9 years this year....what else can I do?

[spooky48]

Hi,

 

I'm writing to simply ask for candid yet, sincere advice which I hope you'll understand my point-of-view. I am not trying to start problematic argumentative issues either but, I'm simply seeking friendly advice.

 

Ok, I will be 40 in October. Lately, I have been finding myself totally reexamining all aspects of things & just trying to find out what I'm doing wrong or how I may change myself to find what I'm currently seeking.

 

Since 2004, I have been on numerous dating websites. I have been a member of paid & non-paid types. I've been on Eharmony, Match, American Singles, Lava Life all for 3 times each with year paid subscriptions so, I was on 3 years each.

 

Currently, I'm on meetup.com where you go to events based upon your interests. I will admit, I've been lackadasical because, it's winter, cold & I don't want to drive. I want to be more active there in the spring however.

 

I am also on 3 other sites that are fairly popular but, I think I'm doing something wrong. I was told I need to log-in to those daily to be "active" & "pro-active" by commenting on the forums & putting myself ALL out there. I have NOT done this though. I simply just have my profiles posted & I wait for men to comment, wink, IM or e-mail. Should I be doing that? I just don't want to have to be online either nightly to literally scratch after men.

 

I have fluctuated myself in my appearance concerning my weight. I am still full-figured & still on a diet. I do feel I admit, my weight is a total hang-up. I am dieting just to feel better & not for the acceptance of others. I do admit I have an esteem issue b/c of this & I feel my face is not very "feminine". I rarely wear makeup & I have to dress business professional daily so, the weekends, I kind of slum more (jeans, t-shirts, sweatshirts or overly casual sweaters). I have dark blonde straight hair to my shoulders, blue-gray eyes, no glasses, very round face & average.

 

Personality & characteristics, I'm quiet, shy, reserved, non-golddigger, non-partier & a work-a-holic. I do like my fun with comedy clubs, restaurants, traveling to Europe & most of all, going to rock & roll shows. Music is literally my life but, I am no journalist or big enthusiast. I love the history, society and passion/emotionalism of music & bands. I love going to places regarding their established histories.

 

Bottom line, I do not know what I should do regarding my love-life. I do NOT have any single friends. ALL of my friends are married with & without children. At my job, everyone tells me to just work, live & he will be brought to you, I am going to be 40 in October & I do not want to keep going like this in the sense, I feel like I'm literally killing myself on these sites, at meetup groups & out in the community for nothing. I am active a bit in my church but, we do not have a singles group there. I was involved in volunteering but, stopped because work got so busy as it remains this way too.

 

I basically just go to work, work, hang-out with my roommate & go out on weekends. I'm a college graduate with several degrees, have travelled all over the world & am told I am good, generous, nice person so, I want to know what am I doing wrong? What else should I be "doing"? Should I quit the sites or keep on going & try being on even more?

 

I wish I was given a real answer in whether or not I should give this all up or get out there even more? It's just very sad now.

 

Thanks in advance for any assistance you may provide.

[clia]

It's tough as you get older!

 

What have your response rates been like on the online dating sites? Can you do anything to tweak your profile? Are the men who are responding the type you want to date?

 

Get more involved with your Meetup groups, or look for new ones. I'm have found Meetup to be the very best way to meet new people. Don't think about it only in terms of dating. I've met a ton of new girl friends through it as well, so maybe you can find some new single girl friends to hang out with. (Most of my friends are also married and have kids.) Search for groups relating to your interests, as well as more general social groups. (Some of the singles groups can be a little sketchy.) Look for groups based upon both age and sex. For example, I am a member of a few different 30s/40s groups, some of them solely consisting of women. There are tons of foodie groups in my city, so if you are into restaurants, you might check out some of those. Then you get to go to dinner with a whole group of new people. Fun, fun. Not all groups are created equal. Don't give up if you have a bad time with one group or on one outing. A lot of it depends on who shows up for the event and the dynamic. Don't be embarrassed or shy about going -- my experience has been that everyone is there to talk, mingle, and meet. It's really nonstressful.

