The Soul Mate Myth

[verhrzn]

For as long as I can remember, I have heard people give advice like "There's a lid for every pot" and "Everyone has someone out there who can love them." But as I've gotten older, and gotten more life experience, it just seems to be not true. There are people who end up alone involuntarily. There are people who can't find anyone who will date them. My mom, ever the pragmatist, often says there are plenty of people who die alone.

 

So then why does dating advice ignore this? Why do we never admit this to folks? When someone comes here and says "I can't find anyone to date", why do we never say "Hey maybe there is no one who you fit with"?

 

Is it fear that if this is true, that means we ourselves could end up alone? Is it it refusing to face the truth out of misguided optimism? Is it just romantic stubbornness born on years of the media cramming the idea of "someone for everyone" onto us?

 

Why do we never say that there might not be someone for everyone?

[BradJacobs]

Because there is.

 

The question is how low are you willing to drop your standards to be with someone?

[WasOtherWoman]

I personally don't believe it. ... there are 7.1 billion people on this earth.

 

I have had many single friends, all of whom are finally married or in committed relationships. My longest-single friend met and married her husband at 50.

 

This is just my humble opinion, but I think that sometimes people have unrealistic expectations of who suitable partners for them are OR unrealistic expectations about what a relationship actually is.

 

Just my two cents...

[hasaquestion]

There is someone for everyone.

 

The trick is to figure out/maximize what you bring to the table, and expect something corresponding to that in return. Most people expect WAY more than they bring to the table.

 

And then when they don't get what they think they deserve (a hunky guy or a sexy girl) they blame the opposite sex for being "shallow" and wonder how someone couldn't see how "great" they are.

 

The real question is - do you want that someone who's there for you? Or would you rather be single?

[M30USA]

Everyone dies alone, regardless. Not to sound negative. It's just the truth.

[todreaminblue]

I think people come into your life for a reason .....and i believe in more than one soul mate......and i believe some times people dont find them.......through their own stubbornness to overlook ones that are right in front of them......searching for greener pastures is a mistake that is common...a greener lookin' soul mate......sometimes who we think is right...really isnt ...and who we think is wrong is actually spot on sent from above to kick our butt into being vulnerable in love...there is more than one someone for everyone....god probably groans when he sends people our way going ".......no....listen to your heart hey you talking to you can you hear me anyone there pick uop now......we keep our hearts on automatic voicemail......he probably face palms a lot...well......puts hand up.... sorry god you had to face palm for em recently.i do believe you are the best teacher ever..ill listen next time....luv ya....hangs up sky phone......smilin....ok i am sleep deprived......deb

Edited April 16, 2014 by todreaminblue

[FrostBlaze]

I'm sure enough people think of it and they just don't want to say it.

I stopped myself from saying this to a few persons on this forum .

 

Me being a defective human being as i am, asocial and weird who can't get a female to accept me for who i am, past the initial atraction phase...i have come to peace with the fact that..

I will probably never find anyone for me, unless i just want to take a hobo and love him for the sake of having someone.

 

ANd the 7 billion people thing..come on it's not like i am going to go plowing all OVER THE WORLD to find the ONE that would take me, i don't have the time nor the funds to do so xD.

[veggirl]

I don't believe in soulmates at ALL. I love my bf to death but I know if we broke up I would find someone else that I love. It happened before him and it would happen after him.

 

Soulmates and "there's someone out there for you, I just know it!" is just something people say to appease another person or themself.

 

I think there are tons of people in this world compatible w/ me, you, etc... I don't think there is "the one" and I def don't think any of us are guaranteed love/a relationship.

 

No one wants to admit the possibility of growing old alone, I mean it's depressing! So "he's just around the corner, I know it!" is comforting!

 

I agree with hasaquestion, I think a LOT of perpetually single folks expect way more than they themselves offer....I think a lot of perpetually single folks really have over-hyped themselves and therefore made their pool of "acceptable" potentials quite small. I see that on this forum and others, tbh. And, some people are just flat-out unappealing to the vast majority of others, unfortunately for them.

[Smthn_Like_Olivia]

Because taking on this stance is self-defeating. If you allow yourself to believe it, then it's true. If you tell someone this is the truth, then you are enabling them to give up. Everyone has their quirks, issues, baggage. That doesn't mean there isn't someone out there that can appreciate them and love you for them. The trick is to love yourself and find happiness within yourself first and not rely on the affections of another person to create that for you. Once you love yourself, then it becomes easier for someone else to want in on that appeal.

[Keenly]

From a statistical and numerical standpoint, it would be almost impossible for there to not be a person for some one.

