mandy may Posted June 7, 2004 Share Posted June 7, 2004 he thinks i need help and i am so angry and depressed by this whole mess! a few years ago i met him and he took me to a party at some college friends house. i did not like these people one bit. they were all very snobby and uppity and i had nuttin in common with any of them. so here we go again, one came in from outta town and wants all of them to get together. i do not like these people at all and i am hurt that he would go without me. he says for this reason that i do not want to go to a harmless party or let him go alone, that i need some major help! i am not a social butterfly and even if i was, i would not want to go with this upper class bunch of too good for me acting people. i am just a normal person with a normal type of job, one who never got a degree in anything, one who has no conversational skills, one who lacks self confidence anyway to want to go, and i have nuttin in common with these people. if it were me, i would not subject him to this mess, and i would not go alone either. i did suggest that we all go out to dinner though with the guy who came to town instead of the party. he says he probably does not even have the time because he wont here that long. so now i do not know what to do, this has been a source of tension for us all week and is running into other parts of our relationship and bringing up all sorts of stuff and he is saying things about not being happy now and wanting treatment for us or at least for me. i am very hurt that our relationship could so easily fall apart over this one thing, am i really being that unreasonable? someone help me please before this goes too far. the reason i do not want him going alone is because there are other women there too that one he use to date, and i do not like that idea even if i did go with him, and that they will all be drinking anyway and they all have things in common to talk about and i have nothing to say to anybody so i will sit there and look so stupid! help me please! Link to post Share on other sites
Sundaymorning Posted June 7, 2004 Share Posted June 7, 2004 if you dont want to go, then dont go. But why dont you want him to go? cant you just let him go? i guess i understand but unless there is a very good reason why he shouldnt go, let him. maybe he is one of those uppety ppl..... Link to post Share on other sites
pocoestrella Posted June 7, 2004 Share Posted June 7, 2004 [font=times new roman][/font] Mandy, Well my take on it is this... While I understand you don't really care for these people... it has also been a few years since you've been around them right? You only met them one time and didn't care for them... while they very well may be snobbish as you felt them to be... I really believe you are allowing your own insecurities get the best of you here. You need to keep in mind that the people who are going to be at this function are no better than you are Mandy... they are just people with insecurities as well... and hopefully a few years has changed them and made them grow as people... You said yourself you have a low self esteem... and Mandy i've got to tell you that really is something you need to address regardless of this party coming up or not, because it is effecting your life and your relationship with your boyfriend. Mandy, your boyfriend wants you to come with him.... he loves you and thinks your "good enough" so please think about this okay... don't allow your own insecurties to rule you with fear... get a new outfit, free your mind of expectations, hold your mans hand and keep you head up... you'll be fine. Good Luck Link to post Share on other sites
Author mandy may Posted June 7, 2004 Author Share Posted June 7, 2004 when i read your post a little voice snuck in my head that said he only wants me to go with him so he can go. if he could choose to go alone i am sure he would rather do that then have to drag me along and ruin his fun by watching how much he drinks or who he talks to or what ever may come up. i think for him to want to put me in such an uncomfortable position is unfair of him and yes also unfair of me. i am really confused here. the reason i do not want him to go alone is because of this girl that he use to date, she will be there too, and one time he had called her about a get together, when he wanted to get every body together, and i did not even know anything about her and he just assumed it was no biggie to call her to invite her too to their little party because she was part of the college crowd too. so i do not want him to go alone for that reason mainly and because i think when couples do these things alone it only causes more problems. yes i can that my ways of thinking is causing us alot of undue stress and problems in our relationship and ihave given considerable thought on just ending this relationship to free him up so to speak so he can be all he can be and do all he can do so he wont feel so trapped and tied down with me or to me, you know what i mean? your post brought tears to my eyes about just going with him because he loves me, just go and hold his hand, get a new outfit and hold your head up. so much that i would love to be able to do that, but i just hate the thought now of giving in. how bad is that? no need to answer that just an observation. thanks for the help and i will give it all some thought just the same. Link to post Share on other sites
pocoestrella Posted June 7, 2004 Share Posted June 7, 2004 [font=times new roman][/font] Mandy, sweetheart your not giving in if you choose to go... It bothers me a lot Mandy that you seem to think your boyfriend needs you to "free him up" Mandy! You are a good person, you have feelings and hopes and dreams just like everyone else... just because you may not have gone to college Mandy doesn't make you less than everyone else! These are your insecurities playing with your mind sweetie... trust me on this. If your boyfriend didn't want you to come he wouldn't have asked you Mandy... believe me if all he wanted to do was go without you he would have found a way to do so without your knownledge. Putting your boyfriend aside here for a minute... Mandy go to this party FOR YOU! This doesn't need to be about him... get yourself up girl and do what makes you feel beautiful and special... know that you are smart, and funny and clever... put one foot in front of the other Mandy and don't let ANYONE hold you down or make you feel bad about yourself (you are critical of yourself enough for everyone) YOU CAN DO THIS MANDY! *hugs sweetheart* Please... just really think about this. Link to post Share on other sites
Author mandy may Posted June 7, 2004 Author Share Posted June 7, 2004 oh thank you so much for your kind and thoughful words! again you made me cry! i have never heard anyone especially a total stranger have such faith in me! you have truly made my day and made me cry but good tears they were. however i did ask him when that party was and now he is saying to forget about the whole thing. then he said, he was sorry about everything and that he loves me and does not want to fight with me. i now feel like such a heal. i wish i could just let myself go and enjoy doing these things without so much reservation. you know that he makes me feel that something is very wrong with me because i do not like to do these kinds of things. maybe he is right or maybe just with the wrong person. i hope we can work out our differences soon or i will be tempted to leave since i can not keep putting us through this kind of stuff or be blamed either for being the way that i am. maybe some guy out there would not think i was wrong for not wanting to go or for not wanting him to go either. maybe we are just so wrong for each other and each fight makes me think that even more so. thank you again i just love your faith in me, i wish i could bottle it up and keep it for myself! Link to post Share on other sites
