Would you date someone who has knowingly been the other man/woman?

[kaylan]

I know we have had threads asking if someone would date a past cheater...but what about dating someone whos helped someone cheat in the past by being the other man/woman? I cant remember if Ive made this thread before...so lets talk now.

 

Personally I see that behavior to be almost just as bad as the person in the relationship. Its still very selfish to knowingly sleep with someone whos got a mate or try to steal that person away. I feel that one's behavior in any sort of cheating situation lends to their beliefs regarding fidelity as a whole. I couldnt really believe that a woman whos selfishly been the other woman could hold honesty and fidelity in enough high regard so that she wouldnt lie or cheat to me.

 

Ive always felt respect for relationships was something that cant be a pick and choose type thing. Like I dont buy the idea of disrespecting someone elses relationship, but then being trustworthy enough to respect your own. Either you respect love and fidelity or you dont. And if someone is into picking and choosing which relationships get respect...than that selfishness isnt something that makes them a quality mate for me.

 

While there is a small chance I could overlook a girl being the other woman if it was well in the past and she showed a good bit of regret...it would have to be in situations where one time things got out of hand and she quickly ended it. An ongoing affair would just give me no ability to trust such a person.

 

I know no one is perfect...but I my desire for honesty and my being cheated on at the young age of 18, instilled within me a low tolerance for infidelity.

[Catwoman13]

Depends on the age of the person at the time they were the other person.

 

If they were inexperienced and woefully naive, but seem pretty cool now, I would personally give them a chance. Sometimes people make mistakes. What do you want, a perfect world? I think it's great you stick close by your principles, but just be careful you don't turn into a judgmental fanatic.

 

I did make this mistake once, and personally, I can tell you from experience that it is something I would never wish to repeat or waste time on ever again.

 

I am sure any person with half a brain could tell you the same.

[Candy_Pants]

I'm honestly not sure if I would or not. It's never happened (that I've known of).

[Leigh 87]

No.

 

If I fell madly in love with a man who later told me, I would be royally p*ssed.

[todreaminblue]

preferable world there would be no other men or women...people make some pretty huge mistakes.people hurt people every day intentionally o rnot intentionally..speaking of....i am the last person to judge some on past sexual history or definitely not even lack there of a sexual history......i actually respect that a past is past......and i know i want be given a chance so why shouldnt i give one..... it would raise a flag for me...as i would be a red flag for most....but when i get to know someone i give a clean slate i didnt know them when they made a mistake so how can i know they havent changed and grown because of it.....in my experience a habitual cheat will always be a risk..i have to believe they are who they appear to be until proven different..deb

[janedoe67]

It would depend on how they dealt with it, how they viewed the choice now, and what kind of person they had been since then.

 

I'm not usually one to assume that because someone made a bad choice X years ago they are forever disqualified to be of any value or worthy of a relationship.

[kaylan]

They aren't the cheater though. The married person is.

 

Of course, anyone with half a brain simply wouldn't tell you. I sure wouldn't.

It doesnt matter if they arent the cheater. If they willingly showed disregard for someone elses relationship, it shows me fidelity isnt much important to them and that they are selfish. Thats unattractive to me in a woman. And if shed lie about it? Even more unattractive. At least if the chick is honest about flubbing up a while ago in the past, and showed legit remorse and didnt get the fling ongoing, I might try and see past it.

 

Id make it known during the dating stages how I feel about such behavior, so she can excuse herself from dating me rather than lie to me. Id def put it across that I couldnt date such a woman as I wouldnt respect someone who without remorse, selfishly engaged in an affair. Though if she was the other woman to a married man, I definitely wouldnt chance dating her. I understand people make dumb mistakes when they are young....but when you know for a fact some if married...thats a huge line you crossed thats different from a bf-gf situation.

 

Luckily for me, when this conversation has come up in the past...I knew the women well enough to know going into the convo, that they were like minded. And I got responses and insight into their past that let me know we were on the same page.

 

Its a shame that youre so ok with deceit, and lies of omission. I keep finding that out more and more from your posts. I can only hope I am able to sniff out such women in my dating life.

Edited April 18, 2014 by kaylan

[ThaWholigan]

It depends on the circumstance, but it's highly unlikely I would. The potential for triangles in a monogamous relationships don't really sound appealing.

 

It would be more acceptable if I were in an open relationship - but then, such a partner wouldn't be right for that arrangement either!

