Which infraction is worse: infidelity, or abuse?

[RonaldS]

Just want to conduct an informal poll. Abuse can be emotional/mental, verbal or physical.

 

Which one of these, if a good friend came to you and told you that their SO had committed, would you be most inclined to say, 'You need to get out if that relationship'?

 

I do have a reason for asking, and will elaborate on that later...so as to not skew results.

[Under The Radar]

Not trying to be sarcastic or trivialize your question, but ...... couldn't infidelity be considered a form of abuse?

 

 

They are both bad, but if I had to say which is worse, IMO, it would be abuse.

[RonaldS]

Not trying to be sarcastic or trivialize your question, but ...... couldn't infidelity be considered a form of abuse?

 

 

They are both bad, but if I had to say which is worse, IMO, it would be abuse.

 

No, because you can cheat without your SO ever finding out, and therefore ever being affected adversely by it.

 

Pretty hard to be abusive to a SO w/o them knowing about it and being affected by it.

[Under The Radar]

No, because you can cheat without your SO ever finding out, and therefore ever being affected adversely by it.

 

Pretty hard to be abusive to a SO w/o them knowing about it and being affected by it.

 

 

 

 

 

I understand what you are saying in a literal sense. I was just thinking that cheating on an SO, even if they are unaware, indirectly causes harm despite the secrecy.

[janedoe67]

I dunno

 

Which is worse, getting stabbed or getting strangled?

 

Seriously, both are bad, and when we start the "my pain is worse than your pain" thing, nothing good happens.

[Catwoman13]

Just want to conduct an informal poll. Abuse can be emotional/mental, verbal or physical.

 

Which one of these, if a good friend came to you and told you that their SO had committed, would you be most inclined to say, 'You need to get out if that relationship'?

 

I do have a reason for asking, and will elaborate on that later...so as to not skew results.

 

Infidelity is abuse. It's an abuse of trust.

[gaius]

I'll take someone directing negative attention solely at me over giving someone else what's rightfully mine any day of the week.

[RonaldS]

Ok, let's not add a whole bunch of nuance to this.

 

Face value hypothetical: a friend comes to and tells you that her partner cheated on her; or that friend comes to you and tells you that her partner was abusive to her. How do you judge her partner? Which one so you think is worse?

[ThatMan]

I wouldn't judge her partner...

 

Instead I'll hand her a business card from my wallet that has the information of various local shelters scribbled on the back. I bet that isn't the answer you're searching for, right?

 

Maybe I'll say something along the lines of, "You don't need to tolerate his mistreatment." Which is true, after all. Nobody has to tolerate ongoing abuse or infidelity.

 

Abusers and cheaters so often go through entire campaigns of blame shifting simply because they do not want to look bad. This is because they know people judge and look down on these antics. So to answer your question, lot's of people harshly judge *****y behavior, completely regardless of the source or circumstance.

[almond]

Ok, let's not add a whole bunch of nuance to this.

 

Face value hypothetical: a friend comes to and tells you that her partner cheated on her; or that friend comes to you and tells you that her partner was abusive to her. How do you judge her partner? Which one so you think is worse?

 

Impossible to answer. If a friend came to me to advise that she were being abused, I would be asking questions. Same with the cheating.

 

Abuse...emotional, verbal, physical?

 

You can't make a blanket judgement as to which is worse. Too many variables.

 

If a man repeatedly punches his wife in the face because he didn't like his dinner (physical abuse), I'd say that would be worse than a man getting incredibly drunk and kissing another woman, then immediately confessing and regretting it (cheating).

 

On the other hand, if a man sleeps with his partner's mother (cheating), then I would consider that worse than a man calling his wife a bitch (verbal abuse) during a heated argument.

 

The answer to your question is highly dependent upon the situation, and isn't always the same.

[Trimmer]

No, because you can cheat without your SO ever finding out, and therefore ever being affected adversely by it.

 

Pretty hard to be abusive to a SO w/o them knowing about it and being affected by it.

I reject your assertion that an unknowing BS is unaffected by a cheating WS.

 

Face value hypothetical: a friend comes to and tells you that her partner cheated on her; or that friend comes to you and tells you that her partner was abusive to her. How do you judge her partner? Which one so you think is worse?

Subject to the details of either situation (agreeing with almond's points above), I'd be just as likely to tell each of them to leave their relationships, and I wouldn't feel a need to judge or rank their partners as to which one is "worse."

 

The main effect of continuing that "which one is worse" line of discussion will ultimately be that you'll force both offenses to be measured on a common arbitrary scale of some sort, and thus you'll induce abused and cheated-on people to line up in adversarial postures to advocate why their side is "worse." I don't see how that's supportive or productive - or even makes sense.

