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I want a lover, not a landlord!


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I moved in with my boyfriend about 10 months ago, and it's been absolutely splendid. I love him more and more every day and can easily see myself happily married to him someday. That being said, I'm in no rush. I am very content with our current situation and wouldn't change a thing, but recently he started talking about buying and fixing up a house...

 

We are both historic preservationists, so the thought of buying an old house and putting sweat equity to turn it into a dreamhouse appeals to us both. Plus, the mortgage would be cheaper than our rent, and we would have the satisfaction of having a place that was OURS that we could do anything we wanted to. I was on board!

 

We searched listings, talked to friends who have bought houses, went to see a few places, looked into first time homebuyer counciling, etc. We were both getting sucked into the process and I was on cloud 9. I was especially thrilled because I took the whole thing as a sign that he was serious and willing to commit to me. I mean, if he is this excited to buy and restore a house with me, then he must really be in it for the long haul, right?

 

Well, maybe not. Yesterday I was musing about what my parents would think about me buying a house, and he said, "well, you wouldn't buy the house. I would buy it, and you would pay me rent. I mean, we're not married, so..." Oh yeah, right. Of course... ugh. I know he's being pratical, but suddenly I completely lost interest in the whole endeavor. I mean why would I want to invest my time and effort into restoring a house that I don't own any interest in?

 

The arrangement he is proposing is a win-win for him. He gets homeownership, plus somone to help pay his mortage, free labor, and access to frequent sex. I get... frequent sex and a temporary place to live...which I already have. I explained to him that it's a one-sided deal and that he should put himself in my position. He doesn't agree, and thinks I should be happy with the arrangement. Now I'm totally bummed. If he's set on doing this, I want to be a part of it, but I also don't want to be taken advantage of/have my own hopes and dreams dashed. Ideally, I want to make him forget the whole thing and stick to the status quo, but it doesn't seem like that's what he wants... help?

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That deal certainly is entirely one sided, and I don't think that you should agree to it. I agree so much with what you already said: "The arrangement he is proposing is a win-win for him. He gets homeownership, plus somone to help pay his mortage, free labor, and access to frequent sex. I get... frequent sex and a temporary place to live...which I already have."

 

I would tell him that you're fine buying and helping him to restore a house, but you want to own in it equally. You're not interested in renting from him. If he wants to approach it more like a business deal, that's fine, but you should still own in half of it if you're putting in half the money and half the work. If he wants to buy a house on his own and then try to get renters, let him go for it. But I wouldn't agree to be his renter.

 

I find it sort of shady & insulting that he got you involved in this process and then dropped that on you as well. I think that anyone would assume that you'd be buying the house together.. not that you were searching for a place to rent from him.

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Thanks for your input!

1) Sex comes into the equation because it's a perk to co-habitating... If I chose not to live with him, he would not get laid as often or as spontaneously. I meant for the frequent sex comment to stand for "perks of having a live-in partner." It's certainly a perk for both of us.

2) I didn't tell him I was bummed, but he clearly saw it because he asked me why I was sad. I told him I wasn't sad, but that I felt stupid for thinking I would own the house with him, and that I hadn't thought about the implications/complications of buying a house as an unmarried couple. I told him I wasn't MAD at him, but that I'm not interested in renting a house from him. I haven't said anything else... I'm prepping now, hence my thread.

3) I don't have enough in my savings for a down payment. I have enough in savings for 1/2 a downpayment. :)

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If he is dead set on buying it himself, then you have a few options:

 

1. Do things his way -- move in with him, help him fix it up, and pay him rent.

 

2. Move in with him and pay him rent, but do not help out in any way with the fixing up. (From a practical standpoint this might be difficult; but you definitely should not put any money into the house or buy anything for it). This scenario is really no different than what you are currently doing.

 

3. Do not move in with him; do not help him fix up the place.

 

That's it, really.

 

I don't blame you for being annoyed, but I don't blame him for not wanting to buy a place with you if the two of you aren't married. That can lead to lots of legal headaches down the road if the two of you break up.

 

I think you have to decide what you want to do, and then just be honest with him.

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I have bought several houses with boyfriends. So what if you aren't married?

 

If you are planning a long-term, permanent relationship with him, there is no reason you can't go in halvsies on the house with him. Your name can be on the title and the loan.

 

If anything were to happen where you break up, one of you would have to buy out the other, if the value of the home goes up.

 

I don't think he's being practical at all. I think he's just being selfish. After all, unmarried people go in together to invest in homes and fix them up all the time.

 

Sounds to me like he's just trying to keep control.

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