Finding Someone Who Understands You on a Core Level

[mohhoss213]

To women, I want to ask you what it means to find a relationship with someone who understands you on a core level. I ask because I've never been involved in a romantic relationship before and so I'm trying to be more conscious to find a greater purpose behind a relationship. Does it make you feel more empowered to find someone who gets you at the essence of your being? Any other reasons and perspectives are welcomed. Also, in the same token, in what ways does your partner make you feel fulfilled?

[kelly001]

I can't speak for all woman but I know what I want, need and expect out of a deeply connected relationship with a man.

 

First there's attention..I think a lot of woman misread men by the amount of attention they receive. If it's too much, too little..smothering is the worst. There needs to be a healthy natural balance when it comes to text, calling etc...

The one thing I hate is playing unsure games on the phone..

 

 

Really getting to know one another as best you can before sex. I think it makes a huge difference in a relationship and makes sex even better.

Complete physical desire and a emotional connection is huge. I think it's the most important part of staying together.

 

Make sure both of you are on the same page. Sometimes people can open up their souls to get what they want and some one get's hurt in the end.

 

It's not much but hope it helps..

[mohhoss213]

To kelly001,

 

Thank you for your reply. I haven't gotten too many replies lately haha...I follow some of what you're saying and I just want to clear up some misconceptions on the points I don't follow. First, I agree that emotional connection and physical desire go hand in hand. So, are you saying that having a deeper understanding/connection with a man makes it easier for a woman to open up her "soul" and feel that comfort/safety of having someone by her side for support and also the opportunity to have enriching life experiences? You also say that you have a firm set of wants, needs, and expectations. Wants, needs and expectations, in my opinion, carry different connotations in the context of a relationship. I will give some of my personality traits/characteristics as an example. Admittedly, I have a limited capacity for emotional understanding and processing, so I might not always be able to express or make sense of my feelings initially. To some women, I have been seen as aloof and insensitive. I don't want them to see my reserved nature and wanting to keep to myself as a reflection on them. I want them to understand it's my issue that I have been trying to address through behavioral and cognitive therapy. Truthfully, I have this fear that a woman will look to have her needs (affection, emotional connection, etc.) met elsewhere if I don't meet her expectations as a guy who has great emotional understanding and intelligence. Emotions and affection might not come as easily to me, but I am making a conscious effort to change that. This is something that is going to be a lifelong effort for me and I'm sure it is like that for others because we all have different social and emotional capacities. If there a lot of other great things about the guy (i.e. me) then do you think this is an expectation that can be up for discussion and compromise in the context of a relationship? It's like people who have different love languages. I want it to be where my partner doesn't feel hurt or resentment about how I show love is different and less frequent than her love. I am trying to gain more emotional understanding to better relate to my partner. But, I would like to know how to get a woman to relate to my point of view in this situation? I'm sure you agree relationships are about give and take. I don't want a woman to give up her core needs and wants that affect her identity or right to live a fulfilling life. But, would you agree having a give and take about expectations might lead to a deeper and more understanding relationship? These discussions are hard to have and I admit it's hard to truly gauge another person's perspective. But, I believe, that the insight gained from these conversations helps develop the skills to work towards understanding another person's perspective and practicing empathy. To me that is the true essence of love. Btw, thank your for reading that whole short essay if you got to this point haha

[mohhoss213]

To kelly001,

 

I just read your reply again and I think I just blew my response out of proportion haha...You were just talking your ideal wants, needs and expectations once you have that deep connection. I'm sorry I didn't meant to undermine any of your thoughts. I guess this is one of those philosophical questions I had on my mind and I wanted to hear your perspective on it and I used that topic about wants, needs and expectations as a vehicle to start my rant. lol...You're still welcome to reply to that long thread, but you don't have to since I just went off on a tangent.

[Giggle]

I don't want a woman to give up her core needs and wants that affect her identity or right to live a fulfilling life.

 

People will though. They are deperate for loce or to keep you, so they give up their core needs/wants. My stbx is like that. We talked about lots of things and he seemed to be right with me on most things. I remember telling him towards the beginning that I could tell that I could run right over him and didn't like that. I pushed and pushed for him to be who he was. He kept being who he thought I wanted him to be.

 

There will be people suit you better. There will be some whose love language is completely off from yours and I think that's one of those areas you just can't compromise on. If it doesn't mesh, its always going to be a struggle.

