High-desire spouse vs low-desire spouse cheating. Sex drive disparity in infidelity?

[oldshirt]

I'm not sure I have any specific questions per se here but rather just wanting to open up some discussion on your thoughts on how sex drive disparity in a couple affect infidelity.

 

 

I guess where I am going with this is, I have always assumed if a couple had a disparity in sex drive, that it would be the high-drive person that would be the one to cheat and that it would be the HD partner at the most risk. I've also always kind of assumed that if the HD partner was the WS that the couple might be able to reconcile whereas if it were the LD partner that strayed, the HD partner would be less inclined to R. But like all assumptions, some are right while some are wrong.

 

 

So what are your thoughts and experiences? In your experience does high vs low desire disparity play into infidelity in any kind of predictable manner? is one partner more or less likely to stray than the other? Is the LD partner ever the one that cheats? Does whether it is the HD or LD partner that strays have any impact on the likelihood of reconciliation vs divorce??

 

 

What are your thoughts?

[janedoe67]

I had drive, h did not. I can't begin to express how it hurt for YEARS. He violated our marriage vows every time he violated I Corinthians 7. For years.

 

However, my choice to respond by breaking the 7th commandment was wrong and 100% on me.

[compulsivedancer]

I was definitely the higher drive partner, and I cheated for sex despite wanting more. OM was definitely the high drive partner, but I believe his GF had previously cheated on him, so... As far as I know they are still together, as are me and H.

 

I have a friend who was the low-drive partner. She was unhappy with her connection with her H and was looking for a relationship. She and her H are separated, but it's still possible they'll get back together.

[Mycatsnuggles]

I find this question very interesting because I do believe this is the reason I cheated.

 

My H has always had a VERY large desire for sex. He loves it and we have sex very often. I wanted to meet his needs and make him happy even though for me I really had no sexual desire. I had sex for him and he really enjoyed it. Whats strange is the person who is only there is watching the other exclaim in joy how wonderful the experience is. It began me wondering what I was missing. I had tried to show H what to do, he made a valiant attempt but it only occasionally resulted in a positive result for me.

 

Was I broken? am I incapable of experiencing great sex? what exactly was I missing?'

 

I cheated to find out what all the hoopla was about in regards to sex.

 

I wasnt broken. But as the low desire person even though the sex was great when I cheated it is not the most important thing in the world to me. There are so many other things I value more. Honestly, I am glad I discovered what great sex was like, I wish I could translate the experience to my H. I dont think its possible. We just have different sexual needs and patterns.

 

High drive person remained faithful, I do meet his desire for frequent sex.

Low desire person cheated to see what she was missing.

[oldshirt]

I find this question very interesting because I do believe this is the reason I cheated.

 

My H has always had a VERY large desire for sex. He loves it and we have sex very often. I wanted to meet his needs and make him happy even though for me I really had no sexual desire. I had sex for him and he really enjoyed it. Whats strange is the person who is only there is watching the other exclaim in joy how wonderful the experience is. It began me wondering what I was missing. I had tried to show H what to do, he made a valiant attempt but it only occasionally resulted in a positive result for me.

 

Was I broken? am I incapable of experiencing great sex? what exactly was I missing?'

 

I cheated to find out what all the hoopla was about in regards to sex.

 

I wasnt broken. But as the low desire person even though the sex was great when I cheated it is not the most important thing in the world to me. There are so many other things I value more. Honestly, I am glad I discovered what great sex was like, I wish I could translate the experience to my H. I dont think its possible. We just have different sexual needs and patterns.

 

High drive person remained faithful, I do meet his desire for frequent sex.

Low desire person cheated to see what she was missing.

 

 

 

Thanks for responding to this thread because that was one of the things I was wondering - was how often it is the LD spouse that strays.

 

 

It's kind of counterintuitive, one would think it would almost always be the HD spouse wanting more but as you've indicated, sometimes its the LD spouse wanting....I dunno - better?????

 

 

So what was your H's response on Dday?

 

 

I guess in the back of my mind I've always kind of assumed (there's that word again) that if it was the HD spouse that strayed, both parties could somewhat understand that even though they may not condone it. After all if that person was always kind of restless and wanting more, it's not a big jump to think that eventually they may wander.

 

 

But what is the reaction when the HD person finds out the LD person cheated????

 

 

I would think that would be a double slap in the face. That would show that the LD person was indeed interested in sex....just with someone else.

[stillafool]

I think if the LD partner cheats it's because they didn't find sex with their HD partner desirable and that is why their sex drive was low in the first place. Once the so called LD partner has good sex with the new person their desire increases tremendously.

[BetrayedH]

But what is the reaction when the HD person finds out the LD person cheated????

 

I would think that would be a double slap in the face. That would show that the LD person was indeed interested in sex....just with someone else.

 

My situation is just anecdotal but I'll share because you asked.

