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For the "cheater" or Wayward Spouse....


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...or for the one who can honestly answer for that person...

 

Do you feel sad that you hurt and betrayed the one who trusted you?

 

Did you ever feel guilty and depressed during the affair knowing that you were hurting the one who you made a vow to?

 

Did you continue in the affair without considering the feelings of the person that you loved before the affair?

 

Or did you relish in the pain you were causing? Did you enjoy hurting your BS?

 

Perhaps a strange set of questions, but so often I read that cheaters are selfish with no concern for the feelings of others. So often cheaters are stereotyped as finding enjoyment in the pain they caused their spouse.

 

Thoughts from any WS? (Or a former BS who can honestly and unbiasedly answer for them.)

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Do you feel sad that you hurt and betrayed the one who trusted you?

 

Not anymore, as it has processed out over the years, but at the time, yeah I did and expressed that in MC.

 

Did you ever feel guilty and depressed during the affair knowing that you were hurting the one who you made a vow to?

 

Consistently, no. At times, yes.

 

Did you continue in the affair without considering the feelings of the person that you loved before the affair?

 

For a short period, yes. After MC began, there was more consideration and the emotional prioritization of fMW mitigated. This coincided with the clarity about my actions being hurtful.

 

Or did you relish in the pain you were causing? Did you enjoy hurting your BS?

 

I don't recall ever feeling that way. Schadenfreude is not in my nature. That said, it was an inappropriate balancing of the 'hurt' books, about the only way to ostensibly hurt someone who ignores one consistently, and no one put a gun to my head. Full choice. No pleasure in it.

 

Perhaps a strange set of questions, but so often I read that cheaters are selfish with no concern for the feelings of others. So often cheaters are stereotyped as finding enjoyment in the pain they caused their spouse.

 

I think it's reasonable to ask. Each person is different, both to circumstance and psychology.

 

Thoughts from any WS? (Or a former BS who can honestly and unbiasedly answer for them.)

 

For purposes of these questions, I answer as a fWS.

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...or for the one who can honestly answer for that person...

 

Do you feel sad that you hurt and betrayed the one who trusted you?

Yes I do now.

 

Did you ever feel guilty and depressed during the affair knowing that you were hurting the one who you made a vow to?

I never felt guilty or depressed during the A. I was on a high. A rush of endorphins and felt great.

 

Did you continue in the affair without considering the feelings of the person that you loved before the affair?

Yes.

 

Or did you relish in the pain you were causing? Did you enjoy hurting your BS?

I didn't relish in any pain. He didn't know, so I didn't feel he was hurting. After D-day I felt differently. Terrible.

 

Perhaps a strange set of questions, but so often I read that cheaters are selfish with no concern for the feelings of others. So often cheaters are stereotyped as finding enjoyment in the pain they caused their spouse.

 

I guess this would put me in the "Selfish with no concern for others" file. What I did was stupid and disrespectful and despicable. BUT I seriously and honestly felt amazing. I was so happy. It was just the rush of it all. And it was a very short lived A. Had it gone on longer than a couple of months I would definitely think I would have felt that guilt and despair for my BS that was only being masked by the intensity of those initial emotions for MOM. A's turn you into a monster that doesn't care about anything but themselves and AP. That is not who I am. I am a very loving, giving, wonderful person. At least I was. This A has made me question myself so much and if I even know who I am. I don't think I do anymore. This wasn't a personal attack on my BS. I was hurting therefor I felt the need to make myself feel better. He did nothing to drive me to this and no one held a gun to my head either. It was a decision I made in all consciousness because I was unhappy with the current state of my life.

 

Thoughts from any WS? (Or a former BS who can honestly and unbiasedly answer for them.)

Hope this helps. :)

Edited by loredo21
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Bittersweetie

 

Do you feel sad that you hurt and betrayed the one who trusted you?

 

Yes.

 

Did you ever feel guilty and depressed during the affair knowing that you were hurting the one who you made a vow to?

 

Maybe a little bit. But I was queen of the compartmentalization so in my head my AP and H were separate worlds never to collide.

 

Did you continue in the affair without considering the feelings of the person that you loved before the affair?

 

I didn't consider H's feelings because I never thought he would know. We lived a couple of thousand miles apart at this time. So again, separate worlds.

 

Or did you relish in the pain you were causing? Did you enjoy hurting your BS?

 

I didn't really think of my H's pain until after d-day when I saw it up close and personal every day. Then there was no relishment or enjoyment at all.

