LoveShack.org Community Forums

Reload this Page LoveShack.org Community Forums > General > General Relationship Discussion

Absolute disaster...


General Relationship Discussion Everything else under the sun. Not sure where to post? This is the place!

Like Tree25Likes
 
 
LinkBack Thread Tools Display Modes
Old 13th June 2014, 10:51 AM   #1
Established Member
 
Join Date: Jan 2014
Posts: 89
Absolute disaster...

I need some advice from everyone please…and please be kind because this is a really sensitive situation. Four months ago I met a guy online, our first date lasted 8 hours. We clicked immediately, everything from family values, personality..all the chemistry was there. The second date well until he announced he had a visa for Australia, it’s a visa which means he can live there. I said I would consider moving there in the future if we saw how the relationship went and he was pleased with that. So we continued the relationship.

It was perfect, he took me away for a weekend, literally was amazing the first month. We decided to see how the relationship would go and I didn’t put any pressure on him (he was due to go in June..now) anyway the more time we spent together the more I was starting to fall for him so I started panicking about him going. Whenever we discussed oz it became tricky but we overcame everything and carried on. We went on holiday to France in May, all his idea. We spent a week together and it was amazing. By this time I blurted out I was in love with him (about 2 months into the relationship) he said he wasn’t sure if he loved me yet but was really happy and wanted to continue with the relationship to see how it went. On holiday I saw a facebook post from a friend of his asking if he is still coming to oz, he said yep in August. I was so surprised as he said he was going to see how the relationship went and we would see how we felt come June. I was on my last days holiday with him and he didn’t once tell me he was thinking of going to oz in August. Anyway the journey home was awful, he cried the whole journey home. I didn’t cry once, I said the relationship couldn’t work if he was to go in August and to let me find someone in the UK. We decided to have a week of no contact to see what he wanted to do. Carry on with the relationship and delay going to oz or go in August.

We met a week later, I was so angry with him and he knew it. He cried and said he didn’t want to lose me and that he knows he now loves me. That he would fight to get my respect and trust back.The next few weeks were amazing, he told me he loved me and I genuinely believed it. He went all gooey and sweet. Then two weeks ago he came back from his dad’s 70’s in a very distant mood. He said he wanted to see what the visa officer would say about me going to oz with him. He seemed nervous and said he was worried the visa person would say what we didn’t want to hear. Anyway it was all great news, we were told we would have to live together for 12 months and then I could apply to go on a partner visa. We had a celebratory lunch and he seemed nervous but excited about living with me. He said he would come round in the evening to cook for me. Then in the evening he called me to say he had a massive panic attack in the swimming pool and that he was really upset . (Basically the guy almost had a break down two years ago due to lots of bad things happening at once. He had to see a psychologist and so now does meditation twice a day to help with anxiety. I have been nothing but support towards him regarding this) I offered to go to his place to look after him but he said he needed to deal with this on his own. He sent me some nice messages that evening saying thank you and that he loved me. Then the next day he called me at work and said he needed some space, I said he has had enough space. The past 4 months he has been up and down and I’ve had enough. He said he couldn’t handle the pressure of oz, me and working in a free lancing job. So he broke up with me. I was sad but I also felt relief as he was draining my energy. His final words to me was that when we went to the visa officer when he found out the news that I could go with him he should of felt over joyed but he didn’t and that was a sign to him about his feeling for me. Nice!

So I carried on with my life. That was last Tuesday. On Thursday I found out I was pregnant. We were stupid and didn’t use protection, I’ve never done this before and I really didn’t think I would end up pregnant within a month. I want the baby no doubt about that. I have no children and I’m 38 nearly 39 this could be my last chance. I’ve had long-term relationship which haven’t worked out, I’ve been searching for Mr Right but keep coming across idiots. When I told him he went crazy, told me to get rid of the baby that he didn’t want the baby that I’m crazy bla bla bla - he can imagine the rest of it. He was really angry and told me to f**k off and hung up the phone. He literally changed into a different person. He then deleted me off facebook straight away. I knew he wouldn’t be happy but I didn’t expect this.