 

The seven years prior to my wife's A met the standard of a sexless marriage. I was the HD partner (I'm probably a twice a day guy) and she was LD (once every month or two). I tried everything, to no avail. Interestingly enough, it changed to twice a week during her affair. I thought my patience and perseverence had paid off and that those mid-life hormone changes had finally kicked in.

 

I was absolutely shocked to discover that she was in the midst of a year long affair replete with about 60 mid-day hotel rendezvous. Seriously?! After 7 years of listening to every excuse in the book?

 

One of the times when I expressed exasperation with this irony, she retorted, "I wanted to have sex for all of those years, just not with you!" Yeah, ouch. Score: WW - 1, BH - 0.

 

I'm not sure it had much bearing on my desire to reconcile. Honestly, that part was not really a rational thought-process but more of an emotional one. I was in damage-control mode. Everything I had worked for for 20 years was falling apart, you know? I thought my wife had lost her fool mind (still a fairly apt description, in hindsight) and I wanted to fix it all. She stopped the affair, fit the bill for remorse, etc. and so I made the effort.

 

That's not to say that it wasn't insult on top of injury. It certainly was and still somewhat pisses me off.

[carhill]

IMO, wrt to infidelity, such actions relate more to personal boundaries of behavior than to perceived or apparent libido, or libido differences within a couple.

 

Using a classic example, a low-libido spouse can 'mask' high libido in the limerence stages prior to M, then revert to their natural style post-M. The high libido spouse then applies their personal boundaries. They can assertively work to find a middle ground which addresses their differences, or they can terminate the relationship or they can take a lover to satisfy their libido and remain married, or any combination. Their libido may indeed remain a constant but the person always has choices and those choices reflect their personal boundaries.

 

If I were assessing potentials in any one particular incidence, and history was available, I'd look for commonalities. In support of the libido/infidelity connection, if I were with a high-libido partner who demonstrated or disclosed a history of infidelity in their marriage(s) and/or relationships, I'd find that information to be valuable in balancing who they have been with who they are today. How does their past reconcile with the now? Do they demonstrate consistency in other areas of elemental personality characteristics. Insight? Introspection?

 

The same with any other behavioral set. Each circumstance, and person, is different. When I've met one high libido person, I've met one high libido person.

[EverySunset]

FWIW, I'm sure my STBXH probably thought I became LD after a few years of watching him descend into ugly-human-being-ness.

 

I just didn't like having sex with people that perpetually smell like vodka.

 

... apparently I am HD with the right partner

[oldshirt]

I think if the LD partner cheats it's because they didn't find sex with their HD partner desirable and that is why their sex drive was low in the first place. Once the so called LD partner has good sex with the new person their desire increases tremendously.

 

 

 

Yeah, I think that happens a lot. You see it here on these boards quite frequently that someone who thought their spouse was a dead fish with no sex drive and no interest in sex, finds out they are actually a porn star with someone else.

[oldshirt]

My situation is just anecdotal but I'll share because you asked.

 

The seven years prior to my wife's A met the standard of a sexless marriage. I was the HD partner (I'm probably a twice a day guy) and she was LD (once every month or two). I tried everything, to no avail. Interestingly enough, it changed to twice a week during her affair. I thought my patience and perseverence had paid off and that those mid-life hormone changes had finally kicked in.

 

I was absolutely shocked to discover that she was in the midst of a year long affair replete with about 60 mid-day hotel rendezvous. Seriously?! After 7 years of listening to every excuse in the book?

 

One of the times when I expressed exasperation with this irony, she retorted, "I wanted to have sex for all of those years, just not with you!" Yeah, ouch. Score: WW - 1, BH - 0.

 

I'm not sure it had much bearing on my desire to reconcile. Honestly, that part was not really a rational thought-process but more of an emotional one. I was in damage-control mode. Everything I had worked for for 20 years was falling apart, you know? I thought my wife had lost her fool mind (still a fairly apt description, in hindsight) and I wanted to fix it all. She stopped the affair, fit the bill for remorse, etc. and so I made the effort.

 

That's not to say that it wasn't insult on top of injury. It certainly was and still somewhat pisses me off.

 

 

 

Yeah I am sure that had to add quite a bit of extra salt to your wounds.

[oldshirt]

So I'm having trouble putting this into words so try to understand what I am getting at even if my words don't make a lot of sense.

 

 

If you are the HD partner, do you think you would be more or less likely to try to reconcile if you found out your LD partner was cheating?

 

 

And vice versa, if you were the LD partner and found out your HD partner was cheating, do you think that you would more or less likely to divorce or reconcile since you already knew they were wanting it more than you??

[Phoe]

I was always the high drive partner in my relationships.

 

I have 2 exes who would very rarely have sex with me. They got blowjobs daily, but that was the extent of it. Nothing for me.

 

 

They both cheated.