 

Perhaps a strange set of questions, but so often I read that cheaters are selfish with no concern for the feelings of others. So often cheaters are stereotyped as finding enjoyment in the pain they caused their spouse.

 

I am actually a very empathetic person, and think of others often. To this day I am still struggling with the fact that I made a choice that hurt someone else so deeply. It almost seems like, that wasn't me. That was someone else. But it was me, and not only did I compartmentalize, I created a world of rationalizations to justify my behavior. Before, I was a selfish person...I was used to getting what I wanted in general. My H has even said he enabled me. So I guess you could say I was a selfish person who did have concern for the feelings of others...just not my H. :(

 

Thoughts from any WS? (Or a former BS who can honestly and unbiasedly answer for them.)

 

Answering as a fWS. Hope this helps.

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Thank you. It helps to hear that WSs do feel regret and pain and sadness either during or after the affair. I can understand how the elation of the affair masks other feelings, but I find it hard to believe that cheaters are uncaring and hateful individuals...as so often they are maligned here.

 

Perhaps it will help someone who has been betrayed.

 

We all are people with feelings.

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...or for the one who can honestly answer for that person...

 

Do you feel sad that you hurt and betrayed the one who trusted you?

 

I have always felt sad and angry at myself, i've always beat myself up over it. but there comes a time when you cant live like that anymore, and you have to learn to get over it.

 

Did you ever feel guilty and depressed during the affair knowing that you were hurting the one who you made a vow to?

 

I hadnt made a vow to him yet, but i did promise to marry him. and yes, but you dont feel guilty at the time of seeing this OP, its not until its done and your home that feels the worse!

 

 

Did you continue in the affair without considering the feelings of the person that you loved before the affair?

 

I think most people continue the affair if thier not busted. mine went for around 2months. it wasnt until i left the other man completly that i realised what i had done and how much i wanted to make things right again.

 

Or did you relish in the pain you were causing? Did you enjoy hurting your BS?

 

Didnt enjoy hurting him, there is always a reason behind the affair, mine was i felt like my fiance was never around, and didnt care much for me anymore. but it all could of been fixed if i had told him how i felt in the first place.

 

Ill be honest, at the time of the affair, the other man was there for me and i was considering leaving my fiancee for him. but then i got a taste of what life was like without him in it, and i couldnt do it. i was angry, upset... i took this all out on my family and it was them who told me to sit down with my fiance. when i did and i saw him crying and how upset he was (he has never cried, he is a very strong willed man) I fell to my knees and begged. i begged to come home. so there does come a point where everyone cheater realises what they have done was wrong. but it takes a much stronger person to except the apoligy and try to move forward. It's a mistake if you do it once, a choice is done twice. xx

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...or for the one who can honestly answer for that person...

 

Do you feel sad that you hurt and betrayed the one who trusted you?

 

Very sad.

 

Did you ever feel guilty and depressed during the affair knowing that you were hurting the one who you made a vow to?

 

Yes.

 

Did you continue in the affair without considering the feelings of the person that you loved before the affair?

 

Living in a fog or bubble most of the time.

 

Or did you relish in the pain you were causing? Did you enjoy hurting your BS?

 

Not at all.

 

Perhaps a strange set of questions, but so often I read that cheaters are selfish with no concern for the feelings of others. So often cheaters are stereotyped as finding enjoyment in the pain they caused their spouse.

 

Thoughts from any WS? (Or a former BS who can honestly and unbiasedly answer for them.)

 

:(:( Answers in bold.

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Do you feel sad that you hurt and betrayed the one who trusted you?

* Extremely. It's been over a year and a half and I still struggle to look at myself in the mirror without disgust of what I did. Even when BH tells me over and over again, that he forgives me...I can never forgive myself for hurting him and xMM's BW.

 

Did you ever feel guilty and depressed during the affair knowing that you were hurting the one who you made a vow to?

* Guilty - yes. Depressed - yes. Disgusted - yes. Ashamed - yes.

 

Did you continue in the affair without considering the feelings of the person that you loved before the affair?

* I knew of the risks and had somewhat of an idea of the pain it would cause if my BH was to find out. But I blocked it out most of the time bc I was in a selfish vacuum sealed bubble - it was all about me and xMM.

 

Or did you relish in the pain you were causing? Did you enjoy hurting your BS?

* Never. But I was cruel enough to turn a blind eye and not realize how badly BH was trying to connect with me while I was in the middle of the A (before DDay).