He got in contact after the weekend sending me a long message, he was trying to be nice to get me on side. He said he felt ashamed at telling me he loved me when he didn’t mean it. That he felt pressurised into saying he loved me because he thought that’s what I needed to hear from him. That in the past he didn’t want to loose me as I had become such an important person in his life. But then proceeded to use emotional blackmail to get me to terminate the baby. His parents are both psychologists and the letter was most definitely not written by him. It was clinical and cold. All about him and how this would affect him. It told me how having an abortion wouldn’t affect my chances of conceiving again. Truly terrible. How I would be having this baby without his consent.

I replied and told him that I have made my final decision and that I will be keeping this baby. He then demanded to see me so I could do a pregnancy test together. It was awful. I saw him for 5 minutes and he behaved like I didn’t exist.

I know being a single mother will be hard, but I’m not waiting for Mr Right to come along and miss my chance of having a child. The child will have all the love it will ever need from me and my family. I have not put any pressure on him to be involved, that’s his choice. A bit about him, he is 38, attractive has no financial commitments. Lives in a flatshare with 5 other people. He surfs and just seems to avoid any level of responsibility. Though he bangs on all the time about how he wants kids, literally he loves them and all his friends say he is ready to have kids. Yet when faced with his dream, he doesn’t want it. Australia is more important to him. He has had 2 longish relationship with career girls who didn’t really want him, he said he didn’t love them. Seems a pattern forming here? I should have seen the red flags but I really wanted to believe he was different. He introduced me to his friends (they said he had never done that before and his brother and family) I am happy, excited and fill in control of my decision. But at the same time I can’t quite believe this guy has turned out this way. I don’t know if he will change his mind about wanting to be with us? Part of me feels it would be better for the child without him in our lives. Do men like him ever come round and commit? I feel he is the biggest commitment phobe I have ever met…
No Limit likes this.

Last edited by CherryBlossom200; 13th June 2014 at 10:55 AM..
CherryBlossom200 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 13th June 2014, 11:17 AM   #2
Established Member
 
Join Date: Jan 2014
Posts: 89
Amelia I did not trick him into having a child! He had sex with me knowing full well I wasn't on birth control. We both are just as responsible for this. There are lots of other things he said which I haven't mentioned in my post. Despite saying he wanted to use protection before we went on holiday he didn't use anything once! And when we got back together again he said we shouldn't use condoms as they are too expensive. I took this that he was happy to take the risk because he commited to me to stay in the UK and delay going to oz. There is a lot I haven't said on here. Believe me he is by no means an angel.
CherryBlossom200 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 13th June 2014, 11:38 AM   #3
Established Member
 
Philosoraptor's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2011
Location: In a peaceful place
Posts: 4,958
Regardless of intentions, it is what it is now. You're pregnant and intent on keeping the child. Right now you need to focus on that child growing inside of you and not on the man who has made it clear he wants nothing to do with the child.
__________________
"When all choices seem wrong, choose restraint."
"If no mistake have you made, yet losing you are Ö a different game you should play."
"If in anger you answer, then in shame you dwell." - Master Yoda
Philosoraptor is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 13th June 2014, 11:38 AM   #4
Established Member
 
d0nnivain's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2013
Location: Northeastern USA
Posts: 25,169
At 38, you are right this is probably your last chance to have a kid. If you want this baby, have the baby. Legally you may have rights to child support but that's it.

This man had a life plan which included moving to Australia. You came along fell in love & are now carrying his child. He never consciously wanted that & as a man has a lifetime to have kids so he's not under the same pressure.

I'm sorry that he broke your heart by chosing to relocate over stay & raise a family with you but that's not something he wanted. You can't make him stay. It's highly unlikely that he will ever come back. Whether you did or not, he feels trapped & tricked. He may never get over that.
d0nnivain is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 13th June 2014, 11:44 AM   #5
Established Member
 
martaldn's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 621
gezz she came here for help and support not for this crap sorry but you can express your opinion in a more nice way cant you?

