Boyfriend doesn't miss me when he's away?

[JennHenn]

Thanks for reading, would just like some advice as I don't know whether I'm right to be upset...

 

My boyfriend and I have been together for just over a year. We met at university and are still both there. He's just gone home for Christmas and will be gone for 3 weeks. I've been getting upset recently about him leaving, as I know how much I'm going to miss him. I've tried not to talk about it much with him, as it just sounds moapy and is pointless.

 

This morning, however, before his parents picked him up, it hit me. I got upset and told him that I'm going to miss him. He just didn't seem phased at all. His response was "it's 3 weeks, what's the big deal?". He said that he's just excited to see his family and friends as he hasn't seen them in months. I totally understand this, but the thing is, why can't he miss me too? Then he said he will miss me, but, in this words, he "won't exactly be crying over it...". He told me he "just doesn't get like that". He only lives a few hours away, and recently when I suggested that I could go to his for new year, his response was "well.. I don't know what I'm doing yet. You just plan your own thing". Surely if he thought he was going to miss me, he wouldn't want to go a whole 3 weeks without seeing me?

 

I'm starting to feel like he doesn't love me, but the thing is, he tells me he does. He says that it's got nothing to do with not loving me, and that he doesn't even miss his family when he doesn't see them for months. And that is true, but I think it's different when you're in a relationship. It's just upsetting missing someone who you feel doesn't miss you back. He did say that he will, but with all of the other things he's said, and the way he's acted, I can't help but feel like he doesn't. Should I just accept that he said he will? Or accept that he probably won't, but be ok with it?

[JennHenn]

Thanks for your reply. I think you're right. I'm still so in love with him though. I forgot to mention in my first post that he did actually break up with me recently, but we got back together. He stopped telling me he loved me, but has recently started to say it again. We both had a lot of stresses to deal with before he broke up with me, and were arguing a lot. We're getting back on track now though, so I'm hoping that maybe he can fall back in love again. Don't know if that's possible, but I'm really hoping it is.

[mrs rubble]

Hmm sounds like you might be smothering him a bit maybe?

 

I've been with my man for nearly 2 years and we had an (unplanned) week apart in October, he was on the phone to me every day saying how much he missed me, I told him I missed him too....which was a half truth.

I enjoyed my space and freedom. Yet I never told him that as I'm sure he'd have been hurt. Having time to myself, made me appreciate him more and made me feel more refreshed in the relationship.

My man is constantly telling me he loves me, which is lovely.....but it gets a bit tiring hearing it all the time and makes me wonder whether it's just a habit.

Any way guess what I'm trying to say is remember the old saying "Absense makes the heart grow fonder", make sure you have a brilliant break away from him and do all the things you wouldn't normally do with him around. Treat yourself to some quaility "me" time.

[d0nnivain]

Yes it hurts. But the things is, men don't think the way women do. My husband doesn't miss me when we're apart. It has nothing to do with how much he loves me. The way he explained it to me is that he's secure in our relationship & just because we're apart doesn't mean we're over, or anything's bad. He knows we're still connected so there is no need to miss me. No, that doesn't make a ton of sense to me, because I think differently but when I try to put myself in his shoes, I can see his logic & I liked the idea that he was so strong about us. It's hard to reconcile when you think differently but have a little faith.

[Iguanna]

Sometimes people's words and actions don't match. You should not pay attention to what he says rather to what he does. I'm concerned more for the fact that you asked him to join his for new year's eve and he rejected you cause he wanted to see his family and friends. It seems he doesn't take you seriously cause else he would want you to meet his family and spend some days with them. I guess he does love you in a way but he keeps some part of himself for himself, he keeps his opportunities open and he takes you for granted. I can't tell you you should break up with him, but if a relationship lets us with a bitter feeling in our hearts, why should we go on with it? He's shown with his actions what you mean to him. Thing is, are you satisfied with it?

[Keenly]

Okay well before all the women come in here and tell you to break up with him because he doesn't love you ( too late ) you need to understand that guys ARE NOT LIKE THIS.

 

We don't get upset and cry because we are going to miss some one. We suck it up,get through it, and come back to the relationship after the time away.

 

 

I swear to god if I see one more thread that starts off with " my man isn't acting like a woman, what do I do ? " followed by responses of " he doesn't love you, leave him. "

 

Or we could let men be men and women be women.

[fujidabruin]

Yes it hurts. But the things is, men don't think the way women do. My husband doesn't miss me when we're apart. It has nothing to do with how much he loves me. The way he explained it to me is that he's secure in our relationship & just because we're apart doesn't mean we're over, or anything's bad. He knows we're still connected so there is no need to miss me. No, that doesn't make a ton of sense to me, because I think differently but when I try to put myself in his shoes, I can see his logic & I liked the idea that he was so strong about us. It's hard to reconcile when you think differently but have a little faith.

