Strengthening my relationship while balancing parenting and careers.

[Elliotte]

I met my fiance two years ago, I have a 6 year old son whose mother moved out of the state and I received primary custody of him. He started kindergarten and being with me full time at the same time she moved in with us. I also am a professional artist trying to better my skills with personal projects outside of my full time job.

 

Immensely to my fiance's credit, when moving in she immediately tried diving into the role of mom for my son, which backfired because he has anxiety issues and still feels very close to his biological mother, while we have worked out a better parenting situation, and continue to work at it, it has wedged in between the two of us enjoying each others' company. When he acts up, she is immediately stressed out, when I do not parent him the way she expects me to, she gets stressed out as well and many times when we get time off from him to enjoy each other, the minute he comes back, she is stressed out. This has hurt our friendship, and our passion immensely as a couple. I feel torn between the two of them when spending time together. She feels like she has to compete with him for my time. He feels like acting up more because the two parents in his life are at odds. It's a perfect storm that has been detrimental to all three of us.

 

We are now trying to ease back her role in his life, while I step forward more. The problem is, she very much has the "if it's not done my way, I'll get it done myself" attitude, making me feel at odds with her, like she cannot trust me to parent my son correctly to her standards. When I've suggested she takes a more advisory role, since her parenting advice has been helpful and made me a better father, but she needs to take a step back from being the 'bad cop' with him in many situations, she gets defensive, thinking I am trying to shut her up, which I most definitely am not.

 

One major factor in all of this is her past, when her younger brother was born 6 years after her, with a near fatal health condition, her mother spent years focusing on him and his hospital time. Meanwhile she did an incredible job as daughter, and put her family first, being supportive to everyone but herself. Now it feels like she is projecting that on me, expecting me to be her role of 'quiet and supportive' while she considers herself in the worst position. Any time I try to discuss how we can work together more productively, it is met with her arguing and defensiveness. In rare moments she admits this is what is affecting her, but mostly this past situation is expressed in her arguing with me when I try to talk things through with her.

 

At this point I want to compartmentalize her and I's relationship away from the stresses of parenting my son, to just enjoy the bits of alone time we have together, while not feeling under a microscope when it is dad and son time. Any advice anyone here has on helping this situation is greatly appreciated.