 

 

I haven't a clue why. I suppose it may have been as simple as them having an opportunity presented to them, so they took it.

[Mycatsnuggles]

H never did find out exactly what occurred I know a big part of the reason he didn't pursue alot of questions is becasue he knows I have low desire, he basically couldn't imagine I would want to pursue a sexual relationship.

 

I don't know if he would want to stay with me if he knew everything. I assume it would be a very long ugly road to what ever destination was at the end, either divorce or reconciliation. Neither road would be easy.

 

I can't imagine not having sex for years at a time. Even though I don't have a strong desire I would question why my H didn't find me attractive if he stopped pursing me. I rarely say no, if he had sought someone else I wouldn't want to know. Especially if it was over and ended.

 

If I found out he had, I do think I could understand to some extent, especially if I was denying him for years as some of the men state on here. I don't know if I could handle it emotionally but I would want to work it out with H.

[todreaminblue]

Cheating comes down to high or low morals more than sex drive i feel....if you hold standards to a high degree then you dont cheat ...whether you have a high sex drive or not.....i was the higher sex drive.........my partner was the higher drinker......he cheated often when he was drinking....because i wasnt there with him getting drunk, being with others who were getting sloshed too.......had nothing to do with his drive or my drive had to do with lowering of inhibitions, lowering of standards to the point he didnt care until the next day..... and alcohol helped ....we had a very active sex life......but not if he was drinking........deb

[dichotomy]

Coming into our relationship my wife was HD (perhaps agressive is a better word), and I was medium (or perhaps timid is a better word) sex drive. Unfortunately we have flip flopped in the marriage and it has caused all sorts of unpleasantness.

 

The whole process has changed me from being affair proof (i would never) to affair resistant (maybe). When has Janedoe67 mentioned often - trying to twist myself into someone she would have sex with (there are even books for this) - I become angry.

 

You also asked how I would react if I found my current LD wife cheating now, I would either 1) divorce her 2) or formally switch to a celebrate but open marriage for a while. Not sure which, but hope it never comes to that choice. I have hope the therapy she is in (we are in) can get her back to at least Medium Drive.

[Michelle ma Belle]

Great thread by the way

 

My best friend just went through this very thing with her husband of 15 years. She was the one who had/has a VERY low sex drive. So much so, she had seen countless doctors to find out that her testosterone is insanely low. Somewhat fixable with the right meds although not guaranteed.

 

She was also a full time teacher and mother of 3 high maintenance boys. She was a wife to a man-child who nagged at her for sex constantly and literally pouted and behaved passive aggressively when his needs did not get met.

 

We would often joke about when I was still married to my LD hubby that we should switch up husbands. Everyone might have been much happier.

 

Anyways, about 5 months ago, she went to an annual teacher's conference out of town. She was away for 5 days and met another teacher with whom she spent a lot of time with because they were grouped together to work on whatever projected they were assigned. One thing led to another and she found herself deeply infatuated with this man and things between them were heating up until one night she ended up in his room.

 

If it weren't for her cell phone going off from her husband to snap her out of her lustful trance, she would have most definitely spent the rest of the weekend in his bed.

 

After she returned home, she carried on an emotional affair with this man over email and clandestine phone calls for another couple of weeks before she called me up in a panic telling me that she needed to talk with me.

 

She was distraught and confused and ashamed but also euphoric. Here is a woman who had struggled to find her libido for YEARS turning over all sorts of rocks to get "help" as her husband would say and then one weekend with a tall dark stranger and she found herself never craving sex more than in those 4 nights away. Even though they technically didn't end up having sex, they did engage in some heavy foreplay and it was enough to wet her whistle and set her ablaze sexually.

 

Eventually, she found out that this man was married with two young children and that this wasn't his first time engaging inappropriately with other women whilst on conference. I could tell that hurt her although her own situation wasn't any better. It was the wake up call she needed.

 

She felt incredibly guilty and ashamed and stopped all communication with this other man. She also ended up telling her husband about what had happened (skipping a few uncomfortable details of course). He was very upset as you could imagine but at the same time, he couldn't stay mad too long because the experience set her on fire and their sex went from a forced once every month to once a day.

 

Of course, any intelligent human being would look at this and suggest that her increased libido had little to do with her husband and more to do with her just finishing what she started with her stranger but it didn't seem to matter to her husband. He got what he wanted out of her. Or at least for a little while.

 

When I asked my BFF what it was about THIS man that changed things for her particularly since she admitted that physically he wasn't her typical type. She was quiet for a moment and then said that he genuinely seemed interested in her and in the things she was saying. He was engaging. They had many things in common and would talk for hours, long after other people were calling it a night. He also made her feel wanted. Desired. It was a bunch of small things he did and said that made her weak in the knees. All of this making her realize what she was missing from her husband.

