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Why [does a betrayed spouse reconcile with a cheating spouse]?


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Old 24th May 2014, 12:55 PM   #1
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Why [does a betrayed spouse reconcile with a cheating spouse]?

Hi Guys,

I feel for every one of you that is [betrayed].

I am absolutely not trying to undermine you and I respect your decisions to do as you wish with your marriages; stay, leave it is YOUR prerogative and frankly, not my business or place to judge.... but.. Look, I just have to ask you this.

Why do you take back someone who cheats?

I don't want a complicated answer, I just want the most straight forward and honest thing that comes to mind. Why?

How can you?

Wouldn't you be happier with a new partner one day who didn't cheat?

Thanks in advance....

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Old 24th May 2014, 1:03 PM   #2
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#1 reason is that he confessed and was remorseful. I didn't have to drag it out of him and he didn't make excuses for himself.

#2 reason...we have a 10+ year marriage, 2 children and a lot of positive shared history.

#3 reason...he is working on himself to figure out what it is about him that made him do what he did. He didn't blame me for his decision to cheat.

It is painful and difficult. It has created a lot of anxiety and believe me, there are days when I feel that it might be less trouble in the long run if we split up. Even though I know that his decision to cheat is on him and not me, I wonder if there will be other times/situations in the marriage where he feels like cheating and what he will do about that. It would kill any love I had for him and I could not stay married, regardless of what the consequences of splitting up would be.

If this were a relationship of shorter duration I would not have tried to reconcile.

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Old 24th May 2014, 1:27 PM   #3
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Question

Well, after my first Dday, I stayed because I thought it was an isolated incident. A mistake, not a path. I thought he fell, not that he was a broken man.

One of the only real regrets I have, in a long, unbelievably wrong marriage was taking him back instead of packing up his stuff.

I was wrong. About everything. I own that now.
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Old 24th May 2014, 1:28 PM   #4
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Why

I just posted my story under "To Leave or Not to Leave"...it's a complicated one. But I know you want a short, easy response.

The answer is love.

If you TRULY love someone, you love them faults and all. Even when they've ripped your heart out and stomped all over it, that love doesn't go away automatically just cuz you're hurt.

People have been forgiving affairs since the beginning of time. Why? Because it's human nature to make mistakes. To err is human, to forgive is divine. Right?

That's the best "short" answer I can give you without diving into a long drawn out explanation.

Hope this helps.
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Old 24th May 2014, 2:24 PM   #5
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There are a lot of reasons... But i'll try to go a little deeper.

Since age "0" We learned that everyone should seek for true love with the one and only man\woman. And also we all learned that infidelity is forbidden, and if someone cheats, he is the bad guy in the story.

When we grow up maybe some of us understand that life is more complicated than what we were taught since age 0.

For example, some of us understand that the marriage system may not \can not fulfill all our natural needs. sexual attraction sometimes expires, and always doesn't remain the same after few years of marriage.

Some of us understand the and feel the need for someone new, who will not take us for granted, and who will make us excited, moved and thrilled. Sometime with the new lover we can change and enlarge our boundries, which we find it hard to do with someone who knows us so well.

But we still love our spouses, and add children\mortgage\fear\etc to the equation, so we dont know what to do and not always we take the "right decision.

The betrayed spouses know that life isn't perfect, and even if they find new love, We all know the statistic of infidelity (high numbers) and there is no guaranty that the new partner won't also cheat.

We know that the cheater in most cases is not a criminal and he\she took a wrong decision in a complex world. (I'm not talking about the serial cheaters)

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Old 24th May 2014, 3:49 PM   #6
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Where is the guaranty the new partner won't cheat? Every relationship is a risk. Everyone is not a repeat offender. Some people really do the work and change.
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Old 24th May 2014, 4:24 PM   #7
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Love and nothing else. i would not stay/reconcile for kids, money, assets and etc as all of those are not the building blocks but what the marriage makes.

I also do not consider, "once a cheater" as there is not guarantee from cheating via a repeat from a former WS or a new spouse.

As for love, depending on the affair/one night stand and level of disrespect and a glimpse of "how could you?" to over simplify, could fracture and "silence" the love I had and thus kill the reason for reconciling.

