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Am I being Played??


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Onebeautifulsoul1

Hello everyone. I'm new to this community and I need some advice. A few months ago I started dating this guy I am now in love with. We met under a business circumstance. We started talking more and more, which lead us to hanging out, which lead us to having a romantic relationship. He pursued me with the usual texting/calling me every morning, texting me throughout the day and calling or seeing me after work.

 

He eventually told me that he was in love with me. I told him I was falling him love with him as well. We get along so well. We are both goofy as hell and we like a lot of the same things. We never get bored. We talk a whole lot. He can te when I'm bothered about something without me saying it... This is when he takes time to see what's bothering me so we can "talk" about it and solve it. He always tells me that he loves taking to me and being with me. We began talking about our future. He told me he sees himself marrying me and having more kids with me ( he has two from his previous marriage).

 

He is so attentive towards me and when we are out, or with friends... They notice how attentive he is towards me. It got to the point that he wanted me to meet his kids so that we can spend more time together and continue binding. He revealed he was afraid of me meeting his kids because his ex would make sure that he never sees them again if he had them around any other woman. So we continued our being together, falling in love more and more, then finally he brought his kids to meet me. They would come and we would spend entire weekends together. Then one day, the children told the ex about me.

 

After she called threatening him, His attentiveness changed. The issue is for the past two weeks, his calling/texting/seeing me has altered. Instead of seeing me everyday, he sees me maybe three times a week. Him and the kids spent the last weekend with me, but not this weekend. This week he has been acting aloof. Then we he comes to talk to me he says that this situation is new for him and he is trying to figure out what to do. He wants to go to court for custody so that she doesn't hide the kids from him (like she did before). I am the first woman he kids has seen him with and the ex is not happy about it all. He says that he is scared of what she might do and he is trying to figure this out. Lastly, he says that he loves me, he wants to build a future with me, he wants kids with me and not to feel that his distance has changed how he feels for me.

 

He has been saying this for the past two weeks, which is right whe she found out about me. Him and the kids were over last night, but they didn't spend the night. I was shocked.

 

So my questioned is if you are trying to build a life with me, then why is he allowing her threats to control what he does with me? He texted me today saying that he misses me and all that. I didn't respond because I feel that if you do you would be with me.

 

I have made suggestions on going to court, but he hasn't. I won't say anything else because I know it's a touchy situation. It just seems simple to me. Which is why I'm trying to figure out why does he have to slow our communication and time with each other down to deal with an issue he is not dealing with? Court seems to be the only option. I'm trying not to end a relationship that I have been the happiest in, ever. And based on experience, I run at the first sign of trouble. I don't want to be played and I don't want to waste time.

 

Any thoughts, suggestions, comments...please!

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Onebeautifulsoul1

Going on 3 1/2 years...

 

It ended about 5 years ago

 

We are in our 30's... I am older than he is.

 

 

He just moved back to California about two years ago...

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Onebeautifulsoul1

He told me that they really didn't get along. He married because she had a child when they were 19 and because his father wasn't in his life, he wanted to make sure he was in his children's life. He said he felt pressured in marrying her and that he felt that he made a mistake rushing into a marriage so young when he knew they were going two totally different directions. So after the first year, she moved back home (Cali) and stayed where he was, completed college and began his life there. Finally came back here 2 years ago.

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His ex may be concerned he isn't spending as much focused time on the kids.

 

Give him time to balance things accordingly. His kids should be a main focus - and that can be difficult for most gals.

 

If you require more attention from your man - then it may be best to date a guy without kids from his prior marriage.

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So my questioned is if you are trying to build a life with me, then why is he allowing her threats to control what he does with me?

 

I think it depends upon what she's threatening and how much freedom she's been given regarding the children. If she has sole custody and he only has visitation rights, the ball is, technically, in her court unless she goes completely overboard and prevents all visitation. If she does go overboard, your boyfriend will be spending thousands in attorney fees to prove her violation of the court order. Then, if he wants to attempt to gain custody, that's even more $$.

 

In this situation, the way you have described it, the ex holds a lot of power and, if your boyfriend wasn't a dedicated father, she wouldn't have much power at all. Therefore, he's not withdrawing because he favors her opinion over yours. He's simply trying to remain on good terms with her while figuring out his next step because his children come first. And that will be true ALL of the time. When you're dating a man who has children, you cannot expect him to move heaven and earth for you or sacrifice his own children to be with you. It's just not realistic.

 

You also have to anticipate that, when the children are involved, the ex must be involved. There are lots of factors that could be at play here. It's easy to make her out to be the crazy, jealous, vindictive ex-wife, but is it possible there's another side to this? Is her anger warranted, here? What are her main points of contention? Is she really angry that he's dating or is she angry that a) she wasn't told the children were meeting you and/or b) the children are spending the night with someone she doesn't know in a location she's not been made aware of and/or c) she objects to the two of you sleeping together in the presence of the children?

 

I think you both need to figure out how your relationship can co-exist with his situation. Maybe it involves more open communication with the ex-wife. Maybe it means you see each other when he doesn't have the kids. I don't think you're being 'played' and, if you're happy with him and the relationship is a strong one, then I don't think you're wasting your time.

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Onebeautifulsoul1

Laurelin- I appreciate your response and outlook. It's hard to look at things objectively when you are emotionally tied to it. Thank you.

 

I totally agree with you. He has been doing research in regards to filing for custody, attorney fees etc. I think this is a lot of pressure for him.

In regards to her contentions, she stated that she just doesn't want another "b****" around her children. I really don't know what to make her out to be. I am willing for her to meet me and etc, but that's not what she is concernedc about.

 

The relationship is strong and I know it's worth it... This part is just new to me. He has also stated this is new for him because he hasn't had his children around anyone he has dated.

 

I will continue to be patient and supportive of him. It does seem like he is trying to please her wishes while figuring out what to do. When you have been in failed relationships you began to wonder sometimes about the person you are with, especially when the relationship seems too good. We have talked about marriage and having children recently and he told me on Friday that this is what he wants to progress towards with me. It seems it will take awhile now that this situation is at hand. I am very happy with him and I hope this situation can work out for all.

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He revealed he was afraid of me meeting his kids because his ex would make sure that he never sees them again if he had them around any other woman.

 

In USA can divorced women arbitrarily do this when it comes to custody of the children. Get stroppy over another woman being involved in their exes life and prevent access? It cant be true, unless she makes up a bunch of BS to support it, saying he is neglecting the kids and the new gf is a nasty to the kids.

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Onebeautifulsoul1

Exactly- that's why he would have to go to court to get some type custody rights. That will protect everyone in my opinion.

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