My boyfriend doesn't want me hanging out with my guy best friend!

[cutewing]

I'm stuck in a pretty difficult situation. It's quite a long read, but if you are willing to share your advice with me I am very appreciative of you taking the time and sharing your insight!

 

I have a best guy friend for 8 years now, and we basically grew up together. I really only had 2 friends the majority of my life before I met my boyfriend. I met my boyfriend last year and we've been together for what's about to be a year now. I've been a great partner to him and have treated him well to this day. He's been amazing to me right back. I am so appreciative and pretty lucky to have him by my side.

 

The problem is, he has a huge issue with me hanging out with my best guy friend alone. I'd like to add that my best guy friend is like family to me.. The brother I never had. For the 8 years we've been friends I can't say that I've been interested in him in a romantic way. I can't say for certain that he has never had any feelings for me but what I know for a fact is that I haven't made moves on him, and he hasn't made moves on me. We also hardly see each other because we live in different cities.

 

Me and my best guy friend and my other best friend (who is a girl) have been best friends together, just us 3 for so many years. We all kept this strong friendship through elementary school, high school and now university. My boyfriend has even met my two best friends and we have all hung out together multiple times. My best guy friend has been respectful to our relationship this whole time and has even kept his distance. My boyfriend even asked my best guy friend about me too, and he assured him that he has nothing to worry about.

 

The thing is, when me and my best guy friend hang out, it's purely platonic. We go out in public where everyone can see.. Grab a bite or go to the mall. There really isn't much to it. I barely even text him either.. Probably once a week or once every two maybe even 3 weeks sometimes. Me and him hardly hang out alone, and we probably hung out alone together about 5 times this whole year. Most of the time when we hang out, our mutual friends are there with us. I moved to a different city and we all got busy, but even still we maintain the friendship regardless of our busy lives.

 

Despite all of this, it's such a huge problem for my boyfriend that I hang out with him alone (hardly). He says he sees him as a threat, and he believes that guys and girls can never be just friends because one of them ultimately ends up falling for the other. I reassured him too and told him that even if he did make a move or he confessed his feelings towards me, I would handle the situation accordingly.

 

I told my boyfriend that I'm only focused on him and I won't put myself in a situation where another man can destroy what we have. I immediately cut ties with a man from that past that tried to resurface with me, and another man that I became friends with who got a little too close for comfort. My boyfriend didn't even need to express discomfort and I acted accordingly right away. It just seems like my boyfriend doesn't trust my judgement when it comes to my guy best friend, no matter how much I try to reassure him. It just comes off to me as insecure.

 

The thing is, there are other girls in my boyfriend's past too. His ex, some girls that he liked/liked him back, girls he's made out with on multiple occasions before he met me. I merely would inquire about them or tell him I was uncomfortable with him hanging out with them alone. He acts accordingly too and he keeps his distance from them. The only time id be uncomfortable with him hanging out with another girl alone is that she's either someone he shared romantic history with in the past, or a girl he became friends with after me that is a little too close for comfort and I can tell she's trying to home wreck. Other than that, he can hang out with other girls alone. If he had a best girl friend he can hang out with her alone. I just have to be introduced to her and get to know her.

 

I'm pretty secure in myself and I trust him and his judgement that he'll do what is necessary for our relationship, but he doesn't trust that I'll do that for him. He keeps telling me that he's cut off those girls and I'm not willing to do the same for him because I won't distance myself from my best guy friend. What I'm trying to say is... At least in my opinion.. He just cannot compare those girls he's shared romantic history with in the past to my best guy friend, because there's a completely different back story between the two.

 

Sadly, my best guy friend now knows about my boyfriends issue with him and I hanging out, and he even told my best girl friend that "it makes me (him) not want to hang out with her (me) anymore". It's ruining my friendship for no good reason. Like honestly, I can count on my fingers how many times I've hung out with him alone since me and my boyfriend became official and from that in itself, he sees him as such a BIG threat! Despite all of this, he won't hear me out. I've told him and reassured him MULTIPLE times. I keep repeating myself over and over and he's just too stubborn and so convinced that he's right and I'm the one being a bad partner to him. There's no breaking him no matter what I say.

