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Girlfriend constantly constantly constantly gripes.


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My girlfriend constantly gripes. She just moved to a new city, left a well-paying job because she couldn't stand it and she would constantly gripe over it, and now she is already bitching about a job she has not had for more than a month. She seems to do this constantly and I am beginning to feel like I have nothing left to tell her but sorry. always I am nice to her and listen to her, but recently I have been moving and dealing with some health issues that have been worrying me. I'm almost at the point where I want to tell her that she needs to stop complaining to me because I really can't do anything about her situation but reinforce that it sucks or that she should make herself happy doing something else. She is lucky to be in the situation she is with all of her debt and other issues. She also constantly complains about her roomate situation, when what she has is quite nice. All I want to do when she starts complaining is hang up the phone because i don't want to be associated with her negative feelings over something that I can't control. I have a feeling that if I tell her she is driving me crazy with constant complaining that she is going to blow up at me and accuse me of being insensitive... or try to put me in a position where she is going to try to make me look bad or feel guilty. The worst part about it all is that when I have a valid thing to be worried about, she reacts harshly to me and tells me that I am over-reacting and that I'm acting like it is the end of the world. I don't consider this to be true, and she seems to describe herself when saying that to me.

 

 

helllp

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StartingAgain

Your GF's constant griping is an indication that she is harboring unresolved anger. She needs to face it and resolve it. Sometimes the anger is so great, so old, so deepy repressed that she may not know what she's really angry about. You telling her to "quitchebitchin" will do nothing but turn her anger on you. You should talk to her about this in an non-confrontational and non-judgemetnal way, focusing on how much you care about her and how concerned you are for her. Maybe there's something she could talk about. She may need therapy and if you care about her, you must suggest it if she can't get a grip alone. If you can't or own't deal with this, you will need to consider ending the relationship. People with a lot of unresolved anger aren't happy. There's an old saying that there is no such thing as an unhappy marriage, only unhappy married people. The same is true for any romantic relationshi.

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:D Record her- next time she tries to blow off your probs play it back. If she remains insensitive she's not worth your time.
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StartingAgain

No, Faybelle. What you suggest is a technique that psychotherapists often use as a way of helping someone understand their behavior. but this has to be handled very carefully and the individual confronted with the playbak in a controlled way and at the right time. To do this in any other way is an emotional betrayal.

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I always try to be caring and understanding and non-confrontational with her. Constantly I am looking at ways that I can help her with her problems. It gets to the point where no matter what the problem is or gripe, she tells me that she can't do THIS because of THIS, or that she can't do THIS because of THIS. She has debt issues which are the result of her moving out at a young age to escape abuse by her parents. She was also sexually attacked by 3 strangers at once when she was young. She has not finished school because she has always had work get in the way, and she needs to always have a full-time job to keep up with her debt. Along with her work she is always making ridiculous schedules for herlsef to try to catch up with school. Her history has been to start it, have work get in the way, and then being mad and angry at the fact that she will never finish college. If I tell her to go to therapy she is going to just snap and tell me that she can't afford it. I feel like I have run out of options, suggestions, and responses.

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StartingAgain

She's in over her head and must get into therapy pronto. There are many ways to get therapy. Most health insurance plans help out a some. It's a matter of finding a way or living a life of misery.

 

But, while you may care for her and want to help, you must also protect yourself. If she doesn't want help then you can't be her crutch or whipping boy. If she won't work diligently to resolve her problems, you'll have to walk away. This one's too volitile to do otherwise.

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I believe she's trying to run away from something in her mind and with what I read of her experiences, there's a lot she's running away from and, yes, she might need professional counselling. However, I also understand that it costs money, which might be the thing that's preventing her from dealing with her past problems with a professional counsellor. Domestic abuse and rape are not easy issues to deal with individually, much less together. She's probably feeling a lot of hurt and, if left unresolved, she may eventually turn to alcohol or drug abuse (and I'm not talking smoking a joint here and there) to cope with her internal pain.

 

Before this happens, she needs to find inner peace. Yeah, I know, it sounds new-agey, quaker, etc. I'm not talking on a "metaphysical" level. I'm talking about just being happy with her life as it is now. She's getting you down because she's seeing all the negative things...is the glass half full or half empty? I know it's really hard to change how one sees things and sometimes my little problems, that are insignificant compared to other people's, overwhelm me, too.

 

Some things you and her can do to help her see that the glass is half full (rather than half empty):

1. Do some volunteer work together. When you see some of the conditions that people in homeless shelters live, it makes her a lot more thankful for the things she does have and takes her focus away from the things she doesn't have. For some people, helping other people is a constructive way for people to deal with their own pain.

2. Meditation. After a period of helping others, start her on the meditation. Don't do it before she's had a chance to see how some people live in conditions less fortunate than hers. Allow her to see the worse side first. Then, allow her to reflect on it. It will give her a perception that the things she's angry about are in the past. Practice meditation with her sometimes, and maybe practice it on your own. It's always good to take some time to reflect on your own life. Meditation can take many forms. I'm not talking the yoga-type of meditation. I'm talking about where you do something you love with your hands without speaking. It can take the forms of photography, pottery, whatever...where it doesn't require vast amounts of mental energy and allows the spirit to shape things. When I was dealing with some inner pain a long time ago, I began drawing. I couldn't do anything but abstract shapes and connecting them and making neat patterns all over a page but I could keep my hands busy while I pondered about the things that hurt me. By doing something manual, it allows you to focus enough where you can remove yourself from the pain. While I am doing something with my hands and focusing on the details of the task, thoughts run through my mind and allows me to think objectively about the deeper issues that are really on my mind and I can see my problems through an outside point of view.

3. Help her to find a hobby to make her happy. Find something she's good at that will give her a sense of accomplishment. Some things could be art, jewellery making...anything that can serve as a creative outlet. You will begin noticing that how she perceives the world comes out in her work -- her creative style will change as she gets into it. The important thing is to get into it. She cannot be half-assed about it. She might not be ready to take on a creativity outlet yet. In that case, focus her to team sports or learning to fix things.

 

Remember to keep her focused on the positive, regardless of how she drones on about the negative. Right now, with all the pain and issues left unresolved, the world looks ugly. Show her the beauty in the world again.

 

Our personalities are formed by what we perceive of the world around us.

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