rebeccasum69 Posted July 23, 2014 Share Posted July 23, 2014 I've been with my boyfriend for over two years and we just moved in together a couple months ago. I really love him but things have come up throughout the two years that make me question whether or not he really loves me and wants to be with ME or he just wants to be with SOMEONE. Especially since he has never been single for more than a couple months between relationships. He admits that he gets attached to people easily and tries as hard as he can to make things work, no matter how hard things get. A little bit about my boyfriend…his first serious relationship (ex #1) lasted about three years and ended about 2 years before we met. They moved in together and several months later, she broke up with him for another guy. After they broke up, not even four months later, he was in a relationship with someone else (ex #2). She cheated on him, but he stayed with her and after about a year, she left him for another guy too. This was about a year before we met. After ex #2, there was another girl that he was never in a relationship with but said he wanted to date, but they just hooked up. A couple months after we started dating, someone told me they heard that ex #2 (who he said he hadn't talked to for almost a year) started texting him and that they had been flirting over text. I confronted him because I had seen a message from her pop up on his phone a few days earlier and he quickly said “That’s my friend ---“, but I didn’t question him. He said she had been the one saying flirty things and he just answered her because he felt bad ignoring her. He also said he didn't tell me because he thought I'd be upset that she was texting him and that he wanted to make both people happy. So his solution is what I don't know can't hurt me and then his ex won't be hurt either?? I wouldn’t have cared that they talked as friends, but the flirty messages are not ok with me!! And the fact that he knew I would be upset but did it anyway makes me wonder if he cared more about her feelings at that point than mine. When we first started dating, he talked about ex #1 quite a bit, to the point that I was wondering if he was really over the relationship. I recently found out through a close friend that they were talking about getting married about a year into their relationship and had gotten as far as planning where he would propose. That hurt to find out because in the 2.5 years we have been dating, he has never once brought up marriage. When he moved in with me, I was helping him unpack and found a box of cards/letters that she had written him. I read one not knowing what it was and then gave the box to him, but just reading that, it seemed like they had a much deeper meaningful relationship than we do. It's hard for me to open up and express to people how much I care and it hurt to see how easy it seemed for his ex to do that. I’ve told him about this and said it doesn’t mean I don’t care. I'm just not sure what to think sometimes. I love him and it seems like he loves me, but I worry that he doesn’t feel as strongly about me as his exes and that he’s still hung up on the past. Link to post Share on other sites
Sriracha Posted July 23, 2014 Share Posted July 23, 2014 (edited) I don't think he would move in with you if he was unsure about his feelings for you. He seems like a guy who believes in love and commitment and has had his heart broken. regarding ex # 2: it was stupid of him to flirt with her and even dumber to not tell you about it.. It sounds like you forgave him for it, so you do need to figure out how to let go of that.. If you haven't already, perhaps figure out a way to tell him that it's super important that he be honest with you no matter how he thinks you'll react.. My boyfriend's ex randomly tries to reach out to him even though he's blocked her (but she has called from other phone numbers-she's psycho) and I even said to him "look, I don't like her, and yeah it'll piss me off when she reaches out, but I still need you to tell me so I can be mad at her, NOT YOU" I swear I saw a light bulb go on over his head, and we had a good chuckle about it. If your boyfriend is a good guy, he'll understand where you're coming from ( and of course, this conversation should include you reassuring him that you'll always be honest and forthright with him as well..) regarding ex#1- he got his heart broken, but it sounds like he has moved on, but is still sentimental.. that's a tricky one.. I think there's a combination of insecurity on your part.. and while some of it is justified based on ex#2, I think you need to think about what you ultimately want him to do about this. Do you want him to throw those cards/items away? Before talking to him, just really think about how he is to you in your daily life. If he is always showing you affirmation and love and the only time you feel insecure is when you think about his ex's, I would really suggest exploring your thoughts and figuring out how to purge them because they can turn into toxic triggers.. If there are other behaviors that truly makes you question his feelings for you, then you might have a good reason to sit down and talk to him and tell him what you need from him...But that conversation would be about what you need from him in order to feel connected to him, not from the angle of how you *think* he feels about you versus his exes. Edited July 23, 2014 by Sriracha Link to post Share on other sites
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