Sounds as though you are in a cycle. A cycle to automatically self-distruct your relationship before it begins. You , yourself said your picker is broke. You need to step back away from relationships for a while and try to decipher what it is that is drawing you towards those females in particular.

 

Ask yourself is it that you just want to be in a relationship so you hurry into them? Do you need to feel needed so you pick those that need help so you can fix them?

 

Only you can figure out the flaw in your picking skills and that takes time. You will never fix what is broken until you take the time to evaluate yourself and your situation. Time is key to most things, so allow yourself time to grow and allow yourself time to get to know someone before you "pick" her.

 

Good luck!

[joystickd]

Sounds as though you are in a cycle. A cycle to automatically self-distruct your relationship before it begins. You , yourself said your picker is broke. You need to step back away from relationships for a while and try to decipher what it is that is drawing you towards those females in particular.

 

Ask yourself is it that you just want to be in a relationship so you hurry into them? Do you need to feel needed so you pick those that need help so you can fix them?

 

Only you can figure out the flaw in your picking skills and that takes time. You will never fix what is broken until you take the time to evaluate yourself and your situation. Time is key to most things, so allow yourself time to grow and allow yourself time to get to know someone before you "pick" her.

 

Good luck!

It's not that I'm in a hurry. They pursue me and they push to be in a relationship. I usually go along. I really need to figure out why these women are attracted to me. I go along because I'm lonely. I guess I need to be even more selective in women I associate with

[serial muse]

It's not that I'm in a hurry. They pursue me and they push to be in a relationship. I usually go along. I really need to figure out why these women are attracted to me. I go along because I'm lonely. I guess I need to be even more selective in women I associate with

 

I think you should probably turn that question around - the real question is what is it about them that you like? Are you drawn to being their "savior" from a bad relationship? Or is it that you prefer to be approached rather than do the approaching, and in that sense they make it easy for you to get involved (until it becomes too much)? Those are the kinds of questions worth exploring. What are you looking for in a partner, and why does it seem like they've got it, even temporarily? Start with this most recent woman and go from there.

 

It's good that you're not angry about this; I think anger tends to get in the way of real insight. Maybe you're at a crossroads.

[joystickd]

I think you should probably turn that question around - the real question is what is it about them that you like? Are you drawn to being their "savior" from a bad relationship? Or is it that you prefer to be approached rather than do the approaching, and in that sense they make it easy for you to get involved (until it becomes too much)? Those are the kinds of questions worth exploring. What are you looking for in a partner, and why does it seem like they've got it, even temporarily? Start with this most recent woman and go from there.

 

It's good that you're not angry about this; I think anger tends to get in the way of real insight. Maybe you're at a crossroads.

It never pans out when I approach. I do like them approaching me. No I'm not into being their savior. It starts out as sex then transitions to something more. They initiate the whole talk about feelings and what they want even with this recent one. I go along with it and when I see they are interested then I get into it.

At this point I just want a woman that is honest, with some goals, wanting to settle down at some point. I spent a lot of time getting caught up with these women and I've really stared compiling a list of thing I want in a woman. I will also say no history of cheating.

[joystickd]

I will correct that I do try to help them but that's just me in general. I will help anyone that needs it. I think I'm starting to get it now.

[Smilecharmer]

J, I really like how you are opening up possibilities within yourself. Everyone feels lost and has a bad picker when they react to bad or negative experiences instead of being proactive and only going after positive results. I'm sure there are many reasons for this. Distrust, low self esteem, ego drivers, and a real need to be intimate and find someone special can make you see water where there is a desert or make you see gold where there is tinsel. I remember thinking that I just never would find anyone that was compatible with me, that could treat me like I wanted to be treated, then I realized that I was dating very superficial boys who were self absorbed because that was who I thought I should be dating. I realized I kept getting these messages from people inadvertently that I belonged with the gorgeous jocks or charming schmoozers. They were the ones that tended to have the confidence to pursue me so it was easy. When I realized I wanted more, it stopped being easy because I had to figure out what about me attracted these guys and change it. I had to figure out what type of man I really wanted and what I found was that I needed someone smart, affable and caring. I also wanted someone deep who had good values. He wasn't easy to find or attract but I worked hard at it and didn't become enmeshed with anymore shallow guys.

