Am I expecting too much from my BF/relationship?

[cheshire_cat]

This is going to be perhaps a little long and disjointed so I apologize in advance.

 

My issue is two fold. My BF was out of town for 5 day this past weekend for a vacation in Boston. My birthday is next Saturday and prior to him leaving he asked on more than one occasion if he could text my friends and organize the celebration. I was hesitant because I normally just invite everyone out to a bar or restaurant for drinks and dinner. Nothing fancy or difficult. I gave him 6 phone numbers for my friends (one he already had) to text. Not hard. He left on Friday and I talked to him (as well as my best friend) on Sunday evening and nothing had been done. Ok, this is the first birthday he has spent with me, so maybe he did not understand how important it is to me to spend it with my close friends. Anyways I got upset because he had made no effort towards it at all and my birthday being on a Saturday in the middle of summer people's schedules fill up quickly. I finally just told him I would deal with it and invite everyone myself. Which I did, Monday morning. Took all of 10 minutes.

 

He came back in to town this evening. I spent the entire weekend taking care of his dog and I also volunteered to pick him up from the airport. Both things I was happy to do because I love him and that's what you do for people you love. Long story short (too late) we were hanging out at his place watching a tv show. A guy on the show he recognized and wanted to know where he knew this guy from. He pulled out his phone to look him up, he unlocked it and pic of a girl in a bikini at the beach (a pic that had obviously been taken from a camera phone or personal camera so this wasn't some random porn site pic) popped up on his screen. Less than 10 minutes prior he had been in the bathroom with his phone so I know that is where he was looking at the pic, I had seen him on his phone earlier. I didn't say anything to him about it, even though I know he realized I saw it. But I got quiet for the rest of the night and instead of staying there told him he needed to go to sleep because he had been travelling all day and I came back to my place.

 

I'm hurt that he made no effort to do anything about birthday even though he volunteered for the job knowing that I would rather do it myself and then within 2 hours of seeing him for the first time in 5 days he's in the bathroom looking at pics of some girl in a bikini...it looked like some manner of pic that would be on FB so I assume it is someone he knows. This really isn't even a question so much as a rant...is this what guys do? Am I expecting too much out of him/this relationship?

[thekid36]

This is going to be perhaps a little long and disjointed so I apologize in advance.

 

My issue is two fold. My BF was out of town for 5 day this past weekend for a vacation in Boston. My birthday is next Saturday and prior to him leaving he asked on more than one occasion if he could text my friends and organize the celebration. I was hesitant because I normally just invite everyone out to a bar or restaurant for drinks and dinner. Nothing fancy or difficult. I gave him 6 phone numbers for my friends (one he already had) to text. Not hard. He left on Friday and I talked to him (as well as my best friend) on Sunday evening and nothing had been done. Ok, this is the first birthday he has spent with me, so maybe he did not understand how important it is to me to spend it with my close friends. Anyways I got upset because he had made no effort towards it at all and my birthday being on a Saturday in the middle of summer people's schedules fill up quickly. I finally just told him I would deal with it and invite everyone myself. Which I did, Monday morning. Took all of 10 minutes.

 

He came back in to town this evening. I spent the entire weekend taking care of his dog and I also volunteered to pick him up from the airport. Both things I was happy to do because I love him and that's what you do for people you love. Long story short (too late) we were hanging out at his place watching a tv show. A guy on the show he recognized and wanted to know where he knew this guy from. He pulled out his phone to look him up, he unlocked it and pic of a girl in a bikini at the beach (a pic that had obviously been taken from a camera phone or personal camera so this wasn't some random porn site pic) popped up on his screen. Less than 10 minutes prior he had been in the bathroom with his phone so I know that is where he was looking at the pic, I had seen him on his phone earlier. I didn't say anything to him about it, even though I know he realized I saw it. But I got quiet for the rest of the night and instead of staying there told him he needed to go to sleep because he had been travelling all day and I came back to my place.

 

I'm hurt that he made no effort to do anything about birthday even though he volunteered for the job knowing that I would rather do it myself and then within 2 hours of seeing him for the first time in 5 days he's in the bathroom looking at pics of some girl in a bikini...it looked like some manner of pic that would be on FB so I assume it is someone he knows. This really isn't even a question so much as a rant...is this what guys do? Am I expecting too much out of him/this relationship?

 

It was nice of him to offer to help out. Not really cool that he then did not contact them over the weekend. Being that it is coming up so soon. Not really respectful at all that he was spending time with you looking at pictures of someone else. Sounds as if he may be sort of taking you for granted.

[sumathi]

Men are always forgetful. They do not attach great importance to keep up their promise as women do. Your boyfriend must have forgotten what he had promised. Of course it does hurt, but do not attach great importance to it. As for the bikini girl, it makes him look like a flirt. Is he very caring towards you. If so you can ignore it as a mere human weakness. But if it is his nature then you should have a frank talk with him.

[Mr Scorpio]

No. You are not expecting too much. Perhaps he thought that a few days notice for your birthday would be sufficient? That would be unwise for the reasons you gave, but it might not necessarily negligent.

 

As for the bikini pic? Hard to say. Could have been entirely coincidental, could have been... well, you know what it could have been.

[RedRobin]

you have the right to expect from your partner what you would offer them.

 

 

If he is not reciprocating what you give him, then find someone else. Life is too short to tolerate relationship free loaders... male or female.

