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Partner Sharing Problems With Acquaintances


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Hi,

 

I had...not a fight exactly with my bf, but kind of an emotional breakdown today. I've been really stressed lately and usually I can keep ny emotions under control but I couldn't today and so I vented to him. He is not very emotionally responsive and typically doesn't know how to support me when I'm emotional which is why I don't really talk to him about emotional problems.

 

I'm posting because he also doesn't seem to think privacy is as important in some aspects as I do. We joined a sports league that he knew somebody in. They invited us to a get together tonight. I chose not to go and I can't help but believe that he's talking to them about what happennrd between us today because he's done something like this before thinking it's ok to share our problems with these "friends".

 

I don't know any of these people very well and even if I did I don't want them knowing problems about our relationship. I'm now really anxious about facing this group of people for our game tomorrow. Has anyone had a situation like this, where someone close to you shared personal problems of yours/the relationship publicly? How do you deal with these strangers who now know personal stuff about you?

 

Any perspective is greatly appreciated, thanks.

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I think sharing within reasonable limits is okay (I mean, aren't we all doing that on LS?), but not to a whole bunch of mutual friends.

 

Could you talk to him and let him know you're okay with him sharing relationship problems with friends, but you would prefer he keep it to HIS friends rather than mutual ones to avoid discomfort when you see them?

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Has anyone had a situation like this, where someone close to you shared personal problems of yours/the relationship publicly?

 

Sort of like posting your relationship problems on a public forum?

 

You may view it as posting with complete anonymity but you're still publicly asking for help on relationship issues. What he did was to seek the counsel of people that hew knew and trusted.

 

Can you see the irony of what you're doing?

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I think sharing within reasonable limits is okay (I mean, aren't we all doing that on LS?), but not to a whole bunch of mutual friends.

 

Could you talk to him and let him know you're okay with him sharing relationship problems with friends, but you would prefer he keep it to HIS friends rather than mutual ones to avoid discomfort when you see them?

 

 

 

Thanks Elswyth. I have talked to him about it before. After a good night's sleep, I believe I haven't given him much credit in assuming that he wouldn't remember/care that we've talked about this before.

 

I guess there's nothing to be done about it if he has....

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My bf and I don't discuss issues that arise between us with friends/family. I don't think posting on LS is the same as doing that at ALL. If anyone on LS is going to hear me vent and start my viewing my bf in a negative light then...who cares? They will never meet me/him. If my family/friends start thinking that way, it's a problem. A lot of people will hear one bad thing and make a snap decision that sticks. I also find it disrespectful/awkward for future gatherings if everyone there has heard all of our dirty laundry. I think running to friends over every little thing that pops up in a R is very immature. I would ask my bf not to discuss our relationship issues with others, for sure.

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Sort of like posting your relationship problems on a public forum?

 

You may view it as posting with complete anonymity but you're still publicly asking for help on relationship issues. What he did was to seek the counsel of people that hew knew and trusted.

 

Can you see the irony of what you're doing?

 

 

Not really. I view the perspective I get here as objective. You have no prior association to me or my bf as far as either of us know, so I think input from anonymous folks with no personal connection can more easily help me get a balanced perspective in the event I'm wrongly placing blame on him/viewing him negatively Perfect example is your response here - I hadn't considered that HE feels comfortable enough with these people to share because of his personal friendship with them. I assumed he wasn't very close to them either and I could be wrong there.

 

However, I do think personal associations impact perception when a problem is shared. We're all adults but let's be honest - adults gossip and become cliquy and marginalize "outsiders" just like teenagers do. If they are friends with him and know and trust him, and he says to them "I'm crazy" or "I'm being a b***h,". I become the outsider because they have a personal bias in his favor. They will interact with me differently because of that information. I've already seen it play out with other team members that have been marginalized. This is why I ask him not to share problems with MUTUAL acquaintances. If he shares to a bunch of people that don't know me I don't care - I don't have to interact with these strangers personally on an ongoing basis. Can't say the same in this situation.

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A lot of people will hear one bad thing and make a snap decision that sticks. I also find it disrespectful/awkward for future gatherings if everyone there has heard all of our dirty laundry.