 

Maybe your reason-to-be-explained-later will help put it all in context, but...

Edited April 20, 2014 by Trimmer

[dichotomy]

#1 Physical Abuse

#2 Cheating

#3 Verbal Abuse (with no physical inference - like "I am going to hurt you" - else see#1)

[iris219]

Physical abuse is worse because it's potentially very dangerous.

 

Cheating on someone is a terrible breach of trust but no is going to end up in the hospital or dead because of it. There's a reason why you can go to jail for hitting someone but not for sleeping with your hot neighbor.

[GemmaUK]

Cheating is a form of abuse too.

 

If I were given an option to suffer cheating or any other form of abuse I would choose to be cheated on.

The focus isn't on me so it's the easiest one to get away from.

[Haydn]

When i was late teens early 20s and had a walnut for a brain and thought i was the `dogs bollocks, I had multiple girlfriends (The very thought!) But now as a wise old middle aged `Peter Pan`. Then it is ABUSE.

 

I would have rather have been cheated on then gone through what i did.

 

That`s my `Cod and chips` worth.

[RonaldS]

A little insight; I've been through both.

 

I'm curious how people would view them and maybe rank them. Interestingly, verbal abuse is worse than you would think. Those words just never go away.

[iiiii]

Depends on the degree of both. Either can be worse depending on exactly what is going on.

 

"Abuse" can mean anything from seriously injuring a person or destroying their trust and self esteem entirely, to just calling them rude names in the heat of an argument.

[Trimmer]

A little insight; I've been through both.

 

I'm curious how people would view them and maybe rank them. Interestingly, verbal abuse is worse than you would think. Those words just never go away.

It seems likely that a consensus would not emerge, because there are so many variables, both in the breadth of the spectra of cheating and abuse, and in the experience, the personalities, and sensitivities of the aggrieved parties.

[RonaldS]

To me, they go in this order:

 

1. Physical abuse- that's just a big no-no. You can sort of spin other abuse and infidelity, but there's no way to justify physically attacking somebody.

 

2. Emotional abuse- emotional abuse is sort of hard to define and has a broad spectrum. Anything from constantly being mean, 'punishing' somebody emotionally when you're mad at them, not talking, shutting your SO, taking all of your other problems out on your SO, yelling at them, constantly criticizing w/o basis, making them feel guilty anytime you don't get what you want, not showing love, making your SO get your approval just to get your love, being demeaning.

 

3. Infidelity- this one is tricky because it has to be judged on a case-by-case basis. There's a huge spectrum....anywhere from full-blown affairs where two people essentially have a side-life together all the way down to things like EAs where the person just wants somebody else to talk to, or porn. Some people even consider checking others out or flirting as a form of infidelity.

 

4. Verbal abuse- verbal abuse can suck to deal with, and at it's core, is a total lack of respect. And often words spoken can't be taken back. I can remember every single sh*tty thing my XW ever said to me. The problem was, if anybody else in the world said some of those things to me, I would put them on full-blast. But she was my wife, who I loved and respected, so I couldn't really retaliate. Name-calling, demeaning criticism, etc. As adults, we should be able to brush that stuff off, but it still hurts, especially when you can't fight back.

[RonaldS]

On my list, 2 & 3 are pretty much on the same level. The big difference is that you can have somebody cheating on you and not know it. Pretty hard to not know when somebody is emotionally abusive.

 

And even if you are aware of infidelity, it's weird....you can still have something of a good relationship with that person. Maybe not during, although it would depend on the nature of the infidelity. But post-affair, two people can work together and get back on the same page and have a good relationship.

 

But when somebody is emotionally abusive, it just sucks to be around them. It sucks to get home and see their car there . It sucks to see that look on their face all the time. It sucks to spend every minute of the day walking on eggshells. That was probably the hardest thing to deal with on a minute-by-minute basis.

 

I forgot to add a big one in emotional abuse: constantly threatening to leave. That's just such a sh*tty thing to do to your partner. It essentially sets the relationship up for failure. Insecure people do this because they're so afraid to get hurt, but the reality is that if and when a person does get hurt, dealing with it is far more complicated than the solution we have in our minds.

[serial muse]

I reject your assertion that an unknowing BS is unaffected by a cheating WS.

 

 

Subject to the details of either situation (agreeing with almond's points above), I'd be just as likely to tell each of them to leave their relationships, and I wouldn't feel a need to judge or rank their partners as to which one is "worse."

