Johansen90 Posted July 23, 2014 Share Posted July 23, 2014 Me and her have been together for 3months or so. First month or so was spent together-- in our uni's town. After that she moved back home for e summer, before relocating again for summer work. She's met this female friend a few weeks ago of whom she speaks fondly of, she also speaks with her a lot over FB so I can see the conversations. They are what I would term "banter--bordering on flirtation". My girlfriend is bisexual, has had many sexual partners and is very outgoing and bubbly. Which I know in and of itself isn't really a qualifier for a cheater. But, it's just all of it holistically...for example she tells me she 'dirty dances' with friends whilst out drunk, but as she puts it "in a friendly but funny way". This was after telling me that she was worried I wouldn't like her on a night out. She has also admitted to her friends (with he present), that she cheated on her ex with someone else in his bed. This made me feel so uneasy, I kept it to myself for weeks-- until I asked her. She told me that their relationship was full of his emotional baggage- offering no other explanation. Now given all of this information--and the added factor of this 'new friend', with whom she seems to worship the ground she walks on, I think she's having an emotional affair with her. Ever since they met our communication is less (maybe once-twice a day). I've brought it up, she tells me their just friends (she has a bf), and that I'm paranoid and I'm just worrying. That she still wants to be with me but I just have this feeling that never goes away. She always arranges for me to call at specific times, sometimes I'll call and she won't pick up. Then I call again and she does but offers mundane excuses. Now on to the mysterious message.....I received a message off of her which read: "hey sorry I missed your call, I was doing something and my phone was put down, I'm free if you want to call me back and chat (insert five lines of kisses)" I said I never calked you in first place. She responds with "yeah I read your name, but realised call wasn't from you, sorry". I feel like this message wasn't for me. Is she a cheat? Link to post Share on other sites
KaliLove Posted July 23, 2014 Share Posted July 23, 2014 What's your gut telling you? Honestly, nobody here knows you or your gf..we can't say yes or no to that. Your gut is your best bet. Mine is almost never wrong. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Johansen90 Posted July 23, 2014 Author Share Posted July 23, 2014 What's your gut telling you? Honestly, nobody here knows you or your gf..we can't say yes or no to that. Your gut is your best bet. Mine is almost never wrong. I can understand your meaning behind your response....one that echoes true for many- 'always trust your instincts' et cetera. I honestly feel something isn't right, and that 'something' isn't settling well with me right now. My mental health is suffering severely and I'm not sure who to turn too. I've exhausted all my avenues, in the sense, even my closest mate is telling me that he wants me to make my own decisions, and that he doesn't want to sway me. Of course, naturally, he is right. It's just I don't want to ruin the relationship--if I'm wrong here. But there are too many things gone on. I know if I was to tell my GP (doctor), he would most likely tell me its all in my head, but that's only because I see him regularly (and mostly about mh problems-- depression & anxiety). Even if he were right, I don't think its worth my self esteem to stay in a relationship that makes me feel the way I do. Either way, perhaps its better for me to cut my losses here. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Johansen90 Posted July 23, 2014 Author Share Posted July 23, 2014 What's your gut telling you? Honestly, nobody here knows you or your gf..we can't say yes or no to that. Your gut is your best bet. Mine is almost never wrong. Sorry I realized I didn't really answer your question. My gut is telling me something is going on. But there again I'm not in a good mentality right now, so it may just be these problems and not what is going on.... Link to post Share on other sites
acrosstheuniverse Posted July 23, 2014 Share Posted July 23, 2014 I second 'trust your gut' if you don't have a history of unfounded jealousy and paranoia. However... she admitted she cheated on her ex in his bed with another dude. Sorry but if a guy did that to his ex and then told me about it while dating me I'd be SO turned off I think it'd be over right there and then. I mean, there's cheating, there's a drunken indiscretion somebody regrets, there's a kiss at a party... and then there's ****ing somebody else in your partner's bed. Sorry but, lowest of the low much? 2 Link to post Share on other sites
No Limit Posted July 23, 2014 Share Posted July 23, 2014 I mean, there's cheating, there's a drunken indiscretion somebody regrets, there's a kiss at a party... and then there's ****ing somebody else in your partner's bed. Sorry but, lowest of the low much? It can get even lower than that nowadays... but yeah, that little part of her past would make me keep a big safe distance. And judging from your description, she's rather unpredictable anyway. Heavy red flag. To be honest, it wouldn't even matter to me if she cheated already or not, but she definitely has no trait that makes her good for anything beyond FWB (with bullet-proof protection during the act), at best. Link to post Share on other sites