[Els]

I don't think you're expecting too much at all. The birthday thing, well, I'm divided on that, as some people are just naturally last-minute planners. It could well be that he had intended to do something about it this week, but you don't know. It's best that you just invite everyone yourself if you want to do something with close friends, and let him surprise you with his own personal celebration/gift instead.

 

The girl in bikini pic taken from his phone camera... ugh. If what you're guessing is true, then yes, really immature and not-too-great behaviour from him IMO. Instead of going quiet though, I think you should have said something about it and observed his response.

[cheshire_cat]

I really do appreciate everyones responses tonight.

 

You guys have made me feel a little less crazy.

 

We've had a few other things come up in our relationship within the past couple of months that have given me pause. He works at a hotel and apparently had a couple of 19 year old girls flirting with him for a few days while they were there. He told me about this and before they left said they gave him their numbers. I wasn't thrilled with that info. And I did something that I am not proud of and one morning after he left to go to work I looked at one of his notebooks he keeps. HE wrote down their numbers, email addresses, how long they were staying at the hotel and what they were there for (some modeling agency thing) along with indicating "2 cute blondes." I told him I found it and he immediately ripped it up and threw it way but still...the fact that he took all that info down upsets me.

 

The past few days coupled with the previous paragraph kinda bothers me. He says he loves me and wants to marry/have kids with me but this isn't what you do if you are in that relationship. Right?

[thekid36]

I really do appreciate everyones responses tonight.

 

You guys have made me feel a little less crazy.

 

We've had a few other things come up in our relationship within the past couple of months that have given me pause. He works at a hotel and apparently had a couple of 19 year old girls flirting with him for a few days while they were there. He told me about this and before they left said they gave him their numbers. I wasn't thrilled with that info. And I did something that I am not proud of and one morning after he left to go to work I looked at one of his notebooks he keeps. HE wrote down their numbers, email addresses, how long they were staying at the hotel and what they were there for (some modeling agency thing) along with indicating "2 cute blondes." I told him I found it and he immediately ripped it up and threw it way but still...the fact that he took all that info down upsets me.

 

The past few days coupled with the previous paragraph kinda bothers me. He says he loves me and wants to marry/have kids with me but this isn't what you do if you are in that relationship. Right?

 

His actions do not seem to be matching any of his words. This is definitely a cause for concern. Your doubt is definitely warranted. I would suggest talking with him so that he knows you are on to what he is dishing out. If he cannot start consistently showing you he cares, it may be time to move on. You deserve someone who completely cares. Not simply one who says that he does.

[cheshire_cat]

His actions do not seem to be matching any of his words. This is definitely a cause for concern. Your doubt is definitely warranted. I would suggest talking with him so that he knows you are on to what he is dishing out. If he cannot start consistently showing you he cares, it may be time to move on. You deserve someone who completely cares. Not simply one who says that he does.

 

Thank you. I appreciate both of your responses. And I agree with you that I think I am being taken for granted and his words are not matching his actions at all.

 

It just sucks because this is the only person that I thought I could possibly see myself with. I think our age difference (his 27 to my 33) is a huge part of our problem. He is still young and I am ready to settle down and have kids. Sadly I don't see that working for us.

[thekid36]

Thank you. I appreciate both of your responses. And I agree with you that I think I am being taken for granted and his words are not matching his actions at all.

 

It just sucks because this is the only person that I thought I could possibly see myself with. I think our age difference (his 27 to my 33) is a huge part of our problem. He is still young and I am ready to settle down and have kids. Sadly I don't see that working for us.

 

 

I know that this is not necessarily easy to hear. Just would rather be honest with you as opposed to trying to make light of it. The best solution going forward is not always initially the easiest one.

 

 

It definitely sucks because you have put so much hope into this one person. It's just that you happen to deserve extraordinary and he is not meeting you half-way. A relationship always has to go both ways.

 

 

It's not necessarily the age difference as it is the difference in where you both may be at maturity wise. You thus may be at two different points in life right now. Even as hard as it may be, much better to know some things sooner than later. When you are even more involved and invested.

[Sriracha]

It was nice of him to want to plan it, but like others said, he could just be a last minute planner.

 

Did you explain to him that it's important he contact your friends sooner rather than later because they typically need advanced notice? As a side note, if you typically spend every birthday with your close friends, I would imagine your friends have already mentally kept that date open until they confirmed plans with you anyways..

The whole birthday thing sounds like a total misunderstanding.

 

As for the bikini pic, so you think a girl sent him that as a text or like one of his buddies sent it to him?

 

I honestly think you're disappointed about the birthday planning going sour and now everything looks like a red flag. I've done that in the past, so I get it. Sounds like you need to talk to him and tell him how you feel. Definitely don't stew about it.

[rebeccasum69]

It’s not expecting too much if he offered to do it. It could have slipped his mind while he was on vacation. My boyfriend doesn’t really have a sense of urgency when it comes to stuff like that, like he doesn’t seem to realize that it should be done sooner rather than later, so it doesn’t necessarily mean he wasn’t going to do it or was blowing it off. Some people just tend to leave things to the last minute.

As far as the picture on his phone, I definitely think that is strange. To me, porn is one thing, but you made this sound like it was probably someone he knew which is definitely inappropriate. It will probably continue to bother you until you ask him about it. Has he done other stuff like this that makes you think he might not be totally faithful?