 

He tried to compromise with me and told me that if I were to hang out alone with him, that I should cancel the plan or invite others to tag along. I simply cannot do that. It just seems unreasonable for me to. It's not about being stubborn. It's not about me not willing to make sure were "both good" in the relationship just like he is for me. I am my own individual, no one has possession over me. I'm not an object that you purchase at the store and have full rights over. I'm a human being and I have freedom to do what I want to do. I have my own hobbies, interests, and friends even before I met my boyfriend. I shouldn't have to change my life unnecessarily because I'm now in a relationship. Especially when my best guy friend isn't harming us! I simply will not submit to his request. I will not let a man try to take authority over me and try to control/dictate my life and the things I do and the people I spend my time with. Especially when I'm not doing anything wrong and neither are they.

 

I'm trying my best to fix this and understand him but he's being too closed minded and stubborn. He didn't even want me to reach out to strangers for advice like I am now (I did it anyway). He said that we don't know you guys, and you don't know us, and that I can't trust a "blog" or whatever where people have "nothing better to do" to give me advice. He says that it'll just brainwash me. To be honest, I feel like this is one of the best ways (reaching out to you guys) and I trust in it because it has worked for me in the past.

 

Ultimately, this whole situation just seems like a red flag for me. I've concluded that it's either of 3 things, or a combination of the 3. 1) he's insecure and has low self esteem. 2) he's controlling and emotionally manipulating me. 3) he has trust issues and/or doesn't trust me. Now if I bring these 3 things to his attention, I know he's going to get angry. I tried to fill in all the gaps and explain my situation to you guys with as much information I can provide to you. By reading this, what are you opinions? I'm very open to unbiased advice and opinions from all perspectives. If I am wrong about this, if I am the one who is at fault.. I will take full acknowledge of that!

 

Again, thanks so much for your time and advice! It is much appreciated.

[Keenly]

Your best friend of 8 years would never start making demands and telling you who you can and can not hang out with.

 

He is crossing the line with this expectation.

[TXGuy]

I know there is a lot more to this, but what stuck out to me was: you are adament that you should be able to hang out alone with your best guy friend, but your boyfriend should be prohibited from hanging out alone with his friends who happen to be women.

 

I understand you want to write the exception to the rule to specifically cover the unique facts of your BFF. Then you can claim your bf can also apply the same exception.

 

I think you are being unreasonable. But I don't think it matters too much because the chances of things working out with your bf are very low anyway. You should stick to your guns and choose your BFF over your bf.

 

Oh, and I would tone down the "I'm oppressed" attitude.

Edited July 22, 2014 by TXGuy

[Tbisb74]

Your 'best guy friend' is not your 'best guy friend'. That position should be held by your boyfriend. Your 'best guy friend' is an impediment to your own happiness and you seriously need to detach yourself from him, as soon as possible, as far as possible. I don't really care how close you are to him, there has to be a change to every situation, at one time or another. I think this is the time.

[marcjb]

Any opposite gender "friendship" should either turn into a friendship of the relationship, or be downgraded as an acquaintance. I understand from what you've stated, there hasn't been, but if there was ever any type of romance (emotional or physical) that "friend" needs to go away and be gone when a new relationship starts.

 

Does this guy also have a girlfriend? Why do you feel the need to hang out with your male best friend alone? It sounds to me like you want your cake and eat it too. If you want to do this kind of stuff, stay single. Your partner should always be your bestfriend.

 

If you plan on keeping "best guy friends" around, prepare yourself for a string of failed relationships.

Edited July 22, 2014 by marcjb

[cutewing]

Thanks for your input and being real with me! I forgot to add.. My boyfriend is my best friend and I am right back to him. He's #1 in my life. I've never been as close to someone as I am with him. What's different from him and my other best friends is that we're best friends and lovers at the same time. We're so comfortable with each other and what's great is the love we share for each other despite our flaws! I'm willing to work on this rough patch in our relationship as long as he's willing to open his mind and do the same.

[TXGuy]

Thanks for your input and being real with me! I forgot to add.. My boyfriend is my best friend and I am right back to him. He's #1 in my life. I've never been as close to someone as I am with him. What's different from him and my other best friends is that we're best friends and lovers at the same time. We're so comfortable with each other and what's great is the love we share for each other despite our flaws! I'm willing to work on this rough patch in our relationship as long as he's willing to open his mind and do the same.