 

In my opinion, you'll have better luck through Meetup where you can actually meet the men in person than through online dating. If you feel the need to take a break from anything, don't break from Meetup. Break from online dating.

 

But, continue to put yourself out there. You will never meet anyone if you stay home.

 

And...I may get slammed for this, but I'll say it anyway, because I think you already know it. Work on your looks. Men are primarily attracted to looks at the outset, so that is how they will notice you. Work on losing the weight, wear a little make-up when you leave the house, and try to dress a little cuter/more feminine. In other words, don't slum it all the time. I understand the desire to do so, but it's not going to make men notice you.

[FitChick]

I have fluctuated myself in my appearance concerning my weight. I am still full-figured & still on a diet. I do feel I admit, my weight is a total hang-up. I am dieting just to feel better & not for the acceptance of others. I do admit I have an esteem issue b/c of this & I feel my face is not very "feminine". I rarely wear makeup & I have to dress business professional daily so, the weekends, I kind of slum more (jeans, t-shirts, sweatshirts or overly casual sweaters). I have dark blonde straight hair to my shoulders, blue-gray eyes, no glasses, very round face & average.

That's your problem right there. Dating is marketing yourself. If you were shopping for a new house and there were two for sale, same price, side by side and one had a beautifully manicured lawn, trimmed shrubbery, bright flowers, new windows, freshly painted woodwork and the other one had weeds in the front and back, windows that were cracked and taped up, peeling paint, raccoons living in the attic -- which house would you buy?

[venusianx13]

For now, I'd advise that you put the dating sites on the back-burner. Start "dating yourself", and by that, I mean doting on yourself. Get a cute new haircut, a manicure from time to time, a day at the spa, etc. These things will help you to feel good about yourself, and will boost your confidence, which will naturally make you more attractive to others. I'm not saying that good self-esteem comes from purely aesthetic things, but it is a jump start, and you sound like you could stand to be a little kinder to yourself . From there, maybe look into joining a gym or starting an at-home exercise regimen. Also, get involved in other things that you really enjoy...anything that makes you happy, rather than joining groups to meet men. As it goes, when you're pretty occupied, happy with yourself, and content with life, a great guy usually pops his head up at some point.

[aMguilts]

That's your problem right there. Dating is marketing yourself. If you were shopping for a new house and there were two for sale, same price, side by side and one had a beautifully manicured lawn, trimmed shrubbery, bright flowers, new windows, freshly painted woodwork and the other one had weeds in the front and back, windows that were cracked and taped up, peeling paint, raccoons living in the attic -- which house would you buy?

 

the 1 with weeds, it`ll be cheaper than the one thats `trimmed`

 

and i`d rather work at something than have it all layed out in front of me

 

 

i`d also make the raccoons pets.

 

aM

[dj572]

Here is my point of view for what it's worth. I am 38 year old divorced male. I am and have always been heavy my whole life. I know as a general rule that's not as hard on a man with acceptance but it still isn't easy. I also suffered from low self esteem. My ex lost a lot of weight and loved all the new attention she was getting and left me. She was the only serious relationship I had ever had and one of the things that brought us together was our acceptance of each other. When she left me it was a serious blow to my self esteem. Out of loneliness I turned to the dating sights. I had almost no interest from anybody. I was about ready to give up and I met a lady that helped me. She pointed out my good traits and helped me sell myself for lack of a better term.

I dated a bit and figured out what I wanted. That is something you have to do is really figure out what it is you want. Be honest with yourself. For me I have come to terms now that I will probably never get married again. I have found what I want to do and I enjoy my independence too much now to get involved again.

My advice to you is figure out what you want and I mean search deep within yourself and figure it out. Be yourself do not bend to try and be what you think someone else wants. Be comfortable with who you are as much as you can. I understand low self esteem I've had my struggles with it and still do sometimes. Take a break from the dating sights if you need to. I don't know if anything I have said helps but I wish you the best of luck.