What would you do about this drama?

[Mommame2]

This is my daily drama. And I just want to know how common it is.

This afternoon we were all going to go out to eat. Around 3:30. I was ready. They wanted to watch a hockey game. I said ok. So I laid on couch and fell asleep for short nap. When I woke up my husband was screaming at the top of his lungs about the game. I bit my tongue and said nothing about how jarring that is to someone napping.

 

 

So I stood up and said lets get dinner now that it's 5pm. I went toward the door. They ignored me. So I started doing my make up at the door with my mirror.

 

I finally said hey when are we going? I guess I had a tone and DH started yelling at me that I needed to stop yelling. My son said "she's not yelling you are."

 

So then he got ticked. I walked to the car and got son in car. DH started slamming doors. And then DH started saying that we should just stay home. And then he started slamming the car into gear. I said we should not be going to dinner like this. Let's just stay. So DH shuts off car ...

Son started crying and told DH to apologize to me. He eventually did.

 

During this I whispered please don't do this in front of him. But he kept on. He didn't care.

 

Again he did cool down and try to make civil conversation. But I was really hurt and annoyed.

 

Does that sound extreme?

[lollipopspot]

Yes, that sounds very extreme, stressful, and unhealthy for your son to be around. I would not find it tolerable.

 

Can you get counseling to try to help you both communicate better?

[Silly_Girl]

I've lived that life. It won't improve just because you will it to.

 

What's your plan?

[Mommame2]

He won't go to counseling. He is just him ... As he says.

 

Typically I just smile and swallow my thoughts to avoid scenes like that but today I just couldn't. I was Just done with it.

 

I guess my point is I just make it all peaceful by ignoring his attitude. And disrespect. If I speak up... That's what happens.

[Frank2thepoint]

Your husband, I'm assuming this because I have no clue what "D" is in "DH" (maybe "DH" = "dumb husband"?), is very selfish. He seems to have some passive-aggressive tendencies, and definitely some anger issues. Did I mention he is selfish? I would first communicate with him, talk with him about what he did was wrong, selfish, hurtful. Don't insult him, because maybe he'll flip. If that doesn't work, try couple's counseling/therapy. Of course, in order for you two to make it to couple's counseling, he needs to keep his attitude in check.

[Mommame2]

Yeah he is difficult. But I also realize that is just him.

 

I don't see him changing. One time when my parents were visiting he got ticked off on way to brunch and drove us home and left us all waiting for him in driveway... He said he was going inside.

 

I went in to discover he was playing a videogame. Said he wasn't going anywhere. Pouting like a. 5 year old.

 

I don't think that will happen now cause that was addressed. But still that's what in dealing with.

[gaius]

I'd have sex with his best friend so the terrible situation can finally come to an end and he gets his rightful punishment for being worthless, not making any money and taking it out on you.

[Arieswoman]

Momame2,

 

I went in to discover he was playing a videogame. Said he wasn't going anywhere. Pouting like a. 5 year old.

 

You're married to a child, not a man, and a spoilt one at that.

 

You need to talk to him about what effect his behaviour is having on you and your child. Tell him what changes you want to see.

 

If he refuses to alter his behaviour then you need to separate. Could you go to your mother's for a while?

 

This man is verbally abusive. You need to get out before he starts to use his fists.

[Mommame2]

Well that particular scenario with the video game happened over 2 years ago. But the shouting incident over a simple lunch/dinner happened today.

 

The thing is ... This stuff doesn't happen every day because I typically don't say anything about his meltdowns or sarcastic tones.

 

That's just my fate IF I decide to have a backbone.

[Speakingofwhich]

You could go to counseling on your own.

 

Also, can you talk with him about this some time when he doesn't seem irritated?

 

Maybe you could tell him you have something to talk with him about and ask when would be a good time to do it.

 

He may be depressed. Sometimes irritable people are. Also, is he under a great deal of stress in his life? Or is this just the normal him?

[Mommame2]

I had a talk with him tonight and told him id like to go back to counseling. He said okay and rolled his eyes and asked why.

 

I told him the yelling at me etc was good example and that I feel we need to work on communication. Then there was about 5 min of silence. I finally asked what he was thinking about. And he said that everything I told him made him feel like a loser and that it was a "pretty big dump". That I made him feel like a bad person.