[Under The Radar]

I was an OM years ago and would disclose that information to a prospective partner early on ...... certainly before anything intimate happens.

 

 

I wouldn't tell someone because I feel guilty at this point in my life, or that I need forgiveness from anyone. No, I would choose to reveal that part of my past because that person deserves to have relevant information about choices I've made ...... even if they were bad.

 

 

I have no desire to hide any skeletons, I may have in my closet, so that someone will be with me. Either accept me as I am ...... or not at all. I know it's not something I'd ever do again, but I cannot convince someone of that fact if they choose to wrongly judge me.

 

 

If I'm going to be condemned, shunned, or shamed for any mistakes (though I don't look at it as a mistake, but more of a profound and costly learning experience) I've made in my life ...... well, I want to know quickly that's the case ...... not later on, down the road, once emotions have been invested.

[SYLLPalmer]

I was lectured and judged by a man I am dating for an admission I made about an emotional affair I had with a married man just prior to our meeting. The pain and guilt evoked in me by this inappropriate relationship prompted radical change in my life which included the commencement of internet dating and hence the meeting of lecturing/judging man.

 

The lecturing/judging man is in the process of divorcing a women who cheated on him. He is a classy guy who chose family over intimate fulfillment when the opportunity presented itself to him years earlier. In his dissertation on the error of my ways he pin pointed the aspect of betrayal as the root of the exquisite pain and devastation from the fallout of his dissolved marriage.

 

But here is the klinker my lecturing/judgmental man tresspassed against another when he engaged in sexual relations/intercourse with a married women he met and dated on the rebound from his failed marriage.

 

Not all relationships are created equally and sometimes the "best" of us won't walk away. Those of us who believe we are above it may never have found ourselves at precipice of bliss evoked on the backdrop of infidelity.

What I am really driving at is the turning tables in the glass house. Life includes choices that hurt others. Let us not forget that cheating is a symptom... I would evaluate it based on the specific facts in the case and go forward with eyes wide open. Of course considering that I am an admitted cheater my opinion probably holds no water with the holy.

[topaMAXX]

I would never date a woman that has ever cheated or has been the other woman. There's no place in my life for that kind of trash.

[Smilecharmer]

Not if it happened after the age of twenty one. I feel by that time they should have developed their character.

[kaylan]

But that's your problem. You are so obsessed with sniffing out deceit, that you're shooting yourself in the foot.

Its not shooting ones self in the foot to get rid of low quality prospects.

Instead of realising that people are allowed to make mistakes and deserve a chance to be better, you're condemning people left right and centre. What makes you think you're so perfect?

They can have that chance with someone else. I should be allowed the chance to make my own decisions while knowing the truth. I should be allowed the chance to find someone I feel is truly compatible with me.

 

A history of infidelity or deceit is something I should be allowed to know and make an informed decision on. Im not perfect, but I dont contribute infidelity, so its important to me to find the same in a woman.

 

 

I'm not interested in information that has no bearing on me. Whatever their past, everyone gets a chance to treat me right. If they don't, they get booted. Simple. I'm not "ok with deceit". I've never cheated, but I have been cheated on. But just because someone has cheated doesn't mean that they're a morally bankrupt human being that doesn't deserve love and should be punted off to some island colony like a leper. They just didn't deserve a second chance with the person they cheated on.

lolololol

 

I love how people always pretend the past has no bearing. The way someone has behaved in the past regarding fidelity or promiscuity, definitely shows how they feel about it. For me, a quality woman is one who has shown quality traits in her behavior now and in the past. Sure some people learn from their mistakes, and they are free to date someone whos ok with those mistakes. Same way Im free to date someone I feel is more stable.

 

Ok, you are cool with dating cheaters...but that doesnt mean everyone has to be. Ive seen you in other threads, as well as this one, encourage omitting information a new partner might find important to them. To me thats deceptive to do if you know for a fact the other person feels such information is important.

Your screening process will ultimately work against you. If you keep acting like this, every woman will excuse themselves from dating you - not because they have a past, but because you are so judgmental. It gets really boring.

lololol

 

Actually Im doing just find. The women Ive met whove ever shown an issue with what I said, are generally women who have fvked up in the past. The girls with a clean record usually agree with what I say, or bring up the topic first. In which case we are on the same page and things are ok.

 

In my view, what really works against people is ignoring their gut, as well as ignoring things that signal possible problems in the future. A history of lies, selfish, or cheating is something that shouldnt be ignored and does work against people much of the time.