 

That sounds like you are willing to talk about it as much as he wants as long as you get your way.

[cutewing]

I know there is a lot more to this, but what stuck out to me was: you are adament that you should be able to hang out alone with your best guy friend, but your boyfriend should be prohibited from hanging out alone with his friends who happen to be women.

 

I understand you want to write the exception to the rule to specifically cover the unique facts of your BFF. Then you can claim your bf can also apply the same exception.

 

I think you are being unreasonable. But I don't think it matters too much because the chances of things working out with your bf are very low anyway. You should stick to your guns and choose your BFF over your bf.

 

Oh, and I would tone down the "I'm oppressed" attitude.

 

I never said he was prohibited. In fact, I never told him he wasn't allowed to. I only said I was uncomfortable. I even said that he can hang out with other female friends alone, even if she was a female best friend. Also, you're basing the fate of my relationship off of a post. I'm being open minded about all perspectives and said I would acknowledge FULLY if I was truly the one at fault. I'm not choosing my best friend over my boyfriend, I'm not going to run into his arms anyway. I've thought about it before and I don't see myself in a relationship with my male best friend. I know that he won't be man enough for me to lead a relationship. He has trust issues and other underlying issues that makes it a deal breaker anyway. That's not my problem though. He's still a great friend. I have a feeling you didn't even thoroughly read my post anyway cause you're making such bold statements even after I have made sure to clear up those things in my original post.

[cutewing]

Any opposite gender "friendship" should either turn into a friendship of the relationship, or be downgraded as an acquaintance. I understand from what you've stated, there hasn't been, but if there was ever any type of romance (emotional or physical) that "friend" needs to go away and be gone when a new relationship starts.

Does this guy also have a girlfriend? Why do you feel the need to hang out with your male best friend alone? It sounds to me like you want your cake and eat it too. If you want to do this kind of stuff, stay single. Your partner should always be your bestfriend.

If you plan on keeping "best guy friends" around, prepare yourself for a string of failed relationships.

 

No, my male best friend doesn't have a girlfriend. He is seeing someone though. I've met her as well - she was invited to his birthday at the club and I brought my boyfriend along. Also, it's not so much the need to hang out alone, it's the fact that I don't understand why I have to stop what I've always done before the relationship. I'll say it again - my boyfriend is my best friend. He's #1 to me. He's my lover at the same time.

 

I just don't think he can force me to do anything, when I'm freely allowing him to hang out with other girls, even ones who are close to him. It makes complete sense if I had a problem as well with him hanging out with other females alone. The truth is, I don't.. I can't force it upon myself to feel that way. He has his freedom because I trust him and his judgement. Like I said... I won't tell him what to do and what not to do, I can only express discomfort.

[cutewing]

That sounds like you are willing to talk about it as much as he wants as long as you get your way.

 

I don't have a problem with him hanging out with other females though. That's why I'm finding it difficult to share common ground with him on this. It only makes sense to have this agreement if both parties aren't okay with them hanging out with the opposite gender.

[Tbisb74]

You guys are going to have to discuss your jointly-evident trust/confidence levels.

If you trust his judgement, just what is it exactly that makes you then feel discomfort?

You see, you can't make things like this conditional. You either lack the confidence to know you can keep your man, or you lack the confidence in him to not fend imagined advances off and not succumb to temptation. You are trying to convince yourself everything is okay when it patently isn't. And obviously his misgivings about you, match yours. You need to discuss this. How old are you both, by the way?

[Keenly]

Your 'best guy friend' is not your 'best guy friend'. That position should be held by your boyfriend. Your 'best guy friend' is an impediment to your own happiness and you seriously need to detach yourself from him, as soon as possible, as far as possible. I don't really care how close you are to him, there has to be a change to every situation, at one time or another. I think this is the time.

 

So you are supposed to abandon your opposite sex friends when in a relationship to ease tour partners insecurity?

 

Then I'm assuming when that relationships ends, because statistically most do, you have to do that awkward.crawling back to your friends and hope they forgive you for ditching them.because your boyfriend or girlfriend was unable handle it.