 

Her husband, on the other hand, seemed to only want his dutiful release. He stopped courting her, making her feel special. He stopped talking with her about the things that interested HER. She craved intimacy that comes with communication and connection and precedes c*ock-in-p*ssy. Her husband seem to just looked at her (at least the last several years) like a walking vagina that should be ready to please and satisfy him sexually any time he wants. It was too much work for him anymore, to connect verbally or emotionally with her. He wanted to get off then roll over and fall straight asleep. And THAT's what the difference was.

 

They went into couple's therapy straight afterward to capitalize on this massive shift in her both physically and emotionally. It seemed her husband understood what she needed and worked together to sustain this euphoria that unexpected entered their lives but it wasn't to last unfortunately.

 

Like many women, regardless of HD or LD, sex starts in the mind. It's about feeling wanted and desired. It's about not just hearing us when we speak but listening to what we're saying. It's about being validated. Staying engaged with us. Being appreciated. I could go on and on...

 

These are the very things that, especially in LTR, get lost or taken for granted and eventually sexually stalls a relationship. And when THAT happens, when sex is compromised one way or another, the relationship suffers and we become much more vulnerable to outside influences.

 

Fast forward to today. Her sex drive has dropped back to what it was before. Her husband couldn't maintain his end of things and she returned to old patterns as well. They love each other but sexually, it's a struggle.

 

Although she is disappointed in what happened with this other man, she was convinced that it happened for a reason and was hopeful that it was the jolt they both needed in their marriage to set them on the path to a more enlightened sex life.

 

Personally, I think she is still vulnerable. Now that she's tasted that kind of connection with someone that made her feel sexual, I'm not sure it won't happen again.

[GoodOnPaper]

If you are the HD partner, do you think you would be more or less likely to try to reconcile if you found out your LD partner was cheating?

 

Definitely less. Consider the prevailing message coming through in this thread. If the man is the HD partner, it is HIS fault that she is LD and it is HIS fault that she is cheating. Hard to see how there would be any common ground to rebuild on.

[central]

Interestingly enough, it changed to twice a week during her affair. I thought my patience and perseverence had paid off and that those mid-life hormone changes had finally kicked in.

 

So, you did reconcile? And did the sexual frequency remain around twice a week?

[janedoe67]

I think in general men get a bad rap on this. I know there are some maladjusted men-children who view their wives as a blow up doll who cooks (I know of at least 1), but I think most sexually frustrated h's do try to be good husband's. I think a lot of women view sex as some optional add-on after the "important stuff" is finished. I had kids less than 2 years apart, worked full time, and had no family nearby. I still desired my husband, even when he was annoying and unhelpful and everything else. That is because sex/touch is important time in feeling loved and cared for. He knew that and CHOSE to ignore it because HE viewed it as frivolous.

 

When we ignore something vital to our spouse because WE deem it inconvenient, we are sending a pretty clear message. Nothing excuses an affair. However, I would say that intentional neglect is also pretty inexcusable.

[BetrayedH]

So, you did reconcile? And did the sexual frequency remain around twice a week?

 

I spent about 8 months trying to reconcile but found out some more seriously disturbing shi.t, flipped out, and we both called it quits.

[compulsivedancer]

At the time, the thought of my H with another woman was very erotic. Now, less so. I think I would've been very upset if he'd cheated, but not if we'd worked out an open relationship.

 

I've come to find out since DDay that he's not LD. Instead he had a lot of hang-ups about sex and was able to switch into work mode and essentially turn off his sex drive. He was trying too hard to be the "gentleman," and wouldn't access what he considered his more primitive side, which made sex less fulfilling.

[joystickd]

Why not just communicate your needs instead of going out somewhere else? Really say I need more sex or what can I do to get you in the mood more. Well maybe not in that way but in a better way. Hell put in the effort to work on it and if they are not receptive to it then end the relationship. You can't have a one sided relationship but at least put the effort in to work on the issues you have before straying. Sometimes you would be surprised the positive results you might get.

[compulsivedancer]

Why not just communicate your needs instead of going out somewhere else? Really say I need more sex or what can I do to get you in the mood more. Well maybe not in that way but in a better way. Hell put in the effort to work on it and if they are not receptive to it then end the relationship. You can't have a one sided relationship but at least put the effort in to work on the issues you have before straying. Sometimes you would be surprised the positive results you might get.

 

I tried. He didn't consider it a problem and didn't understand what I wanted. But that wasn't what caused the affair. It was one small part of me being unhappy with myself and where life was going.

[joystickd]

I tried. He didn't consider it a problem and didn't understand what I wanted. But that wasn't what caused the affair. It was one small part of me being unhappy with myself and where life was going.

Sounds like you communicated in your terms not in terms he could understand. Anyway sounds like you would have cheated either way. It's a shame if a person feels the need to go somewhere else just end the relationship you are in. Be mature.