Why are some people so possessive?

[melell]

Why do you think some people are so possessive of their partners?

Like if they spend time with their friends, or holiday without them type thing.

 

Is it because they were betrayed in the past- so trust issues? Is it because of just general insecurity which makes them think their partner will leave them? Is it just natural? Or maybe the partner acts in a way to make the possessive one not feel secure in the relationship?

 

More often than not in partnerships I observe, one person is really uncomfortable with their partners doing things without them- it looks like jealousy/insecurity.

 

Any thoughts on where it stems from?

[Keenly]

I'm going to go with betrayed in the past.

[melell]

I'm going to go with betrayed in the past.

I was leaning towards that too.

But, for example, my sister, she is really possessive, but had no past betrayals. Her partner was forever saying 'this isn't working out', only to retract it afterwards, and it was as if that was enough to cause her to go from not concerned to extremely possessive. Odd.

[SammySammy]

Lack of trust or insecurity.

[TheGuard13]

General insecurity, I would think.

 

 

Being possessive is something society sort of encourages, in a backwards kind of way.

[Lernaean_Hydra]

Insecurity and trust issues from the past would rate rather high on the list I imagine - and it doesn't take a personal past betrayal to make someone mistrustful of others, or so I've learned. A lot of people have seen a parent or someone close to them betray a partner which would be enough.

[melell]

So being secure kind of eliminates the possessiveness?

[FrostBlaze]

So being secure kind of eliminates the possessiveness?

I would say so. I gave my ex a green card, do whatever i'm not worried.

So she could go outside with her friends or w/e without me having to feel that she is going to cheat on me with whoever she meets. I would sometimes check on her, but in general i had my own thing to do so she would contact me when she was done.

But she cheated + seing other women that have partners try to hit on me, encouraged my behavior of not trusting anyone ever again....they fall so easy to temptation.

 

I haven't had the chance to test my new self in a relationship, but i'd probably end up being more possesive this time ^^...but it's against how i am.

So either i end up being possesive or the same as before, i trust to much when i shouldn't, but at the first sign of problems i'm out next time:)).

[pickflicker]

I think if you're secure and confident, any jealousy or possessive feelings are fleeting and harmless. Insecurity and harmful jealousy go hand in hand.

[almond]

A lot of the time, it's due to an issue that an individual has that they bring into the relationship with them (trust issues, insecurity, paranoia etc). The list of emotions/issues that may manifest in possessiveness is endless.

 

Alternatively, a person can be happy, secure and confident, but the dynamics of an unhealthy relationship can gradually eat away at this.

 

Either way, it needs to be addressed and corrected or everyone suffers.

[melell]

A lot of the time, it's due to an issue that an individual has that they bring into the relationship with them (trust issues, insecurity, paranoia etc). The list of emotions/issues that may manifest in possessiveness is endless.

 

Alternatively, a person can be happy, secure and confident, but the dynamics of an unhealthy relationship can gradually eat away at this.

 

Either way, it needs to be addressed and corrected or everyone suffers.

 

I am guessing the majority of people don't really ever address it. When I watch people like this it is almost like it is instinctual thing.

 

Personally I am very much like 'let them do as they please, I'd rather judge their chosen actions than try to control what they do.' Like the persons authenticity has been stolen if you take over their free will or something.

 

I was with someone a long time ago who was insecure/possessive, I was going to be in a new country for a month, and they were so uncomfortable about it- no amount of reassurance would help, it was like a overwhelming discomfort/anxiety. I am sure they didn't know why they felt that way.

 

It made me wonder if people who have insecurities from previous relationships usually remain that way? Expecting the worst of their partners and not looking at it objectively?

[Haydn]

My ex always expected the worse and in a way dragged me down. Nothing i said or did to reasure her seemed to work. If anything it got worse. Every text, call was treated as a betrayal. Years of appeasement. Jealousy, paranoia. I don`t think these things will ever leave her.

[FrostBlaze]

My ex always expected the worse and in a way dragged me down. Nothing i said or did to reasure her seemed to work. If anything it got worse. Every text, call was treated as a betrayal. Years of appeasement. Jealousy, paranoia. I don`t think these things will ever leave her.

Mine did the same, paranoid about me doing stuff, but she ended up doing it.

And i also knew a guy that was super paranoid with his gf, had to call her and make sure where she is, control who she talks to, remove the competition.

Wouldn't let her play online games that are male predominant just cuz she might find someone, etc.

 

I never understood these people, yeah, they cheat. If they are cheaters, you really think you can stop them? Just let them be, if they respect you enough, they won't. I could be wrong, maybe they do need a leash.

[Emilia]

I have abandonment issues because my dad left us when I was 7 and also because I grew up with an undemonstrative mother.

 

I'm not possessive but I have to fight the fear of being left all the time. I do this quietly, so much so that sometimes more emotional men take it as a sign that I don't care about what they do. It's more that I try to screen out any unhealthy tendencies, probably sometimes to a degree that I show less concern than a securely attached person would. I feel it but I've grown at being very good at disguising how I feel.