OP your is a very sad story, he wasnt born yesterday he knew if he didnt use protection there would have been a chance of a pregnancy and now he is completely rejecting his responsibilities as father which give you a clear picture of the kind of man he really is.

as a woman of 35 nearly 36 years old if i got pregnant now i would keep the baby no matter what because probably this would be my last chance and I would raise the child with or without my partner.

are you from the Uk?
for single mothers they offers many benefits here and I really hope you will get all the supports from family/friends you deserve.

good luck
martaldn is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 13th June 2014, 1:06 PM   #6
Established Member
 
Join Date: Oct 2013
Posts: 125
I'm afraid reading your story it doesn't seem like he was all that into you, but instead of being honest about it he lead you on BIG time. His anxiety attack after you decided to try living together in Australia is not a good sign either.

Seems like he has a lot of growing up to do. I can't stand people who don't know their own minds, so they play with other people's whilst they try and decide what to do. Now HE is angry at YOU because his flip-flopping backfired on him?

I would not hang around waiting for him to commit. I sense it will be futile. Stay in the UK where your family can support you, and you are entitled to help from the government.
Absinthe is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 13th June 2014, 1:25 PM   #7
Established Member
 
CarrieT's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2008
Location: Napa - wine country
Posts: 11,711
OP, hate to say it but at 38 you honestly believed you "would end up pregnant within a month???" You must have realized on some level you could have gotten pregnant the very first time you had unprotected sex, right?

Regardless, I believe it is a waste to pine for a commitment from someone who -- as you have said -- has shown his true colors. He liked the play and the fun he was having (heck, still couch surfing at his age?), but is not ready for the family and all that you have thrown in his face.

Keep the child and raise the child, if you must and feel strongly enough about being a single Mom, but I would expect nothing from the sperm donor. You might want to investigate about child support, however. I'm thinking of a friend of mine who was also 38 when she got pregnant for the first time and has been raising the child alone for the past decade with no support from the child's father except for an occasional cheque and birthday card (when he remembers).
CarrieT is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 13th June 2014, 2:04 PM   #8
Established Member
 
regine_phalange's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2013
Posts: 2,247
Oh, girl, why weren't you careful?

"His final words to me was that when we went to the visa officer when he found out the news that I could go with him he should of felt over joyed but he didnít and that was a sign to him about his feeling for me."
At least he was honest after the end.

"When I told him he went crazy, told me to get rid of the baby that he didnít want the baby that Iím crazy bla bla bla - he can imagine the rest of it. He was really angry and told me to f**k off and hung up the phone. He literally changed into a different person. He then deleted me off facebook straight away. I knew he wouldnít be happy but I didnít expect this."
Wow, that was intense. Im sorry that he talked to you this way. He is supposed to have half the responsibility. This is not a way to solve problems.

"He said he felt ashamed at telling me he loved me when he didnít mean it. That he felt pressurised into saying he loved me because he thought thatís what I needed to hear from him."
Oh my, this is messed up.

"Do men like him ever come round and commit? I feel he is the biggest commitment phobe I have ever metÖ"
Even if he does come around and "commits" are you going to believe him?

Since he doesn't want a baby, and you want a baby, raise the baby yourself with your family, and go NC with him. Even if he comes back and wants to share parental responsibility, my advice is not to take him back for a relationship. He doesn't seem like good news.
regine_phalange is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 13th June 2014, 3:39 PM   #9
Established Member
 
Quiet Storm's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2010
Location: Charm City
Posts: 4,226
So two grown adults in their late 30s made a conscious decision to not use birth control because condoms were not in the budget (even though he takes you on French vacations)? And even though issues like the financial impact of condoms were taken into consideration, the possibility of a baby & it's fate were never discussed?