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...or for the one who can honestly answer for that person...

 

Do you feel sad that you hurt and betrayed the one who trusted you?

 

Yes. And even though we have successfully reconciled, I always will. I shattered his belief in me, in us and that was a cruel thing to do.

 

Did you ever feel guilty and depressed during the affair knowing that you were hurting the one who you made a vow to?

 

Absolutely. I was hurting him for no good reason. During Dday, he said something along the lines of "no wonder it had been so hard". Even though he did not know about the affair I was hurting him. I hated the way I lied to him. I hated how easy I found it at times. I hated myself for what I did and said.

 

Did you continue in the affair without considering the feelings of the person that you loved before the affair?

 

I definitely considered his feelings but I was selfishly prioritising mine. :sick:

 

Or did you relish in the pain you were causing? Did you enjoy hurting your BS?

 

Absolutely not.

 

Perhaps a strange set of questions, but so often I read that cheaters are selfish with no concern for the feelings of others. So often cheaters are stereotyped as finding enjoyment in the pain they caused their spouse.

 

Thoughts from any WS? (Or a former BS who can honestly and unbiasedly answer for them.)

 

I think I shall give my husband a hug now. I am a very lucky woman to still be with him.

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Or did you relish in the pain you were causing? Did you enjoy hurting your BS?

 

Perhaps a strange set of questions, but so often I read that cheaters are selfish with no concern for the feelings of others. So often cheaters are stereotyped as finding enjoyment in the pain they caused their spouse.

 

Thoughts from any WS? (Or a former BS who can honestly and unbiasedly answer for them.)

 

fBS. Yes, cheaters ARE selfish and have no concern for the feelings of their committed partner. If they were not those, they wouldn't have cheated.

 

Now, that doesn't mean I think they "relish in the pain" they were causing. But they are still selfish and obviously had no concern for their partner.

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[quote=JamesM;4649296

 

Or did you relish in the pain you were causing? Did you enjoy hurting your BS?

 

Perhaps a strange set of questions, but so often I read that cheaters are selfish with no concern for the feelings of others. So often cheaters are stereotyped as finding enjoyment in the pain they caused their spouse.

 

Thoughts from any WS? (Or a former BS who can honestly and unbiasedly answer for them.)

 

Harming someone is pleasurable to many because it involves having power over that person. If you cheat on someone, you, in a sense, are manipulating their lives without them even knowing. This is a quite a powerful situation to be in especially if the person you are cheating on loves and trusts you. I don't think all, or even most, people who cheat "relish in the pain" they caused. At the same time, now that I understand better the dynamics of control and power that exist in many relationships (something I learned from my area of work), it's actually hard for me to think that there wouldn't be at least a small sense of pleasure in cheating on someone.

 

I hope that last sentense doesn't make me sound like a bad person. Anyways, it is an interesting questin.

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...or for the one who can honestly answer for that person...

 

Do you feel sad that you hurt and betrayed the one who trusted you?

 

Yes, I felt incredibly sad. When the affair first started and I felt uneasy that my feelings had shifted from interest and curiosity to actual love of greater intensity, it felt like I'd thrown open the door on my partner and I...like I'd exposed our exclusive relationship to someone who to her was a stranger. (yes, her. My partner is a woman, and so am I. My affair partner was a married man.)

 

Did you ever feel guilty and depressed during the affair knowing that you were hurting the one who you made a vow to?

 

I felt guilty 100% of the time. When I wasn't in direct contact with my ex-MM, I felt guilty but less so because right that MOMENT I wasn't doing anything actively wrong. But then of course I missed him terribly. When I WAS with him, I felt very guilty but the happiness and thrill of being with him clouded that. I felt the worst right after I would chat with my ex-MM online, get off the computer and then go to bed and see my partner there, sleeping. I'd cry a lot at those moments.

 

Did you continue in the affair without considering the feelings of the person that you loved before the affair?

 

I continued the affair because I wanted to. I felt I needed it to be happy in my life. I considered the feelings of my partner, but...right now it was not hurting her. So I continued the affair. I was too selfish to stop, despite being aware of how horrible my actions were.

 

Or did you relish in the pain you were causing? Did you enjoy hurting your BS?

 

GOD NO. Nothing could be further from the truth.

 

Perhaps a strange set of questions, but so often I read that cheaters are selfish with no concern for the feelings of others. So often cheaters are stereotyped as finding enjoyment in the pain they caused their spouse.