Maybe if you concentrate in finding the woman who has the values and standards you know you would need for a long term relationship, you can attract her by only accepting that from the women you date and pursue. There a good women out there. I meet them everyday. They just aren't ones who are going to pursue you for a drama filled sexual FWB relationship right away. They may be the ones who are shy or reserved or believes in waiting for sex. You are asking the right questions. I'm amazed at how much reflection you have done lately. It really makes me happy for you.

[joystickd]

J, I really like how you are opening up possibilities within yourself. Everyone feels lost and has a bad picker when they react to bad or negative experiences instead of being proactive and only going after positive results. I'm sure there are many reasons for this. Distrust, low self esteem, ego drivers, and a real need to be intimate and find someone special can make you see water where there is a desert or make you see gold where there is tinsel. I remember thinking that I just never would find anyone that was compatible with me, that could treat me like I wanted to be treated, then I realized that I was dating very superficial boys who were self absorbed because that was who I thought I should be dating. I realized I kept getting these messages from people inadvertently that I belonged with the gorgeous jocks or charming schmoozers. They were the ones that tended to have the confidence to pursue me so it was easy. When I realized I wanted more, it stopped being easy because I had to figure out what about me attracted these guys and change it. I had to figure out what type of man I really wanted and what I found was that I needed someone smart, affable and caring. I also wanted someone deep who had good values. He wasn't easy to find or attract but I worked hard at it and didn't become enmeshed with anymore shallow guys.

Maybe if you concentrate in finding the woman who has the values and standards you know you would need for a long term relationship, you can attract her by only accepting that from the women you date and pursue. There a good women out there. I meet them everyday. They just aren't ones who are going to pursue you for a drama filled sexual FWB relationship right away. They may be the ones who are shy or reserved or believes in waiting for sex. You are asking the right questions. I'm amazed at how much reflection you have done lately. It really makes me happy for you.

 

I'm not real big on waiting for sex that's part of the problem. I've been done dirty by women that wanted to wait. They wait then only to find out they been having sex with someone the whole time. It's the way it goes I guess.

[GoBlue]

You start with what you can control - yourself. By the way, if you are not willing to wait for sex you are probably going to repeat the whole cycle. Most women don't want to have sex right away with a man that they are hoping for a LT relationship with. There are natural steps to intimacy and when you jump right to intercourse the whole relationship is thrown out of whack. I know from both personal experience and all of the studies that have been done. You have to decide - do you want a relationship or do you want sex? The best intimacy I have ever had was when I enjoyed it within the confines of my marriage. My thoughts and prayers are with you.

[joystickd]

You start with what you can control - yourself. By the way, if you are not willing to wait for sex you are probably going to repeat the whole cycle. Most women don't want to have sex right away with a man that they are hoping for a LT relationship with. There are natural steps to intimacy and when you jump right to intercourse the whole relationship is thrown out of whack. I know from both personal experience and all of the studies that have been done. You have to decide - do you want a relationship or do you want sex? The best intimacy I have ever had was when I enjoyed it within the confines of my marriage. My thoughts and prayers are with you.

 

I will only wait 3 weeks to a month that is it and only with some reassurance that at some it will happen. I'm not into rushing it but I just don't want to experience again the dragging out of something. It's more the type of women I associate with

Edited July 24, 2014 by joystickd

[joystickd]

Maybe I can wait longer that is if I know the person is truly interested in me. Just been feeling down not about what happened but the fact the only relationships I've ever had were ones like this. It's crazy because it feels like that's all I will ever have in my life. Grandparents were married 60+ years and pare ts 30+ it's like I will never have that. That's what hurts. I could care less about what she did. I just want a drama free no games relationship with someone single. I never had that on my life.

[Mrlonelyone]

JoystickD. You describe the women being really into you and wanting sex and a relationship right away, then they turn and show that they have problems. I see two things going on.

 

For your part you are going into the standard natural honeymoon of a relationship. For up to three years into it, people can be in a chemical haze where a new partner seems they can do no wrong, deep incompatibilities don't matter etc. Even mentally healthy people do this.

 

The broken damaged women you end up with, likely have a clinical disorder. There are a number of personality disorders where people use sex to get or manipulate relationships. They think sex is all they really have to offer, don't like themselves, and don't really know why anyone else would like them.