 

I like this ^^^

 

Donnivain does not necessarily agree with her loved one, but she accepts his differing viewpoint and does not let her insecurities tear apart the relationship. I think this is empowering. Not often are a man and woman going to have the same EXACT emotional response to events or circumstances..... she knows this and uses perspective to act in a positive way. LOVE/ FAITH/ ACCEPTANCE

 

JennHenn, hope you choose not to act out of your insecurities. It is good to communicate your feelings, but when you expect another person to act based on strictly how you feel then you are creating conflict and drama that may be unnecessary. Hope you can find some common ground here. Good Luck to you

[jen12]

Okay well before all the women come in here and tell you to break up with him because he doesn't love you ( too late ) you need to understand that guys ARE NOT LIKE THIS.

 

We don't get upset and cry because we are going to miss some one. We suck it up,get through it, and come back to the relationship after the time away.

 

 

I swear to god if I see one more thread that starts off with " my man isn't acting like a woman, what do I do ? " followed by responses of " he doesn't love you, leave him. "

 

Or we could let men be men and women be women.

 

Because all men are the same and all women are the same lol? Gosh I hope not. Then again if "men" weren't into missing their partners this much we'd have half as many stalkers so that much would be good. But stereotypes aside I sure agree that different people react differently and that in itself is no ground to think that one partner doesn't care or love the other. And it depends a lot on circumstances too.

 

My boyfriend and I travel a lot, and we've noticed that overall, whoever is the one left behind does most of the missing. I think it's a control thing. When I go it's as if I feel it's up to me to come back so I feel more in control. Unless I'm going for a very long time I don't miss him at all while I'm away. I'll stay in touch so he doesn't worry but frankly I could so easily forget to. Meanwhile before I leave he complains he's going to miss me. And when he goes I'm the one who gets all down. So ok in that way we're the same but my point is it depends on the circumstances too whether or not you miss the other person. It's not only about how much you love one another in general.

 

And on top of that people are different. When he leaves I feel super down at first then I get used to it and I start feeling ok. My boyfriend, the opposite. He'll be "but we've just been together, of course I don't miss you". And after a while he starts saying he does and wants to talk on the phone for hours when I'd rather do whatever I had planned for that day. Does that mean at that particular time I love him less than he loves me? I guess you could say that but then again I'd be just as super distraught as he'd be if we were breaking up. So as for your boyfriend not missing you as much as you miss him, I'd say that ok it means that he's not totally head over heels, hooked on you like an addict on his dope. Because if he was he'd be distraught sure. But it doesn't mean at all he doesn't care about you, and that he doesn't love you. It's possible too that he doesn't love you as much as you love him, but even that doesn't mean he doesn't love you a hell of a lot. Some years ago a buddy of mine told me that it nearly never happens that both partners love one another as much. I hate to say it but I think she was right. But also it changes over time who loves who the most.

 

The thing I'm not sure about myself is the "actions speak louder than words" problem as another poster said. When someone can be with you but doesn't really care much either way then I get worried. I mean for just one time like you said, I think no don't worry about it. There could be many reasons. But if it's a general thing then I don't know.

[MissBee]

Okay well before all the women come in here and tell you to break up with him because he doesn't love you ( too late ) you need to understand that guys ARE NOT LIKE THIS.

 

We don't get upset and cry because we are going to miss some one. We suck it up,get through it, and come back to the relationship after the time away.

 

 

I swear to god if I see one more thread that starts off with " my man isn't acting like a woman, what do I do ? " followed by responses of " he doesn't love you, leave him. "

 

Or we could let men be men and women be women.

 

No one is expecting him to be crying over this but his responses sound like he is not that into her.

 

I'm sorry, but with all my boyfriends I never had to encourage them to say they'd miss me. If they didn't see me for even a few days they would express that muchless almost a month, any woman in a good relationship can attest to this. They were't crying over it, neither was I, but their response wasn't "Sure I'll miss you but I'm not gonna be crying over it..." I mean wtf, who says that?? It sounds like when you don't like someone that much so you're annoyed at even the thought of having to say you miss them so you add that rude caveat. Also never had a boyfriend who when it's an important night like NYE is gonna tell me "Don't know what i'm doing but better make your own plans!" What?! I am in no way tethered to any man I date neither is he tethered to me but in HEALTHY relationships your partner does miss you and does express it without being coerced and isn't rude about it neither do they dodge you and make ambiguous plans.

 

This hasn't a thing to do with men being men...wtf

 

In any case, OP, you seem dissatisfied with this as you should be and I'd back off and see for yourself if he initiates contact, meeting up and interest over the next 3 weeks. A man who is inlove with you will do that. If he is absent and very hands off for these 3 weeks, you will know where you stand and if that is good for you.