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am i in the wrong?


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Hi new here,

I have reached a crisis point with my boyfriend of just over a year. He is the first man I have been with who has not been emotionally or physically abusive, and I feel very strongly about him. However my problem is that I feel he does not wish to socialize with me out with the house.

 

For the best part of the year we have not been out as a couple, due to him being out of work and even when I have offered to pay he has declined. Now he has been out at work the 1st people he chooses to go out with are his friends. I joined them one night as it was a night that suited due to my daughter being at her grans. Last Saturday we were asked to a friends for drinks, he said no and I had had enough so went on my own. He took me to the pictures the next day but only cause I had asked him the following week to go.

 

He phones Thursday there to tell me he is going out after work on the Friday with the boys as. Well as Sunday, which leaves Saturday in the house with me watching TV like we have done every weekend apart from 5 at the most throughout the whole time we have been together.

 

When I told him how I felt he replied with horrible text saying I was selfish and out of order and a lot more nasty things that shocked me as he has never spoke to me like that.

 

All I want is to go out with my boyfriend now and again as I feel like all we do is sit in.

 

I haven't spoken to him since Thursday and to be honest I don't know where to go from here.

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eye of the storm

Welcome Happyh81.

 

Im sorry you are going thru this. Im worried that because you said this is the first boyfriend you've had that wasn't abusive you are willing to still accept behavior from him that you don't like.

 

There are a massive amount of men who are not abusive and enjoy occasionally being seen in public with their girl.

 

Because you have a habit of picking people who are abusive I would take some time out of the dating world and find out what is going on there. We tend to pick the same kind a partner again and again. Even when it is something we don't like. It takes time to figure out the whys and how to change it.

 

You deserve to be in a relationship where first off you are safe, and second off your needs are met.

 

It doesn't sound like you are wanting to go out all the time. Once or twice a month is not excessive.

 

Good luck.

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It sounds like a classic case of not appreciating what he has in you. You were there while he was unemployed, you're there now he's employed, he thinks you'll always be there and he can just go drinking with his work colleagues all the time - having his cake and eating it. He's lost sight of the fact that you're an independent person, that relationships require give and take, he's taking you for granted.

 

You need to remind him. If he can get nasty because you ask to go out, perhaps he isn't quite the reasonable guy you thought he was. Or perhaps he's just a spoiled little bitch who needs a talking to about how to treat a girlfriend to mentally slap it out of him and set him right.

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Thanks guys.

 

Its now Sunday and I have heard from him but not seen him as I've been very dry. He is acting the way he always acts which is 'if I act like we've not argued I can avoid having to be an adult and have a discussion' but this time its not cutting it.

 

He was hoping I would ask him to come over yesterday but I had made my own plans, and now he has his other day out today with his pals I'm already an after thought.

 

So question is do I wait till we are face to face to have it out or say something through a text?

 

PS I did take 2 years out of dating after last abusive relationship. But I know current boyfriend is taking me for granted.

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That's still abusive, to a mild degree.

But if you are not getting from this relationship, what you feel you need, then there is dysfunction, is there not?

 

 

 

The sad thing is, YOU cannot compensate for what HE will not give you.

If he loves to only 50% of his ability you cannot make up that deficit, and love to 150%.

 

Can't be done.

 

If this is not right - quit making so much effort, and leave.

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eye of the storm

Happy, It sounds like you are smart. You are doing the work you need to do to get healthy yourself and to make better choices. Good for you.

 

Keep it up.

 

Call him or don't. But have this discussion with him.

 

I hate confrontations about things like this. So I send an email. It allows me to take all the time I need to word things just so and to get my feelings out without dealing with blowback. My guy knows this and he understands. lol He is still never sure if it is good/bad when he gets a text telling him to ck his email (I also send "fun" emails too).

 

You are learning how to stand up for yourself. You need to figure out how best to do that for yourself.

 

Learning how to set reasonable boundaries and how to defend them is hard and takes a lot of practice. You will get there.

 

Be proud of how far you've come, don't be afraid of how far you still have.

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It could be that he is only loving you with 50% of his capacity.

 

Or, perhaps he loves you as much as he is capable of, and is simply a selfish person?

 

In either case, it is best to find a more suitable man. Who gives you as much love as he is capable of giving and who is not selfish.

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Eye of the storm thank you for your positive words. I gave a too much of myself too early on and now I think he is expecting the same, but he is soon finding out my limits.

 

Funny thing is after my relationships with the abusive exes they start of by showering me with gifts and wining and dining me before the Mr Hyde in them come out but by then your sucked in to their control. And now I've gone to the opposite end where my boyfriend couldn't care less. I sometimes wonder if I'm better being on my own.

 

Igive up Lol.

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eye of the storm

Happy, there is a happy medium. I swear.

 

And you know from your learning that most abusive partners start out in the honeymoon phase.

 

We all take 2 steps forward and 1 back. Yours is not even that bad in the grand scheme of things.

 

He may realize what he is losing and start putting in some effort. (make sure it is an actual change of heart or the behavior will go back eventually)

 

Or think about the things that are truly important for you in a relationship and then don't compromise.

 

Im not talking about tall dark and handsome things. Im talking character and habits. For me, I have to be able to talk to my partner, I need to be honest with them and feel that my feelings are safe. I need to be able to be silly and not looked down on. I want someone who laughs and makes me laugh. And I need them to be financially responsible. You need to take the time to figure out what you NEED and then don't settle.

 

Its hard to think you deserve to be treated a certain way. But until you do think that you deserve it...its hard to get them to do it.

 

Remember, moving forward, always toward something, is the best direction you can go.

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In the grand scheme it really isn't a big deal, and it could turn out that if we both go out for a drink we may not actually enjoy each others company when both drunk (it happens) but I would like to find this out and go from there.

 

I know what you mean by knowing what you want from a relationship and not settling for less.

 

I would like to think we can iron these issues out, as when we are together everything is so peaceful. Nothing like what I've had before. He doesn't play mind games and I can honestly say I trust him which is a big thing for me. And my daughter adores him.

 

I will give him his time and when I finally see him I will be having a proper chat of what I will and will not accept

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