Why are A's so dramatic??

[unodos1011]

I venture into the OW/OM and it seems like everything is soooo...dramatic (sorry I tried to think of a better word). I'm 2 years out from my DDay so this isn't being said with any hatred, I'm just genuinely trying to understand. I've been married 5 and a half years, when my husband and I were dating I didn't agonize over every moment we didn't talk, I don't remember analyzing everything he said, especially after we were on the same page that we were dating (or in cases of A's they're unhappy and in love). What's up with it?? Are emotions intensified a lot more than if they were in just a normal relationship?

[whichwayisup]

I venture into the OW/OM and it seems like everything is soooo...dramatic (sorry I tried to think of a better word). I'm 2 years out from my DDay so this isn't being said with any hatred, I'm just genuinely trying to understand. I've been married 5 and a half years, when my husband and I were dating I didn't agonize over every moment we didn't talk, I don't remember analyzing everything he said, especially after we were on the same page that we were dating (or in cases of A's they're unhappy and in love). What's up with it?? Are emotions intensified a lot more than if they were in just a normal relationship?

 

Just my opinion..

 

Affairs are unhealthy and are based on lies, hidden truths and on the expense of innocent people. The taboo of it all, having to sneak around, to hide, to keep it behind closed doors IS a dynamic that automatically is there. As time goes on that intensity takes over and so do feelings of attachment and being addicted to the feelings felt in that affair setting. The glue that holds an affair together is not the kind of 'love' or 'trust' that grows in the time into something healthy and long lasting. Affairs are messy, and they mess people up, all in the triangle at the end of it get hurt, whether it's intentional or not.

 

Normal relationships are not based on lies. A normal relationship you can boost about and proud of! Introduce the new person to everybody, there's no lies to hide the R as it's out in the open and nobody is going to be hurt by it. (aka, no spouse, no kids).

[underwater2010]

I believe it is because of the deceptive nature of an affair. They both know that they are lying to others, so the subconscious KNOWS that they can lie to each other. Therefore they are always checking up on one another.

 

And this will reflect in a couple trying to reconcile. We know that we have been lied to and often realize that the other shoe could drop at anytime. It takes years to get past that if both partners work together and rebuild the trust.

[RightThere]

They're more intense because of the "taboo" nature of them, but also because you don't have to deal with all the rest of the "real relationship" issue. Dirty dishes, laundry, sick kids, etc.

 

They highlight the good life like it's a dumb beer commercial, but avoid for a long time the difficult parts of being in a relationship.

[imfine]

Why are they so dramatic? Fear. Fear the AP is lying to you. Fear they've been caught. Fear they are at home shagging their spouse. Fear they are losing interest. Fear you've been caught. Fear everyone will hate you. Fear your career will suffer. Fear you will lose them. See where I'm going with this? Intense feelings for the forbidden accompanied by constant fear will drive someone insane. Throw intense guilt to mix and it's a crazy making drama fest.

[Furious]

I venture into the OW/OM and it seems like everything is soooo...dramatic (sorry I tried to think of a better word). I'm 2 years out from my DDay so this isn't being said with any hatred, I'm just genuinely trying to understand. I've been married 5 and a half years, when my husband and I were dating I didn't agonize over every moment we didn't talk, I don't remember analyzing everything he said, especially after we were on the same page that we were dating (or in cases of A's they're unhappy and in love). What's up with it?? Are emotions intensified a lot more than if they were in just a normal relationship?

 

My take is that some people crave drama and it's fueled by the secrecy.

 

If...lets say my husband had said...dear, I'm going out a few hours to meet up with the OW and tell her again for the hundredth time I cannot leave you because of the "children" but our love is real. And I responded....have a good time but don't be late for Johnny's game tonight and could you stop off at the store for milk on your way home.:D:D

 

See....without the secrecy and risk an affair lacks drama.

[Snowflower]

Most men hate drama. They leave that kind of thing to their wives, girlfriends, etc. So, I've always wondered why a man who has always previously hated drama gets involved in affair, which is nothing but drama.

 

I asked my H this shortly after d-day. He had always been a typical guy, hated drama and fluff and then after his A came to light, it was obvious it was nothing but drama. He really has never had a good answer for me.

 

In my case, I think it was the OW who was fueled by the drama of it all. My H was along for the ride, stupid of him.

[cozycottagelg]

Some people are just dramatic in general. I know a lot of married people, not having affairs, that seem to have drama surrounding them at all times.

 

I'm sure there are drama free affairs (prior to D-day). Perhaps so run of the mill and mundane that people don't find themselves needing to seek the opinion of strangers on the internet.

 

It is what it is. Or it is what you make it to be.

[cozycottagelg]

Some people are just dramatic in general. I know a lot of married people, not having affairs, that seem to have drama surrounding them at all times.

 

I'm sure there are drama free affairs (prior to D-day). Perhaps so run of the mill and mundane that people don't find themselves needing to seek the opinion of strangers on the internet.