[marcjb]

No, my male best friend doesn't have a girlfriend. He is seeing someone though. I've met her as well - she was invited to his birthday at the club and I brought my boyfriend along. Also, it's not so much the need to hang out alone, it's the fact that I don't understand why I have to stop what I've always done before the relationship. I'll say it again - my boyfriend is my best friend. He's #1 to me. He's my lover at the same time.

 

 

No, my male best friend doesn't have a girlfriend. He is seeing someone though. I've met her as well - she was invited to his birthday at the club and I brought my boyfriend along. Also, it's not so much the need to hang out alone, it's the fact that I don't understand why I have to stop what I've always done before the relationship

Like I said, you are in a relationship now. A big problem is that you want to continue to act single. You can't act single if you are in a relationship.

 

I'll say it again - my boyfriend is my best friend. He's #1 to me. He's my lover at the same time.

It doesn't sound that way.

 

I just don't think he can force me to do anything, when I'm freely allowing him to hang out with other girls, even ones who are close to him. It makes complete sense if I had a problem as well with him hanging out with other females alone. The truth is, I don't.. I can't force it upon myself to feel that way. He has his freedom because I trust him and his judgement. Like I said... I won't tell him what to do and what not to do, I can only express discomfort.

Of course he can't force you to do anything, but what he can do is say what he is willing to tolerate if the relationship is to work. He should not be a hypocrite and also be able to do the same thing which he has a problem with you doing, but I also think that if you did not have your guy friend to hang out with, you would have a much bigger problem, and not be ok with him hanging out with his female friends. It sounds like you just want a pass to continue your behavior, that's why you are ok with him doing the same.

[marcjb]

So you are supposed to abandon your opposite sex friends when in a relationship to ease tour partners insecurity?

 

Then I'm assuming when that relationships ends, because statistically most do, you have to do that awkward.crawling back to your friends and hope they forgive you for ditching them.because your boyfriend or girlfriend was unable handle it.

 

I'm sure there are a high percentage of those failed relationships which end due to problems caused by for mentioned opposite gender "friendships".

 

Any opposite gender "friendship" should either turn into a friendship of the relationship, or be downgraded as an acquaintance. I understand from what you've stated, there hasn't been, but if there was ever any type of romance (emotional or physical) that "friend" needs to go away and be gone when a new relationship starts.

[TXGuy]

 

I just don't think he can force me to do anything, when I'm freely allowing him to hang out with other girls, even ones who are close to him. It makes complete sense if I had a problem as well with him hanging out with other females alone. The truth is, I don't.. I can't force it upon myself to feel that way. He has his freedom because I trust him and his judgement. Like I said... I won't tell him what to do and what not to do, I can only express discomfort.

 

From what I read, when you 'expressed discomfort' he adjusted his behavior to address your discomfort. When he expressed discomfort ("it's a huge problem"), you basically told him he needed to get over it. When your BF suggested some (reasonable?) boundaries, you went on a mini rant about not being owned or controlled.

 

Your bf is not 'forcing' you to do anything, as evidenced by the fact that you are ignoring and dismissing his concerns. It simply boils down to the fact that one of you will concede or you will go your separate ways. You think your boyfriend should concede. We don't have enough information to see how adament your bf is at this point.

 

If things don't work out, it isn't that big of a deal. Very few sophomore (junior?) boyfriends turn into husbands you happily grow old with (though some do). This interaction is probably a good excercise to go through. I think you both will learn something from it (no matter what is decided).

Edited July 22, 2014 by TXGuy

[d0nnivain]

New romantic partners have to deal with pre-existing opposite sex friends. the friends were here 1st & presumably will still be here with the romances fizzle.

 

 

When the opposite sex "friends" are EXs, the waters are a bit murkier but depending on the time that has passed, maybe.

 

 

Your male friend seems to be trying. Since you won't pull back, he is backing off. That plus the talk the two had should have been enough to reassure your BF that nothing is going on. People who rant & carry on that opposite sex people can't be "just friends" are telling you that they don't have the willpower to avoid temptation. Since they don't trust themselves they can't trust you.

 

 

I have never been able to sustain a relationship with any man who couldn't tolerate all of my buddies. Fortunately, DH loves all my buddies & has actually usurped them from me. They'd rather hang out with him then me. lol

 

 

If at the end of the day your BF doesn't trust you, how strong of a foundation do you actually think your relationship has?

