Betsy_Beth Posted July 12, 2014 Share Posted July 12, 2014 (edited) Hello everyone, My friend is having this confusing situation with her bf and I have no idea how to help or what to say. She had a fight with her bf, they decided they should give each other some space for now. But as soon as he left for this long business trip (visiting few states) he started texting her (every or every second day). Few pics, few lines of usual conversation, nothing crazy. A week after, he visited another state and a girl he once had feelings for (but now a very close friend). My friend wasn't happy about it but she knows they are in touch (the girl has a bf) and it was fine. However, for five days that he was there she didn't get a single text but as soon as he got to another state he went back to usual texting. She is soooo upset with this and I think it is not ok (especially because he knows my friend is jealous and they had fights before because she wasnt sure if he was over that girl). Not sure if we are overreacting though. Some insight please Edited July 12, 2014 by Betsy_Beth Link to post Share on other sites
I am Bud Posted July 12, 2014 Share Posted July 12, 2014 Dear Betsy_Beth To the extent that he is contacting her on a frequent basis should indicate that he still values the relationship and that he doesn't want to loose her. Had he been seriously angry with her or contemplating a breakup then he would definitely not be texting her on a regular basis. In that he is, shows that he still cares and that the argument that they had is not really that major in his book. They say that absence makes the heart go fonder and the worst thing that she can do right now is judge his faithfulness based on the number of texts that she receives or become suspicious about what he is doing on his business trip with other women or ex's. Your friend has to realise that she has to deal with this issue of jealousy less it drives a further wedge in their relationship. Even though they both decided for some space he is still texting her frequently, most likely to placate her jealous demeanor. She should gain encouragement from that and not focus on his ex. They say that whatever you focus on you believe and feel, whether it's true or not. Because she is choosing to focus on his ex it will continue to enflame her jealous nature. She has to focus on the good things that they share in the relationship. I'm not sure whether it's practical or not but if you have access to her boyfriend you could ask him to ask this girl to pen an e-mail to your friend to say that nothing is going on between them. But if her boyfriend thinks that it's a silly idea then it is his right not to ask his friend for this favor. In this life, we do not own anybody, people chose or choose not to be with somebody. The thing with jealous people is that the more that they try to control somebody or a relationship the more that they are creating a negative imbalance in their life. Being that nature loves balance something eventually will give way or go away in order to restore this balance. Help her by asking her not to focus on jealousy or to feed into it with negative thoughts. The more she thinks about it the more it will grow. Good luck with it - Bud Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted July 12, 2014 Share Posted July 12, 2014 If your friend & this guy are giving each other space, what does that mean? If it means they are on a break or are broken up, he was free to do anything with anybody. The reality is, once he was near this other girl he had a bit of a social life while on the road. Other than at that stop he's probably bored & lonely in his hotel with lots of time to miss & contact your friend. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Betsy_Beth Posted July 12, 2014 Author Share Posted July 12, 2014 Thanks for your reply. I know she has to deal with jealousy but if she was ok with him visiting her ( I am sure there is nothing between them just not sure if he is over her). She is with her bf for the last two years. What bothers me and my friend is the fact that he couldnt find two min to text her (at least to show her she is important). It feels like she was important until he saw this other girl and then texting became too much. My friend texting him once while he was there but his reply was short and he didnt ask anything so the conversation was done in two texts. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Betsy_Beth Posted July 12, 2014 Author Share Posted July 12, 2014 If your friend & this guy are giving each other space, what does that mean? If it means they are on a break or are broken up, he was free to do anything with anybody. The reality is, once he was near this other girl he had a bit of a social life while on the road. Other than at that stop he's probably bored & lonely in his hotel with lots of time to miss & contact your friend. On the break means he knew he will be away for a month but obviously he meant to see her once he gets back. Actually he is not alone ( even though it is a business trip). Not sure how lonely he is but he is being around people he is friends with all the time. Link to post Share on other sites