 

Thoughts from any WS? (Or a former BS who can honestly and unbiasedly answer for them.)

 

Answers in bold. :)

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Thanks for all of the replies. When I read them, I can almost feel the pain some of you still have. I apologize if it hurts to answer. It definitely is helpful to see what is in the mind of one who had an affair. So often we read..."cheaters are all selfish jerks who have no concern for others." I don't believe it at all. It is not that simple.

 

As I have stated many times which has been disagreed with by a few....

 

Everyone is capable of cheating on their partner, although most won't. A cheater is no different than one who has not yet cheated. And someone who marries a cheater is no different than the one who doesn't.

 

Just as a BS is not doomed to always marry cheaters, so a cheater is not always doomed to cheat.

 

There is no doubt that some feel a passive power in cheating. If they feel that they have been neglected or forgotten by their spouse, then passively hurting them through an affair can give some satisfaction. And some cheaters ARE selfish as they simply choose an affair for the thrill and variety which it brings.

 

However, to say that across the board, cheaters are a different class of people who will always be a cheater just as a panda will always be black and white is not such a...black and white statement.

 

Now if more would feel open to answer my questions, I will be grateful. It is hard to explain how someone like me can gain information from your comments, but I do. And I have no doubt that others who read your answers will feel as I do.

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James, I sent my MM these questions and asked if he'd answer them. I'll post his answers when he sends them to me later today. :)

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James, I sent my MM these questions and asked if he'd answer them. I'll post his answers when he sends them to me later today. :)

 

Good idea! Thanks. They will be interesting to read. :)

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Everyone is capable of cheating on their partner although most won't.

 

I can give you that, just like everyone is capable of murder, but won't ever be able to kill someone.

 

 

 

A cheater is no different than one who has not yet cheated.

 

 

This I can't give you and, IMO, is absolutely false. The difference between a cheater and someone who doesn't is character. Two different types of character. Simple as that.

 

People may be capable of cheating, but would never do it because they would never bring themselves to hurt someone else. A cheater has a desire to cheat. Some people do not have that desire, capable of it or not.

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Finally Settled
...or for the one who can honestly answer for that person...

 

Do you feel sad that you hurt and betrayed the one who trusted you?

I do, and I expect to for the rest of my life.

 

Did you ever feel guilty and depressed during the affair knowing that you were hurting the one who you made a vow to?

I suppose there was an element of guilt during the affair, but it wasn't anything intense enough that I remember it specifically now. I did not feel any depression.

 

Did you continue in the affair without considering the feelings of the person that you loved before the affair?

I know that somewhere in my mind I knew what her feelings were, but they came in a paltry second to my own.

 

Or did you relish in the pain you were causing? Did you enjoy hurting your BS?

I relished in my happiness and her pain was nonexistent until she discovered the affair.

 

Perhaps a strange set of questions, but so often I read that cheaters are selfish with no concern for the feelings of others. So often cheaters are stereotyped as finding enjoyment in the pain they caused their spouse.

 

Thoughts from any WS? (Or a former BS who can honestly and unbiasedly answer for them.)

 

These are very interesting questions and I have done my best to strip away all of the realizations I've had in therapy. I'm not proud of my answers, but they are the truth.

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The difference between a cheater and someone who doesn't is character. Two different types of character. Simple as that.

 

People may be capable of cheating, but would never do it because they would never bring themselves to hurt someone else. A cheater has a desire to cheat. Some people do not have that desire, capable of it or not.

 

Not to derail my own thread, but I think some of our disagreement is semantics.

 

I don't see that most of these people responding here had a desire to cheat and then sought out an opportunity to cheat. I think that some made the choice to cheat where others would not have made that choice...I will grant you that.

 

It may or may not be character. Certainly in some cases, it is definitely about character. I would propose that it may also be about emotional weakness due to a number of reasons that led to a choice of cheating which in times past would have been abhorrent to the person.

 

That is why I wanted to ask this question. It is a simple little "exercise" to dive into the minds of those that have chosen an affair or who have been intimately involved with someone who chose an affair.

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Let's stay focused on the topic, which is an honest answering of the questions posed by the thread starter, and refrain from editorializing, as such comments are off-topic. The thread starter wishes some insight into the minds of members who have had affairs and that is the limited scope of this thread moving forward. There are other threads available for free to discuss other topics raised in this thread. Thanks.

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Do you feel sad that you hurt and betrayed the one who trusted you?

