LoveShack.org Community Forums

Reload this Page LoveShack.org Community Forums > General > General Relationship Discussion

My relationship seems useless, alcoholism, too many problems...


General Relationship Discussion Everything else under the sun. Not sure where to post? This is the place!

 
 
LinkBack Thread Tools Display Modes
Old 5th September 2004, 4:26 PM   #1
Member
 
bluelips's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2004
Location: CA
Posts: 10
My relationship seems useless, alcoholism, too many problems...

My live in bf of 2 years has left me home alone once again because he's depressed and probably having a former drug problem craving. He's also an alcoholic (I can't help him, I try but with no success). He's been trying to stay away from his friends who have drug and alcohol problems. He has no one to turn to except me, almost everyone in his life has a drug/alcohol problem, his parents, cousins, friends, co-workers, etc. Things had been going good for the past month, but now I feel that it's just getting back to the same crap. He's pushing me away again. It's like a rollercoaster, ups and downs over and over... I've tried to help him by seeking therapy and medication, but he won't commit to it and won't follow through.

I'm feeling rejected and "going to waste" in this relationship. It seems like all I'm good for is my "understanding" and to borrow money or my car (eventhough he has his own car). He lives with me rent free (and he makes more money than me) and I know I'm being used to a certain extent.

He turns on the rejection just as quickly as he turns on the acceptance. This is confusing me so much. I try to break up with him, but I always reconcile. He has some "power" over me that I can't explain. He does things that prove he loves me but he also does things that make it seem like he doesn't even care about me at all.

He has so many "issues" in his past and he dwells on them. That is most of his problem. I think that his past has a lot to do with his alcohol problems too. I just don't know how to keep these things from being my problem. I don't know what to do anymore.

So I sit here alone, not knowing what to do.
bluelips is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 5th September 2004, 4:35 PM   #2
Established Member
 
Join Date: Aug 2004
Location: Iowa
Posts: 119
Have you ever tried Al-Anon? They are a super support group!! They help you figure out how you can cope and how to help you set yourself outside of the situation and concentrate on you?
Yes, he has power over you. The ones that are the silent suffers, they are the ones no one sees suffer and his addiction has become yours, just in a different way. You have to take care of yourself. Look out for you and remember you can not help him, he has to help himself.

His maybe be harder for him due to the fact that his family suffers too, but he can do it, he has to change his playmates and playground.

Here is a poem I posted on another posting for someone who is going thru some similar things.

It is about meth, however, change the words around to whatever his drug of choice is and it still works, I find this poem very overwhelming.

Just remember that there is help out there FOR YOU!!!
Take Care of you and make sure you are giving yourself what you need.

Poem: A Living Hell
By James Carver

Last edited by LoveShack.org Moderator; 6th September 2004 at 3:36 AM.. Reason: Deleted Poem - Copyrighted Material
emra is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 6th September 2004, 2:27 AM   #3
Established Member
 
shamen's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: Big City, USA
Posts: 1,102
Emra,

Thanks for the poem, but can you post a link to this poem? Copyrighted stuff shouldn't be on the site.

Bluelips,

I totally feel you. I am going through the same thing. See my post entitled, "I still love my alcoholic ex bf, but I'm going to start dating again." If you'd like, it'd be great to talk to you after you've read my post. You'll get the background. If not, that's cool. I can fill you in here. (Just do a search on alcoholic and you can find it easily.)

Last edited by shamen; 6th September 2004 at 2:35 AM..
shamen is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 6th September 2004, 3:29 AM   #4
Established Member
 
Join Date: Aug 2004
Location: Iowa
Posts: 119
Sorry I have no link to that, I received it from a very dear person in treatment.
emra is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 6th September 2004, 3:38 AM   #5
Established Member
 
Join Date: Jan 2004
Location: The Empire of South Africa
Posts: 2,254
The only way to stop the up and down rollercoaster is to get off. That's what I would do. Walk away. He is dragging you down into his own little cesspool. Life is too short - you deserve hapiness, so go find it elsewhere. With him you will only find misery. One day you'll be old, and look back at your life, and you'll regret not persuing your own true hapiness.
Papillon is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 6th September 2004, 12:20 PM   #6
Established Member
 
shamen's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: Big City, USA
Posts: 1,102
Emra,

Is the poem copyrighted? Or did your friend write it?

Bluelips,

You've really got two options... 1) Do what Papillion says and get off the rollercoaster. 2) Get him into treatment and you go to therapy/Al-Anon.

This is obviously easier said than done, for I have made no real decisions myself. But I do know that I need to decide something. Being on the rollercoaster is hard work when it never stops.
shamen is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 6th September 2004, 5:04 PM   #7
Member
 
bluelips's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2004
Location: CA
Posts: 10
thanks to everyone who left advice and thanks for the poem

yesterday in my post i stated that he had left and i was alone and not knowing what to do. he came back and he felt better and seemed more "normal". he didn't drink the rest of the day and night. he said it was starting to really make him feel sick. anyway, i don't know what's gonna happen about all of this.

the hard thing about getting off this rollercoaster is that i really do want to get off when things are bad, but when things are good i want to stay on... kinda like when it's bad, its really bad and when it's good it's really good. seems like i'm just existing and waiting for it to stay "good". i know that i need to make something happen and not just wait it out, but it's just so difficult.
bluelips is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 6th September 2004, 8:30 PM   #8
Established Member
 
shamen's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: Big City, USA
Posts: 1,102
Waiting it out is not going to help. You will wait and wait and wait. I waited for 3 and 1/2 years. Too long.