In fact, every person has more than one soulmate.

 

 

 

That's my opinion anyway.

[joystickd]

Because there is.

 

The question is how low are you willing to drop your standards to be with someone?

It's not that. There is someone for everyone but some people devote so much time to the wrong things or wrong people. I'm 31 and still single and I have reasons why and they are my fault for still being single. I'm not as outgoing as I should be, for a while I focused on the wrong women and I've always been a lone wolf. I have had friends and most have moved away, but I have always kind of been a loner. I meet women but I know if I was more proactive I would be in a fulfilling loving relationship. I spent sometime dealing my issues. Honestly from 2008-2010 as my therapist called it I was burned out from dating. I spent a lot of time being rejected from women of my own race. I was one that was dedicated to my own race in terms of dating until about 2006. My dad has issues with it and at this point I don't give a sh*t. I spent a lot of time focused on the wrong things like negativity. I look at a few bitter male and female users on here and I use to sound 10-20x worse than they ever would. I spent those 2 years really learning to love myself. I'm feeling the best I have ever felt in my life when it comes to myself. I have people saying I'm cocky or bragging but they never realized the crap I went through to get to that point. Right now I do have some casual things going, but they feel empty and I desire a relationship that would eventually turn to marriage and a family. It's a better time than any to do that.

[FrostBlaze]

I have a 40 year old coleague that would kill herself about now.

She tries very hard and has almost no standards anymore, she would take anyone.

She isn't particularly pretty, but noone want's her, it's quite sad.

So i am sure that some people are just not ment to be, they are unappealing or just lack what it takes to be able to Keep a partner.

I also fit in there somewhere, and won't change my mind until it happens ofc .

 

It's normal for people to have some standards, i bet most don't even aim high, i don't. I don't ask for something i can't give in return, but i won't just take anyone, like i mentioned before.

 

Some stuff i ask for: Don't be some overweight 90-100kg lady, don't be lazy and work, funny loving personality so we get along. I don't even ****ing aim high in the looks department except the weight.

I can get phisically attracted and love someone if they are interesting, it growns on me.

 

So accept the fact, there isn't a someone for everyone. I am as sure of this as the air i breath, some people are ment to be alone.

[NGC1300]

I'm a negative person. I will probably die alone.

 

I really don't care anymore. It's gotten to the point where I feel like a martyr and begin to take joy in my negativity, apathy, and perpetual lonesomeness.

[Emilia]

I tend to dislike the description for 'soul mate' because it's usually cheesy and focused on completely about that person completing you, making you feel special and good and all that self centred crap.

 

I think that as you change and grow, you relate well to different types of people. Fundamentally you don't change perhaps but different aspects of your character and personality are accentuated as you age, I think. Which is why a lot of marriages between young people fall apart.

 

There are people that find their special other at the age of 18 and seem to sail through life with that person without feeling that they would need someone else. I suppose that's either luck or not being put through their paces in their 20s and 30s as independent single adults.

 

So I don't think there is one person out there for you, no.

[iris219]

It's true that some people will end up alone, but I don't think it's necessarily because they couldn't find anyone. It's more that they didn't know how to have a healthy relationship when they met a suitable partner, or it was the wrong time in their lives, or they were making bad decisions when it came to choosing a mate.

 

On the other hand, a lot of meeting someone is luck. Some people have bad luck. There are lots of people out there that a person would be compatible with but this person won't meet them and could end up alone.

 

Most people don't want to be alone and settle at some point. "Soul mate" doesn't factor into the decision at all.

[xxoo]

What is this "die alone" stuff? What about family and friends? My grandmother was widowed after 50 years of marriage, and never cared to remarry. Not because her dead husband was her soul mate, but because, in her word, "what would I want another husband for?":lmao: but she didn't die alone. She had many friends until the very end.

 

As for soul mates, I think we all have many. They are people who just "get" you, and with whom we feel "home". They can be romantic or platonic. I consider my daughter one of my soul mates.

[Eternal Sunshine]

I don't think there is anyone out there that fits and that some people are just meant to be alone. I am one of them.

 

There is so much luck involved in meeting someone where there is mutual attraction and they are single at the same time. By this theory, just like there are people that are lucky enough to meet their future H/W at 18, there must be the same % of people on the other side of the curve i.e. unlucky ones. I know it's not PC to beleive in luck but yeah - it is what it is.

 

Once the relationship starts then you have more power in keeping it healthy and going (even then it's only 50% up to you). But meeting someone where there is enough mutual attraction to date has nothing to do with being "unhealthy" - it's pure luck. Being at the right place in the right time. Just like that day when my mum decided to try fishing for the first time and met my dad. Has she made a different decision on that day, I wouldn't exist.

