melell Posted April 12, 2014 Share Posted April 12, 2014 What are your opinions about people being attracted to the same type of person that hurt them in the past? I can understand being attracted to a certain type, but what does it say if someone is attracted to a specific type that will almost 100% cause them the same hurt that made them leave the previous relationship? I thought the perhaps it is a case of them not having moved on from the first instance, but it almost seems extremely disordered. Link to post Share on other sites
salparadise Posted April 12, 2014 Share Posted April 12, 2014 Most people have personality deficits of one sort or another caused by the splitting off of part of the self in early childhood. We do this in order to be deemed lovable and acceptable when we realize that part of us is not acceptable. We are attracted to people who we subconsciously believe have the capacity to reunite us with the split off self, heal our wounds and make us whole. The people we are attracted to are a composite of those for whose love we split in the beginning, because it's that image (the imago) that represents both the love and the injury we seek to heal. So certain personality type tend to be the yen and yang for one another, and even though experience should make us wiser, the attraction is even stronger. We spend our lives craving the love of those who hurt us because we believe that only they can make us whole. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
GemmaUK Posted April 12, 2014 Share Posted April 12, 2014 I think it's down to people not listening to their instincts and not taking any time to learn about behaviour traits that are actually pretty big signs that a relationship could turn bad. As one tiny example: Things like jealousy (for no actual tangible reason) can 'feel' flattering in a new relationship. To me, it's now a first warning sign of other possible traits that I would not want in a partner. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
mammasita Posted April 12, 2014 Share Posted April 12, 2014 IMO, lack of introspection. We don't take the time to look within and see what our own issues are. Like attracts like for the most part. As an example, Ive mentioned here before that I dabble with codependency. In my past relationships I've gravitated towards men who went full speed ahead.....I love you in a month, moving in within 3 months. You can imagine it's always a matter of time before that crashes and burns. We should always take time to reflect and correct 3 Link to post Share on other sites
GemmaUK Posted April 12, 2014 Share Posted April 12, 2014 We should always take time to reflect and correct Eggszackerly! Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted April 12, 2014 Share Posted April 12, 2014 Most people aren't self aware enough to recognize the pattern 1 Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted April 12, 2014 Share Posted April 12, 2014 If you are talking "looks" people have their type. This is why I always find it funny when people say things like "the new girl/guy looks very much like me". Well of course they do as most people have a type they are attracted to. If you are talking about personality and bad behavior then it is your fault for not learning from past mistakes. Link to post Share on other sites
Author melell Posted April 13, 2014 Author Share Posted April 13, 2014 If you are talking "looks" people have their type. This is why I always find it funny when people say things like "the new girl/guy looks very much like me". Well of course they do as most people have a type they are attracted to. If you are talking about personality and bad behavior then it is your fault for not learning from past mistakes. Talking about personality/behavior. My referring to myself. Interested in why people fall into this pattern rather than who is at fault. Link to post Share on other sites
tbf Posted April 13, 2014 Share Posted April 13, 2014 Interested in a study that will creep you out about attraction to people who look like ourselves? One wonders if this is applicable to looks, why not the entire formative environment, including function and dysfunction. Westermarck, Freud, and the Incest Taboo: Does Familial Resemblance Activate Sexual Attraction? Westermarck, Freud, and the Incest Taboo: Does Familial Resemblance Activate Sexual Attraction? This article discusses the contents of the study since the above link only displays the abstract. Study demonstrates sexual attraction to those who resemble our parents, ourselves 1 Link to post Share on other sites
joystickd Posted April 13, 2014 Share Posted April 13, 2014 What are your opinions about people being attracted to the same type of person that hurt them in the past? I can understand being attracted to a certain type, but what does it say if someone is attracted to a specific type that will almost 100% cause them the same hurt that made them leave the previous relationship? I thought the perhaps it is a case of them not having moved on from the first instance, but it almost seems extremely disordered. It's honestly just the lack of awareness that the problem is with them and not the person you are attracted to. If you repeatedly struggle the problem lies not with the men/women you are attracted to but YOU!!! We see it all the time the woman that talks about struggling to get a relationship because she all she meets is men that push for sex early, lie, want younger women, or are just players. All their stories have the same result. They hate to face the reality that the problem is them. Link to post Share on other sites
RedRobin Posted April 14, 2014 Share Posted April 14, 2014 I agree with some others that it comes from a lack of introspection. All of my partners have been completely different. Looks were different, mannerisms different... reasons for things falling apart... completely different.... I can't say any of them looked like my family either. With the exception of my second boyfriend, none of them shared my genetic background (ie Scandinavian). Link to post Share on other sites
tbf Posted April 14, 2014 Share Posted April 14, 2014 I can't say any of them looked like my family either. With the exception of my second boyfriend, none of them shared my genetic background (ie Scandinavian).You might be surprised how little cultural differences make and even racial differences, to the end product of the face. Often enough, partners can resemble each other even with different genetic backgrounds and colouring. Link to post Share on other sites
RedRobin Posted April 14, 2014 Share Posted April 14, 2014 You might be surprised how little cultural differences make and even racial differences, to the end product of the face. Often enough, partners can resemble each other even with different genetic backgrounds and colouring. I believe you.... but honestly, maybe one of them looked anything like me or my family. Ok, you decide. Over the years, people have told me I look like a young Terri Garr... Midwestern girl-next-door look (in the face). Some of my partners were handsome. Some not at all. The only one who bore any resemblance to people in my family was my second boyfriend (I think). He looked like the Russian boxer from the Rocky movies (seriously... body and everything). Dolph Lundgren. He is Swedish. Like me. My ex-H looked a lot like JFK Jr. Shorter version. What do you think??? I think my second boyfriend looked a lot like me... I don't think my ex-H looked anything like me... except that our features tend to be proportional and people consider us conventionally attractive... Link to post Share on other sites
tbf Posted April 14, 2014 Share Posted April 14, 2014 I believe you.... but honestly, maybe one of them looked anything like me or my family. There's no way to judge based on similar. I'd need to see the real pics of you and your exes. Link to post Share on other sites
Eternal Sunshine Posted April 14, 2014 Share Posted April 14, 2014 Talking about personality/behavior. My referring to myself. Interested in why people fall into this pattern rather than who is at fault. Yeah - I tend to do that. Nothing to do with looks but I tend to go for guys who are in some ways "emotionally unavailable" or not ready/willing to fully commit. I have only noticed this pattern in myself recently. It's like a different guy but same situation, causing exactly the same type of hurt for the same reasons. Once I became aware of that, it kind of takes away from my attraction to them somewhat. Still not sure how to completely avoid becoming attracted in the first place. Link to post Share on other sites
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