 

It is what it is. Or it is what you make it to be.

 

This actually came off much ruder than I intended. I apologize if this was offensive to anyone involved in an affair.

 

There are also a lot of people on the OM/OW forum that don't seem to be dramatic at all.

[William]

As this thread was reported for review, moderation will address two issues:

 

1. Please see the link below for the backstory of the thread starter's marriage:

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/marriage-life-partnerships/infidelity/298204-s-been-month-but-i-cant-stop-obsessing

 

2. References to/description of other members or groups of members on this forum are disallowed so members are directed to confine their comments to the topic of 'why are A's so dramatic' without such references. I have left the thread starter's posting unedited for purposes of clarity.

 

Since the thread starter is asking a general question regarding drama in infidelity, and nothing relevant to their current marital/affair situation, I'll move this to GRD.

 

Thanks and please continue the discussion.

[xxoo]

One reason could be the insecurity that affairs breed. No one is sure (or honest) about where it is going, what it will become. Everything is heightened because it could be ripped apart at any moment.

[unodos1011]

Thank you to everyone who took the time to reply! A lot of what was said put things into perspective for me and I suppose I already "knew" the answer. It's just hard to makes sense of such nonsense sometimes.

Edited October 22, 2013 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[crederer]

I think most people (not all) who willingly engage in affairs are emotionally unstable or emotionally crippled in some shape or form to begin with. The drama is a side effect of that. If you look at the affairs section of the board, some of the responses the people give are just so out in left field as to the justifications they give themselves, and I'd be willing to bet my left nut that the vast majority of them have had terrible childhood's and have mommy/daddy issues.

 

Most OW/OM that believe the lies they're told, don't actually believe them they just choose to believe them, which is completely different. Most WS are simply selfish and don't care about anyone but themselves. Or they might care, but only care in so far as how everything effects them (i.e they may care about their kids, but only because of the payoff they get from their love, may care about their wife/husband but only in so far as what they offer them, etc). Just my opinion.

[Grumpybutfun]

The OW/OM or married AP's situation to me are a happiness and peace suck so I try to stay away from people who engage, or will drop them as friends and distance myself from these colleagues. I have no tolerance for drama baiters. The drama is because these people are all about drama, shallowness, and no self-respect or respect for others. They are knowingly and willingly destroying lives in order to scratch an itch due to their own selfishness. Being in the military I know what infidelity looks like...and it turns good men and women into complete caricatures of who they used to be before the A. They destroy their lives and their MM/MW lives and don't understand the ramifications this will have because they have no idea how to function without the drama. My wife and I decided a long time ago, just so people understood our stance on this matter, that we do not want to be involved in other people's soap operas, so if you are a cheater, please do not taint us with your lack of decency and common sense. As you can see, I am pretty hardass about infidelity because I saw in twenty-five years in the military how it destroys and corrupts by association. (Many young people will see their elders in this type of behavior and think it is acceptable.) It isn't and though I know I will be absolutely pounded for this, I think cheaters have the capacity for any despicable action so I wouldn't trust one in business, in friendship or in relationships. I do believe in redemption, and that people change because I know everyone makes a mistake, yet most just feel sorry for getting caught. It is unfortunate that we just accept any behavior from people no matter how destructive it is on communities, families and especially children.

Straightforwardly,

Grumps

[unodos1011]

The OW/OM or married AP's situation to me are a happiness and peace suck so I try to stay away from people who engage, or will drop them as friends and distance myself from these colleagues. I have no tolerance for drama baiters. The drama is because these people are all about drama, shallowness, and no self-respect or respect for others. They are knowingly and willingly destroying lives in order to scratch an itch due to their own selfishness. Being in the military I know what infidelity looks like...and it turns good men and women into complete caricatures of who they used to be before the A. They destroy their lives and their MM/MW lives and don't understand the ramifications this will have because they have no idea how to function without the drama. My wife and I decided a long time ago, just so people understood our stance on this matter, that we do not want to be involved in other people's soap operas, so if you are a cheater, please do not taint us with your lack of decency and common sense. As you can see, I am pretty hardass about infidelity because I saw in twenty-five years in the military how it destroys and corrupts by association. (Many young people will see their elders in this type of behavior and think it is acceptable.) It isn't and though I know I will be absolutely pounded for this, I think cheaters have the capacity for any despicable action so I wouldn't trust one in business, in friendship or in relationships. I do believe in redemption, and that people change because I know everyone makes a mistake, yet most just feel sorry for getting caught. It is unfortunate that we just accept any behavior from people no matter how destructive it is on communities, families and especially children.

Straightforwardly,

Grumps

 

 

I spent time in the military too and that's exactly when my H's A occured. They were both spouses and could "relate". On my first deployment my squad leader and and another NCO were both married and fooling around with younger enlisted girls. They then had the nerve to punish other lower enlisted males for talking to these girls. It was sick. Military affairs are a beast of their own!