joystickd Posted April 20, 2014 Share Posted April 20, 2014 The 'platonic husband': not all women marry because of genuine sexual attraction - Los Angeles Men's Dating Advice | Examiner.com I read this article and actually saw that episode of Dr. Phil. It makes one wonder why there are men that are not into getting married. Why would a woman do a man like this? Link to post Share on other sites
Leigh 87 Posted April 20, 2014 Share Posted April 20, 2014 Yep I take heart that Dr Phil didn't try to say " well you cant have everything, you have a great father and husband here, you guys can find ways to spark the chemistry" And yep it is hard to find it all. Honestly, my boyfriend is everything; a wonderful person, totally devoted to me, we give each other butterflies after 6 months the same way we did on day one.... great sexual chemistry. The only thing missing is; he has a short term memory problem and it is much harder for him to find a highly paid job. I thought long and hard about this crap and think that it is too rare to find a rich guy that you are SUPER sexually into and who is also a wonderful guy who is crazy about you, and YOU crazy for him too. The money thing to me is the only one I comprise on. I need great chemistry I need a guy that is super into me and we both need to be crazy about each other. With insane sexual chemistry. That alone ^^^ is hard to find.. great sexual chemistry in a totally devoted loving partner. Lacking sexual drive for him? I couldn't live without. It is damaging for the guy involved too.... He would just know that he wasn't totally appreciated Link to post Share on other sites
Frank2thepoint Posted April 20, 2014 Share Posted April 20, 2014 Reading that article made me angry, shocked, and sad. I know there are men out there that hate the idea of being alone, so they'll subject themselves to such humiliation and emasculation. But I really liked this part of the article, towards the end: I have heard some in society say, "I would rather have somebody than nobody." Sorry, but I disagree. I would rather be a lonely, sexless bachelor for the remainder of my life than to allow myself to be a woman's "platonic boyfriend" or "platonic husband" I too would rather be single for the rest of my life than subject myself to being in a relationship with a woman that doesn't want to share herself sexually with me. Besides, being a bachelor is great, and it's definitely not sexless. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
xxoo Posted April 20, 2014 Share Posted April 20, 2014 (edited) Why would a woman do a man like this? I do think it happens, but I don't think that the typical woman plans to cheat on the side, and most will never cheat. I think many women feel they have to choose between a man who excites her and a man who will be a good husband (loyal, loving, good father, responsible, etc). One justification I hear a lot is "passion fades anyway", which I personally believe is a misunderstanding of passion. Yes, it fades, but it doesn't disappear, and sexual desire is important. Also, I think women tend to get very caught up in the genuine excitement of wedding planning, and that spills over into excitement for the man who is making this all possible....until the wedding is over and boring married life sets in. Bottom line, I believe most women have the best intentions when the marry a good man who doesn't sexually excite her, even though it is a bad idea imo. Edited April 20, 2014 by xxoo 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Revolver Posted April 20, 2014 Share Posted April 20, 2014 They're lots of marriages that are more like friendships than actual romantic relationships. Like they love each other but the whole I wanna rip his or her clothes off sexual attraction is either long gone or never really was there Link to post Share on other sites
Author joystickd Posted April 20, 2014 Author Share Posted April 20, 2014 I do think it happens, but I don't think that the typical woman plans to cheat on the side, and most will never cheat. I think many women feel they have to choose between a man who excites her and a man who will be a good husband (loyal, loving, good father, responsible, etc). One justification I hear a lot is "passion fades anyway", which I personally believe is a misunderstanding of passion. Yes, it fades, but it doesn't disappear, and sexual desire is important. Also, I think women tend to get very caught up in the genuine excitement of wedding planning, and that spills over into excitement for the man who is making this all possible....until the wedding is over and boring married life sets in. Bottom line, I believe most women have the best intentions when the marry a good man who doesn't sexually excite her, even though it is a bad idea imo. I believe a person can find sexual chemistry and everything else that would make a person a good spouse in one person. It's just we are so impatient to wait to find that person. We all get to a point that sometimes desperation sets in and it's "OMG! I need to find someone before I am along forever!". My other thing is sexual chemistry starts with the mind. It's easy to give oral and do all types of positions but the mind is the thing to get and also we all fail to communicate our needs especially women. It's like they expect men to be mind readers. You can't be afraid to say what needs to be said. I'm big on honesty and this is one of those issues that a person has to be honest. Both parties need to be honest with themselves. As a woman if you are not attracted to this guy in that type of way don't pursue thing with them. It saves a lot of heartache. If the situation was reversed these same women would have a fit. As a man if you know it's not going anywhere leave Link to post Share on other sites
iris219 Posted April 20, 2014 Share Posted April 20, 2014 Why would a woman do a man like this? The beginning of the article says men do this too, so it comes down to people not wanting to be alone and wanting a stable family life. Link to post Share on other sites
janedoe67 Posted April 20, 2014 Share Posted April 20, 2014 The cheating part to me is a whole separate character issue. I think if you know someone loves you romantically, and you marry them even though you do not have that same love, you are selfish. Period. You want stability? Get a job and a labrador retriever. Don't mess with someone else's life and heart. And if you are married to someone who has no romantic inclinations and you are dying inside, work your butt off and then leave if it doesn't change. Don't cheat. I'm my case, I loved my husband completely. He is...basically asexual or maybe orientation conflicted....I'm not sure. But after twisting into a pretzel to try to be good enough for him to be in love with, I should have left. Cheating was the WRONG reaction and made things worse. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author joystickd Posted April 20, 2014 Author Share Posted April 20, 2014 The beginning of the article says men do this too, so it comes down to people not wanting to be alone and wanting a stable family life. It might have said that but the whole article pertained to women. The title was the platonic husband. That was why I said that. Link to post Share on other sites