[cutewing]

So you are supposed to abandon your opposite sex friends when in a relationship to ease tour partners insecurity?

 

Then I'm assuming when that relationships ends, because statistically most do, you have to do that awkward.crawling back to your friends and hope they forgive you for ditching them.because your boyfriend or girlfriend was unable handle it.

 

I agree with this sentiment completely. I learned that you are not supposed to abandon your friends because you got into a relationship. They were there before the relationship! You never know what may happen in the future, and for what ever reason you may not last. I've seen enough people cut off their friends .. even family, only to ultimately be alone and lose everyone once the relationship comes to and end. Thanks for your insight!

[cutewing]

Thank you all for being real with me - I truly appreciate it! I love raw honesty.

 

But honestly, I forgot to add, me and my male best friend both established that we regard each other like brother and sister. I told him that he's like family to me, and that him and my best girl friend are the siblings I never had. He told me himself that I'm like a sister to him.

 

I now realize and accept that our boundaries don't align. My male friend and I hardly hang out alone anyways. I'm sure I can make this sacrifice for my boyfriend. I know my boyfriend is not ill-intentioned. He just loves me and wants the security of our relationship. He wants to be assured that I value us as much as he does. I now understand that I may have come off like I do not value our relationship enough because of this. I now understand that I am being a little too selfish and I was too busy being adamant about me living my own life, that I did not empathize nor bother to cooperate with him.

 

I will tell him that today when I see him. I feel bad about being so stubborn, but I will acknowledge my faults completely and fix this with him! I know that this is just a rough patch in our relationship. It's normal for a relationship to have problems as long as both make an effort to make things right. I love him enough and I am mature enough to do my part in making this relationship last. Thanks so much again for opening my eyes on this matter and giving me your constructive criticism.

[Quiet Storm]

I personally don't think it is unreasonable to ask your partner not to be alone with same sex friends. I think boundaries are important, and are a good way to protect & show respect for your relationship. I've been with my husband 23 years, and although we trust each other, we wouldn't be comfortable with same sex alone time.

 

There really isn't much to it. I barely even text him either.. Probably once a week or once every two maybe even 3 weeks sometimes. Me and him hardly hang out alone, and we probably hung out alone together about 5 times this whole year.

 

If there isn't much to your friendship with the guy best friend, then why is it so hard for you to let it go? Your boyfriend isn't demanding that you cease contact with the guy- just that you aren't with him alone. Why the insistence on being alone with the guy? I don't get it.

 

It seems like your pride & ego are driving your choices- I will not submit! I will not be controlled! You are so worried about the power in this relationship that you are ignoring something that really bothers your boyfriend. Maybe he is insecure about this guy- you will respond to that by purposely doing what bothers him most? Most men aren't 100% secure and comfortable with their GF being alone with other guys. Instead of viewing it as a weakness and thinking your BF needs to "get over it", maybe you should be considerate of his feelings. My husband is insecure about some things, and I do what I can to ease those feelings because I love him and I care about the way he feels. Having sporadic alone time with another guy wouldn't be more important to me than that.

 

You have to decide what is more important. I doubt you will get your BF to be OK with this. He may accept this to keep from losing you, but it won't ease his anxiety & could result in him questioning your loyalty. You seem to think that because you are OK with him being alone with certain girls, he should be OK with you being alone with guys, too. Well, different things bother different people. He is a completely different person than you, and his comfort level is not the same as yours. You are so wrapped up in changing the way he feels - "You should not feel this way. You are wrong for feeling this way. I don't feel this way, so you aren't supposed to feel this way, either"- that you disregard & minimize his feelings. You just need to accept that this bothers him, and decide whether his feelings are important enough to give up the alone time with this friend. Stop trying to reason with him (i.e. change him), it just makes it look like you are protecting your friendship over your relationship.

 

If he said to you, "I don't want you to have any contact at all with this guy, no texting, no emails, no meetings, and I don't trust you so I will be checking your phone."- that's controlling. I think setting boundaries like this is not about insecurity, but about protecting & respecting your relationship. If you have an amazing relationship, then you want to protect, respect & nurture it because it has value in your life. Your BF is attempting to set boundaries to ease his comfort level & protect what he loves. There is nothing wrong with that, and couples agree to boundaries all the time. You have a right to disagree & disregard the boundaries, and he has a right to get upset when you do that.