 

I prefer to focus on the parts of my life that are less dependant on luck and more on hard work

[denise_xo]

I think all this soul mate stuff is a bunch of rubbish, and I think we generally place way too high expectations on partners in our part of the world. If we took marriage for what it is (a social institution) rather than some kind of "perfect bonding between two people", I think we'd be a bit better off all around.

[taiko]

We evolved as a people only having someone from the proper social class and religion within walking distance available as a mate. Now that we can get on the computer and chat with someone on the other side of the globe doesn't make it anymore likely that you will randomly run into a soul mate by chance then you would have if your father arranged it with a cousin of his to pair of their children.

[Imported]

I think I have met and been with many women that could have been my "soul mate".

 

If I would have stayed and tried, it would have worked. I think everything is random and what ever happens was supposed to happen and we may think of it as luck/not-luck because we don't know what could have happened or we like to imagine it.

 

Your "soul mate", as happy as you may be with them, maybe if you never met that person, you would have found a different "soul mate".

 

Acceptance. I think it has a lot to do with that. Staying and trying to make it work. The person you choose to do that with is going to be your "soul mate".

 

I am not saying just anyone. Also, even though I believe that any number of women could have been my "soul mate", I think I it's a one time use kinda deal with me. If I ever look at a woman that way, I think I am done. Not moving on.

[PinkInTheLimo]

The people I know who are in a good relationship all say that they have been so lucky to meet their significant other. Which I really like because they don't make it sound like they possess some miraculous qualities which makes them more worthy than others.

 

Call it soulmate or something else: for me it is about someone you feel comfortable with and whose company is a plus when you are doing something I enjoy. Since I have come to appreciate my own company a lot that's saying something. If there's a guy whose company I enjoy even more than my own, then something's good is possible.

[hotpotato]

I don't believe in soul mates. People can be in love with one person one day and someone else the next. That doesnt sound like soul mates to me.

 

Like others have said, dating is mostly luck. Imo its better to focus on things that are more likely to pay off in the long term.

 

I dont think there is someone for everyone. Its not that people are licky or unrealistic, theres just not a lid for every pot.

[Valen]

Even though the idea of soul mates is well regarded as a myth, it hasn't really die out. It simply take on another form called "the one" or even "true love".

[MissBee]

The idea of "soulmates" and "someone for everyone" are in fact not the same thing.

 

Soulmate is usually the belief that there is one single person in all the world that is "the one" for you while "someone for everyone" means that no matter who you are on this earth you will likely find at least one other human being who likes you romantically.

 

I believe you can have multiple soulmates, i.e. multiple people with whom you're very compatible and could potentially have a great relationship with. Will it last forever? Not necessarily, but that doesn't negate it. I think there are more people who have loved, been in love, married etc. than those who never had that, hence the idea that there is someone for everyone. MOST people on earth fall in love at least once or have some kind of relationship, heck that's how the population keeps reproducing. I think the number of people who NEVER find anyone is rather small in comparison.

 

In my circle of friends and family I can't think of anyone who NEVER fell in love or had a relationship. Even both my grandmothers, while neither of them ever married, they clearly had relationships and produced children. I think the probability of you having a relationship is greater than that of "dying alone" especially if you consciously want to be in a relationship. But as someone else mentioned, I don't really see what good it is to tell someone "Well maybe you'll never find anyone" I genuinely do not see the purpose of that and how it would improve their lives one bit.

Edited April 19, 2014 by MissBee

[topaMAXX]

For as long as I can remember, I have heard people give advice like "There's a lid for every pot" and "Everyone has someone out there who can love them." But as I've gotten older, and gotten more life experience, it just seems to be not true. There are people who end up alone involuntarily. There are people who can't find anyone who will date them. My mom, ever the pragmatist, often says there are plenty of people who die alone.

 

So then why does dating advice ignore this? Why do we never admit this to folks? When someone comes here and says "I can't find anyone to date", why do we never say "Hey maybe there is no one who you fit with"?

 

Is it fear that if this is true, that means we ourselves could end up alone? Is it it refusing to face the truth out of misguided optimism? Is it just romantic stubbornness born on years of the media cramming the idea of "someone for everyone" onto us?

 

Why do we never say that there might not be someone for everyone?

 

I say this all the time here and I generally get sh*tted on lol.

 

Generally, girls all go for the same guys (with few exceptions). I've found guys to be less picky, in general, but there's still a limit as to who they would consider settling down with.

 

There is certainly not somebody for everybody. Anyone who says there is is just trying to make you feel better.