[mohhoss213]

To Giggle,

 

I respectfully disagree that people need to have the same love language to mesh together on an intimate level. As an example, let's say there was a man who expressed his love through gift and a woman who preferred words of affirmation. To some men, they truly believe the greatest gift they can provide is to be able to financially support the family. From another perspective, this could be seen as the ultimate sign of commitment towards having a secure future. Of course, to an extent the man should be more receptive and understanding towards a woman's needs. Maybe the man could do some help around the house with the woman. That way he feels important and is providing, while the woman gets that quality, intimate time at home that gives her that affirmation. I'm suggesting coming from a give and take perspective. We are all suitable to more than one person in this world. There will always be little differences and I think love language is one of those little differences. The important thing, to me, in the big picture is that you share the same ideal of love and do what you can to keep that alive in a relationship. There are always different interpretations of love. Trying to see and understand things from a different perspective allows you to see all the positives from your partner more and be more open to all the simplistic intricacies of love. Plus, it can prove to be a spiritually enlightening experience that teaches us to embrace and understand the changes and ups and downs of love we experience with our partner. I agree it is less hassle to find a partner who meshes with your love language. But, isn't there beauty in struggle and working to connect with your partner from their eyes? It's once of those things that has to be a mutual effort.

[mohhoss213]

One more thing, I don't discount compatibility and it's important in a relationship. But, to me, it's even more important for both parties to come from that mutual place of understanding to be able to share fulfilling life experiences.

[iiiii]

To me, that means someone who understands me really well, and who still appreciates both my good and "bad" points, and encourages me to be and do the best I can.

 

I don't mean someone who will put up with me being a brat (hey, who isn't a brat some days!). I mean someone who does not want to change the fact that I am introverted and shy, or that I am independent, ambitious, and have some life goals that might be considered unusual.

 

I don't know if it makes me feel more empowered, but it does make you feel deeply loved and very safe.

[todreaminblue]

for me being a woman and a multiple personality is i let someone get to know the core of me ...which actually drives me to live, that is blind when it comes to people, literally blind and forgives all things, a heart that has endured all things some of them horrible, but still can love...that guy has to feel and know how hard that actually is because the defenses are extreme because what i have been through for me is extreme as a child and growing up to keep going with faith...my heart is courageous and special......me i am scared crapless......of my heart getting hurt.....

 

so if a guy has gotten through my defenses ....chances are he stays in my heart ..yeah he stays......doesn't mean i have to though.....i truly believe if a guy knew em at my core he wouldnt treat me badly at all, so in saying that ...i don't think or feel really a guy has gotten to know all of me.....my acceptance of being a multiple is only recent......my ex believes that i am though when i discussed it...it makes eprfect sense lookign back....i am nto crazy........but when i was with him he didnt truly know how I really felt or who i was......because my heart went behind a wall when he abused my trust.....

 

for a guy to have my heart......i would have to be able to trust him with it...that is my core and for me to find a guy who can have my heart is what i am looking for.....a guy who deserves to have it.......and who loves me regardless that it takes effort and time with me to know who i am...who doesnt think i am a freak or creepy or treat me like one..every part of me....i guess they wont be bored much...

 

 

 

in my dreams......i talk to a guy at heart level and he listenes intently.......it would be really sweet to be real when i awake........maybe...one day....it will be......until then ...walls are there for a very good reason...deb

[A O]

To women, I want to ask you what it means to find a relationship with someone who understands you on a core level. I ask because I've never been involved in a romantic relationship before and so I'm trying to be more conscious to find a greater purpose behind a relationship. Does it make you feel more empowered to find someone who gets you at the essence of your being? Any other reasons and perspectives are welcomed. Also, in the same token, in what ways does your partner make you feel fulfilled?

Its nice to be understood, it feels friggin awesome. But this is just one component of a relationship. More importantly, you can get this from your close friends, workmates or even family also.

 

What you're looking for first and foremost in a relationship is physical attraction, a person has to get your heart pumping, and this attraction is what underpins most relationships.

 

To be understood by someone or to understand someone is all about communication and the more you have in common then the more likely you're going to 'get' that person or vice versa. Again, this is a beautiful thing but there are other things that I deem more important than this, namely physical attraction and a person's behavior, in short, how they treat you and how they wish to be treated. Because after all, all the looks in the world, all the 'core-bonding', all the humour ans so forth, it all means jack if a person is cold, mean, selfish and so forth.