 

Theres nothing wrong with me wanting to minimize the risk of a bad relationship, by dating women who have always shown themselves to be honest and trustworthy. Thats the truth. Sure anyone can make a mistake, but that doesnt mean one shouldnt seek to date someone they feel increases their chances of a good relationship.

[kaylan]

I was lectured and judged by a man I am dating for an admission I made about an emotional affair I had with a married man just prior to our meeting. The pain and guilt evoked in me by this inappropriate relationship prompted radical change in my life which included the commencement of internet dating and hence the meeting of lecturing/judging man.

 

The lecturing/judging man is in the process of divorcing a women who cheated on him. He is a classy guy who chose family over intimate fulfillment when the opportunity presented itself to him years earlier. In his dissertation on the error of my ways he pin pointed the aspect of betrayal as the root of the exquisite pain and devastation from the fallout of his dissolved marriage.

 

But here is the klinker my lecturing/judgmental man tresspassed against another when he engaged in sexual relations/intercourse with a married women he met and dated on the rebound from his failed marriage.

 

Not all relationships are created equally and sometimes the "best" of us won't walk away. Those of us who believe we are above it may never have found ourselves at precipice of bliss evoked on the backdrop of infidelity.

What I am really driving at is the turning tables in the glass house. Life includes choices that hurt others. Let us not forget that cheating is a symptom... I would evaluate it based on the specific facts in the case and go forward with eyes wide open. Of course considering that I am an admitted cheater my opinion probably holds no water with the holy.

Hes a straight up hypocrite with no room to lecture anyone. He cant pretend hes any better of a potential mate than you are.

I was an OM years ago and would disclose that information to a prospective partner early on ...... certainly before anything intimate happens.

 

 

I wouldn't tell someone because I feel guilty at this point in my life, or that I need forgiveness from anyone. No, I would choose to reveal that part of my past because that person deserves to have relevant information about choices I've made ...... even if they were bad.

 

 

I have no desire to hide any skeletons, I may have in my closet, so that someone will be with me. Either accept me as I am ...... or not at all. I know it's not something I'd ever do again, but I cannot convince someone of that fact if they choose to wrongly judge me.

 

 

If I'm going to be condemned, shunned, or shamed for any mistakes (though I don't look at it as a mistake, but more of a profound and costly learning experience) I've made in my life ...... well, I want to know quickly that's the case ...... not later on, down the road, once emotions have been invested.

This.

 

Like you, I want someone to accept me for who I really am. And I want to be able to fully accept them. I shouldnt have to sit and worry about things theyve done in the past...nor should they have to worry about certain things regarding me.

 

I may not like what you did in the past, but as long as you show remorse for it, and have changed your ways...its all good with me. I wouldnt date a girl whos done what you have, but I wouldnt shun someone whos screwed up in the past if they have indeed changed.

 

I have a buddy whos done some unsavory things during his single life and past relationships...but now the dude has been nothing but a great guy to his fiance and I support that greatly. You just gotta find someone who accepts you.

 

I wouldnt want to be with someone I would have to hide things from.

Edited April 18, 2014 by kaylan

[The dot]

These threads always crack me up. The fact is, 99% of people are going to simply lie if you ask them about their past. It's like asking a woman how many men she's *really* slept with. Do you ever think that a woman who's had 250 sexual partners will ever volunteer that information? Seriously, if you meet a 30 year old woman who's only lived in your state for two years, how will you know what she did for the other 28 years of her life?

 

Besides, people cheat for a variety of reasons, and those reasons may not necessarily be a factor in their life today. I do believe that getting involved with someone who is cheating *now* is a bad move, because you're setting low standards for your own relationship if you do that. But as far as the past goes, there is no way to know for sure. You either accept the possibility, or you simply stay out of the dating game. Period.

[Grumpybutfun]

No, never.

G

[RedRobin]

I don't generally ask questions about things that people easily lie about.

 

I am really quite good at spotting opportunists in any form they take. So I don't worry about it much.

[Arieswoman]

If, when I was single and dating if I had met a man who had cheated on his wife/partner, and

 

1. Took total responsiblity for the decision to cheat

2. Truly regretted it

3. Had engaged in IC to explore the rationale behind his decision, including addressing his lack of coping skills and boundaries

4. Was able to convince me that he was now trustworthy in that area

 

then I would have continued to date him.