Woggle Posted April 20, 2014 Share Posted April 20, 2014 These kinds of husbands are simply the lowest on the relationship totem pole. Can anybody name a single positive thing a man gets out of this on his end? Why would a man subject himself to this? Link to post Share on other sites
xxoo Posted April 20, 2014 Share Posted April 20, 2014 These kinds of husbands are simply the lowest on the relationship totem pole. Can anybody name a single positive thing a man gets out of this on his end? Why would a man subject himself to this? Kids, a partner who supports him in work and life, an additional earner in the family, a parenting partner, etc, etc. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
notserene Posted April 20, 2014 Share Posted April 20, 2014 When I was young I dated a couple of guys that I wasn't that attracted to but who I thought would be good LTR material. I ended up breaking up with them...we weren't anywhere near talking about marriage. They deserved to be with someone else. I can't imagine how crappy it would feel if someone told you "well, I don't find you very attractive but you're a good provider." Link to post Share on other sites
Author joystickd Posted April 20, 2014 Author Share Posted April 20, 2014 Kids, a partner who supports him in work and life, an additional earner in the family, a parenting partner, etc, etc. His needs arent being met so there is no benefit 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Woggle Posted April 20, 2014 Share Posted April 20, 2014 Kids, a partner who supports him in work and life, an additional earner in the family, a parenting partner, etc, etc. Still not worth the trade. A man can adopt and the amount of money he saves not being a provider would more than make up for whatever she brings in. When my ex left I was shocked at how much more disposable income I had. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
xxoo Posted April 20, 2014 Share Posted April 20, 2014 His needs arent being met so there is no benefit Each individual decides what he considers important. It may seem like no benefit to you, but huge benefit to another man. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author joystickd Posted April 20, 2014 Author Share Posted April 20, 2014 Each individual decides what he considers important. It may seem like no benefit to you, but huge benefit to another man. Those things sound more like the womans benefit. Link to post Share on other sites
xxoo Posted April 20, 2014 Share Posted April 20, 2014 Those things sound more like the womans benefit. Both genders can desire stability and family. I know some men who value it highly, more than a steamy sex life. I think men should be able to tell if the woman they are marrying feel sexual desire for him. It comes down to honesty: with ourselves as well as with others. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Keenly Posted April 20, 2014 Share Posted April 20, 2014 What a joke. That would break my heart if I married a woman and found it she was faking it just because she didn't want to be alone. I wouldn't ever be with some one who didn't desire me physically, emotionally, or sexually. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author joystickd Posted April 20, 2014 Author Share Posted April 20, 2014 Both genders can desire stability and family. I know some men who value it highly, more than a steamy sex life. I think men should be able to tell if the woman they are marrying feel sexual desire for him. It comes down to honesty: with ourselves as well as with others. Also if as a woman you are not fully into a man you shouldnt get married 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Keenly Posted April 20, 2014 Share Posted April 20, 2014 Both genders can desire stability and family. I know some men who value it highly, more than a steamy sex life. I think men should be able to tell if the woman they are marrying feel sexual desire for him. It comes down to honesty: with ourselves as well as with others. I think women should be honest and say if they want a business partnership or a life partnership. It shouldn't be on the man to "just know." 3 Link to post Share on other sites
gaius Posted April 20, 2014 Share Posted April 20, 2014 A lot of those milquetoast guys like to delude themselves into thinking they're sexually desirable and their wives like the stability they offer, so both parties get something out of it. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
xxoo Posted April 20, 2014 Share Posted April 20, 2014 Also if as a woman you are not fully into a man you shouldnt get married Keep in mind these things aren't yes/no. Often it's probably a matter of weighing if the sexual desire is "enough", and maybe convincing herself that it is (honesty with oneself comes up again) because the relationship is otherwise ideal, she's already fantasizing about the perfect family, and so on. Not to mention she probably LOVES him. In other words, he's too good to dump over something as seemingly shallow as lust. Link to post Share on other sites
xxoo Posted April 20, 2014 Share Posted April 20, 2014 I think women should be honest and say if they want a business partnership or a life partnership. It shouldn't be on the man to "just know." It's both. But an experienced man should be able to read the signs. Give people credit for being able to make choices, including choosing to marry when the sexual heat is absent. I hold women responsible for the same things. What was he/she like before you married? Did you expect marriage to fix things? Because that never works. Link to post Share on other sites
Author joystickd Posted April 20, 2014 Author Share Posted April 20, 2014 It's both. But an experienced man should be able to read the signs. Give people credit for being able to make choices, including choosing to marry when the sexual heat is absent. I hold women responsible for the same things. What was he/she like before you married? Did you expect marriage to fix things? Because that never works. That is why you have to not wait for sex. If the sex is bad then you can move on 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Woggle Posted April 20, 2014 Share Posted April 20, 2014 A lot of those milquetoast guys like to delude themselves into thinking they're sexually desirable and their wives like the stability they offer, so both parties get something out of it. I never view delusion as something anybody should strive for. What a sad life these men live. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts