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Do I tell or let it be?


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Not sure if this is the best place for this but I couldn't see a better one. They are technically not family but we are very close.

 

I would just like some other peoples opinions on what I should do.

 

My best friend died 6 months ago, I am very close with her whole family and long story short I ended up with her diary amongst other stuff. It had a combination lock but knowing her so well the code was easily solved.

 

Now some of the stuff in the diary is disturbing. I am not going to go into details but the biggest one and the one I am not sure what to do about is that she was sleeping with both of her sister’s boyfriend/husbands. When I first read it I thought these were just fantasies but there are movie tickets and other memento’s and plenty of detail which make me believe it is real.

 

Her younger sisters boyfriend she slept with only three times but her older sister’s husband had been going on for over 2 years and was still going as best as I can tell.

 

Do I do anything about this? I don’t want to ruin her memory to her family but at the same time these people are my friends. I could let the younger one go because it happened and finished after the boyfriend broke it off feeling guilty. But the older sister surely deserves to know what her husband is like?

 

I was going to approach him and give him the option to tell but the same thing happens in that my best friends name gets destroyed. And they most likely wont believe him anyway and I will have to show the diary and all will come out including a lot that I don’t think her family need to know.

 

I have my own issues as well in that I am hurt that she didn’t confide in me, having shared so much over the years I can’t believe she kept this a secret even though it went for so long.

 

What would you do?

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VeronicaRoss

I'm pretty sure your thread is going to be moved but there are a lot of stories like this in 'infidelity' and the like where similar advice has been given. I've been in a similar boat, it completely sucks to know this kind of thing. I'd think a long time about it, no rush. You'll have to live with the consequences of whatever you do for the rest of your life so you want it to be right. I think the best question is: what would you want if you were the sisters? Maybe find someone you trust in real life like a counselor or priest or something. Good luck.

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I wouldn't say anything. But I would give the locked diary back to her family. I wouldn't give them the password or anything but I would stay out of it.

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Just dropped in to welcome you to the board. Forum. Feel free to use search feature. Sit back and read up. You may have some positive advise to share. Looking forward to your participation.

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How old are you?

How old was she?

 

I think it's relevant, and i will tell you why, once you tell us....

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How old are you?

How old was she?

 

I think it's relevant, and i will tell you why, once you tell us....

 

Her and I were/are 23. Her sisters are 21 and 31.

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How well do you get on with her parents?

See, if this is a problem to you - it's not actually yours to sort.

 

From my own perspective, I would give the diary back to her parents and tell them there's stuff in there you feel very uncomfortable about, but that it's not your place or duty to deal with.

 

Give them the combination and advise them it won't make for pleasant reading - but that what they then choose to do with that information, is down to them.

However, assure them that you will take the contents to the grave with you, whatever they decide to do.

 

It's not your problem. But if something DOES need saying, her parents would be the best ones to do so.

 

If at all.

 

Just my 2cents.

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How well do you get on with her parents?

 

I am basically a ring in pseudo member of their family. I feel for her older sister as if she were my own sister. Her husband has been cheating but it's so much worse because of who it was. I want to tell her.

 

BUT I don't want to speak ill of the dead. I loved my friend dearly and the thought of seeing her name dragged down makes me sick, even if it is only within her family.

 

From my own perspective, I would give the diary back to her parents and tell them there's stuff in there you feel very uncomfortable about, but that it's not your place or duty to deal with.

 

That has been my thought and it is probably where I will end up but if her parents read it and do nothing with the information or even if they just choose not to open it at all then I will live the rest of my life knowing what her older sisters husband did. She doesn't deserve that and neither do I don't you think?

 

There is no way out of this where no-one gets hurt. But there is one person that is still being hurt now even though she doesn't know it. Surely I can't even take a chance that this guy will get away with it?

 

He makes me sick, he gives nice guys, and I'd like to think I fall into that category, a real bad name.

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eye of the storm

I don't envy you. Not at all.

 

I see where TaraMaiden is coming from and 1/3 of me agrees. The another 1/3 is burn it and do your best to forget it. Then the last 1/3 is give it to the older sister.

 

None of these are good options. Someone is hurt no matter what you do. Even if you do nothing, you yourself is hurt.

 

Giving it to the parents will taint how they viewed their daughter forever, giving it to the sister will do the same, not doing anything sounds like will eat at you. Eventually they will know something is wrong and confront you.