 

I have an uncle who went through this. He dated a couple of flaky women. Then married two women so crazy they were adjudicated as such in a court of law. Eventually he married a woman who wasn't that into him and has been married for a long time.

 

The simple advice I can give you is pursue women who are not so into you. You might say look who's talking for all the troubles I have. Yet in my time here I have had at least one long but imperfect relationship. Maybe like Elizabeth Taylor or Henry the 8th 7th time's the charm.

[joystickd]

JoystickD. You describe the women being really into you and wanting sex and a relationship right away, then they turn and show that they have problems. I see two things going on.

 

For your part you are going into the standard natural honeymoon of a relationship. For up to three years into it, people can be in a chemical haze where a new partner seems they can do no wrong, deep incompatibilities don't matter etc. Even mentally healthy people do this.

 

The broken damaged women you end up with, likely have a clinical disorder. There are a number of personality disorders where people use sex to get or manipulate relationships. They think sex is all they really have to offer, don't like themselves, and don't really know why anyone else would like them.

 

I have an uncle who went through this. He dated a couple of flaky women. Then married two women so crazy they were adjudicated as such in a court of law. Eventually he married a woman who wasn't that into him and has been married for a long time.

 

The simple advice I can give you is pursue women who are not so into you. You might say look who's talking for all the troubles I have. Yet in my time here I have had at least one long but imperfect relationship. Maybe like Elizabeth Taylor or Henry the 8th 7th time's the charm.

The ones I pursue that are so not into me end up wasting my time. I'm at a loss. I guess at this point I need to be more selective in the women I talk to. No more women that are married and first sign of issues I'm ending it. This last one really started to drag me down to that place emotionally like my very first experience. Luckily my coworkers and a few patients say women I talk to have to meet their approval. They have been supportive. It kind of made me reevaluate my whole rule on being friends with women.

[EricaH329]

The ones I pursue that are so not into me end up wasting my time. I'm at a loss. I guess at this point I need to be more selective in the women I talk to. No more women that are married and first sign of issues I'm ending it. This last one really started to drag me down to that place emotionally like my very first experience. Luckily my coworkers and a few patients say women I talk to have to meet their approval. They have been supportive. It kind of made me reevaluate my whole rule on being friends with women.

 

I'm a bit confused with the bolded part. Are you pursuing married women? Or do you mean that you aren't going to talk to married women anymore because they aren't available?

 

Also, ending things at the first signs of an issue will get you no where.

 

It seems that you have this fantasy that relationships are great and that once you've found the right one that nothing will go wrong. I think the first thing you need to accept before you even THINK about getting into a serious relationship, is that everyone has issues. Including yourself.

 

In my opinion, you need to re-evaluate your ideas about what a healthy, mature, and functioning relationship is, before you even consider dating anyone.

[joystickd]

I'm a bit confused with the bolded part. Are you pursuing married women? Or do you mean that you aren't going to talk to married women anymore because they aren't available?

 

Also, ending things at the first signs of an issue will get you no where.

 

It seems that you have this fantasy that relationships are great and that once you've found the right one that nothing will go wrong. I think the first thing you need to accept before you even THINK about getting into a serious relationship, is that everyone has issues. Including yourself.

 

In my opinion, you need to re-evaluate your ideas about what a healthy, mature, and functioning relationship is, before you even consider dating anyone.

 

No more married women and no more women with major issues they are still having.

[joystickd]

. I'm late to dating world started at 25. Up until that point it was constant rejection. I know for me I hate subtlety if it's not clear it usually doesn't work out. Well either way it's damned if I do and damned if I dont. I feel like nothing to lose now. I thin part of my problem is I lack patience due to my struggles in the beginning. I'm just not into the subtle games that women do. I'm either you want me or you dont. I gravitated towards these women because their interests were clear and not subtle. I've spent years playing the subtle thing and it got me no where I wanted. I understand sometimes you have to go along with it but after years of dealing with having my time wasted I have no more patience for it. I think that's my biggest problem. I prefer women to be clear with their intentions. I'm clear with mine and I expected the same in return. I guess you can't expect some logic from a someone that is motivated by emotions