pocoestrella Posted June 8, 2004 Share Posted June 8, 2004 [font=times new roman][/font] (((Mandy))) I'm glad you and your boyfriend talked... while I can understand that you sometimes feel that the two of you are so different... there is also something that has kept the two of you together... Don't give up hope Mandy... and have that faith in yourself girl! You seem like such a sweet person... I believe you are! There is something about Mandy May LOL that your boyfriend obviously loves... so don't sell yourself short. Keep me posted girl and let me know how you are:) Link to post Share on other sites
Author mandy may Posted June 8, 2004 Author Share Posted June 8, 2004 your enthusiam has made me laugh! i had emailed him and asked him when this was suppose to take place and he emailed me back and said what difference does it make anyways and to just forget it. i really do not want to push it right now, i think better to just let it go and forget it. i did however make myself a note that said: the reason i did not want to go to that party is not because of the jealousy problmes its because i lack self-esteem, conversational skills, and i feel i look icky and fat. i felt good admitting that to myself if no one else right now. i thank you for helping me to see that i am/was letting my fears get in my way of living life! i try to keep it in the front of my mind and just do it anyways but it has only been a day or so now but i wanted to know that your inspirational post has helped me and i am working on things! Link to post Share on other sites
pocoestrella Posted June 8, 2004 Share Posted June 8, 2004 [font=times new roman][/font] whoo hoo for you Mandy May! LOL!!! Your post give me goose bumps girl... it is knowing that you are taking steps in the right direction to improve your life and be happy! You should be sooooo proud of yourself Mandy for taking small steps... keep on reaching for that gold ring sweetie, you'll achieve it! It need not be BIG things right now... for now just keep taking those small steps forward (even when you don't want too) because it is those small steps you take that will give you courage to take bigger ones... I'm proud of you! Link to post Share on other sites
Author mandy may Posted June 11, 2004 Author Share Posted June 11, 2004 i do not know if you are still around on this board, but i wanted to tell you that i have been coming back here and reading and re-reading your posts to me since they give me that little boost i need! i have a new post i wish you could read it, it is titled: things went from bad to worse, now he might want to end it. after i wrote that one, i came back here and re-read your posts to me about doing it for myself. that actually gave me the courage to make a phone call to the clinic where they have therapists that you can see. i told the intake lady that i need help with social anxiety, anxiety, and our relationship is going to fall apart if i do not do something fast! i have not heard back from her yet but hopefully will soon. then i emailed him and asked him what is he going to do to help us with our relationship because it feels to me still that i am the only one he thinks needs to change here and i do not feel that is fair or right, but in the back of my mind maybe it is true. afterall who would really object to her boyfriend going out with a few college friends or to play golf with some guys, etc? i guess i knew all along that that was not normal but just blew it off because i did not want to deal with the lack of control it gave me. without the control i have to deal with my own emotions and fears about about about about....hmmmm......i guess that is where i get stuck! i appreciate you going to bat for me so much that i had to come back and tell you this stuff to. i wish i had a friend like you, makes me feel so lonely because i have none and wish so much for just one friend other then my email friends! thanks again. Link to post Share on other sites
easylover Posted June 11, 2004 Share Posted June 11, 2004 Originally posted by mandy may he thinks i need help and i am so angry and depressed by this whole mess! a few years ago i met him and he took me to a party at some college friends house. i did not like these people one bit. they were all very snobby and uppity and i had nuttin in common with any of them. so here we go again, one came in from outta town and wants all of them to get together. i do not like these people at all and i am hurt that he would go without me. he says for this reason that i do not want to go to a harmless party or let him go alone, that i need some major help! i am not a social butterfly and even if i was, i would not want to go with this upper class bunch of too good for me acting people. i am just a normal person with a normal type of job, one who never got a degree in anything, one who has no conversational skills, one who lacks self confidence anyway to want to go, and i have nuttin in common with these people. if it were me, i would not subject him to this mess, and i would not go alone either. i did suggest that we all go out to dinner though with the guy who came to town instead of the party. he says he probably does not even have the time because he wont here that long. so now i do not know what to do, this has been a source of tension for us all week and is running into other parts of our relationship and bringing up all sorts of stuff and he is saying things about not being happy now and wanting treatment for us or at least for me. i am very hurt that our relationship could so easily fall apart over this one thing, am i really being that unreasonable? someone help me please before this goes too far. the reason i do not want him going alone is because there are other women there too that one he use to date, and i do not like that idea even if i did go with him, and that they will all be drinking anyway and they all have things in common to talk about and i have nothing to say to anybody so i will sit there and look so stupid! help me please! This sounds like something I would have written two years ago with my ex-boyfriend. Do you find that when you make up your mind about something, it is set in stone? Do you find that this is just another thing you want to control in his life? Take a deep breath, and take a step back honey. You need to go with him and put on a happy face, go to Express and buy yourself a cute outfit, find your outgoing personality you've hidden in the closet, and show him you are a confident person who loves him enough to try for one night to be a friendly outgoing person. Make his friends love you too. Make this a chance to show him how awesome you can be. It will make things better I promise :-) Link to post Share on other sites
Author mandy may Posted June 11, 2004 Author Share Posted June 11, 2004 yes when i do make up my mind it is set in stone and probably an attmept to control him so i do nt have to feel anything! how sick is that!? i have not been able to bring myself to giving in to go! i am so stuck on not going but have told him so and asked him to please be patinet with me Link to post Share on other sites
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