 

I have no advice for you. I will tell you how sorry I am you are in this position. I am also sorry for the loss of your friend.

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CFMB,

This is a tough one.

 

You'll be damned if you do and damned if you don't.

 

If the diary was given to you then the family, unbenown to themselves have dropped the dilemma on you.

 

I am assuming that the diary does not contain any information about any illegal activities by your friend?

 

So, the choices you have are;

 

1. Burn it and say nothing. This means that if there are any consequences to her behaviour at a later date you won't be involved. However, that means you'll have to deal with the family being deceived every time you see them. Could you live with this for the rest of your life? Once the diary has gone so has the proof, so you won't be able to ever mention it again.

2. Speak to the husband privately (after all it is half his problem) and let him know you know and give him the opportunity to come clean with his wife. Tell him you have proof but don't say what it is. He can then either ;-

a. come clean and tell her

b. call your bluff. In which case you'll have to produce the diary. If it contains any stuff that impacts on you, then you'll need to deal with that as well

3. Give it to her sister, telling her it's information you think she should have, and let her deal with it.

 

If you tell anyone, you run the risk of being seen as the "bad guy", as people have a habit of "shooting the messenger".

 

 

A good friend of mine's husband cheated on her with her sister. Her parents knew something but didn't challenge the other sister. When the affair came out my friend had the mother of all rows with both her parents and her sister and hasn't spoken to them for 25 years. She told me she'd wished she'd known sooner, before having the second child. As it was she was left to raise 2 children and one a toddler.

She divorced her husband and once free, her exH's affair fizzled out.

 

I'm sorry can't advise you what to do, only give you your options.

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salparadise

I know the infidelity confession zealots will disagree, but I think it's not your place to ruin anyone else's life or the family's memory of your friend. Unless your deceased friend requested that you read her diary then opening it was not something you were entitled to do, and therefore you shouldn't even be in possession of this knowledge. My guess is that if she had known that you would end up with the diary, or if she had the opportunity herself, your friend would've wanted the diary to be destroyed without you or anyone else ever reading it. The fact that you opened it makes that information your burden to bear, but it does not mean that you're obliged (or entitled) to inform her parents or siblings of the unfortunate circumstances to which they would not otherwise be privy, and which would almost certainly disrupt lives and and destroy their memory of your friend. Perhaps it's serendipity that you came into possession of your friend's diary and read it though, because it gives the opportunity to do her one last favor... to do what she would've wished with the diary, therefore sparing her family further grief even though it imparts a burden that you must carry alone.

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The sisters are alive, being betrayed by their husbands/boyfriends (if they are still being lied to), have an unknown risk of STDs, and deserve to make an informed decision about how to move forward with their lives. I would prioritize that above a deceased person's right to privacy or good reputation (which she doesn't deserve anyway).

 

Leave the parents out of it; the sisters are adults.

 

My $.02

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There are certain things around my house, in hidden places, that should they be found will reveal things about my past and present my nearest and dearest didn't know and which would shake their worlds. And I don't even keep a diary.

 

I could lob these things away for safety but I don't. If I were to die tomorrow I would expect them to be found and for that world shaking to occur. I'd be dead, I wouldn't have to face up to anything, and I'd prefer those mourning me had a clearer picture of who I was, in my death, than they did in my life. I'd want there to be a reckoning I couldn't face in person.

 

This woman kept a diary. That's always been an insane choice to me, but there it is. She literally kept a record of her secret life. She died and now you have it. I don't know if it was left to you or if her family gave it to you. But she wanted it to be left, she wanted its contents to be found eventually, or she wouldn't have kept one at all, or she'd have left instructions with the family for it to be destroyed.

 

In my opinion you'd be doing a disservice to her not to reveal the truth. At least about those parts that affect other people... such as her own sisters, members of this family you say you're a part of. She's gone, her troubles are over, these people are still here.

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...

BUT I don't want to speak ill of the dead. I loved my friend dearly and the thought of seeing her name dragged down makes me sick, even if it is only within her family.

 

Excuse me for being so blunt, but this is BS.

 

The girl is dead.

I am reminded of a line from a play (Juno and the Paycock) by the irish Playwright Sean O'Casey:

 

"it's high time we had less respect for the dead, and had more for the living'."

 

Speaking ill of the dead, be damned, she had an affair with two guys connected to her family!

She hurt people (potentially) when she was alive, and if she were alive now, your opinion of her would be strong enough for you to change your view of her, big time.