Gaeta Posted July 12, 2014 Share Posted July 12, 2014 Your friend needs to understand what 'giving each other space' means. Why does she expect the texts to be coming in each day? They are giving each other 'space'. So, she needs to stop concentrating on him what he's doing and concentrate on herself. They're suppose to be using this time to reflect on this relationship. If he felt the need to ask for space then she should be using this time to figure out why they (he)needed space. She's not going to fix this relationship by cligning to her phone. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Betsy_Beth Posted July 12, 2014 Author Share Posted July 12, 2014 Your friend needs to understand what 'giving each other space' means. Why does she expect the texts to be coming in each day? They are giving each other 'space'. So, she needs to stop concentrating on him what he's doing and concentrate on herself. They're suppose to be using this time to reflect on this relationship. If he felt the need to ask for space then she should be using this time to figure out why they (he)needed space. She's not going to fix this relationship by cligning to her phone. If they agreed they need some space why would he text her? Nothing really changed in their relationship and they were talking every day ( my friend was happy about it) but I don't understand that he didn't feel the need to text her in those four days ( and his reply to her text was so annoying, like yeah I am fine blah blah and that's it) especially that he knows how she feels about this other girl. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Betsy_Beth Posted July 12, 2014 Author Share Posted July 12, 2014 I should add that their relationship is the way it is because my friend knows he cares about her and likes her but she is not sure he can ever love her enough ( the way she would want it). And this four days silence is just.... I can't imagine if i cared about someone and have the habit of talking to that person not to text in those four days especially if I knew the other person was bothered by this visit. Link to post Share on other sites
spiderowl Posted July 12, 2014 Share Posted July 12, 2014 This is confusing. Either they are giving each other space and break from each other or they are not. It sounds like he was just going away on business and this has been misinterpreted as giving each other space by one or the other. If they don't usually have arguments and this time they did, it could be that neither of them knows how to handle this situation or has the trust that it can be resolved. This could be inexperience or it could mean that the argument was about something significant in the relationship that cannot be easily 'cured'. He kept in touch for a while, while he was lonely, and then stopped when he met the female friend. Yes, if I was your friend I would be put out by that. If the relationship was dodgy at the time as well, it would be another minus point. It sounds to me like neither of them are sure they want to be with the other but are keeping up some sort of contact to hedge their bets and it's actually failing to help cure anything. If he can't be bothered to reply much while with his female friend, then your friend should do likewise and not reply to his texts so readily. Whatever she does, the texting is not going to cure jealousy. I am not so ready to dismiss jealousy as I think sometimes a person senses their partner has something strong with another person. Was the jealousy the cause of the row in the first place? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Betsy_Beth Posted July 13, 2014 Author Share Posted July 13, 2014 This is confusing. Either they are giving each other space and break from each other or they are not. It sounds like he was just going away on business and this has been misinterpreted as giving each other space by one or the other. If they don't usually have arguments and this time they did, it could be that neither of them knows how to handle this situation or has the trust that it can be resolved. This could be inexperience or it could mean that the argument was about something significant in the relationship that cannot be easily 'cured'. He kept in touch for a while, while he was lonely, and then stopped when he met the female friend. Yes, if I was your friend I would be put out by that. If the relationship was dodgy at the time as well, it would be another minus point. It sounds to me like neither of them are sure they want to be with the other but are keeping up some sort of contact to hedge their bets and it's actually failing to help cure anything. If he can't be bothered to reply much while with his female friend, then your friend should do likewise and not reply to his texts so readily. Whatever she does, the texting is not going to cure jealousy. I am not so ready to dismiss jealousy as I think sometimes a person senses their partner has something strong with another person. Was the jealousy the cause of the row in the first place? Thanks for the reply. I agree it is not really giving the space. As another member said he wanted to keep in touch and not lose her. The fight(s) was about that girl. A year ago he told my friend that he had feelings for that girl ( however my friend wasnt sure if he was talking about the present or past, had or still has). She confronted him few times and all he said was "she is a good friend of mine I care about her and yes I had feelings for her. He is friends with her and they often hang out together ( sometimes her bf is there too). He really went out of his way to convince my friend that there is nothing between them but she is suspicious he might still have feelings. And now this incident with texting.... Link to post Share on other sites
Author Betsy_Beth Posted July 13, 2014 Author Share Posted July 13, 2014 Their relationship is not a smooth one but sounds to me like they are not ready to give up on it. Link to post Share on other sites
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