Regardless, you need to detach emotionally from him and focus on your baby. Your baby needs a stable and consistent environment. Wondering and worrying is just going to raise your stress level, and stress hormones aren't good for the baby.

I don't think he will come back, so just plan your life without him. Your life is about to change dramatically, so line up all the support you can. It's unfortunate that your baby will not have the invaluable love & guidance that comes from having an involved father. Your baby will be starting life at a disadvantage, so it's very important that you put a lot of thought & consideration into you & your baby's future.
Quiet Storm is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 13th June 2014, 3:53 PM   #10
Established Member
 
Keenly's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2012
Location: California
Posts: 6,340
He won't be coming back. You need to think long and hard about how sure you feel about raising a kid all alone at almost 40.


Yea, you both got you pregnant, but from here on out, every single choice you make is on you, and life doesn't come with take-backs.
__________________
Peace is a lie, there is only passion.
Through passion I gain strength.
Through strength I gain power. Through power I gain victory.
Through victory my chains are broken. The force shall free me.
Keenly is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 13th June 2014, 4:33 PM   #11
Established Member
 
No Limit's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2013
Posts: 5,167
Glad you've decided to keep the child.

And don't worry about being a single mother. My mom too was single - admittedly not directly, but I was still a toddler when she divorced - and made it. If your job/money income is secured, just make sure you have family that might be able to look out for him or her while you're at work.

And even if he might come for a few visits out of curiosity, I wouldn't advise you to let him take part actively in your family. Being a 2-headed-family is much better than one with 3 unstable members. You don't need another adult baby around, focus your energy on yourself.

And I'm glad you didn't fall for the nonsense written in the letter. This most likely is your last chance, and there are plenty of people who have at best trouble to have another child after abortion, many become infertile. Not to mention the destruction of a human life.
No Limit is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 13th June 2014, 5:35 PM   #12
Established Member
 
Join Date: Jan 2014
Posts: 89
Thank you everyone for your thoughts. I am going through a living hell right now. I have just sent the father a message telling him how hard it has been to make this decision and that I have no taken it lightly. I want him and his family to not think I trapped him. I didn't. I really, really thought he loved me. But it was all a lie. I was dupped in the worst possible way. And even though he admitted his fault. It was too late, I am pregnant now.

I have thought about having an abortion lots and I just can't go through with it. At just over 4 weeks it's still a brutal procedure and could totally wreck my changes of concieving again in the future. This would live with me forever.

I have my own property in London so financially secure (unlike the father) I will let out my property and move to the country to stay with my mother, father, sister, husband and child. It will be a wonderful, supportive environment for the child to grow up in. And when I'm ready I will move back to London.

This aspect I have thought of completley. Just emotionally this is very sad for me to go through as I feel so desperately sad that this has ended in such an awful way. If I could change the past I really would.

x
No Limit likes this.

Last edited by CherryBlossom200; 13th June 2014 at 5:37 PM..
CherryBlossom200 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 13th June 2014, 5:48 PM   #13
Established Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2013
Posts: 3,294
Quote:
Originally Posted by CherryBlossom200 View Post
...he is 38, attractive has no financial commitments. Lives in a flatshare with 5 other people. He surfs and just seems to avoid any level of responsibility. Though he bangs on all the time about how he wants kids, literally he loves them and all his friends say he is ready to have kids. Yet when faced with his dream, he doesn’t want it. Australia is more important to him. He has had 2 longish relationship with career girls who didn’t really want him, he said he didn’t love them. Seems a pattern forming here? I should have seen the red flags but I really wanted to believe he was different. He introduced me to his friends (they said he had never done that before and his brother and family) I am happy, excited and fill in control of my decision. But at the same time I can’t quite believe this guy has turned out this way.
Sorry this happened to you. From your story, I think you felt pressured to find "the one" and get on with a relationship and starting a family quickly. As a result, you fast-forwarded at lightning speed through a progression that takes most couples a year or more. You were so laser-focused on the destination, that you unfortunately lost sight of the fact that the journey (i.e. getting to know the other person and assessing whether you are indeed compatible and a good fit) is just as critical. That was your downfall here, and why you turned a blind eye to red flags that he didn't share your relationship goals or want the same things.