JohnM Posted July 23, 2014 Share Posted July 23, 2014 My opinion is that if you have cheated you have it within your character then. You know it is in them to be able to do it. The fact she didn't detail it to you may suggest she didn't think much of it. The whole he had baggage thing is not justification. To be honest, once you start questioning things you'll never be able to just relax. So you either stick it out and see if you can grow strong enough to not get anxious at the possibility or you bring it up and clear the air. If it were me, I would ask for more background on her cheating and see the bigger picture. Then ask about the girl and say you just need reassuring. Once you have done that you HAVE to then trust her if you get the all clear. No more questions and no more worrying. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Johansen90 Posted July 23, 2014 Author Share Posted July 23, 2014 I second 'trust your gut' if you don't have a history of unfounded jealousy and paranoia. However... she admitted she cheated on her ex in his bed with another dude. Sorry but if a guy did that to his ex and then told me about it while dating me I'd be SO turned off I think it'd be over right there and then. I mean, there's cheating, there's a drunken indiscretion somebody regrets, there's a kiss at a party... and then there's ****ing somebody else in your partner's bed. Sorry but, lowest of the low much? I guess as a guy, I can get jealous a lot, and in fact, i've been insecurely jealous all my life, and in my only other previous relationship. But NOT to this extent She did admit it, but I'm not sure what to make of it, as it was revealed during a drunken night of card games a group of her and her friends were playing. I was there also, but I am not sure if she forgot I was there, or had too many to drink that she didn't care. Either way, I heard it with my own ears, and as soon as I mentioned it, she dismisses it, and downplays it. I haven't asked about it explicitly since I figured its none of my business-- but perhaps I should? I'm going down and travelling to see her in a few days-- so surely I will get a feel of how she is with me. It is pretty damn low yes, and to be honest, the minute I heard it, it did make me feel sick. Part of me wanted to pretend I didn't, in fact, I believe I was in denial about it. Nevertheless, stupidly or not, I brushed it off at the time, because thats her business to some degree. I'm at a loss as to what to do...my mental health is suffering gravely. I'm drinking heavily and I just want to be sure- or I could just cut my losses? I just feel I'll never find anyone else. I've always put relationships on a pedestal and always wanted to be loved (or all things), and I guess that makes me clingy but I can't help it. I have low self-esteem and depression troubles-- so much so that I've never valued myself. I just want someone that wants me 100% Link to post Share on other sites
Author Johansen90 Posted July 23, 2014 Author Share Posted July 23, 2014 My opinion is that if you have cheated you have it within your character then. You know it is in them to be able to do it. The fact she didn't detail it to you may suggest she didn't think much of it. The whole he had baggage thing is not justification. To be honest, once you start questioning things you'll never be able to just relax. So you either stick it out and see if you can grow strong enough to not get anxious at the possibility or you bring it up and clear the air. If it were me, I would ask for more background on her cheating and see the bigger picture. Then ask about the girl and say you just need reassuring. Once you have done that you HAVE to then trust her if you get the all clear. No more questions and no more worrying. You're right- its all one big questionable mess. Unfortunately, I know, that even if we talk it out, I will still question, question, question everything! I can't help it- im a paranoid and depressive wreck...with no self-esteem or sef-worth. But we'll see what happens- time always tells Link to post Share on other sites
Author Johansen90 Posted July 23, 2014 Author Share Posted July 23, 2014 It can get even lower than that nowadays... but yeah, that little part of her past would make me keep a big safe distance. And judging from your description, she's rather unpredictable anyway. Heavy red flag. To be honest, it wouldn't even matter to me if she cheated already or not, but she definitely has no trait that makes her good for anything beyond FWB (with bullet-proof protection during the act), at best. You're right. But it's hard for me to let go-- i get attached far too easily. I'm not very assertive, have little self esteem and confidence in myself. I don't really value myself, which I guess lends itself to me always being lumbered with less than satisfactory partners that don't have my best interests at heart (like now). It has raised red flags, and to be honest, from the minute she revealed it, it hasn't left my memory. I just don't know what to do- other than go to see her and see how it goes. Link to post Share on other sites
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