 

I told him I was hoping he would say he loved me and wanted to work on it. He said well I said "sorry earlier!"

 

I said but it isn't the same. You are rolling your eyes and making me the bad guy for speaking up.

 

He just said he wasn't a good communicator and it isn't easy to fix.

 

What am iv supposed to think?

[Arieswoman]

Mommame,

I'm confused, on the one hand you say

 

This stuff doesn't happen every day because I typically don't say anything about his meltdowns or sarcastic tones.

 

But in the first post you say,

 

This is my daily drama.

 

He's a manipulator and you allow him to do it. He gets his own way by going off on one and then punishes you for speaking up by silence. Then he lays a guilt trip on you.

 

You certainly need IC to help deal with this.

 

Here's an article on the subject,

 

Domestic Violence and Abuse: Signs of Abuse and Abusive Relationships

 

I am concerned his verbal abuse may escalate into physical abuse, and would still recommend a period of separation.

[Silly_Girl]

OP, it feels as though you've resigned yourself to this being your 'fate' (not that fate exists...).

 

What do you want from us. Meant with kindness but... Is it just some sympathy that you live this life? Or do you actually want to make changes?

[eye of the storm]

Mommame2, I lived that marriage for 18+ years. It never got better for me. I tried doing everything to keep the peace, he found other reasons to get upset, I tried standing up for myself and the kids, he "punished" us all with his silences and fits, I tried ignoring it but even if you don't react you feel the stress. The only time I could be counted on to stand my ground was with the kids, when he went after them I got him mad at me and then during the fight with me he would get off the kids.

 

Disclaimer: he never got physically abusive.

 

After awhile I discovered the kids were doing the same thing to him that I was. If he went after me, they purposely got his attention on them. they tried pacifying, they rarely stood up for themselves.

 

Your son is trying to protect his mother. He is a good kid.

 

You have to fix this, if not for yourself (which you do deserve) fix it for him.

 

My therapist told me if I had put my foot down earlier in our marriage, there would only have been 1 of 2 outcomes. I would have had a better marriage, or I would have been divorced much earlier. Either way, our lives would have been better.

 

You and your son deserve to live in a house where you feel free to express yourself and feel that your emotions are safe.

 

Good luck, it is a hard road ahead of you but the journey is so worth it.

[salparadise]

I lived in a dysfunctional marriage for years. Communication and real problem solving were nonexistent. She refused to go to counseling. I eventually got her to agree, made the appointment, and when the day came she refused. I went by myself and it became individual therapy... which was needed and valuable. I read tons of books on family systems, personality disorders, mindfulness, spirituality, etc. The fog began to clear and I eventually realized that it was never going to change because she wasn't capable nor did she want it to, that my fundamental human needs weren't being met, and that I had been scarred emotionally and psychologically from enduring too many years of that insanity.

 

I learned how to be calmly and quietly assertive, to not engage in the dance of dysfunction. This meant that by default something had to change, for better or worse. I hoped it would force her to deal with stuff, go to counseling, grow, learn a new way of relating. It didn't. We divorced. It was necessary.

 

My advice is go to therapy, and make sure you have a highly qualified therapist (Ph.D psychologist with family systems expertise). You will grow and gain perspective. You will become more aware and assertive. Your life will improve even if your marriage does not. If you change the family will change, and when it just isn't working change is needed. It may get worse before it gets better, but something needs to change. Make the appointment.

[Mommame2]

Yes this is exactly how I felt. That I finally spoke up ... Calmly etc and he got angry for me telling him my feelings. That he doesn't like being told that he did bad things etc.

 

EVERY time I try to talk to him about something it always comes back to that. He gets upset because he says my concerns make him feel like a loser etc.

 

He says he will go back to therapy but I could instantly see it will be the same pattern. He gets very upset even in the counseling. But I will make an appt this week.

 

I already go to IC and my therapist asked me to start coming twice a week. I guess she is also recognizing the themes in my life.

 

It is hard...

 

 

He's a manipulator and you allow him to do it. He gets his own way by going off on one and then punishes you for speaking up by silence. Then he lays a guilt trip on you.

 

You certainly need IC to help deal with this.

 

Here's an article on the subject,

 

Domestic Violence and Abuse: Signs of Abuse and Abusive Relationships

 

I am concerned his verbal abuse may escalate into physical abuse, and would still recommend a period of separation.