For me love endures but it can be broken and is why in terms of affairs I usually argue against the WS as to what they felt was "real love" during the affair vs just a "vacation" where love is not tested against the "whole" of life as in the little annoying, day to day of living with some one for example. Love is what endures and can forgive addictions for example, my father was an alcoholic and very trying and a very drawn out battle on the family but my parents' love endured and recovered from my fathers addiction.
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Old 24th May 2014, 4:29 PM   #8
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always happier with a partner that would not cheat.

Not sure about several things here in limbo land.

Worked hard for so many years. She will not admit it.

Either stay or get divorced. good question.

married for almost 40 years. I last son to take care of and he should be on his own in a year.

The balance is can't find out the truth.

She is trying to be very nice now.

So no child support. Only alimony and give her at least half of what we have.

I am tired and do not want to pay any alimony. Worked hard for so long and for the property split would hurt. I would not be able to replace the 1/2 mil she would get for sure in the property split . (at least)

Excellent question. Thinking about it many times and have not decided at least until last son is on his own.
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Old 24th May 2014, 5:45 PM   #9
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Back to the topic of why, the best way to explain it to someone who has never been through it is martial love is a lot like a mothers love, it takes a lot to break the bond and it's not as black and white as it appears.
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Old 24th May 2014, 5:48 PM   #10
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Leigh 87 View Post

I don't want a complicated answer, I just want the most straight forward and honest thing that comes to mind. Why?

Wouldn't you be happier with a new partner one day who didn't cheat?

1) Because it benefits me to.... compared to the alternative. Simple.

2) Thats too hypothetical, lots of people out there who might not cheat but might not other wise fit within my other needs - or they might have other issues. I see PLENTY or marriages with no cheating that are horrible and I would not switch too. Marriage is difficult period. You roll the dice.
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Old 24th May 2014, 7:21 PM   #11
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Stay for the children..... and/or.... the children stay for me.

These are two different things and each profound and meaningful to some.
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Old 24th May 2014, 7:23 PM   #12
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Originally Posted by Leigh 87 View Post
Why do you take back someone who cheats?

Wouldn't you be happier with a new partner one day who didn't cheat?
1. Because the question should be, why should I end my marriage over infidelity? Why should I believe that is the FIRST response to learning about it. My first response was, rather than divorce, to try to understand it.

2. "Take someone back" suggests they left. First of all as a BS I know I never left. And I know now, from everything I have learned about infidelity that she never left the marriage either. She stopped thinking about us, but she never left. Had she left, I would have been a single man without a woman who loved me.

3. Because I didn't cheat, and infidelity hurts so much precisely because I feel I didn't deserve to be treated that way, and all hurt comes from love. If infidelity does not kill the love I have, then I owe it to myself to fight for my relationship.
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Old 24th May 2014, 7:39 PM   #13
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I stayed because I was/am insecure, lost and broken myself.

Sure I loved him. I still do. I'll always love him and do not wish him harm.

I thought I could love him enough to be all he needed. Sex him up enough, spoil him, feed his ego, adore him enough that I'd be all he ever wanted or needed. I poured myself into being an incredible woman and lover for him..even all those years ago. We were very young when we met. He has cheated throughout our entire relationship. Through the good, the bad and the ugly. When I was brilliant and when I was distant. It made no difference. This ripped me to shreds over the years. He was there for me after I was raped and abused by someone I trusted. His loyalty to me then needed bonded me to him. It took lots of his poor decisions and for things to get physical with us before I decided to leave him.

I left, he promised things would be different. I got pregnant with child number two and guess what? He cheated on me again...while I was pregnant. I was/am a lost broken person just trying to get by. We haven't had sex in months. We don't sleep in the same room. This isn't from my lack of care or trying. I regret taking him back and not taking better care of me.

I found myself in an RA after letting the bitterness and pain completely engulf me. I am a woman I do not even recognize anymore. I'm slowly pulling myself out of the muck and mire. Through God's grace I'll be a better person and woman after learning such difficult lessons.

I stayed because I didn't think I could or did deserve better treatment. At least he wasn't choking me, or beating me or forcing me to lay there and be used like a rag doll. See how screwed up thinking can lead someone to what they believe is the lesser of two evils. I could handle the cheating I thought. At least he wasn't the monster I had encountered before.

Now, I'm here trying to get things aligned to separate. We talk about it daily darn near.

