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Am I being selfish?


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Hello all!

I'm a newbie here and I would really appreciate any advice that you may be able to give. Sorry if this is quite long. I am in a relationship with a man that I really love, I believe that he loves me too. He is a great guy but sometimes I feel that he isn't very thoughtful of my feelings. For starters every week I make the trip over to his place to spend the night over at his place (he has never picked me up). He lives in another state so I have to take a bus over, he has a car but I don't want to inconvenience him besides I don't mind the ride. I come over and I cook, I clean. I buy groceries and I just try to do anything I can to help because he lives alone. I honestly never ask for anything but to be with him. When he asks me to come I come no matter what time (day or night) I have never said no. When I ask to see him it's usually not a good time. It has to be when he wants. But I try not to make a big thing out of it. When I'm there we have a great time except he is always texting (secretly) I can never see his phone and it's always on silent. After he is done texting he flips it back over, when the phone is charging it is flipped over and face down. But if I start to look at mine he will get upset. He doesn't want any guys to text me and I would never do so anyways because I find it disrespectful but he is always texting girls. He has even called 2 girls twice while we were laying down. I cried myself to sleep (he didn't see) when he gets annoyed by what I'm telling him through text he starts to ignore me, but if i even appear to be ignoring him he will tell me I'm not being nice etc. and that I shouldn't ignore him. I constantly ask if we can go out to places and he says yes but we never go. I'm sure that we will get around to doing it but i just want to know when? Am I being to sensitive? I know he loves me but he just doesn't empathize well.

 

Best,

Lina

 

PS. He lives in another state but it borders mine so it isn't as far as some may think. About 1 hour and a 1/2

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What do you get out of the relationship? It doesn't sound like much. Many people get paid to do what you do for your boyfriend

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take his BS? Yes. Be his maid...hell no!

 

Trust me, I'm hispanic....women are taught that a good woman cooks and cleans for her man. Same goes for my African, Caribbean and Asian friends.

We were born here....but our mothers do this....and to a certain extent we do it too.

 

I will cook everyday as long as I am not tired or busy, but the moment it is expected of me because I'm a woman and that's what a good woman does, i'm out.

 

I don't do the whole cooking and cleaning in order for a man to love me crap my ancestors did, lol. It stops with me.

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I don't care what ethnicity you are. There should be an equal desire to spoil your loved one. I just don't believe that because you are mexican or italian that you should cook and clean while your man rubs his fat belly on the couch watching the game.

 

Yes you should do those things but he should also return the favor by rubbing your feet and cleaning the house after you get home from a long day of work.

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SHOULD being the key word here. Go to Mexico (that's not where I'm from), or Iraq, or India, or wherever and say that, they'll look at you like, um, what are you, a pussy?

 

I agree with you, that's why I can't get be friends with girls that think like this, or be with guys who think like this.

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I really appreciate your comments. Sometimes I feel as if I'm being selfish or overreacting but all the while I kinda feel something inside telling me I'm not. Also to Emva, I promise not to get defensive. I honestly welcome all constructive criticism:)

Edited by Lina114
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why do you think you're the one being selfish?

 

He is.

 

Read this:

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/dating/434109-what-personal-lessons-have-you-learned#post5286742

 

All of them are true and all of them are true to what you're in right now. These are mistakes most humans go through and learn from (some just keep going back though.)

 

Right now you are in your "in love" phase. God can come down himself and say "my child, he is not the one" and you will say "God I know you are always right, but this time you are wrong!"

Edited by emva07
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devilish innocent

I believe part of the reason that he may not be so sensitive to your feelings is because you're not doing a good job of expressing them. For example, you said in your thread "I don't mind the ride", and "I honestly never ask for anything but to be with him."

 

Okay, if you honestly don't mind riding over to his place, then why are you even mentioning it here? After all, "don't mind" means that there is no problem at all. You are just as happy to travel to his place as to have him come over to yours. Right? Or does your definition of minding something differ from mine?

 

Then you say you never ask for anything but to be with him. If you're not asking for thing, then you can't blame him for not giving you more. He's probably taking you at face value that all you want from him is the time you spend with him. He likely isn't even aware that there are any problems.

 

You don't have to come over every time he asks you to at the last moment. You could try to arrange a time ahead of schedule that works for both of you. You also don't have to cook and clean for him every time you're there. You're his significant other, not his maid. Relationships should be give and take. If you feel like you're doing a lot more of the giving than taking, then it's natural to feel resentful. But you can't place all of the blame for the situation on him if you're always offering and never asking for anything in return. You need to either stop offering as much of yourself and/or let him know what things you want in return.

 

Now on to the texting. If he's having an inappropriate relationship with these girls, that's another matter. Since you're mine concern is that he's doing it when you're around, I'll assume that's the only issue. You need to not be afraid to speak up and call him in on what he's doing. Just say what you've said here-that he doesn't like you ignoring him when you're there, so you want the same from him.

 

As far as going places, you could try making specific plans to go to a particular place at a particular time. Rather than asking a general question about going out more, why not say, "There's this movie/festival/sports event/ park/ wine tasting that sounds interesting to check out. Is that something you'd be interested in doing with me?" If he says yes, then start asking what times work for his schedule until you find a time that works for both of you. Plan out the logistics of who'll be driving/taking the bus, etc. and you'll be all set to go. If he doesn't like your first suggestion of something to do, then suggest other activities or ask him what he'd enjoy. Just don't give up until you find something that he's willing to try.

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  • 2 weeks later...

Hi,

 

This guy doesn't really feel about you the way you do him. I know that isn't easy to hear but take it from one who has been there and done that.

 

Everything works because you're playing by his rules. You are working your darnedest to please him and make him happy yet what is he doing for you?

 

A loving relationship is a two way street. How does he show you he's thoughtful and considerate of you? What does he do to compromise and work things so that you aren't the only one that's inconvenienced?

 

Please know that you are worthy and deserving of the best, and he's not stepping up to the plate. He seems controlling and deceitful.

 

I'd walk away and hold your head up high before you get your heart broken, because it will happen. Move on to someone better.

 

Good luck...

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You need to establish boundaries and not let them get compromised. Givers often feel like they are the responsible ones when it's the other way around. This time you need to be selfish.

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