You've got to get yourself somewhere to make some sort of a decision. I finally kicked my alcoholic ex bf out of the house in June. It's always good when they are feeling guilty and trying to stay sober for a few days, but it inevitably always goes back to the drinking. That's when the unfun stuff starts again.

It is hard to get off, but I know that I did the right thing. I couldn't get him into rehab, so I walked out. If you can get him in, good for you. I hope that you can. Regardless, I really think that you should check out Al-Anon. Do you know what that is?

I've been trying to get myself to a meeting for ages and haven't been able to muster up the courage yet to get there. I don't know why I'm scared of it. It's like admitting to myself that I'm stuck in this cycle of stupidity. Because it is stupid and circular and repetitious. The same thing over and over. He may not be living here, but on some level (sexual) the relationship continues.

It's like doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results. Silliness.
shamen is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 10th September 2004, 1:35 AM   #9
New Member
 
Join Date: Sep 2004
Posts: 6
re:

I am a child of an alcoholic and a recovering alcoholic myself. what you are going through is called co-dependancy. You feel guilty if you do leave him and move on with your life if something was to happen to him, because you have made the choice to stay and deal with the situation.

from my own experience as long as you stay and continue to let him do this to you and himself the worse the situation will get. BLUNT-HARSH-but HONEST he will have to hit rock bottom before he realizes all the damage he has done and that may include losing you; if not he will take you down with him. and even then he still may not care.

MY STORY:fell inlove w/ alcoholic man stayed for 2 years. 4 kids involved and everyone was unhappy w/ both of our drinking. I love my kids to much, so i left him, but always went back. I got a D.U.I and then got sober. during my soberity i was alone and found myself again and was happy with my life, until I went back to the alcoholic botfriend. he tried to get me to relapse, but I didn't. make long story short---- he was commin down from a high of drugs and was drinking very heavily, wanted to fight with me and I wouldn't so I went home that night scared of him. I never have seen the destructive side of this man. later that night he committed suicide on my phone. he left the act on my voice mail. If I chose to stay that night and fight;I might not even be here today to let you know how bad it can get.

I know it's hard to turn away from ones that you love, but you have to love youself first!!!!
a-luvin-fool is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 9th October 2004, 3:17 AM   #10
bluelips
Guest
 
Posts: n/a
Unhappy reply again...

Thanks for all of your replies...

Here I am, back to tell you that I'm sure this rollercoaster is NOT going to ever end. I admit that I am co-dependent and I don't know what to do right now.

I'm so tired of the "bad moods". He comes home from work acting like a complete selfish idiot. If he isn't happy with this life, I don't know why he just won't make a some kind of change for the better, even if it means that he has to leave me. He won't go to rehab, he doesn't want to. I don't think he knows what he wants. I don't know how much more of this I can handle.
  Reply With Quote
Old 9th October 2004, 3:22 AM   #11
Member
 
bluelips's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2004
Location: CA
Posts: 10
back again...

I just posted a reply, but I forgot to log in so I dunno if it'll post. I'm getting too lazy to type it all again.
bluelips is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 9th October 2004, 3:30 AM   #12
Member
 
bluelips's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2004
Location: CA
Posts: 10
I just wanted to say that I really am getting tired of this and I don't know how much more of it I can handle. He doesn't wanna go to rehab. He doesn't know what he wants. He comes home in bad moods and takes things out on me with his verbal abuse.

I guess I'm on the bad part of the rollercoaster again. Shamen said that waiting it out isn't going to help, I think that's right. It's not getting any better. It's so hard to break up with him though. I think about it, but I just can't. I don't know how. This is all starting to make me a little insane. I think I'm starting to lose focus on other important things in my life because I'm so wrapped up in this.

The post from a-luvin-fool made me wanna cry.
bluelips is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 9th October 2004, 10:52 AM   #13
Established Member
 
moimeme's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2002
Location: Beautiful British Columbia
Posts: 16,499
Here's the thing. He will always have the same good points, and when it's good it will always be good - BUT - the price you have to pay is to live with the bad. It will never be all good. Your mistake is hoping that someday the bad will disappear and you'll only have good but that's very unlikely.