Taking my power back as a woman is so important to me right now. Owning that I allowed certain things to happen and continue in my life has given me back some dignity. I can't control what others do but I can and will control what it is I allow to go on in my life from this point forward.

I stayed for lots of reasons and none of them good. I'm human too. I make mistakes and have fallen on my own sword. Thank goodness today is a new day and I don't have to be defined by my past nor the decisions of others. I don't believe all of these situations are black and white or that people are either good or bad. Take a look at the sum of all of our pieces not just the end result. We all have so much learning and growing to do in this life. So many different pathways that we walk. I understand things so much more clearly after reaching such low points. After feeling so worthless. I'm just thankful for another chance with the dawning of a new day to do it better. To do it right. As awful as it sounds, I can't worry about my H right now. I have two little one's and my own sanity to guard. I spent many moons catering to him and worrying myself to death about what he was doing and what I could do to make it stop. Right now I'm staying to get my life together enough to make the transition to divorce. He's staying for continued access to his children and to hopefully gain employment enough to be able to support himself.

At first I stayed for love.... now it's a business arrangement.
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Old 24th May 2014, 7:59 PM   #14
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Leigh 87 View Post
Hi Guys,

I feel for every one of you that is [betrayed].

I am absolutely not trying to undermine you and I respect your decisions to do as you wish with your marriages; stay, leave it is YOUR prerogative and frankly, not my business or place to judge.... but.. Look, I just have to ask you this.

Why do you take back someone who cheats?

I don't want a complicated answer, I just want the most straight forward and honest thing that comes to mind. Why?

How can you?

Wouldn't you be happier with a new partner one day who didn't cheat?

Thanks in advance....

We met in college. We were inseparable, shared dreams. I remember our first date, it was a picnic by a lake. Halfway through our picnic we were bombarded by misquotes bites and we ended up jumping into the lake to get away from the bites. In that cool water we kissed for the first time and our wet bodies couldn't get close enough.

On our wedding day, surrounded by family and friends, we beamed with joy. We honeymooned Italy and were excited about moving into our first little house. It was a fixer upper, but we loved it. We had no idea about gardening and plumbing and drafts from the old windows. We put our hearts and souls into that little home. We didn't have much furniture, except for a big four poster bed and mismatched kitchen table and chairs and an old couch and TV we got at a yard sale.

We entertained our friends and family. BBq's, Halloween parties, Thanksgiving dinner, Christmas, Birthdays. Our children were born and brought home. When they were born we both cried, counting their fingers and toes, thankful and blessed they were healthy.

Time, went by....both of us building our Career's, life went forward. My brother died and my husband held me as we both cried. My husband turned to me when he lost his mother a few years later. Life and death, children growing, working hard to provide. Life was busier, less time for yourself, but that's ok...because life is a cycle, with it's ups and down.

Every marriage has photo albums, it's a diary of a life.

Some marriage should end and some marriages can be saved.

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Old 24th May 2014, 9:30 PM   #15
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Originally Posted by Furious View Post
We met in college. We were inseparable, shared dreams. I remember our first date, it was a picnic by a lake. Halfway through our picnic we were bombarded by misquotes bites and we ended up jumping into the lake to get away from the bites. In that cool water we kissed for the first time and our wet bodies couldn't get close enough.

On our wedding day, surrounded by family and friends, we beamed with joy. We honeymooned Italy and were excited about moving into our first little house. It was a fixer upper, but we loved it. We had no idea about gardening and plumbing and drafts from the old windows. We put our hearts and souls into that little home. We didn't have much furniture, except for a big four poster bed and mismatched kitchen table and chairs and an old couch and TV we got at a yard sale.

We entertained our friends and family. BBq's, Halloween parties, Thanksgiving dinner, Christmas, Birthdays. Our children were born and brought home. When they were born we both cried, counting their fingers and toes, thankful and blessed they were healthy.

Time, went by....both of us building our Career's, life went forward. My brother died and my husband held me as we both cried. My husband turned to me when he lost his mother a few years later. Life and death, children growing, working hard to provide. Life was busier, less time for yourself, but that's ok...because life is a cycle, with it's ups and down.

Every marriage has photo albums, it's a diary of a life.

Some marriage should end and some marriages can be saved.

Beautifully stated, and exactly why we stayed together, as well. In the end, the story was worth fighting to continue. He was worth my love. We were worth it.
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