 

The main effect of continuing that "which one is worse" line of discussion will ultimately be that you'll force both offenses to be measured on a common arbitrary scale of some sort, and thus you'll induce abused and cheated-on people to line up in adversarial postures to advocate why their side is "worse." I don't see how that's supportive or productive - or even makes sense.

 

Maybe your reason-to-be-explained-later will help put it all in context, but...

 

This, exactly. I would also add that I think it's rare bordering on nonexistent that infidelity wouldn't come along with emotional abuse, at the very least. Even when the infidelity is unacknowledged. These things don't fall into boxes.

 

But Trimmer's larger point is exactly right: I agree that it doesn't really make much sense to line people who have suffered up against each other. All of these things suck.

[RonaldS]

This, exactly. I would also add that I think it's rare bordering on nonexistent that infidelity wouldn't come along with emotional abuse, at the very least. Even when the infidelity is unacknowledged. These things don't fall into boxes.

 

But Trimmer's larger point is exactly right: I agree that it doesn't really make much sense to line people who have suffered up against each other. All of these things suck.

 

We're not making teams and pitting them against each other. We're telling stories.

 

Everybody is different and everybody deals with things differently. It's interesting to find out how people deal with things, and probably helpful to people to talk about how things affect them. It's awareness and perspective, and we should be curious about these things.

 

It doesn't trivialize this stuff for somebody to rank these infractions in their own minds. It does trivialize it to just say, 'well, it all sucks, so let's just move on'.

 

I have read a zillion different threads on this board, and 'cheating' comes up a lot. It seems to generally be considered the worst thing you could ever do to your partner. That premise is interesting to me, because when it happened to me, it hurt, but I took it in stride and didn't make it about me. I was able to deal with it and move on...not just move on myself, but move on with the person who cheated. I never dug into the extent of her relationship, beyond what I knew. When it happened, I drew a line in the sand, and she moved on with me and never looked back to the other person or anybody else.

 

Then, after we separated, information came out that indicated that she may have had some other who-knows-what going on for a little while. I can't prove any of it, and really, I didn't care beyond the initial getting mad. I didn't care and didn't dig. It was like, 'whatever'.

 

However, the emotional abuse in our relationship was just unbearable. It was inescapable. It made so much of the time with her miserable. Just a miserable day-to-day existence. I remember thinking, 'I would rather have her cheat on me and be nice than deal with this crap'. So, when I see people state that cheating is the worst thing you can do to your partner, I'm inclined to respond with my perspective that there are things that can actually hurt worse, and then I get labeled as supporting cheating...which is ridiculous.

 

Anyway, this board isn't professional therapy, so I think it's ok to just have real and frank conversations about what hurts us.

[peaksandvalleys]

No, because you can cheat without your SO ever finding out, and therefore ever being affected adversely by it.

 

Pretty hard to be abusive to a SO w/o them knowing about it and being affected by it.

 

 

Exposing someone to a sexual disease without their consent is abuse. I didn't know and it affected my health.

[MissBee]

Ok, let's not add a whole bunch of nuance to this.

 

Face value hypothetical: a friend comes to and tells you that her partner cheated on her; or that friend comes to you and tells you that her partner was abusive to her. How do you judge her partner? Which one so you think is worse?

 

Sorry but all you will get is flat answers that are in no way realistic.

 

It doesn't work like that.

 

Even if a situation is hypothetical it still has to follow some sense of reality. You want people not to add any nuance and just say which is worse...makes no sense. In any situation like that it would clearly depend on lots of other details...so I don't see what is to be gained by asking a question and forcing people not to consider what they would actually consider given the situation.

 

In any event: if my friend came to me and was being abused or being cheated on, both would be bad and I would judge her partner for both of these things. Some cases of infidelity are heinous and can be just as abusive. You obviously want us to just imagine some empty situation with no details and make a judgment and tell you which is worse, but there is no objective worse here, it simply would depend. But for argument's sake I can see how in particular cases one may recover a relationship from particular kinds of infidelity whereas I'd be less likely to suggest reconciliation in the case of abuse.

 

Curious: what's the point/what are you trying to get at by asking this question?

[MissBee]

Physical abuse is worse because it's potentially very dangerous.

 

Cheating on someone is a terrible breach of trust but no is going to end up in the hospital or dead because of it. There's a reason why you can go to jail for hitting someone but not for sleeping with your hot neighbor.

 

Not really true...see the cases of people's SO's cheating and giving them STD's, some incurable, where they did end up in the hospital. There was one case on LS where the woman was pregnant at the time and contracted an STD from her cheating spouse that endangered her baby's life smh...