 

If you are seeing red flags and questioning the relationship, it may be best to just break up. Long term relationships involve compromise & sacrifice. You don't seem willing to sacrifice this important alone time. Instead, you want your BF to compromise further, and not only accept contact, group meetings, phone calls, etc., but also alone time with the guy. I think his request is reasonable, and if he is as amazing as you say, then his feelings should matter to you.

Edited July 22, 2014 by Quiet Storm

[Quiet Storm]

Cutewing- I didn't see your last post before I replied. I think you are doing the right thing, and I wish you the best!

[cutewing]

Cutewing- I didn't see your last post before I replied. I think you are doing the right thing, and I wish you the best!

 

Thank you for the wonderful advice! I will carry this mindset forward with me into my relationship with my boyfriend. We all make mistakes, and now I realize where I went wrong. I'm very appreciative of everyone's comments!

[marcjb]

New romantic partners have to deal with pre-existing opposite sex friends. the friends were here 1st & presumably will still be here with the romances fizzle.

 

Except it is usually a self perpetuating cycle where a person will put their "friend(s)" before their relationship because they figure the relationship won't last but their "friend(s)" will.

 

They have already set the relationship up for failure by doing this, especially when most of these relationships fail due to this form of self-sabotage.

 

I'm sure in a lot of cases the person who insists on these opposite gender "friendships" end up old & alone because when their "friends" get older and end up in a serious relationship of their own. Their partner is not going to tolerate this behavior either.

 

This leaves the person wondering "what went wrong" when they didn't want to listen to someone that was an otherwise very compatible person that could have been their husband or wife, who could have stood by them throughout their life.

 

There is the delusion that their opposite gender "friends" will stick around for life. Subconsciously, these people are just creating backup options. When it's too late, they will realize that they are going to have no options.

 

Then there's the issue of the person thinking it's ok to make new friends of the opposite sex while in a relationship? Sorry, no, that's the exact same thing as to continue dating.

 

Friends of the relationship are fine, acquaintances are fine, but an opposite gender friend who someone spends time with alone should only be that person's partner.

 

If someone wants to act single, they should remain single.

Edited July 22, 2014 by marcjb

[d0nnivain]

marcjb

 

 

Putting the friends before the romance is a bad thing but allowing the romance to dictate who you can be friends with doesn't work either.

 

 

My husband knows he's my # 1 but he also doesn't freak out if I spend time with guys who are my friends.

[joystickd]

Women with male best friends are a funny issue. As a guy that is a romantic partner sometimes he can be in a bad position because women sometimes hate to put up clear boundaries and sometimes those friendships end up being more like emotional relationships. Sometimes these are the same women that if the situation was reversed would be upset if their man had a female best friend and they spent a lot of time alone. It's not the fact of her cheating it's as my grandmother would say " It just don't look good".

[marcjb]

marcjb

 

 

Putting the friends before the romance is a bad thing but allowing the romance to dictate who you can be friends with doesn't work either.

 

 

My husband knows he's my # 1 but he also doesn't freak out if I spend time with guys who are my friends.

 

You are in the minority. What you and your husband have will not fly with most people. I'd say at least 90% of the population. From my point of view, I'd also say your husband is either a doormat or just does not feel as "in love" with you as you may think if he is ok with you spending alone time with other men.

 

Even I gave the benefit of the doubt to my ex until she made a new male friend, started gas lighting and then dropped the "I don't feel the same way about you" and "I love you but I'm not in love with you".

 

"Friends" (not acquaintances) of the opposite which are not friends of both people in the relationship, especially new "friends" (same thing as to continue dating) is an emotional affair in the making. Never again will I give someone the benefit of the doubt on this issue. I've learned my lesson. Yes, trust is important, but blind trust gets you no where. I will not be the gullible / oblivious / doormat / boyfriend / fiancé again. I'm far too aware of the projecting blame game and "insecure" / "trust" card pulling now to fall for it again.

Edited July 22, 2014 by marcjb