 

I never did meet such a man.

[The dot]

If, when I was single and dating if I had met a man who had cheated on his wife/partner, and

 

1. Took total responsiblity for the decision to cheat

2. Truly regretted it

3. Had engaged in IC to explore the rationale behind his decision, including addressing his lack of coping skills and boundaries

4. Was able to convince me that he was now trustworthy in that area

 

then I would have continued to date him.

 

I never did meet such a man.

 

OK, so how would you know he ever cheated if he simply didn't tell you in the first place?

[kaylan]

OK, so how would you know he ever cheated if he simply didn't tell you in the first place?

Ive already said how poor this sort of logic is.

 

Just because people can lie DOES NOT mean you shouldnt do what you can to maximize your chance of being in a relationship with someone you feel is right for you.

 

I guess that despite the fact that I am a 27 yr old man should willfully date people a 35 yr old woman with stds and a history of cheating...all because I could run into women who lie about their age or std status. :rolleyes:Nevermind the fact that I prefer women my age, who have no history of cheating or std.

 

But like you said...people can just lie right. Let me just change my feelings on whats really important to me in a partner just because some people lie. I mean, of course honest people dont exist out there...so I might as well settle

 

Get out with that poor logic.

Edited April 18, 2014 by kaylan

[The dot]

Just because people can lie DOES NOT mean you shouldnt do what you can to maximize your chance of being in a relationship with someone you feel is right for you.

 

The point is, it doesn't do anything to maximise your chance of finding that person. Think about it. Who's the better choice? The person who fronts up and tells you about their past, or the person who simply lies to you (as most people will do)? By your logic, you'll end up with the person who lied to you, which means they can just as easily lie to you again. Granted, at the time you'll probably "feel" that the person is right for you, but you'll never know for sure either way.

 

Again, you have absolutely now way of knowing what a person has or hasn't been up to in their past. All you can really concentrate on is the person they are now, and determine whether that person is likely to cheat on you or not. There's no point trying to focus on their past, because in 99% of cases, you simply won't have that information.

[The dot]

I guess that despite the fact that I am a 27 yr old man should willfully date people a 35 yr old woman with stds and a history of cheating...all because I could run into women who lie about their age or std status. :rolleyes:Nevermind the fact that I prefer women my age, who have no history of cheating or std.

 

But like you said...people can just lie right. Let me just change my feelings on whats really important to me in a partner just because some people lie. I mean, of course honest people dont exist out there...so I might as well settle

 

Get out with that poor logic.

 

It's not poor logic, it's simply a fact. The only way you'll know someone's STD status is to go to a doctor and get them tested. The only way you'll know someone's history of cheating is to hire a Private Investigator -- and even that's no guarantee.

 

You see, you're sitting here saying "oh, well, I can't tolerate someone who has this in their past", but you're not telling me how you'll ever go about finding it out.

 

Seriously, if you're that worried about someone's history of cheating, you're better off simply getting out of the dating game altogether and saving yourself the stress. Unless you have some other method of finding out about someone's past.

[Arieswoman]

the dot,

OK, so how would you know he ever cheated if he simply didn't tell you in the first place?

 

Well, I wouldn't.

 

However, as I am a believer in "a leopard not changing it's spots", then I think there would be some indication of a predisposition to cheating, if there was one.

[The dot]

the dot,

 

 

Well, I wouldn't.

 

However, as I am a believer in "a leopard not changing it's spots", then I think there would be some indication of a predisposition to cheating, if there was one.

 

Well, people cheat for a variety of reasons. Some get married too young and simply grow up later. Some are in poor relationships where one thing or the other is lacking. Some are silly enough to get involved in Long Distance relationships (which pretty much guarantees cheating).

 

That said, there are some areas where I draw the line. For example, I won't get involved with anyone who still wants to go to nightclubs on a regular basis. I won't get involved with someone who tries to cheat *with* me while they are still in a relationship. There are other things too, but these are all *current* behavioural issues. I'm not going to bother asking her about what she did in 2001, because that's like asking her how many men she's really slept with -- an invitation to be lied to.

[Arieswoman]

The dot,

 

For example, I won't get involved with anyone who still wants to go to nightclubs on a regular basis. I won't get involved with someone who tries to cheat *with* me while they are still in a relationship. There are other things too, but these are all *current* behavioural issues.

 

That's exactly what I meant when I talked about "indicators" and "leopards not changing their spots".