 

The fact she's dead, does not absolve her from the damage she contributed to.

 

I agree with the others; you have a terrible decision to make.

 

In my opinion, you have several options:

 

Give the diary to her mum and dad as I suggested;

Confront the husband:

Reveal all to the wife;

 

The final alternative - which would really put the cat among the pigeons - is to ask for a 'family conference'.

 

But you've really opened up a 'Pandora's Box here, haven't you?

What an unwelcome situation! :(

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salparadise
In my opinion, you have several options:

 

Give the diary to her mum and dad as I suggested;

Confront the husband:

Reveal all to the wife;

 

The final alternative - which would really put the cat among the pigeons - is to ask for a 'family conference'.

 

Yea, it would be a shame to hold this kind of information and not leverage it for maximum drama and to place yourself at the center of it all.

 

There are actually other alternatives; some of which would require abandoning your own egoic motives or notions of playing God and changing the course of the universe. All of the options remain available until you exercise them, at which point the consequences of doing so will ripple through many lives in ways you can't possibly foresee.

 

If you feel that you must act in some way, perhaps the least destructive would be to confront the husbands and tell them that you know what they did, have incontrovertible proof, and will out them if they prove to be anything less than model husbands in the future. Of course even that may have unforeseen consequences.

 

I think you should seek wise counsel, and not the kind that lurks on internet forums.

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In matters of this nature, where do you propose he seek 'wise counsel'...?

 

And what counsel do you think they would give that would differ in any way from the 'counsel' being given, here?

 

We have just about listed every option possible.

some sane, others as in the advice i gave, probably IN-sane - but it's perhaps a very good indication of the massive cross-section of options available.

 

None of them bode well, frankly.

It's a dilemma we're all open and frank with advice about - but an unenviable one, into the bargain.

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I would say give the diary to mom and dad;

Tell the older sister what the diary contained and the proof being the diary, receipts, etc (husband will try to deny it);

Do not approach husbands at all lest he tries to 'silence' you :(

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I don't understand why you wanted to read it, or why you read it. Or why you would want to act on the content.

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salparadise
And what counsel do you think they would give that would differ in any way from the 'counsel' being given, here? We have just about listed every option possible.

 

It's not so much a matter of developing different options as doing what's right in a situation where no option is obviously correct, where he probably shouldn't even have the information, and where many lives will likely be impacted negatively by exercising any option.

 

Personally, I'd be biased toward keeping my mouth shut unless there was a specific and compelling reason to not to, and I don't consider the notion that the betrayed sisters have some sacrosanct right to know compelling. It's totally egoistic to assume that one should ruin relationships, memories of departed loved ones, or potentially break up families just because he happened upon some information (and not legitimately). Wise counsel is type that has the ability to see things from multiple macro perspectives, humbly setting aside one's own belief for the greater good.

Edited by salparadise
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Unfortunately, whatever he does, people will be hurt. By revealing the contents of the diary he risks creating a schism in the family.

By NOT revealing the contents of the diary, he witnesses the sister's husband continuing to cheat on his wife with the potential of creating a disaster.

Whichever option he chooses - speaking out or remaining silent - to an extent, damage has already been done.

 

And frankly, I don't see why he should have to bear the burden of this secret on his own.

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And frankly, I don't see why he should have to bear the burden of this secret on his own.

 

Because of the snooping in to something that what obviously intended to be private/secret. That's a risk he took and will have to live with.

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..... I ended up with her diary amongst other stuff. ......

What would you do?

 

I just caught this from the first post.

I actually thought you had been left the diary (is this the case?) and that it had been bequeathed to you.

In any case, if it was locked, and you had to work out the combination, I would suggest that neither you, nor anyone else, should have seen the contents.

 

I've had a re-think:

 

Burn the damn thing, let sleeping dogs lie and say nothing.

Anything you do say will have far worse consequences than keeping your own counsel and saying nothing.

If the family has an element of dysfunction, that's their problem.

If the men have had affairs, again, that's their life, not yours.

 

I'm sorry if i appear to go completely against what I have said previously, but i thought she explicitly wanted you to have it and read it.

 

I don't think that was ever the case.

 

Burn it, its contents and everything about it.

Leave it be, move on, and let things unfold as they do, with no comment, input or admission from you.

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Because of the snooping in to something that what obviously intended to be private/secret. That's a risk he took and will have to live with.

 

Yes, I got that now, hence my post, above.... Thanks. :)

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