 

So it comes in different shapes and sizes and there are different reasons. As far as I know I've never been cheated on or at least I've never found out.

[pickflicker]

I am guessing the majority of people don't really ever address it. When I watch people like this it is almost like it is instinctual thing.

 

Personally I am very much like 'let them do as they please, I'd rather judge their chosen actions than try to control what they do.' Like the persons authenticity has been stolen if you take over their free will or something.

 

I was with someone a long time ago who was insecure/possessive, I was going to be in a new country for a month, and they were so uncomfortable about it- no amount of reassurance would help, it was like a overwhelming discomfort/anxiety. I am sure they didn't know why they felt that way.

 

It made me wonder if people who have insecurities from previous relationships usually remain that way? Expecting the worst of their partners and not looking at it objectively?

 

It's rarely addressed because too many people have a screwed up view that jealousy and insecurity mean that you love your partner more. And that if you act this way, and use threats and intimidation when your partner talks to a member of the opposite sex, that you're showing your "love" for them, when really, it has little to do with the person who is the focus of the jealousy and is all about the perpetrator.

 

The most dangerous consequence of this behaviour is, if pushed onto an innocent party for long enough, can actually drive them to cheat - thereby allowing them to go back to the jealous partner and say "There. Now you have something to be angry about."

[FrostBlaze]

It's rarely addressed because too many people have a screwed up view that jealousy and insecurity mean that you love your partner more. And that if you act this way, and use threats and intimidation when your partner talks to a member of the opposite sex, that you're showing your "love" for them, when really, it has little to do with the person who is the focus of the jealousy and is all about the perpetrator.

 

The most dangerous consequence of this behaviour is, if pushed onto an innocent party for long enough, can actually drive them to cheat - thereby allowing them to go back to the jealous partner and say "There. Now you have something to be angry about."

Most people will never understand that, then again i am not sure i understand it myself.

This chick used "jealousy" trick on me, telling me about boys she likes, wasn't gonna fall for it. Told her about a few girls that are interested in me or pretty and she got jealous.

So she was like "bah i do love you, look at how gealous i get, i was just testing you to see if i love you".

My actual response was "you need jealousy to confirm your love for someone?"... she would always ****-test me, and try to get me jealous .

 

 

Then i have my BFF girl friend that is worried bcuz her BF never get's jealous over anything, like he doesn't care for her.

So yeah most people take jealousy as a act of love...i find it silly myself.

But u can't change how the majority thinks about this.

[pickflicker]

Most people will never understand that, then again i am not sure i understand it myself.

This chick used "jealousy" trick on me, telling me about boys she likes, wasn't gonna fall for it. Told her about a few girls that are interested in me or pretty and she got jealous.

So she was like "bah i do love you, look at how gealous i get, i was just testing you to see if i love you".

My actual response was "you need jealousy to confirm your love for someone?"... she would always ****-test me, and try to get me jealous .

 

 

Then i have my BFF girl friend that is worried bcuz her BF never get's jealous over anything, like he doesn't care for her.

So yeah most people take jealousy as a act of love...i find it silly myself.

But u can't change how the majority thinks about this.

 

I'm not the jealous type. I support, I laugh, I empathise, I compromise, I encourage, I love...but I don't do jealousy. And I don't put up with it either.

[Emilia]

Most people will never understand that, then again i am not sure i understand it myself.

This chick used "jealousy" trick on me, telling me about boys she likes, wasn't gonna fall for it. Told her about a few girls that are interested in me or pretty and she got jealous.

So she was like "bah i do love you, look at how gealous i get, i was just testing you to see if i love you".

My actual response was "you need jealousy to confirm your love for someone?"... she would always ****-test me, and try to get me jealous .

 

 

Then i have my BFF girl friend that is worried bcuz her BF never get's jealous over anything, like he doesn't care for her.

So yeah most people take jealousy as a act of love...i find it silly myself.

But u can't change how the majority thinks about this.

It was done to me recently and to be honest at that point my respect for the person just plumets. If you have concerns over someone's feelings then have a conversation about it like an adult. Playing games will have the opposite result in my case because it triggers me and I start losing interest.

[man_in_the_box]

Why do you think some people are so possessive of their partners?

 

Her ex more the less actively kept her out of his friends/clubbing life for the duration of their relationship. I think that's what mainly fueled why my SO was possessive during the first few years of our relationship. It's been straightened out completely as I'm quite transparant on these issues.

[melell]

It's been straightened out completely as I'm quite transparant on these issues.

 

This is excellent.

[Lernaean_Hydra]

So being secure kind of eliminates the possessiveness?

 

Sure, but the thing is, the term "insecurity" calls up visions of someone who is not secure within THEMSELVES or has a low self-esteem, which I (and many others) don't necessarily battle with. I'm not controlling or possessive, nor outwardly insecure, but I am intensely privately jealous and insecure. But this is that other type of insecurity that often gets confused for personal insecurity.

