How do I get my boyfriend to treat his family better?

[Honeyspur]

Hi I'm new here and am hoping I can get some advice on some things concerning me, my boyfriend and my boyfriend's family.

 

Ok I'm going to try not to get too long-winded here.....

 

I live with my boyfriend of several years. We are both 30. We have a decent relationship - and I am fairly close to his family. His mother and father are divorced, but do not have problems with each other.

Most of his family lives here in town (his brother, his father and his mother) and his sister lives many states away and comes to visit a few times a year.

If you combine all the extended families together (his brother's wife and her four children, his sister's husband, his father's girlfriend and his mother's husband) you have a whopping 12 or 13 people at a get together.

 

The problem is, my boyfriend has serious issues with spending time with his family. Whenever they come calling, he is unresponsive, often not answering the phone or even the door. This leaves me to do it and sometimes he gets angry that I don't act the way he does.

 

Over the years we've talked about this at length and when his family is not around or there is no threat of them, he is very open and objective and seems to understand his behaviour is not acceptable and neither is putting too much pressure on me.

 

But the day before a big get together or the day of one, he becomes indignant, uncooperative and on edge. He seems to forget about our discussions and methods of coping we've come up with.

These get togethers are often spontaneous - changing with the moment and not very organized. This rattles me as much as it does him, but I always manage to have a smile on my face, engage in conversation and, if the get togethers are here in our home, remain a good hostess. But my boyfriend is irritable, quiet and tries to duck out of the scene many times to "relax". I end up shouldering all the responsibility, even having to come up with colorful excuses to his behaviour since he doesn't want me to tell them the truth or deal with it himself.

These events are always too long for his taste - 4 - 5 hours a stretch - but this seems normal to me for a family that only gets together 2 or 3 times a year.

 

As you might be wondering, his family all have bizarre problems that obviously bother him. His father drinks too much, his sister cries too much, his brother talks too much and his mother is a little insane. But he really doesn't see a way out and just suffers through the guilt and frustration - taking it out on me in the process.

I have been to several events and never feel attacked or put out by these personal issues they have. I accept them, talk about them when they want to and try to keep everything fun. My boyfriend shushs them when they want to be candid and dodges the room when things get too boisterous. (6 children in this picture, don't forget! Ages ranging from 2 to 17)

 

To make this even more difficult, when I try politely not to be involved or not be available during one of these events - both he and his family are hurt/confused.

I don't feel it is my place to sit down with his family and explain him to them and though I don't say this - I really am resenting it more and more that he's putting me in this situation.

His family is nice but I feel they care about me a little more than I do them - they have a smothering quality.

 

I also want to be clear on how much I've talked about this with him. Pretty much everything I've said so far in here, (except the "resentment" part) I've talked with him about - often numerous times.

 

I feel our relationship needs to move towards marriage, but don't want to do it until this is worked out.

Right now, everyone's here in town and tomorrow is the first big get together.

How do I cope????

How do I:

a. Get him to be more involved at the event and be pleasant?

b. Not spread myself too thin - be able to have time for things I need to to do and still spend quality time with them?

c. Explain to his family what the deal is without upsetting him?

 

 

And as one last add, he is almost completely absent during events with my family when they come to town which really hurts because my family is very planned, organized and brief - the opposite of his family.

 

Thank you for listening!

[StartingAgain]

You need to back off on this. You say yourself that his family all have problems. There may be some things that you don't know about that makes him keep his family at a distance. Sometimes families are so toxic that associating with them can be very damaging. I know that mine is and I have very little to do with any of them except one of my sisters. I tried for years to do just what you are trying to do, but finally gave it up because I understood that it was all fake.

 

It is his family not yours. Allow him to deal with them as he deems best. Do not force him to have a relationship with them that he doesn't want to have. He may need to get some therapy to learn how to deal with them in a healthy way. It may be hard for you to understand if you come from a "normal" family, but not all families are worth maintaining.