So what you have to do is rather than remember the good, take note of the bad. Write down notes, if you have to, about the unpleasant things he does and says to you. Then, when you're tempted to think only of the good, read your list over and over again. This isn't about demonizing him; he likely has many good qualities - but he is wasting his life and yours with it. So even though there are some wonderful things about him, in sum he's a bad deal for you and your life. It's very unlikely you'll be able to 'save' him - he has to save himself. So all you'll do is watch your own life go down the drain with his. That's no way to spend your time on this planet.
__________________
I expect to pass through this world but once. Any good, therefore, that I can do or any kindness that I can show to my fellow creatures, let me not defer nor neglect it, for I shall not pass this way again.
moimeme is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 9th October 2004, 1:34 PM   #14
Established Member
 
Join Date: Aug 2004
Location: Iowa
Posts: 119
Only you can make the choice on what you are going to do. If he doesn't want to go to rehab, you can't force him. a-luvin-fool is right you are co-dependant.
And he will have to hit rock bottom before he will realize that something has to change and even then, he may be too afraid of changing or just may not want to. You have to look out for you.
My story started when I was 13. I am a recovering addict. Sept. 18th I was clean for a year.
I was into meth and when I didn't have that, I drank till I passed out.
My relationships, all were surrounded around drugs and alcohol. If I didn't have one or the other, I could not function, so I thought at the time.
I have 2 children, things really got bad when their father almost killed me because I wanted away from him, he killed himself. Something, I still to this day struggle with. I am the same as a-luvin-fool had I went there to fight the fight, he would have taken me and my children, he wanted us dead.
When that happened, I got worse with my drugs, by this time(4 years ago) I didn't drink anymore, I was using all day everyday. I never wanted to come down. I went from guy to guy to guy. Everyone one fo them, was about drugs. Then I might a guy, who I actually had known for years. He fell so in love with me and I hide my addiction. Until one day I lied to him, told him it had been awhile since I used and begged him to use with me. He had plans on spending the weekend with me, to me the thought of not getting high was too much, so I brought him in on it. He had been in recovery for 2 years. He did it, because, he thought it would make me love him, because he wanted me to be happy with him. He spent all his time, trying to make me happy, he had no idea who he was anymore, how sad.. I did this to someone, and I didn't even see it. Then came the day he asked me to get help and all hell broke lose. I broke up with him, how dare he say i have a problem. I thought, if this person loves me, this is how he loves me, using, that is who I am. And I felt like he was attacking me.
I never meant to hurt anyone, never saw that I was hurting anyone, I just felt like everyone was attacking me. Because they couldn't see that this was actaully something that helped me I was a better person, I thought when I used. That was me, the only idenity I had for 14 years. It wsa a terrible feeling.
ALCOLISM AND DRUG ADDICTION ARE VERY SELFISH ADDICTION. And you don't even realize it at the time.
What about my children? To this day I will never figure out how they survived.
What this has done to them I will never know. When I was coming down one time a few years ago, I slept non stop for a week. I will never know how my children survived that week, they at the time were only 2 and 3. I should have seen this as a sign from my higher power saying "I am giving you another shot" instead I kept living that life.
I will never forgive myself for the things I have done to my children.
Finally September, 19, 2003,, the day I will never forget, someone turned me in. They took my children from me. I could not be around them except with supervision. I took losing my children to see what I had done. I got myself into treatment and I put all my heart and soul into everything I did with it.
This is the first year of my childrens lives, I actaully have been a mom. This is the first year, I can say I am actually learning to know who my children are.
I never really knew. As terrible as this sounds, anyone that is in recovery would have to say the same thing. I never really loved anyone before. My family, my children, my friends, none of them, I didn't know how to love them. I only knew how to get what I wanted and the ones that suffered, i didn't see it maybe because I never wanted to see it, I don't know.
I don't know that I will ever forgive myself for what I have to done to anyone that was involved. I will never forgive myself for what I put my children through, they didn't deserve any of it.
How I am changing it. I am being there mom for the first time in my life. I am clean and sober. I am beginning to love myself and becoming a friend.

I would never tell you to stay in this relationship. Because, you going to be the one that is always getting hurt. He will never see it the way you do because, it is his addiction that is causing so many hurtful things for you.
If you decide to stay, get into Al-Non. even if you don't stay I would recommend going, because, it is hard to break away from that type of person you are used to living in and you probably have very little self esteem at this time.
Take care of you. Remember, you can only change what you are doing. You can't make him change. HE has to do that.
Be careful and use extreme caution in this.
I am sorry my post is some long. I just thought maybe you would like to hear it from the other side and that is one desires, they can change and they can become better to themselves and everyone they love.
emra is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 12th October 2004, 6:24 PM   #15
Member
 
bluelips's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2004
Location: CA
Posts: 10
thank you moimeme and emra. you've all given me alternative opinions and life situations to think about.
bluelips is offline   Reply With Quote
 

Bookmarks

Thread Tools
Display Modes

 

Similar Threads
Thread Thread Starter Forum Replies Last Post
Please help.....alcoholism? wildfire7698 Dating 2 17th February 2004 10:47 PM
signs of alcoholism? new bf... aliciab68 Cheating, Flirting, and Jealousy 2 27th November 2003 12:03 AM
Relationship problems BRAD Archive 10 4th September 2001 2:27 PM

 

All times are GMT -4. The time now is 9:02 PM.

Please note: The suggestions and advice offered on this web site are opinions only and are not to be used in the place of professional psychological counseling or medical advice. If you or someone close to you is currently in crisis or in an emergency situation, contact your local law enforcement agency or emergency number.


Copyright © 1997-2013 LoveShack.org. All Rights Reserved.