 

You can be secure within yourself, feel that you are attractive, intelligent, by all rights, "a good catch" etc, but still be insecure within your relationship or even merely to varying degrees from partner to partner. Why? Well all kinds of reasons, maybe your partner is also good looking, maybe they're evasive or a flirt, maybe they've revealed they cheated in a prior relationship or maybe your "gut" just makes you doubt them...the list goes on.

 

I'm 100% certain if I didn't work very hard and put in a conscious effort to tamp down my insecurity, given the "right" circumstances, I would definitely be the girl who's checking your cell phone, wanting to know if you are where you say you are, hell, even following you in my car if it came to that. In other words: possessive. But since I don't want to epitomize the "overly attached girlfriend" meme, I take care not to let my mind wander off so far that my jealousies get the best of me and make me act irrationally.

 

Some people either don't have the luxury of having that sort of "filter" and others simply don't bother trying to check it.

[salparadise]

I have abandonment issues because my dad left us when I was 7 and also because I grew up with an undemonstrative mother.

 

I'm not possessive but I have to fight the fear of being left all the time. I do this quietly, so much so that sometimes more emotional men take it as a sign that I don't care about what they do. It's more that I try to screen out any unhealthy tendencies, probably sometimes to a degree that I show less concern than a securely attached person would. I feel it but I've grown at being very good at disguising how I feel.

 

So it comes in different shapes and sizes and there are different reasons. As far as I know I've never been cheated on or at least I've never found out.

 

Emilia understands this all too well. Insecure attachment style and abandonment issues go hand-in-hand. It's a personality feature that usually originates with disrupted or incomplete bonding with the mother in early childhood. The father not being present later as the child attempts to align with the secondary caregiver further exacerbates it.

 

Awareness that these tendencies exist and are not generally acceptable allows the person to overcompensate and repress the feelings for a more acceptable presentation. Those feelings will end up being expressed through other channels.

 

Jealousy is a normal, healthy emotion that serves a useful purpose in keeping couples together. Mild expressions are usually reassuring to the partner. When people talk about jealousy being bad/unhealthy they usually mean obsessive, controlling jealousy. Even for people with a secure attachment style, if they are not able to evoke even a small expression of jealousy in their partner it will probably feel like the partner is uncaring or lacking investment in the relationship.

 

A small amount of possessiveness is reassuring. It's only when it becomes obsessive that it feels wrong for most people. I'm sure there are many enlightened couples who trust completely and have let go of jealousy and possessiveness, or at least the need to express it. It's like so many other human behaviors in that degree/intensity or means of expression is the real issue, and not whether it exists or does not exist.

[iris219]

Some people feel like their partners should be there to constantly entertain them, so I'd say a lot of possessiveness has to do with unrealistic expectations.

[Emilia]

Jealousy is a normal, healthy emotion that serves a useful purpose in keeping couples together. Mild expressions are usually reassuring to the partner. When people talk about jealousy being bad/unhealthy they usually mean obsessive, controlling jealousy. Even for people with a secure attachment style, if they are not able to evoke even a small expression of jealousy in their partner it will probably feel like the partner is uncaring or lacking investment in the relationship.

 

A small amount of possessiveness is reassuring. It's only when it becomes obsessive that it feels wrong for most people. I'm sure there are many enlightened couples who trust completely and have let go of jealousy and possessiveness, or at least the need to express it. It's like so many other human behaviors in that degree/intensity or means of expression is the real issue, and not whether it exists or does not exist.

Agree. When someone triggers it by accident, I just express that the particular behaviour bothered me and I ask him not to repeat it. My problem is when someone causes jealousy on purpose. That I have a harder time to deal with.

[Got it]

Emilia understands this all too well. Insecure attachment style and abandonment issues go hand-in-hand. It's a personality feature that usually originates with disrupted or incomplete bonding with the mother in early childhood. The father not being present later as the child attempts to align with the secondary caregiver further exacerbates it.

 

Awareness that these tendencies exist and are not generally acceptable allows the person to overcompensate and repress the feelings for a more acceptable presentation. Those feelings will end up being expressed through other channels.

 

Jealousy is a normal, healthy emotion that serves a useful purpose in keeping couples together. Mild expressions are usually reassuring to the partner. When people talk about jealousy being bad/unhealthy they usually mean obsessive, controlling jealousy. Even for people with a secure attachment style, if they are not able to evoke even a small expression of jealousy in their partner it will probably feel like the partner is uncaring or lacking investment in the relationship.

 

A small amount of possessiveness is reassuring. It's only when it becomes obsessive that it feels wrong for most people. I'm sure there are many enlightened couples who trust completely and have let go of jealousy and possessiveness, or at least the need to express it. It's like so many other human behaviors in that degree/intensity or means of expression is the real issue, and not whether it exists or does not exist.

 

How is jealousy a normal/healthy emotion? What would prompt this emotion that would indicate a healthy response? I am trying to understand it and make sure that I am not arguing semantics in my head.

 

I can see definitely wanting to prioritize one's relationship over other things in one's life and can see when jealous pops up that it is a gut check/red flag that a potential imbalance maybe occurring that needs to be addressed. But I am not understanding how jealousy represents something good?