 

I am not quite sure how to answer this question. Yes, I do feel very sad and ashamed at any hurt I caused. But "the one who trusted you" threw me off a little. I don't think my ex-wife did trust me as such. She assumed I had no other options and that I therefore would not exercise any. Her response when I told her of my affair was not hurt but scorn - she dismissed what I said because "who would possibly be interested in you?"

 

The "one who trusted me" was my lover, and I felt sad that I might be hurting her too by prevaricating so long over leaving my then-wife. I cared for my ex-wife and did not wish to hurt her, and hated that I felt I must be doing so, and I loved my lover and hated that I must be hurting her too.

 

Did you ever feel guilty and depressed during the affair knowing that you were hurting the one who you made a vow to?

 

Although I did not make such a vow, and although my ex-wife had made it clear from the start of our relationship that she considered monogamy oppressive to women, I certainly felt guilty, because it was very out of character for me. I have always been "Mr Dependable" in all aspects of my life, and I felt as though I was leading a double life. I did not feel depressed, though - in fact, I felt the most alive I had ever felt, and it helped to lift me out of the depression I had been mired in. My doctor was quite surprised by the suddenness and extent of the change.

 

The role ambiguity and the "double life", where some of the time I could truly be myself and at other times I had to slip back into role, definitely took a toll. I felt extremely guilty for living, enjoying life, finding love, being happy, when I had these responsibilities to serve out my time. I was very fortunate that I had a good counsellor who helped to to understand the root of my issues and to empower myself to resolve the impasse.

 

Did you continue in the affair without considering the feelings of the person that you loved before the affair?

 

This will probably sound hollow, but I did consider her feelings, or as best as I could come to imagining what her feelings might be. She had coped very badly on her own during a previous separation she had instigated, and had begged me to take her back. She asked me to promise her loyalty rather than fidelity, that I would never leave her and would not speak badly of her, and that she considered these far more important than sexual fidelity. So I believed I was acting in line with what she had fairly recently claimed to have wanted. And she herself had no regrets about her affair, and had been very supportive of other friends who had had affairs even helping them to hide evidence from their spouses (who were also friends) and providing alibis, and so I had no reason to expect that she would not extend the same views to our own relationship. I thought that by keeping the marriage intact, and allowing myself some outlet that could allow me to remain in the marriage despite my unhappiness and her unwillingness to address my unhappiness or to keep her promises of change, I was acting in line with what she most wanted.

 

It seemed I was wrong. It seemed that what she had said she had wanted was not, in fact, what she really wanted, and that I should have known this.

 

Or did you relish in the pain you were causing? Did you enjoy hurting your BS?

 

I certainly have never relished causing pain, nor enjoyed hurting anyone. I have spent my entire life making sure that others got their way, that if anyone suffered it would be me, so it was very out of character for me to be the one "getting the pleasure" and causing pain. I certainly did not enjoy that aspect at all.

 

But one thing I did admit to my counsellor that I did enjoy, if only a little, was proving her wrong. She had always told me I was unlovable, that she only had an affair with me because she felt sorry for me, that she stayed with me because no one else would ever look at me and she felt an obligation toward me. She looked down on my family and made it clear she was so much better than all of us, and that when she left me as was inevitable one day, I would land up in a bedsit watching daytime telly drinking cheap wine out of the bottle, with no prospects and no friends. I had heard that so many times over the decades I had largely come to believe it, and so it was wonderfully empowering to discover that someone could and did love me, someone lovely and beautiful and clever and warm, someone my family loved and my friends cherished and my colleagues admired, someone who ticked all my boxes and who I never dreamed could exist. I enjoyed the affirmation, I enjoyed knowing I wasn't this awful stinkbug my ex-wife saw me as, and I enjoyed the validation of everyone acknowledging that. Yes, I did enjoy that bit - even though it did cause hurt.

 

Perhaps a strange set of questions, but so often I read that cheaters are selfish with no concern for the feelings of others. So often cheaters are stereotyped as finding enjoyment in the pain they caused their spouse.

 

Thoughts from any WS? (Or a former BS who can honestly and unbiasedly answer for them.)

 

I am sure my ex-wife would provide very different answers, which she would claim were more accurate than any answers I could provide, since she "knew me far better than I ever could". She certainly thought my only intention with the affair was to cause her hurt, just as everything I have ever done has been because of her, one way or another. I guess when someone has lived their lives so focused on others, as I had, it is really hard to imagine that person ever doing something for themselves, and not because of you. I wonder if that is also true for others?

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