Second, beginning to ask someone to make life-changing decisions two months into dating is pretty unreasonable. You barely knew anything about each other at that point, even if you spent most of your free time together. You were basically operating off a fantasy image you had of him and a shared life together. It takes time to get to know the "real" person. There are no shortcuts! Those are some of the lessons in this.

I can understand why he felt pressured and stressed, and why he felt a need to step back, and ultimately to step away altogether.


Quote:
Originally Posted by CherryBlossom200 View Post
I don’t know if he will change his mind about wanting to be with us? Part of me feels it would be better for the child without him in our lives.
I doubt it. He really didn't want the pregnancy, and things ended badly.

Quote:
Originally Posted by CherryBlossom200 View Post
Do men like him ever come round and commit? I feel he is the biggest commitment phobe I have ever met…
He's not necessarily a commitment phobe just because he doesn't want to hop into marriage or a lifetime arrangement with you three or four months after meeting you! Getting to know someone is an organic process. You're on warp speed to get to your goal. That's perfectly fine. Just understand that others not on your same timeline won't enjoy being railroaded to your choice of destination. The two of you are at different life stages right now with very different goals. You're looking for a life partner, to nest, and have an insta-family. He's looking for a girlfriend, to have fun, and to go explore the other side of the world. Someday, he'll probably want the wife and family, but his timeline is way more relaxed than yours right now. Another lesson out of this is to focus on looking for guys who truly want the same things you do on your more urgent timeline. They are out there!

Not an absolute disaster by the way...you have the wherewithal to raise your child without him. You have family and a support network. It's just a learning experience, and eventually you'll come to see your child as a wonderful blessing, if you don't already.
angel.eyes is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 13th June 2014, 5:57 PM   #14
Established Member
 
Join Date: Mar 2006
Posts: 17,330
You now know you should expect to raise the child on your own.

I'm just shaking my head - I guess it's part of what you wanted.

He seems to have dreams to live that don't involve you.

Focus on the best interest of your child long term.
2sunny is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 13th June 2014, 6:00 PM   #15
Established Member
 
Join Date: Jan 2014
Posts: 89
Thanks Angel Eyes, but the thing is he also did his own set of fast forwarding. He said if things worked out he would stay for a few years and wait until I could come with him. He said he was ready for children and talked about them way more then I did. He sent me photos of his friends kids. He spoke about what our children would even look like. He gave me no indication he didn't want this. He led me to believe this is what he wanted. But when it came to the crunch he couldn't go ahead with it. Due to pressure, commitment (seriously the guy has A LOT of issues which I haven't mentioned on here) I should have seen the red flags but I liked him so much I wanted it to work. Lots of lessons to be learnt I know, but sadly a bit too late!
CherryBlossom200 is offline   Reply With Quote
 

Bookmarks

Thread Tools
Display Modes

 

Similar Threads
Thread Thread Starter Forum Replies Last Post
Absolute rage Monodare1 Separation and Divorce 26 22nd January 2014 6:24 PM
decree absolute rmatank Separation and Divorce 2 9th March 2013 7:06 AM
What do you think? any future or absolute no go? alwayshope86 Breaks and Breaking Up 1 30th August 2012 5:48 AM
Absolute worlybear Separation and Divorce 1 13th October 2011 2:36 PM
Absolute Revulsion FleshNBones In Search Of... 1 15th June 2007 8:28 PM

 

All times are GMT -4. The time now is 7:54 AM.

Please note: The suggestions and advice offered on this web site are opinions only and are not to be used in the place of professional psychological counseling or medical advice. If you or someone close to you is currently in crisis or in an emergency situation, contact your local law enforcement agency or emergency number.


Copyright © 1997-2013 LoveShack.org. All Rights Reserved.