 

These two things match my sentiments exactly.

 

I can't recall ever being in this situation so if the team members start acting weird today I'm going to be really uncomfortable for the rest of the season :-/.

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If there is some MAJOR issue that he needed to discuss with a close, trusted friend, I think that would be fine. It's the rehashing of every mis-step that would really not be okay with me. He should be able to understand why it'd make you uncomfortable if you explain it.

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If there is some MAJOR issue that he needed to discuss with a close, trusted friend, I think that would be fine. It's the rehashing of every mis-step that would really not be okay with me. He should be able to understand why it'd make you uncomfortable if you explain it.

 

Well even if this was a major issue (which to him it may be) I wouldn't want him sharing it with this group of friends. Is that maybe selfish of me? I mean on a serious issue I understand sometimes you need outside perspective, but I would at least expect him to share with someone that we're both comfortable with to have that kind of personal insight into our relationship.

 

Honestly if this situation was a major problem for him, I would expect him to talk to his siblings or a childhood friend. Those are people he's known all his life, of course he would talk to them right? But not to some random group of people that he just met less than a year ago.....that just strikes me as messed up.

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Has anyone had a situation like this, where someone close to you shared personal problems of yours/the relationship publicly? How do you deal with these strangers who now know personal stuff about you?

 

Water under the bridge now but at the time I did feel a bit uncomfortable hugging female friends of my exW with the realization that they knew a good deal of our marital business, including bedroom business. Anonymous 'sharing', like on LS, wouldn't bother me.

 

That dynamic is what caused me to start telling MW's to keep me out of the marital business loop and talk to their husbands. Funnily enough, that got rid of most of the MW's :)

 

How I handled it, in the past, was to soldier on and mention my discomfort to my then wife. Don't know if it changed anything or not, as that came pretty late in the M.

 

IMO, it appears people's perspectives on the subject of sharing private couple business vary widely, so I'd consider such matters an aspect of compatibility rather than 'right or wrong'. If minds meet, they do; if not, not.

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My mother's wisdom was this: if you complain about your partner to family or friends, Your family and friends may hold that issue against your partner long after you've forgiven and forgotten.

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Thanks Elswyth. I have talked to him about it before. After a good night's sleep, I believe I haven't given him much credit in assuming that he wouldn't remember/care that we've talked about this before.

 

I guess there's nothing to be done about it if he has....

 

Well, yes, if he has agreed to stop doing it previously, give him a chance to prove that he will. :) Don't jump to assumptions first.

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Hi,

 

I chose not to go and I can't help but believe that he's talking to them about

what happennrd between us today because he's done something like this before

thinking it's ok to share our problems with these "friends".

 

 

Maybe you are thinking too much. He may just be having fun and has not talked about you at all.

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Sort of like posting your relationship problems on a public forum?

 

You may view it as posting with complete anonymity but you're still publicly asking for help on relationship issues. What he did was to seek the counsel of people that hew knew and trusted.

 

Can you see the irony of what you're doing?

 

It's really not the same, at all!

 

I don't know, you don't know me, we share no mutual friends and there is almost no chance that what you share here will be possibly brought up between your friends or your SO.

 

Sharing personal information with acquaintances though that know you and your SO have a much bigger potential to be uncomfortable and awkward, hence many people prefer a space like LS for certain issues as what happens on LS stays on LS and most of us aren't using our real names, real pictures or hanging out with each other.

'

In any case OP, you and your bf need to come to some kind of agreement about how to share and with whom. I can't say I've experienced this specific problem but I'd say that since you don't know for sure if he's shared with these people it's no use assuming he has and assuming they're looking at you funny, just act like you're unaware I'd say. But besides that, you need to come up with some kind of solution with your bf about this.

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Under The Radar
My mother's wisdom was this: if you complain about your partner to family or friends, Your family and friends may hold that issue against your partner long after you've forgiven and forgotten.

 

 

 

 

I have to say ...... your mother is one smart woman.

 

 

Many relationships have failed for not following this advice.

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